HUMOR Digest - 8 Jul 1998 to 9 Jul 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 560 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Desperate (Pun)
  2. Young Teens
  3. Top5 - 7/8/98 - Rejected Movie Slogans
  4. Viagra's (adult)
  5. Tit for Tat!!!??
  6. Good News and Bad News For a Pastor <off. to the religious>
  7. Can You Tell A Book By Its Author?
  8. Cathy at the Ball Game <off. to Blondes>
  9. THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM <off. to religious>
 10. Life In The Slaw Lane
 11. Renewal of your subscription to the HUMOR list
 12. Surd-Times <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 23:46:30 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Desperate (Pun)
 
There once was a mother whose daughter kept trying to elope with
her intended. Always, however, in the nick of time, the mother
caught them. After about twenty times, the daughter began to get
desperate, when by chance, she happened to read about an animal
activist who would paint bulls in order to camouflage them, then
let them escape from their owners. However, when the daughter
called up the activist, he told her...
"I stain bulls, not constant elopers."
 
     -By Zan Tium
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 8 Jul 1998 03:38:45 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Young Teens
 
* He was the typical school jock: talk, dark and hands.
                           - - - - -
 
* Isn't it odd that most teens these days are so knowledgeable
  and well informed that they don't even have to study.
                           - - - - -
 
* The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a
  large bag.  "My Mother likes this outfit -- may I exchange it ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* Seems like all the teenagers these days are trying to "find them-
  selves".  Well, I can understand that I guess, but tell ya what--
  they sure look in some weird places.
                           - - - - -
 
* The 14-year-old was going to her first formal dance and modeled
  her dress for her Father.  "Cindy !" he said, "Either that dress
  is cut way too low, or you're not in it far enuff."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The 13-year-old had a beau, but it seemed he hung out at her
  house more for the food than romance.
    One afternoon the girl told her mother, "Harry seems more
  interested in food than me.  Is there any kind of perfume that
  smells like peanut butter ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   The 15-year-old daughter brought home a young Naval Aviator
  to meet her parents.  During dinner, the pilot happened to
  mention that he was from Glen Burnie.  The Mother said, "What
  a coincidence.  My husband and I lived there 18 years ago when
  we were first married."
    The pilot got a strange look on his face and changed the
  topic of conversation.  The daughter fell strangely silent.
    After he left, the teen said, "Thanks a LOT Mom.  I told him
  I was 18. Now I'll have to tell him that I was illegitimate."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 8 Jul 1998 05:55:55 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 7/8/98 - Rejected Movie Slogans
 
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                         July 8, 1998
               The Top 16 Rejected Advertising
                  Slogans for Summer Movies
 
16> The X-Files: "The Merchandise is Out There."
 
15> Can't Hardly Wait: "**** - Pedophile Weekly"
 
14> The Horse Whisperer: "Filmed in Glorious Viagra-Rama"
 
13> Almost Heroes: "Almost Watchable!"
 
12> Godzilla: "His turds are bigger than your Winnebago."
 
11> The Horse Whisperer: "It's like 'The Electric Horseman',
    but this time Bob's only stunts involve bladder control."
 
10> Saving Private Ryan: "Serious-Schindler-Spielberg, Not
    Cool-Dinosaurs-Spielberg."
 
 9> The Horse Whisperer: "Just keepin' the chicks happy between
    asteroids."
 
 8> Hope Floats: "Never mind the Sex Pistols; here's the Bullock"
 
 7> Godzilla: "The last time a film sucked this much, Traci Lords
    was in it."
 
 6> 6 Days, 7 Nights: "Try to guess what Anne Heche is thinking
    about while she kisses Harrison Ford!"
 
 5> The Horse Whisperer: "Take Your Woman To See This, And She'll
    Owe You Sex For Months!"
 
 4> Black Dog: "No one with a three digit IQ admitted without a
    country & western singer."
 
 3> The X-Files: "Like you could stay away if you tried, Nerd Boy!"
 
 2> He Got Game: "But he ain't got passing SAT scores!"
 
               and Top5's Number 1 Rejected
         Advertising Slogan for a Summer Movie...
 
 1> A Perfect Murder: "Two Thumbs Up! - O.J."
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [ The Top 5 List   top5@walrusnet.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 8 Jul 1998 05:25:31 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Viagra's (adult)
 
I heard that a truck loaded with Viagra crashed into the Willamette
River in Oregon and now... none of the bridges will come down...
                   ==========================
 
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get
ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and
she says, "I'll be home in an hour."
 
"Perfect," he replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the
Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the
Viagra and waits. Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go,
but no wife?
 
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I
won't be there for about an hour and a half."  The man, frustrated,
calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
 
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a
housekeeper around?"
  
"Yes" the man replied.
 
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the
Doctor.
 
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the
housekeeper..."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 8 Jul 1998 07:08:02 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Tit for Tat!!!??

 Women's Quote of the Day:
 
 "Men are like a fine wine.  They all start out like grapes, and
  it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
  they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner."
 
 Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
 
 "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
  intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until
  they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 8 Jul 1998 15:39:33 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Good News and Bad News For a Pastor
         <off. to the religious>
 
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
 Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
 
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
 Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
 
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way
           you wrote it.
 Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a serach
           committee to find somebody capable of filling the
           position.
 
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches
           things exactly the same way you do.
 Bad News: The choir mutinied.
 
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
 Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show,"
           "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
 
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
 Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
 
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
 Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your
           parsonage.
 
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three
           weeks.
 Bad News: You were on vacation.
 
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
 Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
 
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
 Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your
           denomination.
 
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a
           surprise visit.
 Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed
           with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate"
           your house.
 
     -From Keith Todd
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 8 Jul 1998 11:36:57 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Can You Tell A Book By Its Author?
 
Can You Tell A Book By Its Author?

French Population................Francis Crowded
Downpour! ...........................Wayne Dwops
Cloning ..............................Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring ......................Lynn O'Leum
Handel's Messiah ....................Ollie Luyah
Personal House Construction ....Bill Jerome Home
Unemployed ............................Anita Job
Off to Market ....................Tobias A. Pigg
Holmes Does it Again .........Scott Linyard Home
Alone IV ........................Eddie Buddyhome
Carroll ...................Alison Wonderland Leo
Tolstoy ....................Warren Peace Neither
Borrower ........................Nora Lender Bee
Chef ...................................Sue Flay
Tight Situation .......................Leah Tard
Why Cars Stop ........................M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows ...........Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger ..........................Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing ..................Andover Hand
It's Springtime! ..................Theresa Green
No! ..................................Kurt Reply
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 8 Jul 1998 17:15:02 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Cathy at the Ball Game <off. to Blondes>
 
Cathy the world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived
early at the stadium for the first game of the series between
local rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket
at home.  Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, she went
to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat.
After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when
a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"
 
Cathy looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the
owner of the voice -- with no success.
 
Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and
had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.
 
After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to
buy a beer.  The line at the concession stand was also very long.
But since the game hadn't started she decided to wait.  Just as
she got to the window, a voice called out "Hey, Linda!"
 
Again Cathy tried to find the voice and got out of line as she
wandered looking for the owner of the voice.  But no luck. Cathy
was very upset as she got back in line for her beer.
 
Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager for the game to
begin.  As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice
calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more.
 
Furious, Cathy stood up and yelled at the top of her lungs,
"My name isn't Linda!"
                    -------------
 
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
 
A: Spot.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 8 Jul 1998 17:36:54 -0400
From:    "Paranoid A." <taffy36@JUNO.COM>
Subject: THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM <off. to religious>
 
THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM 1
5 Questions, 60 Minutes.
 
You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the
Book of Mormon.  The speed of light is c.  Show all work.  For all
problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D.
No praying during the exam.
 
1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner.  God
   loves each an equal amount L_0.  Bob then accelerates to .9c.
   In Joe's rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?
 
2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace.  He then has sex with
   sheep S.
      a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following
         the act if the sheep was not willing?
      b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being
         willing, could not be said to mind either?
 
3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit
   be the plane.  Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec.,
   traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis.
   Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription
   to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the
   Universe.  At what time t will Sue be saved?
   (Hint: Assume a point soul.)
 
4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t.  Cornelia, a
   saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head
   in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t.  What mass of
   meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?
 
5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state.  His
   sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals.  He eats .3 kg
   of pork, and enjoys it very much.  Assume that the Jews are
   right about, well, pretty much, everything.
      a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
      b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons.
         He ain't so damn smug now, is he?
 
Extra Credit (10 pts):
25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo
transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord.
How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
 
 
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 8 Jul 1998 18:00:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Life In The Slaw Lane
 
It was Cucumber the 1st. Summer was over. I had just spinached
a long day and I was busheled. I'm the kind of guy that works
hard for his celery, and I don't like telling you I was feeling
a bit wilted. But I didn't carrot all, because, otherwise, things
were vine. I try never to dasparagus, and I don't sweat the
truffles. I'm outstanding in my field, and I know that something
good will turnip eventually.
 
A bunch of things were going grape, and, soon, I'd be top banana.
At least, that's my peeling. But that's enough corn -- lend me
your ear, and lettuce continue.
 
After dressing, I stalked over to the grain station. I got there
just in lime to catch the nine-elemon as it plowed towards the
core of Appleton, a lentle more than a melon and a half yeast of
Cloveland.
 
No one got off at Zucchini, so we continued on a rutaBaga. Passing
my usual stop, I got avoCado. I haled a passing Yellow Cabbage
and told the driver to cart me off to Broccolin. I was going to
meet my brother across from the EggPlant, where he had a job at
the Saffron station pumpkin gas.
 
As soon as I saw his face, I knew he was in a yam. He told me
his wife had been raisin cane. Her name was Peaches -- a soiled
but radishing beauty with huge gourds (my brother had always been
a chestnut). But I could never figure out why she picked him.
He was a skinny little stringbean who'd always suffered from
Cerebral Parsley -- it was in our roots. Sure, we had tried to
weed it out, but the problem still romained. He was used to having
a tough row to hoe, but it irrigated me to see Arte-choke, and it
bothered my brother to see his marriage go to seed.
 
Like most mapled couples, they had a lot of growing to do. Shore,
they had sown their wild oats, but just barley, if you peas.
Finally, Peaches had given him an ultomato. She said, "I'm hip
to your chive, and if you don't stop smoking that herb, I'm
going to leaf you for Basil, you fruit!" He said he didn't realize
it had kumquat so far. Onion other hand, even though Peaches could
be the pits, I knew she'd never call the fuzz.
 
So I said, "Hay, we're not farm from the MushRoom. Let's walk
over." He said, "That's a very rice place! That's the same little
bar where alfalfa my wife." When we got there, I pulled up a
cherry and tried to produce small talk. I told him I hadn't seen
Olive; not since I'd shelled off for a trip to Macadamia, when
I told her we cantaloupe -- the thyme just wasn't ripe. She knew
what I mint!
 
When we left the MushRoom, we were pretty well juiced. I told
Arte to say hello to the boysenberry, and that I'd orange to
see him another time.
 
Well, it all came out in the morning peppers: Arte caught Peaches
that night with Basil, and Arte beet Basil bad, leaving him with
two beautiful acres. Peaches? She was found in the garden --
she'd be pruned.
 
Well, my little story is okra now. Maybe it's small potatoes.
Me? Idaho. My name? Wheat. My friends call be `Kernel'.
And that's life in the slaw lane. Thank you so mulch.
It's a garden out there!
 
          -Kip Adota
     From: moufid jibreen
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 8 Jul 1998 23:22:22 EDT
From:    Larry Barnes <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: Renewal of your subscription to the HUMOR list
 
     [Mis-sent Post deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 9 Jul 1998 09:40:08 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd-Times <clean>
 
The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa singh "Santa Darling, if we get
engaged will you give me a ring?"
 
"Sure" replied Santa "What's your phone number?"
          ------------------------
 
A Sardarni went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you
identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk.
 
The Sardarni opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it
and said, "Yes, it's me and I'm alright."
          ------------------------
 
Once Santa Singh, the psychiatrist, met a friend and exclaimed, "I
heard you are dead."
 
"But  you see I'm alive," smiled the friend.
 
"Impossible," said Santa Singh. "The man who told me is much more
reliable than you."
          ------------------------
 
Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and
asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
 
"Yes, of  course," said the doctor, "why not!"
 
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said Banta with joy, "I have been
illiterate for so long."
          ------------------------
 
"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor." said Santa to Banta
 
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big
kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"
replied Banta.
 
Santa said: "Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be
right over."
          ------------------------
 
Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of Drunken Driving.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The
judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
 
Santa immediately responded, "Thank you , your honour, I'll have a
scotch and soda."
          ------------------------
 
Court scene: [Santa and Banta Singh are lawyers]
 
Santa: You're a fool
Banta: And you're a damn fool.
Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can
       we now proceed with the case.
          ------------------------
 
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager
Santa Singh kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Santa Singh,
Is this what I pay you for?"
 
Santa Singh coolly replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
          ------------------------
 
His wife phoned Banta Singh in the office and said: "Darling, come
home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner."
 
"Good" replied Banta Singh, "make sure she's prepared well".
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Jul 1998 to 9 Jul 1998
**********************************************
 
