HUMOR Digest - 6 Jul 1998 to 7 Jul 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 273 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. World-Wide Diversity
  2. A little game
  3. The Two Tigers(adult )
  4. The Judge (Pun)
  5. A "Short" Story
  6. Good sport
  7. Recycling French Style <clean>
 
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Date:    Mon, 6 Jul 1998 03:32:37 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: World-Wide Diversity
 
* I once had dinner in a German-Chinese restaurant.  The food was
  delicious, but an hour later, I was hungry for power.
                           - - - - -
 
* Speaking of Chinese restaurants (I was) did ya ever wonder where
  the Chinese go when they want to eat out ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Many of the world's greatest runners come from Kenya because they
  have a unique training program there -- it's called a lion.
                           - - - - -
 
* Baseball is big in Japan.  The pitchers are among the best in the
  world.  That's because if they get knocked out of a game, they're
  sent to the showers -- with a sword.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A doctor in a London hospital notices one of his patients has a
  swollen ear.  He asks the man, "What about this ear ?"
    The Cockney replies, "This 'ere what ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Two Aussies were discussing their family trees.  The first
  said, "Too bad you can't choose your ancestors."
    The other smiled and replied, ""Listen Mate, chances are they
  wouldn't have chosen you either."
                           - - - - -
 
*   An Italian and his wife emigrated to America and became
  citizens. Returning home from the ceremony, he said, "Maria,
  we're citizens."
    The wife tied an apron around him and said, "Great !  Now YOU
  wash the dishes."
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Mon, 6 Jul 1998 07:08:09 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A little game
 
This is a little game that has a pretty funny/creepy outcome. Don't
read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 3 minutes and I
think that it's worth it. I did it and it was weird! First, get a
blank piece of paper and pen. When you are asked to choose names,
make sure it's people you ACTUALLY KNOW. Scroll down one line at a
time. Don't read ahead or you'll ruin the fun!!
 
 1) First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
 
 2) Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write any two numbers you want.
 
 3) Beside the  3 and 7, write down the names of members of the
    opposite sex (or same sex if you're gay).  Don't look ahead
    or it won't turn out right!
 
 4) Write anyone's name (like friends or family) in the 4th, 5th
    and 6th spots.
 
 5) Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.
 
 6) Finally, make a wish...
 
 
            ***** And here is the key for that game *****
 
 
 1) You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game in
    (the number in space 1) days in order to make your wish come
    true.
 
 2) The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
 
 3) The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out.
 
 4) You care most about the person you put in 4.
 
 5) The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very
    well.
 
 6) The person you name in 6 is your lucky star
 
 7) The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3
 
 8) The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
 
 9) The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your
    mind.
 
10) And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 6 Jul 1998 10:27:32 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Two Tigers(adult )
 
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking
through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his
tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.  The startled
tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already."
 
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about
another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his
tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger
turns around & cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about
another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the
tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear
tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
 
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying
to get the taste out of my mouth!"
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 6 Jul 1998 09:41:01 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Judge (Pun)
 
When Dan was appointed to the Superior Court it was generally
believed that he would be a strict law and order judge, one willing
to use the three strikes law to keep repeat offenders off the
street. But it didn't work out that way, Judge D. finding any means
possible to give a convicted felon the minimum prison time
possible.
 
When the time came for re-election, the judge found himself in a
heated battle with a former prosecutor. In a debate before much of
the local citizenry, he was asked by his challenger, "How can you
justify your unwillingness to use the three strikes law." Dan
answered immediately, "I refuse to pronounce a long sentence
because... it is beyond my jury's diction."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 6 Jul 1998 18:00:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: A "Short" Story
 
     -From: <Tedbrett@aol.com>
 
About ten years ago I was traveling in Jamaica and I came upon a
group of American dwarves and midgets who were in the midst of
holding their annual convention.  As never before, they began to
realize just how indifferent and uncaring the rest of the world was
when it came to providing convenient & satisfactory accommodations
for little people.
 
At their convention, it seemed to the leaders and organizers of the
convention, that the dwarves and midgets should have expected to
find an expensive resort willing to cater to their every comfort.
Typically, the little conventioneers found the furniture too large,
the beds too high, the cabinets too inaccessbile, and fixtures in
general either too large or too tall for them.
 
They resolved that this would never happen again at one of their
conventions. They ran a lottery, conducted raffles, and collected
enough money to build their own resort for future meetings -- a
resort designed for midgets and dwarves.  The luxury resort has
smaller furniture, smaller and shorter fixtures, provided more
convenient access, and, in short, provided everything downsized
for the smaller people of the world. Of course, some of the rooms
and accommodations would be normal sized for normal-sized people
in order to attract as many people as possible to the vacation
retreat.
 
However, special rooms would have smaller accoutrements.  Rooms,
furnitures, fixtures... everything would be smaller for the smaller
guests. Furtherfore, they resolved that all dwarves and midgets
could stay at this new resort without paying anything.
 
They called these rooms "stay-free mini pads."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 20:06:06 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Good sport
 
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his ute when
he sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the
bridge into the water far below.
 
Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts "G'day Sheila! What the fuck do
you think you're doing?"
 
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye & says "G'day Bruce --
You got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill myself."
 
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this & says "Sheila,
not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 7 Jul 1998 10:38:39 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Recycling French Style <clean>
 
A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a
restaurant.  The American feel really proud to be an American, so
he starts a conversation.
 
He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"
"Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.
 
"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The
rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a
mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.
 
"And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat  all parts of
them?"
 
"Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.
 
"You don`t say!" says the American, grinning. "We don`t! We only
eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in
containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes
out are little steaks that we sell in France."
 
Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do
Americans do with their used condoms?"
 
"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the  American.
 
"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers, take
them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is
chewing gum that we sell in America!"
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Jul 1998 to 7 Jul 1998
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