HUMOR Digest - 9 Jul 1998 to 10 Jul 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 316 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Well...  you asked !
  2. Do It Yourself (Pun)
  3. Heaven/Hell (probably offends a lot of people)
  4. Women's Random Thoughts <a little male bashing>
  5. 99.9%
  6. HUBBIE PIE
  7. The Pirate
  8. New Sanctions <clean>
 
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Date:    Thu, 9 Jul 1998 03:04:43 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Well...  you asked !
 
* Customer: "Is this tea I'm drinking ?  It tastes like kerosene !"
  Waitress: "It must be hon, our coffee tastes like turpentine."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A contributor on here sent me chapter one of a joke book she's
  planning to publish, and asked me what she should get for it.
    I wrote back, "At least 6 months."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The boy had been sitting in the restaurant for 20 minutes while
  his date continued to stare at the menu.  "Jody, do you always
  have such difficulty in making up your mind ?"
    "Well...  yes and no." she replied.
                           - - - - -
 
*   "I'm telling ya Marge, there's nothing like a five mile jog,
  then, an ice cold shower to start your day off in the morning."
    Marge looked at her obviously overweight friend and replied,
  "How long have you been doing this ?"
    "I start tomorrow !" she answered.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana
  by his cousin.  "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you
  if you carry a flashlight ?"
    The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry
  the flashlight."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The Father knocked on the bathroom door where his teenage
  daughter had been taking a bath for over an hour.  "Cindy !
  Just how long will you be in that bathtub ?"
    From the other side of the door came the reply: "Oh Daddy !
  Water affects your weight, not your height.  I'm still 5'4" !"
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date:    Thu, 9 Jul 1998 00:25:27 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Do It Yourself (Pun)
 
It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my
girl friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but
sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.
 
Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead
of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she
might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some
sandwitches. When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting
the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was
wearing her fur coat and her ski parka.
 
I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She
brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions.
I did. It said... "For best results, put on two coats."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 9 Jul 1998 07:03:15 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Heaven/Hell (probably offends a lot of people)
 
 Here's an interesting twist to an old joke:
 
     In Heaven:
        The cooks are French,
        The policemen are English,
        The mechanics are German,
        The lovers are Italian,
        The bankers are Swiss.
 
     In Hell:
        The cooks are English,
        The policemen are German,
        The mechanics are French,
        The lovers are Swiss,
        The bankers are Italian.
 
     In Computer Heaven:
        The management is from Intel,
        The design and construction is done by Apple,
        The marketing is done by Microsoft,
        IBM provides the support,
        Gateway determines the pricing.
 
     In Computer Hell:
        The management is from Apple,
        Microsoft does design and construction,
        IBM handles the marketing,
        The support is from Gateway,
        Intel sets the price.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 9 Jul 1998 08:30:54 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Women's Random Thoughts <a little male bashing>
 
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like,
"You know sometimes I forget to eat."  Now I've forgotten my
 address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never
 forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
 forget to eat.
 
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's
good.  He's dead. Good.
 
A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.
 
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.  Mine isn't
all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I
said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in
vigorous  toning?"  Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch...
do it and you die."
 
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing  (and then they marry him.)
 
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, smoking too much, impluse buying and driving
too fast.  Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
 
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older
than 30 can fit into their stuff.
 
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around
your neck?
 
I think men who have a pierced ear are  better prepared for
marriage.  They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
             -Rita Rudner
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 9 Jul 1998 11:23:13 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 99.9%
 
If 99.9% is good enough then...
 
- 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily
- 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year
- 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour
- 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year
- 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers
- Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe
  every day
- 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled
- 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year
- 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have
  incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips
- 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during
  the year
- 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat
- 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly
- 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one
  of the three sections
- A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Thu, 9 Jul 1998 21:39:33 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: HUBBIE PIE
 
"Hubby Pie"
Can be prepared 20 years ahead.
 
Ingredients:
Crust:
1 hard skinned hubby
1 comfortable sofa
Filling:
1 tv remote control
6 pack of beer
1 packet chips (crisps)
1 family size pizza
1 large serve nachos
1 melted cheese sandwich
15 years patience
lifetime of loving care
1 ounce of resignation
 
Method:
Cram one thick-skinned hubby into a well worn greased and
comfortable sofa and leave to set (probably will take length
of one sport show), remove from family room and bring to kitchen
to finish filling.
 
Mix TV remote control, chip packet, pizza, hotdog, nachos and
cheese sandwich on a large tray.
 
Add six pack of beer slowly (to avoid excess gas), bind with a lot
of patience, loving care and resignation. Be careful to place hubby
and filling carefully back in front of the TV so as not to disturb
the view of the screen and leave to solidify indefinitely.
 
Head back to your computer and have a marvelous time chatting with
your online friends UNDISTURBED!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 9 Jul 1998 23:19:54 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Pirate
 
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his
crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
 
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate,
"Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the
captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to
battle the pirate boarding party.
 
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were
repelled. The men sat around on deck that night recounting the
day's events when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir,
why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
 
The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show
blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid."
 
The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man. The
next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate
vessels sending boarding parties.
 
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
"Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was on, and the
captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this
time, more casualties occurred.
 
Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were
pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for
his usual command.
 
The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 10 Jul 1998 09:31:54 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: New Sanctions <clean>
 
Washington, Jun22:
The United States today said they will impose sanctions on Iran
because of the defeat suffered in the World Cup Soccer. Madeline
Albright said that the White House had no alternative but to take
this matter seriously since the future of US soccer is at stake.
Being the most developed country, the US could not afford to lose
standing among the G-32 teams, least of all be humbled in the MG-4
(Mini G-4) group.
 
The US will also pursue ammendment to the rule that if the ball
hits the post it will be a goal, since the US managed to hit the
post on more than one occasion.
 
White House correspondent on world affairs said that White House
was deeply concerned that Iran could be so insensitive in the MG-4
meet.
 
Newt Gingrich has blamed Clinton Administration's lax control on
trade of high-tech NIKE equipment to Iran for this disgrace.
President Clinton has said our policy is very strict on this issue
and I intend to implement it fully.
 
This issue has become a hot topic in United Nations Security
Council. Resolution is being drafted condemning Iran's
irresponsible action. There is a talk of tough economic sanctions
against Iran. France and Russia are opposing sanction though they
have joined other nations in condemning Iran's unprovoked action.
 
According to reliable sources Iran will be asked to sign NPT (Non
soccer Playing Treaty) immediately without any conditions. All IMF
and World Bank loans to Iran have been suspended with immediate
effect. Australia also condemned Iran heavily and has called back
its ambassador from Tehran. White House News (for more )
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Jul 1998 to 10 Jul 1998
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