HUMOR Digest - 5 Jul 1998 to 6 Jul 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 596 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Life in Columbia Maryland
  2. Ethel (adult)
  3. (Adult Content) Camelot
  4. The Henpecked Hubby
  5. Horse Ride
  6. Return from Overseas (Pun)
  7. Humor - Wierd Business News #6
  8. Fwd: Re: July reservations
  9. July reservations (2)
 10. 4th
 11. Egg on face
 12. Dilbert wanna be: 8-14 out of 14
 13. travel language joke (offensive to asians)
 
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Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 03:22:04 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life in Columbia Maryland
 
* Columbia's Twelve-Step Program for those residents recovering
  from Twelve-Step programs meets every Thursday at The Serenity
  Center.
                           - - - - -
 
* The Columbia Community Players recently presented 3 plays about
  Love at the local community college.  They were listed as:
  "Money, the Universal Language"; "To See or Be Seen"; &
  "Glittering Gold".
                           - - - - -
 
* A carillon concert was held at Centennial Park.  In keeping with
  the tradition of summer cook-outs, pit Quiche Lorraine was
  offered to listeners as refreshments.
                           - - - - -
 
* A drill was held by the SARtrek Search and Rescue Team of
  Columbia. All participants carried backpacks fulled loaded with
  Pierrer, the "Wine of the Month" and Chevre-Peppered Smoked
  Salmon Croutes.
                           - - - - -
 
* A pre-kindergarten program for low income families in Columbia
  has been expanded to two new schools this year.  To qualify,
  parents must have combined incomes of less than $ 255,000.
                           - - - - -
 
* Food baskets for the underprivileged were delivered by students
  to earn credits towards their community service requirements.
  All families in Columbia owning less than two BMW's were selected
  to receive this month's 4th of July picnic baskets.
                           - - - - -
 
* A messy strike was avoided recently when all of the members of
  Columbia's blue-collar workers ratified a new one-year contract.
  All seven of the blue-collar union members in this city of 90,000
  said they were pleased with the contract's terms.
                           - - - - -
 
* The PGA's Seniors Tournament being held at Columbia's Hobbits
  Glen this week is expected to generate $15 million in additional
  sales for local businesses.  A spokesman for the Columbia
  Association said the additional 4.7% in average weekly revenue
  for the merchants should help provide smaller bills to make
  change for the Seniors.
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 11:42:51 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Ethel (adult)
 
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge
around  the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting
up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman
is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her,
and some actually joined in!
 
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
a resident stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said
in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?". Ethel
fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat
wrapper which she held up to him. "OK" he said and she went on her
way. After taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
another man stepped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you
got a valid tax decal for your vehicle,  Madam?". Ethel dug into
her handbag again and pulled out a beer-coaster which she held up
to him and he allowed her to carry on.
 
Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third
resident stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and
was holding a sizable erection in his hand. "Oh no," said Ethel,
"not the breathalyzer again!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 08:56:06 -0700
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: (Adult Content) Camelot
 
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried
about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of
the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After
explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful
and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up
with something.
 
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the
good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity
belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious
place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this
opening. How is this supposed to protect milady, the Queen?"
 
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered
work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected
his most worn out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture
of the chastity belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down
and cut it neatly in two.
 
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can
leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
 
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out
upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had
them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
 
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or
damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad",
exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you
among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power
to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
 
"Mmmphmp," said Sir Galahad.
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 11:03:54 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Henpecked Hubby
 
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said.
"Go home and show her you're the boss."
 
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home,
slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled,
"From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right
now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my
clothes.  Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to
stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going
to tie my bow tie?"
 
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 14:59:02 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Horse Ride
 
                    A Harrowing Horse Ride
 
Not to long ago a blonde woman I know had a near death experience
that has changed her forever. She was horseback riding, and
everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of
control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown
off.
 
Her foot became caught in the stirrup. She fell head first to the
ground and her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not
stop or even slow down.
 
Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up
hope and about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The
Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 12:33:13 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Return from Overseas (Pun)
 
A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to Bombay and
Calcutta where he purchased two diamond necklesses. On his return
flight to the United States, he had to go through customs where he
was asked to list eveerything he had purchased on his trip. So he
made... the declaration of Indian pendants.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 16:57:59 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Wierd Business News #6
 
     (Copied from Jim Barlow's Column, Houston Chronicle)
 
FOR those who had a fifth on the Fourth and aren't up to the harsh
realities of the business world -- lighten up with some Weird
Business News.
 
The Best Business Invitation of the Month was the mysterious one,
no company name attached, inviting me to "Please join us in
celebrating the birth of Chewy, the gorilla." Vital statistics
included a weight of 45,000 pounds and length of 32 feet.
 
Chewy turns out to be owned by Medwaste Technologies Corp. of
Houston. Chewy grinds up medical waste, disinfects it, then spits
it out. Now aren't you glad you know that.
 
Our Road Sign of the Month comes to us courtesy of Travel Weekly,
a trade magazine. It was at a resort hotel in England and warned,
"Beware. Slow Moving Hedgehogs."
 
Product of the Month -- the Safesun. A palm-size ultraviolet meter.
You punch in your skin type and the sunscreen you're wearing. It
beeps before you burn.
 
Product of the Month (second place) to VMM Enterprises of
Clearwater, Fla., which is marketing the world's first training bra
for adult women.
 
And speaking of hot news. Balance Bar has been named the Official
Energy Bar of the Suzuki Rock 'n' Roll Marathon of San Diego,
Calif.
 
More hot news. Nearly two-thirds of all companies have employees
looking at smut on the Internet during business hours, using
company computers. That was brought to you by Elron Software, which
(no surprise) makes Elron Internet Manager, which allows companies
to snoop on their smut-smugglers.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 15:42:45 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Fwd: Re: July reservations
 
     [Mis-sent Post deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 15:43:35 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Re: July reservations
 
     [Mis-sent Post deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 15:40:04 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: July reservations
 
     [Mis-sent Post deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 15:36:46 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: 4th
 
     [Mis-sent Post deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 15:53:22 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Egg on face
 
Please accept my abject apologies for previous posts.
Screw up in e-mail system has been corrected!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 18:59:30 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Dilbert wanna be: 8-14 out of 14
 
This was forwarded to me by a friend who seems to have gotten it
from dndlea@xxxxxxx.com (Donn)
 
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. The writers
were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life
Dilbert-type managers.  Here are some of the submissions:
 
 8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 
    'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
 9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
    When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to
    miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we
    could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be
    better for me."  (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is
    not going to discuss it with the employees.  (AT&T Long Lines
    Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, 
    "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
    regarding the subject mentioned above."  (Microsoft, Legal
    Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him
    concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow
    would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I
    would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"  (New Business
    Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
    reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the
    body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the
    "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The
    day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was
    called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the
    executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
    asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"
    (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her
    copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the
    word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly
    reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary
    and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told
    me not to worry.  He would take care of it.  Two days later a
    memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words
    which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
    used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance
    with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting
    words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated
    memo from a large communications company:" Lucent Technologies
    is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on
    current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on
    innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations
    of quality!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 5 Jul 1998 20:51:03 -0400
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: travel language joke (offensive to asians)
 
This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room
service at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in
the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service: "Morny.  Ruin sorbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees. Morny! Jewish to odor sunteen??"
G:  "Uh, yes, I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G:  "What??"
RS: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?"
G:  "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."
RS: "Ow July dee baychem - crease?"
G:  "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San toes?"
G:  "What?"
RS: "San toes. July San toes?"
G:  "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G:  "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo
     one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes! Why jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
     we bother?"
G:  "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
     Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G:  "No, just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G:  "I mean butter - just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G:  "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G:  "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
     baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and
     copy... rye??"
G:  "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G:  "You're welcome"
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Jul 1998 to 6 Jul 1998
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