HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1998 to 2 Jul 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 441 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Maryland State Highway <some adult humor>
  2. Viagra in Italy <adult-ish>
  3. Research <offensive to insect lovers>
  4. maybe offensive to harvard grads.
  5. The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 3
  6. Pranks at the office
  7. What Am I?
  8. Justice prevails
  9. Desert <s-word>
 10. clinton joke <adult>
 11. Drunk Again
 12. The Optician (Pun)
 
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Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 03:38:18 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Maryland State Highway <some adult humor>
 
* I had to do my part in spreading the gospel of "Sexual
  Harassment" in the workplace.  I posted what I thought was a very
  appropriate sign: "Women want sexual harassment in the workplace
  stopped. This includes verbal as well as physical harassment.
  They want all the off-color remarks halted;  neither do they
  appreciate any groping, and that means no ifs, ands or butts"
                           - - - - -
 
* When the Office of Maintenance moved into our new fancy complex,
  it was decided to hire a security firm to act as night watchmen.
  The company was not too swift though -- during the first week we
  were there, somebody stole 2 nites.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Personnel for Highway Maintenance crews are hired anytime
  there's a vacancy.  I was interviewing one prospective employee
  and after I explained the salary and benefits, I asked if he had
  any questions.
    He said, "Yes, I'll really get a raise every six months ?" And
  I told him that as long as he performed satisfactorily, he would.
    "Damn !" he said.  "I should have known they'd be a catch to
  it."
                           - - - - -
 
* Don't get the idea now that a lot of heavy drinkers were employed
  in highway maintenance.  But it is worth noting that all
  personnel got time and a fifth for overtime.
                           - - - - -
 
* I had no desire to ever become a Senior Manager while working at
  the State Highway -- I couldn't have afforded the clothing.  I
  mean the guys we had wore out 4 suits for every pair of shoes.
                           - - - - -
 
* Our Administrator always made it a point to say that he wanted no
  "Yes men" on his staff.  After hearing that for the 167th time, a
  voice for the back of the meeting room said, "Hal, exactly how
  many 'No men' do you currently have on board ?"
                           - - - - -

*   I guess some things will never change.  I hired a temp while my
  secretary was on maternity leave.  Trying to arrive at an
  agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
    She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred
  a week."
    I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.  She shook her
  head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 12:45:42 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Viagra in Italy <adult-ish>
 
     (Sent by a friend in Italy)
 
1) Prostitutes in Naples, Italy, gave their business a jump start
   by providing elderly clients with Viagra, Deutsche Press Agentur
   reported, citing the Milan-based newspaper Corriere della Sera.
   The call girls charged 1 million lira (570 dollars) for their
   services.
 
2) Viagra is not approved for sale in Italy, though Viagra cheese
   is available. An enterprising cheesemaker saw sales of its
   "cheese of the forest" soar after it renamed it Viagra,
   according to Agence France Presse. No dissatisfied customers
   have come forward.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 14:39:29 +0300
From:    Daniel Rubin <rubind@POST.TAU.AC.IL>
Subject: Research <offensive to insect lovers>
 
Some biological researcher experimented with a flea. He puts it on
the table and says: -Jump  The flea jumps 3 meter, so he writes
down to his log "the flea has jumped 3 meters".
 
Afterwards he cuts one of its legs and says again -Jump  The flea
jumps only 2 meter, so he writes down to the log "the flea has
jumped 2 meters"
 
Then he again cuts one more leg, again says -Jump  It jumped 1.5
meter, which was also registered in the log.
 
He continued cutting the fleas' legs until there were no legs left,
he puts it on the table and says: -Jump  The flea doesn't move. He
says again: -Jump  It doesn't move. So he writes down "The flea
can't hear."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 07:10:49 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: maybe offensive to harvard grads.
 
A Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate
or the equivalent."  Among the inquiries received was one from a
Yale grad.
 
He said, "do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?"
 
 
          -From the Rel-humor list
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 10:15:19 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 3
 
The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 3
Richard Lederer,  St. Paul's School
 
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher
is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.
I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from
certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers
throughout the United States, from eight grade through college
level.  Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
 
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of
his plays.  He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing
tragedies, comedies and errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous
plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a
long soliloquy.  In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth
to kill the King by attacking his manhood.
 
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
 
Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote "Donkey Hote".  The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote "Paradise Lost."  Then his wife dies and he wrote
"Paradise Regained."
 
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, & the Santa Fe
 
Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the
Pilgrim's Progress.  When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops
before them.  The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back.
Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses,
which proved very fatal to them.
 
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people
died and many babies were born.  Captain John Smith was responsible
for all this.
 
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put
tacks in their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their pacels
through the post without stamps.
 
During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
 
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for
taxis.
 
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress.
 
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the Declaration of Independence.
 
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket
and a loaf of bread under each arm.  He invented electricity by
rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself
cannot stand."
 
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
 
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country.
 
Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility.
 
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare
arms.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 09:17:46 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Pranks at the office
 
Get everyone but your target in on it and never come by his or her
office twice in a row wearing the same clothes.  Sanity test...
 
Staple ever unimportant paper on their desk together.
 
If your target has a computer, reposition the monitor everyday.
 
Fill an empty white out bottle with milk and replace it with your
co-workers.
 
Put a live lobster or any other creature in the file cabinet.
 
If computer has speakers turn the volume all way up or way down
depending on your mood.
 
Taping down the switch hook buttons on a phone gets some
interesting reactions. When the mark answers the phone keeps
ringing.
 
Program the mark's phone to forward to the office paging system.
 
Ask your mark, "ARE YOU GETTING FIRED? WELL, THAT'S THE RUMOR."
 
Does your coworker have fish in the office? Take the fish and leave
a ransom note.
 
Pull the labeled buttons off of their phone and rearrange the order
and put them back on their phone. They won't be sure of which line
is which or which connects them to the boss!
 
Tape your victim's telephone receiver down at top and bottom when
they are away from their desk. When they come back, call them from
your desk and watch them struggle to answer.
 
Put transparent tape over the read out of a calculator. It makes
the numbers blurry.
 
If your boss wins some kind of prestigious award, manufacture a
phony memo from the company president announcing the discontinuance
of the award.
 
By a package of approximately 200 of those little paper bathroom
cups and neatly arrange them all over the subjects desk. Then
staple them all together and fill them with water. See how long it
takes them to figure out how to get rid of this set-up without
spilling water all over their paperwork, files, computer, etc...
 
Take the paper out of the copier and write "Everything written of
the flip side of this paper is a lie!" Put it back into the copier
mixed with regular sheets.
 
Buy a voice changer at Toys 'R Us and answer the phone in strange
voices.
 
Does somebody smoke at work when they're not supposed to?  Put
Ambesol on the filter of their cigarettes. Watch as their lips and
mouth go numb when they light up!
 
Get Valerian Root capsules (at health food stores) and when
co-worker is away from desk, take his phone apart and open a
capsule or two of Valerian Root in the mouthpiece then replace.
Guaranteed to smell terrible!
 
At lunch, swap the worker's real food with look-a-like dog toys.
 
If someone is applying for a job, call them back and leave a wrong
number. They go crazy for a while until you call them back
apologizing.
 
If the drawers to the victim's desk has a board under it you can
take the drawer out, take the contents out, put the drawer back in,
but UPSIDE-DOWN! Then, while the upside-down drawer is partially
opened, put the contents back in and close it. When the
unsuspecting victim opens the drawer, all the contents fall out!
 
Take some cellophane and open up the glue bottle. Put the
cellophane across the opening, then close the bottle. Watch the
victim try to squeeze glue out. They either open it up to check,
or they squeeze to hard, breaking the cellophane and spraying
glue everywhere.
 
Tell a new worker that everyone has tomorrow off because of the
boss's religious beliefs. See if he shows up the next day.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 13:17:42 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: What Am I?
 
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long,
the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is
usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It
boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small
hole at the other.
 
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly,
sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is
thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession,
often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
 
Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rythmic,
pulsing sound, resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When
finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white
substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces
of the opeing and some from its long, glistening shaft.
 
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have
ceased emanating, it is returned to bristling climax twice or three
times a day, but often much less.
 
 WHAT AM I????
 
 
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none
other than your very own: "TOOTHBRUSH"!!!!!
 
What were you thinking?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 19:23:04 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Justice prevails
 
The Federal Government has examined all the facts and finally filed
charges against TWA for the flight 800 accident. This week TWA will
be charged with littering, and subject to a hefty fine.
 
The FAA hopes that such extreme measures will prevent future
incidents.
 
 
http://3-cities.com/~mmullen/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 20:28:52 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Desert <s-word>
 
     (This is a bit of a visual joke, so tell this
      to your friends, and act along)
 
A plane crashed in a desert. The survivors gathered together and
the captain went to see if there's anything to eat. After a while
he came back and said: "I have good and bad news: Bad news is that
the only thing to eat is camel shit. The good news is:", he
continued spreading his hands: "There's a loooootttt of it.."
 
 
http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 18:01:11 -0600
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: clinton joke <adult>
 
Did you hear that Hillary Clinton has been waking up everyday at
3:00 a.m.?
 
She has to if she wants to be the first lady!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 18:56:36 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Drunk Again
 
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone,
so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on
his rear end.
 
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing,
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and,
sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he
repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and
he went to bed.
 
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
 
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you
 go?"
 
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of
 beers."
 
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got
 plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
 
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
 
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this
 morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 1 Jul 1998 22:58:16 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Optician (Pun)
 
You know those one hour eye glass places they have in the malls
these days where you can stand in the hallway and watch the people
grind the lenses? The other day I was watching one of those guys
through the glass when he tripped and fell into his grinder...
He made a spectacle of himself.
 
               -By Dave White
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1998 to 2 Jul 1998
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