HUMOR Digest - 26 Jun 1998 to 27 Jun 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 655 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Women of the 90's <adult humor>
  2. Humor:offensive to women, crude
  3. FW: How Many???
  4. Extreme Bumper Stickers
  5. Acrimonious comments & questions about contemporary life
  6. Homorous Stories & Jokes
  7. Tech Support Calls & Other Weird Things
  8. Let me show you... (Clean, slightly ethnic)
  9. Grand Teton's <adult>
 10. A Pork Fable <possibly offensive to Italians>
 11. WOMB! was "true story" (flatulent humor)
 12. Been on the Internet too long?
 13. REVISED Toddler Property Laws
 14. Let Me Show You
 15. The Most Bizarre Suicide Ever

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 03:11:07 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Women of the 90's <adult humor>

* As sharp as women have become today, a husband trying to pull
  the wool over his wife's eyes better have some damn good yarn.
                                - - - - -

* The old tradition of women "suffering in silence" hasn't changed
  much; only trouble is, these days they suffer louder than ever.
                                - - - - -

* I think I may be onto something here.  Perhaps an underlying
  factor in Lesbianism is that a woman can now become the man
  she always wanted as a husband.
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of Lesbians (I was) a friend of mine discovered that
  his wife had become one.  I asked what he was going to do now.
  "Nothing !" he replied, "Why should I ?  I'm just crazy about
  the girl she's going out with."
                                - - - - -

*   A Yuppette told her shrink, "Doctor, you've got to help me.
  I'm always talking to myself."
    "Now Jody," he replied, "that's not too serious, lots of
  people these days talk to themselves."
    "Yes... Yes..." she whined, "but I'm such a bore."
                                - - - - -

*   In preparation for the Arts Festival in Columbia Maryland, a
  group of Yuppettes was screening the talent at a luncheon.  One
  tenor sang an aria, and the ladies roared, "Again !  Again !!!"
    He complied, only to hear the same chorus of "Again's" from
  the audience.  "Ladies," he said, "I'm flattered beyond words,
  but I'm not able to sing the entire aria a third time."
    One Yuppette stood up and said, "Oh yes you will. And you're
  going to keep singing it until you get it right."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 08:30:49 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:offensive to women, crude

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?........

Nothing.....someone has already told her twice.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 15:06:29 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: How Many???

 Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

 A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and an unknown
    number of hares.

 You see it all comes down to how you look at things.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 09:37:50 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Extreme Bumper Stickers

Here's a Pittsburgh one first...

Blitzburgh (n.) - A drinking town with a football problem.

Extreme Bumper Stickers:

- God is my CO- pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
- I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.
- I wasn't born a bitch.  Men like you made me this way.
- Keep honking while I reload.
- Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
- Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
- Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
- Support Cannibalism -  EAT ME!
- 5 days a week my body is a temple.  The other two, it's an amusement park.
- EARTH FIRST!  We'll strip mine the other planets later.
- Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
- If you drink, don't park.  Accidents cause people.
- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
- Just say no! to sex with pro- lifers.
- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
- Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask an Indian!
- If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
- Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re- elect them!


* "Premenstrual Syndrome:  Just before their periods women behave
   the way men do all the time."
   					-Robert Heinlein

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 13:07:59 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Acrimonious comments & questions about contemporary life

A Wall Street executive donated $1 million to buy Viagra for the
poor. Now that's exactly what the poor need, isn't it?

It's really nice having a young kid. I hold him in front of me when I
go out to get the paper in the morning and I don't get any spider
webs on me.

Hey, don't be so hard on people who use their change from food stamps
for beer and cigarettes. Without my change, I would have to get a
job.

High school is difficult. You have four years to find out who you
are, pass all of your classes and not get caught having fun.

Say a miracle happened and Congressman Bob "Impeach Clinton just
because I don't like him" Barr ran for president and somehow talked
former Senator Sam "I'm a military expert" Nunn into being his
running mate. They could say they were the best, "Barr-Nunn."

"Yes, I'll give blood," doesn't motivate me to sign the blood drive
sheet. Maybe better wording would be: "Yes, I'll attend your free
cookies and Coke party (and I'll give a little blood while I'm
there)."

I believe that Newt's proclamation that personal computers will
replace textbooks in the next five years was his way of announcing to
the world that he had successfully logged on to the Internet for the
very first time.

I go out to bars to meet women. Then I don't call them because I met
them in a bar.

I like my job! Its the work I hate!!

I'm about to graduate, so all you companies can start your bidding.

I think my new hobby is interviewing for jobs. I love the look on
their face when I tell them I'm interviewing for their position.


Source: http:://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 10:18:25 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Homorous Stories & Jokes

~~~~PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE~~~~
Hello.   Welcome to the Psychiatric hot line.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities press 3,4,5, & 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want,
just stay on the line until we trace you.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
		------------------------------------

~~~~THE VET~~~~
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for
help.  The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put
his dog down on the examination table.  The vent examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a
second opinion.  The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a
cat and puts the cat down next to the dogs body.  The cat sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and
finally looks at the vet and meows.  The vet looks at the man and
says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the fate of his dog, thanks the vet and
asks how much he owes.  The vet answer, "$350."

"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would have only charged you $50 for my
initial diagnosis.  The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
		-----------------------------------

NINE SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS LEARNED YOUR INTERNET PASSWORD

9. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
      <<alt.recreational.catnap>>.
6. Your web browser has a new home page:
      <http://www.feline.com/>.
5. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
4. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of
      "CyberDog."
3. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
2. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and

	And the #1 sign that your cat has learned your internet password

1. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 14:11:13 EDT
From:    Eric Barr <EricBarr@AOL.COM>
Subject: Tech Support Calls & Other Weird Things

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."  The woman then
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point...
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working just fine."
			***************************

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she
downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
			***************************

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
			***************************

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
			***************************

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back
to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
			***************************

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me onto this diskette?"
			***************************

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this:
Customer: "Hi... Is this the Internet?"

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."
			***************************

Customer: "So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh... yeah."
			***************************

Tech Support: "All right... now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons -
I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to..."
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms.' I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well... why don't you click on the 'little picture' of
a file cabinet... is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
			***************************

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..."
Tech Support: "All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed!"
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed the
spaceship, and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"


http://members.aol.com/ericbarr/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 18:21:43 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Let me show you... (Clean, slightly ethnic)

You need a UPC code, This can be something you have prepared (framed in a
special area in your wallet).  or one laying around.

  a UPC Code looks like this : ||II|I||lIl||

The basics of the joke follow, build your scenario as required.

In a serious nature bring up that you are supporting an Ethiopian child.
Sending monies to him each month.  Everybody seems to look at you with a
new light, claiming that's a darn nice thing your doing - or similar.

Ya, Ya you chant while pulling out your UPC code, "Here I have a picture
of him" as you hand the code to your audience, "He's the second from the
left."

I got this back in response:

TOM KAN PA;  8 Dec 1997

Years ago, I had a similar visual joke. There were two cleaning products
on the market, Pride and Joy. Joy is still sold, probably the most popular
dishwashing liquid, Pride, I don't know about.
Anyhow, I had a color photo of them, wallet sized , that I carried.
Whenever people would talk about their kids, I'd ask them, "Hey, you wanna
see a picture of my Pride and Joy?" Naturally, they'd say sure (just to be nice), and I'd whip it on them.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 14:09:21 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Grand Teton's <adult>

( from :   "Bert and Ernie's Funny List" )


 (o)(o) 	perfect breasts

( + )( + ) 	fake silicone breasts

 (*)(*)		high nipple breasts

 (@)(@) 	big nipple breasts (you know who you are)

   oo    	a cups

{ O }{ O }  	d cups

  (oYo)  	wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^) 	cold breasts

 (o)(O) 	lopsided breasts

 (Q)(Q) 	pierced breasts
 
 (p)(q) 	breasts w/hanging tassels

 (:o)(o) 	bitten by a vampire breasts

 \o/\o/ 	Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) 	flat against the shower door breasts

 < o < o   	electric shock breasts

 |o||o| 	android breasts
 
 (/)(o) 	scratched breasts

 (%)(o)  	extra nipple breasts

 ($)($) 	Jenny McCarthy's breasts

 (^o)(o) 	zit on your breast

( o Y o ) 	poses for playboy magazine breasts

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 15:29:08 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Pork Fable <possibly offensive to Italians>

Classic story of the 3 little pigs...first pig is in his house of
straw...big bad wolf comes up "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll BLLLOOW
your house down!" The wolf, being a man of his word DOES IT! The first pig
runs to the second pigs house of wood and tells him what happened, and says,
"the wolf is on his way HERE!"

They lock the door....wolf shows up..same crapola...Huffs and Puffs and
BLOWSSSS the house of wood down! The 2 pigs flee to the 3rd pig's big 3
family Bensonhurst brick job with the Madonna in the yard and the whole
thing...they tell him, "the wolf blew down our houses and he is coming here
next!"

"Sit down take a load off," says the 3rd pig. "NO! He's coming! GET OUT
OF HERE!!" they scream. "Relax," says #3, "lemme make a call...you guys have
a beer." He picks up the phone and mumbles something..hangs up, sits down,
and turns on the Home shopping club. "Are you nuts?" they say. "LOOK!"  The
first 2 pigs are at the window, terrified. "Here comes the WOLF!!" Just as
the wolf gets to the walk way, a black Lincoln Town Car pulls up, three pigs
in fedoras get out and machine gun the wolf to pieces! The first 2 pigs say,
"Wow! Who are THOSE guys??"

The third pig smiles and says: "Those are the 3 little GUINEA pigs."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 15:33:05 -0400
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: WOMB! was "true story" (flatulent humor)

Steven & Susan's "true story" inspired me to dredge up this ancient National
Lampoon True Fact:

 A two-ton elephant named Sassy grew fond of chili on the El
 Paso, Texas, ranch where she lived among cows before being sold
 to a circus. However the chili she ate caused tremendous gas
 problems in her digestive tract.

 "I'd notice the next day that the cows would stick to one end of
 the field and Sassy would be all by herself at the other," said
 rancher Antonio Guayabera later. "I always thought someone was
 burning trash, but I finally realized it was Sassy and cut off
 her bean supply."

 Recently however, while performing at a nearby circus, Sassy got
 her trunk into a vat of chili before anyone could stop her. "I
 knew I had to get her out of there," says her trainer, Fritz
 Hildebrand, from his hospital bed, "but I wasn't fast enough. As
 I led her away, the gas attack started. I should have known
 better than to stand so close, but that first blast blew me
 right through the tent and into a trailer parked outside."
 Hildebrand has been hospitalized with fifteen broken bones.

 A number of subsequent elephant farts ripped several holes
 through the big top before Sassy could be led away.

---
 Factoid for the day:

 It's a little known historical fact that Hannibal actually used
 bean-fed elephants as a sort of primitive flame thrower by
 training the beasts to walk backwards and then lighting the
 blasts.


* Womb (n) sound of an elephant farting in a cave

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 15:48:32 -0700
From:    Chris Ryan <cryan@ACCLAIM.COM>
Subject: Been on the Internet too long?

You know you been on the Internet too long when...

 1) Someone ask what's Yahoo Web address and you answer 204.71.200.75
 2) You write in your email address as your new home address in the Post Office
    Change of address form.
 3) You require a separate hard drive for all your bookmarks.
 4) You can't remember your phone number and give out your email address to
    dates.
 5) You were a member of GEine, Compuserve, Delphi, and AOL before
    the web even existed.
 6) You send email using ROT 13
 7) You upgrade the local cybercafe web browser on your own time.
 8) You have a copy of the original "Get Rick Quick" email from 1993
    still in your inbox, unread.
 9) You select an apartment based on the location to the nearest Major Hub.
10) You plan your vacations to Silicon Valley.
11) You do all your Christmas shopping at Netscape's Company store.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 16:33:09 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: REVISED Toddler Property Laws

1.     If I like it, it's mine.
2.     If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3.     If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4.     If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5.     If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6.     If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7.     If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8.     If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9.     If I...

Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws,
I've been typing in Bill Gates primary Business Plan.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 27 Jun 1998 00:20:29 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Re: Let Me Show You

For the edification of those not in the know there are many great gag
photo's and cards.

Along with the photograph of the "Pride and Joy" bottles there is a
photo of two  baby goats, which you pass off as a "Picture of My
Kids" and several others that are a bit risque, but very funny.

My favorite and a true story to go with it is a neat little thing on
heavy plastic stock that looks like a credit card and says, "Major
Credit Card"....the flip side of which says, "Some Other Form of
Identification"

I was getting my son new glasses to go off to college with and was
preparing to write a check in payment when the lady clerk said, "Do
you have a Major Credit Card?" I couldn't resist, and pulled out my
'Major Credit Card and dropped it on the counter in front of her.
She looked at it, and then her eyes came up to mine and she gave me
the raised eyebrow accompanied by, "Do you have some OTHER form of
identification?"

I turned over the "Major Credit Card" and she read the "Some Other
Form of Identification" side and broke out in hysterical laughter. I
did show her my driver's license that she forgot to ask for when she
got laughing so hard.

If you don't find these things in novelty stores, try you local Magic
Shop.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Jun 1998 22:36:10 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Most Bizarre Suicide Ever

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head.  The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to
commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).  As he
fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast through a window, which killed him instantly.  Neither the
shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected
at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that
Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because
of this.

Ordinarily a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately
succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.
That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below
probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to
homicide.  But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been
successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide
on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife.  They were arguing and he
was threatening her with the shotgun.  He was so upset that, when he
pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets
went through the window striking Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.  When confronted
with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that
neither knew that the shotgun was loaded.  The old man said it was
his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded
shotgun.  He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing
of Opus appeared to be an accident.  That is, the gun had been
accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the
fatal incident.  It transpired that the old lady had cut off her
son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his
father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the
expectation that his father would shoot his mother.  The case now
becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald
Opus.

There was an exquisite twist.  Further investigation revealed that
the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the
failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.  This led him
to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by
a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Jun 1998 to 27 Jun 1998
************************************************

