HUMOR Digest - 28 Jun 1998 to 29 Jun 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 452 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. The Drunk (Pun)
  3. Black and White
  4. Hymnology
  5. insurance
  6. Funeral for a Dog
  7. Advice To Women
  8. Job Interview

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Date:    Sun, 28 Jun 1998 02:15:29 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report

Good Morning y'all, here I am again with this week's Traffic
Report.  This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to
all of the HumorList subscribers once a month.

First, a special thanks to one of our members, Doug Harter
<harter@pader.gov> and <djharter@aol.com> for his efforts
in extracting all of the 1997-1998 subject headings in the
zipped Digests.  Because of his work, we now have an index
to the archives.  He has set up a link to my site where the
Digests are stored  <www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293>

Each link goes to a page which is a daily list of the titles
of the postings to the Humor List for that month. If you can
remember something in the Subject of the posting, and around
when it was, go to the page for the months around then & use
the FIND command of your browser to search for it. The date
will link to the .ZIP file on my GeoCities Page (URL above)
which has the postings for that date.

This should make searching for any particular joke a LOT easier.
Those instructions are repeated at the site.  Again, we all owe
Doug a hearty "Thanks" for a good job; even more so, since he
"volunteered" for the task.

Second, all contributors please remember that you are actually
on two separate lists in the ListServer.  Should you decide to
leave (although I can't imagine why) make sure you remove your
name from BOTH lists (Humor and Humor-p).  The instructions
are always in these reports under "A few of the more widely
used commands".  If you forget to remove your name from the
Humor-p list, you'll still receive these cheery lil' reports
automatically from me each week.

                                        JimJr
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           Traffic Report for HUMOR, 21 June 1998 - 27 June 1998

                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week

 21  Sunday            8        9       11       13        8
 22  Monday           13       11       12       17       11
 23  Tuesday           8       17       15       18 *     10
 24  Wednesday        13       11       15       16       13
 25  Thursday         17       18       15       17       16
 26  Friday           12       12       12       16       15
 27  Saturday         15       10        7        7        9

   (Average)          12       13       12       15       12

Subscriptions     10,290    8,328    8,222    8,120    8,107
Countries            100      106      106      106      106
Contributors         851      675      657      634      633

* Note: Two Digests were sent-out on June 16th

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.

       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium,
Belize, Bermuda, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei, Bulgaria, Canada,
Chile,  China,  Colombia,  Cook Islands,  Costa Rica,  Croatia, Cuba,
Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,  Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt,
El Salvador, England, Estonia,  Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji,
Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong,
Hungary,  Iceland,  India,  Indonesia,  Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy,
Jamaica,  Japan,  Jordan,  Kazakhstan,  Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia,
Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius,
Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand,
Northern Ireland,  Norway, Pakistan, Panama, Peru, Philippines, Poland,
Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore,
Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden,
Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Tanzania, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey,
Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Wales,
Zambia, Zimbabwe

Total countries: 106

           Email me if your country is not listed here.
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HUMOR GOALS

A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning requirement)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version)

Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive

One contribution per day

Please cite source or copyright (if known) where applicable

Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted
Discussion, responses, and criticisms are not to be posted
No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions
Comments, witty retorts (etc) go to the poster, not the List
Questions/Requests are not appropriate postings

Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max)

Avoid unnecessary blank lines; No ASCII art or graphics

Signature files added by an e-mail service are unavoidable;
sig files added by the poster, unless dealing directly with
humor & provided for information, are unnecessary

Promoting non-Humor URLs is not consistent with a Humor List

Soliciting subscribers for another Humor List must be approved
in advance, and a reciprocal agreement arranged

Any and all forms of advertising/promotion are strictly prohibited

        A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
To Subscribe to the Humor List:

Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter,
type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A few of the more widely used commands:

Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type:

   GET HUMOR GUIDE           to become a contributor
   QUERY HUMOR               to check your settings
   SIGNOFF HUMOR             to leave the main list
   SIGNOFF HUMOR-P           to leave the contributor's list
   SET HUMOR NOMAIL          to stop all mail for a temporary period

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Archived Files: [original text compressed to zip format]

A complete set of the UGA Humor Digests for 1997-1998,
with the original Subject indexes for easy searching:
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

Last month's UGA Humor Digests may also be downloaded from:
     http://www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And now for a contribution of humor:

Once upon a time there was a mighty lion who feasted on a bull.
The lion felt so good, he roared and roared for quite some time.
A hunter heard him and killed the lion with one shot.

Moral:  When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut !


                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 27 Jun 1998 23:44:10 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Drunk (Pun)

A drunk who had been indulging fairly steadily staggered into a funeral
parlor. "I need a stiff drink."  he said. When the undertaker explained where
he was, the imbiber said, . . .  "In that case, I'll have a bier."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Jun 1998 08:22:54 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Black and White

(dom't know if this is true or not)

A white lady on business arrived in LA in the heat of the rioting.  She
was very nervous and distressed about her safety and the danger she felt
lurked around every corner.  After checking in at the front desk she
headed to the elevator.

Upon arriving at the elevator there were already three black men on it.
She quickly debated with herself about the situation.  "This is
ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men, here in the middle of
a reputable hotel.  Ok, no problem, I'm going to ride this elevator,
etc...."

She then stepped into the elevator and quickly turned her back on the
three men and faced the door.  Shortly after the door closed, she heard
one of the men say, "Hit the floor, lady."

She immediately dropped to her stomach in terror.  Upon her quick dive
for the floor the 3 men broke out hysterically in laughter.  The man
after all, had simply meant for her to select the floor she wished to go
to. She was terribly shaken and embarrassed about the whole thing, but
tried to shake it off as she had several days of business to attend to.

At the end of her stay she went to check out of the hotel and pay for
her room.  To her confusion the clerk informed her that her room had
been taken care of.  He then handed her a note and explained that it
had been left by the person who had picked up the tab for the room.

And the note said :"Thanks for the best laugh I've ever had in an
elevator!"
                   ...Eddie Murphy

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Jun 1998 08:54:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Hymnology

From: John Kazee

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the
outskirts of town.  He had no family and only a few meager possessions;
a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog.  He used the
tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough
to get food for the next day.

Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these
jobs would bring in.  The dog was just a normal hound, with one
exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace
loved it.  When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the
yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

On bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed
into town to work.  He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes
there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough
for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money
carefully.

He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips.
Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for
his wrench.

To his surprise, he didn't feel it.  He dug around again, but there
didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its
contents on the floor, but still no wrench.

Reality set in.  Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and
without pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone
tomorrow.

When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired
him what the situation was.  While she sympathized with his situation,
the job needed to be done.  If the old man couldn't do it, she would
have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and
shoulders stooped.  The whistle was gone and no longer was there a
spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last
forever.

But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the
distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.  When the dog saw his
master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he
was to see him.

Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through
tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and
no food tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench,he had
no idea what the future held.  It was the loneliest,most helpless
feeling he ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass.  As the old
man went overto see what this shining material was, his despair turned
in an instant to joy!  It was the wrench!  The old man had dropped it on
his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace
not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!

The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him,
and ran into the house.  Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only
piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine
companion.

Few people have ever heard these words....until now, that is.

One man who did happen toread them changed them a bit and has his named
recorded in music history.

The old man never did get the credit he deserved.  But now you are
privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."


---
GEEK: Was a Four Letter Word, Now It's A 6 Figure One.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Jun 1998 18:40:06 0
From:    Alan Campbell <alanc@MISTRAL.CO.UK>
Subject: insurance

Ad in this Saturday's "Guardian":
Legal & General are now offering life cover with a no-claims bonus.


*It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
 It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
                       -  J. Danforth Quayle

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Date:    Sun, 28 Jun 1998 14:48:11 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Funeral for a Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog
he doted on.  The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked,  "Father, the dog is dead. Could you please say a mass for the
creature?"

Father Patrick replied,  "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the
church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they
believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate
for their services?"

Immediately, Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic?"


* "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.
   The sinners are much more fun."         -Billy Joel

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Jun 1998 15:58:55 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Advice To Women

Advice To Women From Men
------------------------
- Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
- If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean
  we're not watching it.
- Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
- Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during
  commercials.
- Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories
  are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punch line.
- The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave, he's just
  not crying. Big difference.
- When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
- What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
- The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility.  It will be slightly
  to moderately cooler than you want it.
- SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour.  This is an excellent
  time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
- If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
- Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going
  out to dinner.
- You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
- Silence does not need to be filled.
- It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
- No, you can't have the remote control.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Jun 1998 15:14:58 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Job Interview

   A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must
be good with a computer & must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity
Employer."  A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw
the sign & went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it & whined. Getting the idea, the
receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog
and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined,
so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and
stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says
you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a
perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned,
but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and
said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog & have some interesting
abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager
said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog
looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Jun 1998 to 29 Jun 1998
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