HUMOR Digest - 30 Jun 1998 to 1 Jul 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 379 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Maryland Weather
  2. A Couple of Smiles
  3. Humor:Offensive to gay women
  4. Coming home  Q&A <off. to men>
  5. The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 2
  6. A family affair (off. religion)
  7. HOW TO TRAIN A PARROT
  8. Darwin award (gross)
  9. The Bank Robbery (Pun)
 10. 3 wishes
 11. Best Feat Forward

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Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 03:39:25 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Maryland Weather

*   I had finished transplanting a lot of bushes.  The weatherman
  had promised rain all nite and for the entire next day.  When
  it didn't rain at all the following day, I started griping aloud,
  "The weatherman promised it was going to rain today."
    My grandson, JimJr JrJr said, "Maybe God didn't hear him."
                                - - - - -

* Last summer in Howard County we had the worst drought in over one
  hundred years.  A church near us, Shepherd of the Glen, even held
  a special prayer service.  After the opening hymn, Pastor Paul
  looked slowly around at those assembled and said, "I can see not
  many of you have the faith necessary for a service like this --
  not a single soul brought an umbrella."
                                - - - - -

* This year so far we've been getting rain.  Why just last week it
  rained here twice -- once for 3 days and once for 4.
                                - - - - -

* We've also had some serious air pollution.  The other day I opened
  my mouth to yawn and chipped a tooth.
                                - - - - -

* There aren't any birthbaths in my part of Maryland either.  The
  humidity's so bad when the birds fly, it's like going thru a car
  wash.  If they're thirsty, they just open their mouths.
                                - - - - -

* Last month had a tornado.  It hit 2 dairy farms & a strawberry farm.
  Thankfully, there wasn't much damage, and the malteds were great !
                                - - - - -

* And the thunderstorms have been something else here.  I was wondering
  the other nite how they measured hail before golf balls were invented.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 07:01:48 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple of Smiles

 Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm
 based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants
 having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the
 Department manager.

 Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
 The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but
 we've decided to give the American the job"
 Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions
          correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the
           job!"
 Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on
           the question you missed."
 Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the
          other?"
 Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question # 5, "I don't
           know".
 You put down "Neither do I ".


 Cynic's Approach to Love
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 If you love something, set it free.
 If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
 If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
 If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your
 food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you
 actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave
 birth to it!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 07:36:52 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Offensive to gay women

Do you know the difference between a whale and a Lesbian?

About 50 pounds of flannel shirt.........

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 14:55:09 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Coming home  Q&A <off. to men>

Q. Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you
   love, affection,  tenderness and understanding?

A. It means you're in the wrong house.

(By Geoff Kane)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 10:21:36 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 2

The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 2
Richard Lederer,  St. Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United 
tates, from eight grade through college level.  Read carefully, and you
will learn a lot.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law
into their own hands.

There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.

When they fought the Parisians,  the Greeks were outnumbered because the
Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks.  History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long.

At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March killed
him because they thought he was going to be made king.

Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and
the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally, the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through
an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him
the father of the Renaissance.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the
Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery.

Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
"hurrah."  Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 16:14:37 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: A family affair (off. religion)


Jesus came upon a women being stoned by a mob.  Running up to the women
to protect her, he yells, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

A moment of silence follows.. when out of the crowd a rock is thrown, and
hits Jesus on the side of the head.

Jesus falls to the ground, grabs his head and yells, "Damn it mother, I
wish you'd just stay out of this."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 09:19:44 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: HOW TO TRAIN A PARROT

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with
a very bad attitude and a worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an
expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite
words, playing soft music...anything he could think of.

Nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse.  He
shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a
moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few
moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and
then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he
might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm
sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask
your  forgiveness.  I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about
to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what
the chicken did?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 17:04:22 +0000
From:    Ken Keller <rkeller@COM1.MED.USF.EDU>
Subject: Darwin award (gross)

Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards - an award generally given
      out posthumously for the most stupid way to die.

      A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was hoping to
core big with his date on a Friday night. To put the girl in
the  mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which
overlooks the city of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll
where they could ee the city lights. Overcum by the romantic
locale, she succumbed to his  pleas and they stripped down, made
a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love.

      The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of
thunder inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first
few flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the
charred remains of once  great trees. Their idyllic clearing was
a hotbed of electrical  activity during the warm desert nights.
With a blinding light, a bolt  of lightning struck the high point
on the knoll, which happened to be  the pre-med student's ass,
and sought the path of least resistance ---  straight down!
Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain.
      The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so
that the lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs.
The girl,  unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning strike!
When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his
girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion
caused him to jerk away from her, which of course, he couldn't!
A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face
and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and repeated
vomiting until he finally passed out. Attracted by the smell of
"food," a bear found its way to the Siamese lovers and began to
lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the dead girl's
face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was
little he could do but lay there silently in  fear.  To his
horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and
started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones only
inches from his ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping the
back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on. Around
mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend
camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's
car was parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three
screaming girls  discovered the student, who had regained
consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag
himself and the  partially-eaten girl about 20-feet. Doctors managed
to "successfully" separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy
looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state. The
first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student was
unable---and unwilling---to  achieve an erection. Future surgeries
may produce a reasonably  functioning penis, but the student's
family jewels,  referred to by   the doctors as the "scrotum
mass," are irreparable.

      Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won
      posthumously, we think this guy deserves consideration since he
      successfully removed  himself from the gene pool.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 20:00:47 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Bank Robbery (Pun)

One of General Motor's employees decided to get away from the
picket lines and take a holiday in France. He saw that the local
bank's armoured truck was being robbed. He reached for his gun and
began shooting at the robbers. Sad to report his only hit was to
mortally wound Dannette's medical examiner. The headlines read, . . .
"Striker fired a shot past the gold keeper into the coroner of
Dannette." (From Norm Gilbert)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 19:11:41 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: 3 wishes

A Man is walking down the beach and sees a old bottle in the sand
and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a
while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie merges.

She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you
SOB, I am going to grant only 1."

He thinks a minute and says "OK, I want to wake up with 3
women in my bed."

She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding
and Hillary  Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no
health insurance.

Steven

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 20:04:39 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Best Feat Forward

BEST FEAT FORWARD

We had just returned from an exhausting vacation to the United Kingdom.
As we stood in the airport surrounded by friends, my wife summarized the
trip:  "We saw castles and palaces, and got passels of calluses."

Jack A. Batten

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End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Jun 1998 to 1 Jul 1998
***********************************************

