HUMOR Digest - 7 Jul 1998 to 8 Jul 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 439 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. No Monotony (Pun)
  2. Women of the 90's <adult humor>
  3. Real Men
  4. Potentially offensive to clergy and children of clergy
  5. A Gal Named Lewinsky <offensive to you know who>
  6. Nuts
  7. Santa suggestions ...
  8. Sporting Commentary Quotes
  9. I"M DEAD
 
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Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 00:08:14 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: No Monotony (Pun)
 
A wife became suspicious because her husband was spending long
periods of time away from home, supposedly on business trips. So
she hired a private investigator to follow him and report on his
behavior. The detective reported that he travelled to a near-by
city where he spent his evenings in an apartment with a beautiful
woman, and had photographs to prove it.
 
When her husband returned from his "business trip", she confronted
him about his involvement with another woman. He then confessed to
having a second marriage. When his wife reacted in disbelief, the
man said... "I think it was bigamy to admit it."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 03:38:21 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Women of the 90's <adult humor>
 
*   "Will I be the first to do this to you ?" whispered the man
  after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex.
    "What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't even
  know what position you want to use yet."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A street-wise stunningly beautiful blonde walked into a bank
  and asked to see the manager about a loan.  When seated in his
  office, she said, "Look !  Before we get started on this, I heard
  a story where a girl borrowed some money & she was unable to pay
  it back.  The manager of the bank made her sleep with him for
  $100 a nite until the loan was paid off.  Could that happen ?"
    The bank manager smiled, "Well, I've never heard of such an
  occurrence, it's not likely..." then he looked her over again,
  "but... I guess it's not impossible."
    "Good !" smirked the blonde, "I'd like to borrow $286,000."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The attractive Yuppette, admired by all the husbands at the
  club, was talking to one of the wives over drinks. "I've
  developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."
    The wife grinned and replied, "That's not surprising darling...
  considering the number of times you've been inoculated."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.  He
  arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room.  When they're done,
  he said, "I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good."
    The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that hot either."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend
  had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he
  was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
    "Marry him anyway dear." the Mother said.  "Between the two of
  us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 06:52:34 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Real Men
 
Note:  All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.
Know this, and you will have come far in understanding them
and enriching your own life.
 
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
   and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
   intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
   incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
   disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping
   out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression
   and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
 
   A. Present it to the President of the United States.
   B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
   C. Take it apart.
 
 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
    you miss the most?
 
    A. Innocence.
    B. Idealism.
    C. Cherry bombs.
 
 3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
 
    A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
       regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
    B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips).
    C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
       the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for
       business reasons, you have to have him killed.
 
 4. What about hugging another male?
 
    A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal
       disease.
    B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
    C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
       a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided
       that:
         (1) He is legally within the base path;
         (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection;
         (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard
             enough to cause fractures.
 
 5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
 
    A. A cat.
    B. A dog.
    C. A dog that eats cats.
 
 6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's
    attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with
    her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking
    it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the
    papers - when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells
    you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer
    bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship
    is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get
    married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of
    future together. What do you say?
 
    A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
       but you don't want to rush it.
    B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
       cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to
       make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by
       holding out false hope.
    C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
       and seventeen.
 
 7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
    want to share with her all of the joys and sorrows that the
    world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
 
    A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
    B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
       name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing
       her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
    C. Tell her what?
 
 8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you
    to get your three children ready for school. Your first
    question to her is:
 
    A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
    B. "They're in school already?"
    C. "There are three of them?"
 
 9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
 
    A. When it has turned the colour of a dead whale and developed
       new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were
       originally intended for your legs.
    B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
       molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
    C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real
       guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we
       are not naming names, but this might be his wife, is quietly
       trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly
       jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate
       relationship with it than with her.
 
10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
    the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
    forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
 
    A. He was being tested.
    B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
       they finally got there.
    C. He refused to ask for directions.
 
11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
 
    A. Democracy.
    B. Religion.
    C. Remote control.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 07:01:59 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Potentially offensive to clergy and children of clergy
 
Toto, the pastor's son is taken aside by his mother who asks him to
say grace at the table before all the quests invited to the noon
meal.
 
He, rebels: "But, Ma, what do I say?"
 
"Just repeat what you've heard me say so many times..."
 
Toto stands and says in a loud voice:
"DEAR LORD, WHY DID I INVITE ALL THESE PEOPLE?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 07:23:19 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Gal Named Lewinsky <offensive to you know who>
 
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
 
Said  Clinton to young Ms Lewinsky
"We mustn't leave clues like Kaczynski
Since you look such a mess
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off your chinsky."
 
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known;
An intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
If something is going to be blown.
 
There was a young girl named Lewinsky
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Ken Starr's lap
She confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 10:39:23 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Nuts
 
"Dividing The Nuts"

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys
filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of
sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several
rolled out towards the fence.
 
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He
slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you,
one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my G-d!" he
shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the
cemetery!"
 
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling
along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard.
Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The old man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it
hard to walk as it is!"
 
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."  The old man
whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we
can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward
the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for
you, one for me.  One for you, one for me. And one last one for
you. That's all.  Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll
be done."
 
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 12:02:06 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Santa suggestions ...
 
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid
on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there.
Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put
a taillight on that bike."

The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to
you?" The cop says, "Yeah."

The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick
underneath the horse, instead of on top."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 18:32:44 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: Sporting Commentary Quotes
 
Due to a large number of hilarious quotes through the World Cup by
our glorious english commentators, I thought I would print the best
I could remember.
 
"Vieri pulled off the defender's shoulder"
     - Ron Atkinson -
 
"He's desperate to relieve himself"
     - Ron Atkinson -
 
"One multiplied by one is two!"
     - Ron Atkinson -
 
"He's feeling around down his flank"
     - Ron Atkinson -
 
"Bergkamp wasn't satisfied with that faint tickle... he wanted a
 bit more of the other"
     - Barry Davies -
 
"The ball bounced up his nose"
     - Barry Davies -
 
"He disappeared through a hole in the turf"
     - Barry Davies -
 
"The goalkeeper missed it by a mile, literally!"
     - Barry Davies -
 
"There are 58 million frenchmen in france, including the women"
     - Barry Davies -
 
"He's had his legs cut off and now he's a bit short of space"
     - David Pleat -
 
"There's grass in front of the team, and grass behind them as well"
     - David Pleat -
 
"He's got a wonderful left foot, but he seems to have lost it"
     - David Pleat -
 
"He retaliated in advance of being fouled"
     - Ian St. John -
 
"Klinsmann has dropped off"
     - Clive Tyldesley -
 
"His heart is as big as himself"
     - Kevin Keegan -
 
"He put both feet up in the air at the same time"
     - Trevor Brooking -
 
"They've got half the ball away"
     - John Motson -
 
"He took off into space and got lost"
     - Peter Drury -
 
"That corner kick was almost subterranean"
     - John Champion -
 
 
http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 16:34:54 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: I"M DEAD
 
St Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of
Heaven, pacing up and down.
 
"Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.
 
"No, it's alright. Won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his
watch, shrugs and paces on.
 
St Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again.
 
The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead.
Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Jul 1998 to 8 Jul 1998
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