HUMOR Digest - 29 Jun 1998 to 30 Jun 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 456 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The New Car (Pun)
  2. College Daze
  3. Things you never hear in Church <off. to the religious>
  4. You don't know Jack... (adult)
  5. Sandal Shopping <adult>
  6. Bumper Sticker Philosophy & Hello General
  7. The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 1
  8. Camping out
  9. Red Indians (Adult)
 10. Seinfeld on Retirement
 11. Adroit comments & questions about contemporary life
 12. M & Ms <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Jun 1998 23:49:41 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The New Car (Pun)

Did you here that Chevy and Toyota will be working together to build a
car at the old Chevette factory? The new sportscar will feature bucket
seats and automatic wipers. It will be called . . . the Toy-a-let.
(By Dave White)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Jun 1998 03:34:23 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: College Daze

* A student enters his dorm room and finds a note on his bed from
  his roommate: "If I'm studying when you get back, please wake me."
                                - - - - -

* Ya know, it's a wonder some of these "professional students"
  don't have ivy growing up their legs by the time they graduate.
                                - - - - -

* Even in my day at the Univ of Maryland, people always stressed
  a balanced diet.  In the tradition of all the other engineering
  students, I always made sure that I had a beer in each hand.
                                - - - - -

* Lots of parents saw their kids graduate this year.  I offered
  one neighbor my congratulations on his son's finally finishing
  college.  He said, "Yeah, and not a dollar too soon either."
                                - - - - -

* It was one of those proper mid-western colleges.  All they gave
  their basketball players was room and board, plus $2,700.00 a
  week towards their books.
                                - - - - -

*   It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over
  the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University
  Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing."
    Twenty minutes later another announcement: "Will the twelve
  hundred students who went to move 26 cars return to class."
                                - - - - -

* A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych major
  then switched to English Lit.  After that, she tried pre-law,
  which was followed by international affairs, history, and at
  present, she's in philosophy.  She may never graduate, but
  she's unbeatable at the game called Trivial Pursuit.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Jun 1998 12:19:41 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Things you never hear in Church <off. to the religious>

Attribution:  Posted on <KittysDailyMews>

10. Hey!  It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!

 9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went
    over time 25 by minutes.

 8. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
 
 7. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used
    to send to TV evangelists.

 6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High
    Sunday School class.

 5. Forget the denominational minimum salary:  let's pay our
    pastor so he can live like we do.

 4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

 3. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!

 2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

	... And the number one thing never heard in Church:

 1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
    like our annual stewardship campaign!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Jun 1998 07:03:15 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: You don't know Jack... (adult)

          Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed.

 Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't
 know Jack Schitt". Now you can handle the situation.

 Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.  Awe Schitt, the
 fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt Inc.

 In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple
 produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip
 Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

 After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married
 Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to
 keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

 Dip Schitt maried Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken
 Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable through childhood
 and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

 The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the
 prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his
 new bride, Pisa Schitt.

 Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Jun 1998 11:56:06 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Sandal Shopping <adult>

This married couple is on holiday in Pakistan.  They're touring around
the market place looking at the goods and such, when they pass this small
sandal shop. From inside they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent
say "I welcome you, foreigners! Come in, come in to my humble shop.
Salam a leekem!" (hello in english)

So the married couple walks in. The Pakistani man says to them "I have
some special sandals I think you'd be interested in.  They make you wild
at sex like a great desert camel."

The wife after hearing this is really interested in buying the sandals,
but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the sex god that
he is.  So the husband says to the Pakistani, "How could sandals make you
into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani replies "Just try them on." The husband, after much badgering
from his wife, finally concedes to try them on. As he does, he gets this
wild look in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years; raw
sexual power. In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani man,
throws him on a table and starts tearing at the guys pants.

All the time the Pakistani man is screaming "Stop, stop! You've got them
on the wrong feet!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Jun 1998 10:55:54 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Bumper Sticker Philosophy & Hello General

BUMPER STICKER PHILOSOPHY  (some new and some old!)

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at
the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates
that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else
decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously.  Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better
attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
			----------------------

HELLO GENERAL

This story is from one of Bill Hybel's books.

A newly promoted colonel had moved into a makeshift office during the
Gulf War. He was just getting unpacked when out of the corner of his
eye, he noticed a private with a toolbox coming his way.

Wanting to seem important, he grabbed the phone: "Yes, General
Schwarzkopf.  Of course, I think that's an excellent plan." He
continued: "You've got my support on it. Thanks for checking with me.
Let's touch base again soon, Norm. Good-bye."

"And what can I do for you?" he asked the private.

"Uhhh, I'm just here to hook up your phone."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Jun 1998 14:50:13 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 1

The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 1
Richard Lederer,  St. Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I
have pasted together the following history of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States, from eight grade through college level.  Read carefully, and
you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert
are cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube.  The Pyramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of
their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked Abraham
to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Is sac, stole his
brother's birthmark.  Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve
sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A
myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped
him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles appears in
"The Illiad", by Homer.  Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope
was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually, Homer
was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Jun 1998 19:08:20 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Camping out

Three people were having their first Camp out experience, as fate would
have it each was a different nationality, German, French and A Chinese.
The German pretty much took charge, and planned with the other two what
each should do to insure a successful outing. I'll Collect wood, "you
setup the camp," pointing to the French man and, and to the China man
told him his duty was to take care of the supplies.

Later that evening, the wood was collected, the camp was all setup, and
the two men were very hungry and wondering what the heck had happened to
the China man. Pretty soon a bag near-by started to shake catching their
attention, when all of a sudden the china man jumps out of the bag yelling
Supplies!, Supplies!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Jun 1998 00:10:55 +0300
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Red Indians (Adult)

A young American Indian goes up to his father Wild Wind and asks him,
Father, why is my sister called Riding Horse?" "Because, my son, she was
conceived while we were riding a horse. "The boy considers this for a
moment and then asks "Father, why is my brother called Fearless Snake?"
"Because he was conceived just after your mother and I had stopped
running from an angry snake, my son." The boy's father looks at him
curiously and eventually asks, "But why all these questions, Broken
Condom?"


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Jun 1998 19:17:20 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Seinfeld on Retirement

"My parents live in Florida now.  They moved there last year.  They didn't
want to move to Florida, but, they're in their seventies and that's the law.
You know how it works, they got the leisure police.  They pull up in front of
the old people's house with a golf cart, jump out.  'Let's go, Pop.  White
belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back.  Drip the snow shovel right
there.  Drop it!'"


* "I plan to live forever or die trying."
                           -Spider Robinson

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Jun 1998 21:29:35 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Adroit comments & questions about contemporary life

To my knowledge no one has created a cooperation pill to go along with
Viagra.

Okay now, where was Animal House on that list of the 100 Greatest
American movies?

I got pulled over by a dyslexic police officer last night who gave me
an IUD.

Can you imagine what a peaceful world this would be if everybody
minded their own business and quit trying to shove their beliefs down
other people's throats?

If I overdose on Viagra, can I get arrest for Viagrancy?

Organized religion cannot be compared to restaurants. All restaurants
serve something edible. Organized religion only serve those who are
gullible.

The Democratic Party: A wholly owned subsidiary of communist China.

I just hate it when people keep reiterating repetitive redundancies.

The Republican Party: A wholly owned subsidiary of Philip Morris.

Submission does NOT mean abuse. It means "to come under the protection
of a servant-leader." Now, what woman wouldn't want that?

With the Japanese economy is such a serious mess, do you think there's
a chance they would sell Hawaii back to us?

Source: Atlanta Journal-Constitution's "The Vent"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Jun 1998 18:54:22 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: M & Ms <clean>

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species.  To this end, I  hold
M&M duels.  Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters.
That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.  The winner
gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the
newer blue ones are genetically inferior.  I have hypothesized that the
blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I
will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter
than the rest.  Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very
rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.  In this way, the species
continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I
am left with one M&M, the strongest of  the herd.

Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in
an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading,  "Please
use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me,
and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms.  I consider
this "grant money."  I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.
From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Jun 1998 to 30 Jun 1998
************************************************

