HUMOR Digest - 4 Jul 1998 to 5 Jul 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 410 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Independence Day
  2. JimJr's Navy
  3. Mexican Cusine (Pun)
  4. One Liners
  5. Dilbert wanna be. 1-7 out of 14
  6. Families
 
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Date:    Sat, 4 Jul 1998 02:15:02 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Independence Day
 
 The Court of King George III
 London, England
 
 July 10, 1776
 
 Mr. Thomas Jefferson
 c/o The Continental Congress
 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
 
 Dear Mr. Jefferson:
 
 We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great
 interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking,
 and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. 
 Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently
 adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must
 return the document to you for further refinement. The questions
 which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
 
 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of
    Nature and Nature's God."  What are these laws?  In what way
    are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments?
    Please document with citations from the recent literature.
 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." 
    Whose polling data are you using?  Without specific evidence,
    it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of
    opinion.
 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident."  Could you please
    elaborate.  If they are as evident as you claim then it should
    not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting
    statistics.
 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the
    goals of your proposal.  These are not measurable goals.  If
    you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an
    average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55
    years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news
    without outside interference, and to raise the average income
    of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these
    could be measurable goals.  Please clarify.
 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes
    destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to
    alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government..."
    Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives?
    What are the trade-off considerations?
 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive.
    Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of
    goals, not follow it.  Your problem statement needs
    improvement.
 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all.
    You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent
    States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the
    British Crown."  Who or what must change to achieve this
    objective?  In what way must they change?  What specific steps
    will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it
    take?  We have found that a little foresight in these areas
    helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective
    are your strategies?
 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for
    implementing your strategy?  Who conceived it?  Who provided
    the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory
    committee?  Please submit an organization chart and vitae of
    the principal investigators.
 9. You must include an evaluation design.  We have been requiring
    this since Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have?  Your failure to include
    any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the
    long-range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized
    budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

 We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your
 "Declaration of Independence."  We welcome the submission of your
 revised proposal.  Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July
 31, 1776.  Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
 
                    Sincerely,
 
                    Management Analyst to the British Crown
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 4 Jul 1998 03:51:10 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Navy
 
* Our Officer's Mess (dining hall) had subscriptions to various
  magazines. Once when a subscription was about to run out, a
  letter arrived from the publisher addressed to: "Dear Mr. Mess".
                           - - - - -
 
* When I was awarded my wings, my Father said to my Mother, "Just
  think, the Navy gives him a $ 900,000 airplane to fly, and just
  last year, I was worried whenever he borrowed our Lincoln."
                           - - - - -
 
* Even land-based sailors don't escape chipping, painting and
  cleaning.  When I was at Pensacola, a sailor had just finished
  painting a small shed and was taking a smoke break.  An officer
  happened by and asked why he was lounging around.  He replied,
  "I'm waiting for the paint to dry Sir, so I can scrub it."
                           - - - - -
 
*   I once noticed a Chief wearing a rating badge I wasn't familiar
  with.  I asked him what it was, and he said he was a parachute
  rigger.  Intrigued, I then asked how he got into that specialty.
    "Well Sir," he replied, "Far as I know, it's the only job in
  the Navy where there are never any complaints from the user."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Not too often, but I guess just to stay qualified, the Division
  Commander himself would take out a flight.  A group of pilots
  happened to be on hand to watch "the old man" land.  As luck
  would have it, he actually "bounced" the plane several times on
  the runway.  I said, "Boy !  Look at him bounce !"
    The squadron operations officer, an old-timer himself, said
  "Son, only junior officers 'bounce'.  When the old man flies,
  you'll find it far more profitable to say 'Gusty out there today,
  isn't it ?'"
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 4 Jul 1998 01:00:03 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Mexican Cusine (Pun)
 
Ferdinand Feghoot explored the system of the star y-Turista
during the Third Franco-Mexican Empire. The expedition was
sponsored by His Cosmic Majesty Maximillano Ixthuatl XXII, who
decreed patriotically that only Mexican food might be served aboard
ship.
 
In 3002, Feghoot returned, and was ushered directly into the
Presence. "What did you find?" asked the Emperor.
 
"Sire," replied Feghoot, "most marvelous of all are our
Ixixixangos." He pointed to a couple of creatures who looked like
vitrified anteaters and clanked when they walked. "All other
life-forms are either carbon or silicon based. Only the Ixixixango
has a chemistry based upon both , and requires both for its
substance. "
 
"You mean they can't eat what everyone eats?"
 
"No indeed. We fed them ground glass and meat."
 
"Ha!" cried the Emperor. " So that's how you follow my orders,
Fernando Feghoot. Ground-glass-and-meat isn't Mexican food! "
 
"It is too!" said Feghoot...  "It's silicon carne."
 
     -By Reginald Bretner using the penname Grendel Briarton
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 4 Jul 1998 11:05:10 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: One Liners
 
* Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
 
* Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
 
* If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
 
* Would the Standing Committee please sit down?
 
* 43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
 
* The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.
 
* Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
 
* A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
 
* Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...
 
* It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
 
* For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
 
* Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
 
* Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
 
* |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __    The domino effect at work.
 
* Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
 
* Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!
 
* Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
 
* Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
 
* Contents may have settled out of court.
 
* If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.
 
* A day without sunshine is like night.
 
* A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago...
 
* Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
 
* Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?
 
* Improve mail delivery... mail the posties their pay!!
 
* Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
 
* Old is always fifteen years older than I am.
 
* 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
 
* I am the root of some evil... send some money.
 
* The buck doesn't even slow down here!
 
* Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
 
* If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
 
* Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
 
* Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
 
* The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
 
* Don't question authority... It hasn't got a clue!!!!!
 
* Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
 
* He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
 
* Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
 
* Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.
 
* Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
 
* Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.
 
* Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
 
* The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
 
* A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
 
* Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
 
* History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victor.
 
* After four decimal places, nobody cares.
 
* One good turn gets all the blankets.
 
* Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts.
 
* Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
 
* War never decides who is right, only who is left.
 
* A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
 
* 'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.
 
* Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.
 
* A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
 
* Support the right to arm bears.
 
* We do precision guesswork.
 
* My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
 
* Don't let school interfere with your education.
 
* 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.
 
* Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
 
* A penny saved is a government oversight.
 
* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
 
* Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
 
* How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders ?
 
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
 
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
 
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In All States.
 
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
 
* Televangelists:  The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
 
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
 
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
  overlooked something.
 
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
 
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
 
* Laughing stock:  cattle with a sense of humor.
 
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
 
* Make a speech interesting, say: I stand here before you to look
  behind you to tell you of something I know nothing about.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 4 Jul 1998 20:15:34 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Dilbert wanna be. 1-7 out of 14
 
This was forwarded to me by a friend who seems to have gotten it
from dndlea@XXXXX.com (Donn)
 
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. The writers
were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life
Dilbert-type managers.  Here are some of the submissions:
 
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
   building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken
   next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two
   weeks.  (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft
   Corporation in Redmond, WA)
 
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
   encounter.  (Lykes Lines Shipping)
 
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
   (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
 
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
   should be used only for company business.  (Accounting Mgr.,
   Electric Boat Company)
 
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
   important interfere with it.  (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
 
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one
   will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
   working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and
   I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.  (R&D Supervisor,
   Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)
 
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
   that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was
   damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
   write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 4 Jul 1998 20:14:11 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Families
 
     Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jul 1998 to 5 Jul 1998
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