HUMOR Digest - 27 Jun 1998 to 28 Jun 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 379 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Female Logic
  2. Typing Test <sexual content>
  3. Chocolate Humor
  4. Obituary
  5. May-December marriiage <adult>
  6. Ironic comments & questions about contemporary life
  7. Lucky Dwarfs (Off to Dwarfs)
  8. FDA Spokesperson?????????
  9. Official Hit-and-Run Points Chart

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Date:    Sat, 27 Jun 1998 04:05:21 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Female Logic

*   The Supervisor was berating a key punch operator over her lack
  of output.  "...And look at Tina, working right next to you, she
  has triple your keystrokes."
    "I know, I know !" replied Sheryl, "I've been telling her to
  slow down for weeks now."
                                - - - - -

*   The new Marine recruit was awakened roughly by her platoon
  Sergeant after the rookie's first night in the barracks.
    "It's four-thirty !" roared the Sergeant.
    "Four-thirty ?!?!?" gasped the recruit.  "You'd better go
  to bed.  We've got a big day tomorrow."
                                - - - - -

* The newly rich Yuppette was going thru her "culture" routine
  and was standing in front on an oil painting of a ragged but
  happy vagabond.  "Go figure." she said aloud. "Too broke to
  buy himself any decent clothes but he spends Lord knows how
  much to have his portrait painted."
                                - - - - -

*   Two Yuppettes were lamenting the death of a friend who had
  died the day before.  "I understand," observed one, "that
  Dinah left very few effects."
    "Figures..." replied the second, "she had very few causes."
                                - - - - -

*   The college graduate was listing her "experience" during a job
  interview. "I was also the recording secretary of the chess club."
    "I see." said the personnel officer. "And as such, exactly what
  were your duties."
    "I read the hours of the last meeting."
                                - - - - -

*   "I resent that remark." said the blonde as she rose from the
  cafeteria table.  "I'll give you 5 seconds to take that back."
    "Oh yeah ?" snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing
  was head and shoulders above the blonde. "Suppose I don't take
  it back in five seconds ?"
    "Well..." stammered the blonde, "how much time do you need ?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 27 Jun 1998 09:47:38 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Typing Test <sexual content>

JimJr's contribution about the slow typist reminded me of this one from 40
years ago:

A woman goes to an office to apply for the typist's job, and the
manager is interviewing her:

"How fast can you type?"
        "Well, I'm not sure, but I really need this job."
"Well, can you type 80 words a minute?"
        "No, sir, I don't think so, but I really need this job."
"Perhaps, then, you can type 60 words a minute?"
        "Maybe not quite that fast, but I really need this job."
"Ma'am, can you type 40 words a minute?"
        "No, sir, that may be a little too fast, but I really need this job."
"Tell me, please if you can type 20 words a minute."
        "I'm not really so sure, but but I really need this job."
"Oh, I see," said the interviewer, "you're just a hunt-n-pecker."
        "Sir," she said, pulling herself up to show her full dignity,
        "I am not huntin' anything. I TOLD you I REALLY need this job!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 27 Jun 1998 09:09:48 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Chocolate Humor

 In the beginning was The Word, and The Word was Chocolate.
 And The Word became flesh, and dwelt upon us forever.
 -Confections 1oz:360cal

 Or, as Rhoda said, "I don't know why I bother to put this
 in my mouth. I should just apply it directly on my hips."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 27 Jun 1998 11:04:42 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Obituary


A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for
her recently deceased husband is written.  The obit editor informs her
that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.  She pauses, reflects
and then says, "Well then, let it read 'Fred Brown died.'"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word
minimum for all obituaries.  Only a little flustered, she thinks things
over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown
died: 1993 Pick-up for sale.'"


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Sat, 27 Jun 1998 15:00:38 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: May-December marriiage <adult>

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her
new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night
they should have separate suites.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the
knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for
action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon
he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the
night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the
old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she
consents to further coupling which is again successful after
which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close
to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the
door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in
afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed
that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times.
I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good
for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says,
"Was I already here?


* "Kick your own ass. The universe neither cares about you nor
   recognizes any obligation to you... you must outwit it at
   every poor turn. "              -- Romana Machado

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 27 Jun 1998 15:34:29 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ironic comments & questions about contemporary life

Clinton's election and re-election tells me that we need to take away
women's right to vote.

It appears that some Republicans don't believe in democracy.

I am confused. Are books exempt from the outdoor buring ban in
Gwinnett County, Georgia (Note: Gwinnett is a county noted for its
right wing Christian Republican politics).

In Newt's pretend world where PCs replace books, children won't do
book reports but rather vision statements aimed at achieving synergy
across all technology platforms within the mission critical funcitons
of their quality vectors.

Atlanta's nominee for the new state tree: the Clearcut Pine.

You know you're no longer a kid when your best friend is dating
someone half their age ... and isn't breaking any laws.

I saw a car on the interstate with a bumper sticker that read "Stop
Global Whining!" The irony is that this driver was giving someone the
finger for cutting in front of him.

"Gone With the Wind" is coming back to theaters. Frankly, Scarlett,
I'm tired of that flick.

Complete this sentence please: "Not one single gun made can pull its
own trigger, therefore ...."

Now that we have witnessed the live birth a child on the internet,
can the conception be far behind?

Why are Democrats so supportive of education when the more educated
people are, the more likely they are to vote Republican?

Blame most of these on the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's the Vent.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 12:59:30 +0300
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Lucky Dwarfs (Off to Dwarfs)

Two dwarfs won the lottery and booked into a swank motel for a night of
fun.  They were down the lobby getting sloshed when a couple of
prostitutes walked in and asked them if they wanted some action.
"Sure do!" one proclaimed as they made their way up to the rooms.
"See ya in the morning mate" the first dwarf said to the other as he put
his arm around one of the prostitutes and went into his room.  But after
about 30 minutes the first dwarf realized he couldn't even get an
erection so he paid the prostitute and lay in his bed.  He could hear
his mate going "One, two three, gnnfff!  One, two, three, unerrrgh!"
"Lucky bastard" he thought to himself as he dozed off.  The next morning
they met downstairs when the second dwarf said to the first "How'd last
night go?"  To which he replied "No good, mate... Couldn't get an
erection."  "You think that's bad?" the second replied, "I couldn't even
get onto the fucking bed!"


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/

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Date:    Sun, 28 Jun 1998 01:29:57 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: FDA Spokesperson?????????

News Item: The Food and Drug Administration's spokesperson on
inquiries about the new anti-impotence pill Viagra is Janet Woodcock.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 27 Jun 1998 00:01:21 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Official Hit-and-Run Points Chart

Hit-n-Run Points Chart
For All Drivers

Small furry rodent            10 pts
Small mammal                  25 pts
Large mammal                  75 pts
Bird-any size                 15 pts...bonus 50 pts if airborne
Small child                  100 pts...bonus 50 pts if on trike
Large child                  150 pts...bonus 50 pts if on bike
High School student          200 pts...bonus 100 pts on skateboard
College student              300 pts...bonus 200 pts if drunk
                                 [sober students are much harder to
                                  hit, though! - Todd]
Anyone on roller blades      300 pts...bonus 50 pts if on sidewalk
Pedestrian                    50 pts...bonus 25 pts if holding
                                 object/child
Jogger/runner                 25 pts...bonus 10 pts if w/walkman
Famous person                200 pts...bonus 100 pts if w/security
Officer directing traffic    150 pts
Student Security Assistant   250 pts
Resident Assistant           500 pts
Construction worker          100 pts
Snow bank                     50 pts...bonus 50 pts if covering
                                 hard object
Any stationary object        100 pts...bonus 50 pts if object
                                 jumps out at you
Any building                 200 pts...bonus 200 pts if fast
                                 food restaurant
Entering building with car  2000 pts...bonus 200 pts for each
                                 occupant in car
Any President               2000 pts
Kid Idiot (Police Cadet)     150 pts...bonus 100 pts if directing
                                 traffic
Airplane                    1500 pts
Boat                        1500 pts
Elvis                       2500 pts
any other "dead" person     1000 pts
any other moving vechicle    100 pts
anything on wheels           150 pts
anything not on this list    150 pts
Creator of this list        1500 pts...bonus 100 pts if armed

Bonus Points
Person lands on feet                  75 pts
Person still posseses object         100 pts
Blonde People                         50 pts
Vehicle does not recieve damage     100 pts
No blood on vehicle                  200 pts
Larger vehicle                      -150 pts
Speed trap                          -100 pts + citation
citation                             - 1 pt per dollar
police vehicle                     -1000 pts

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Jun 1998 to 28 Jun 1998
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