HUMOR Digest - 25 Jun 1998 to 26 Jun 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 619 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Super Bowl
  2. JimJr's Real Life Definitions
  3. Negotiation Skills!! (adult)
  4. Predictions <clean>
  5. Seinfeld on Marriage
  6. <No subject given>
  7. Plumbing Problems? <about toilets)
  8. You might be a school teacher if... <offensive to school teachers, maybe>
  9. Revenge
 10. Gems from Children
 11. Art Exhibition (Offensive)
 12. Clinton in China <Democrats, Chinese>
 13. Thoughts on real-life definitions (off to lawyers)
 14. Engineers
 15. Trains
 16. true story

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 02:24:57 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Super Bowl

This guy gets employee of the year for this big company, and he gets all
excited because they're giving him a ticket to the Superbowl.
So this fella is all excited for the week's end to come.  Finally the big
day arrives and he gets to his seat and realized that they're are
probably the worst seats in the entire stadium.
He's so upset.
Here he is "the company's best employee" and he's gettin a nosebleed
because he's so high in the air.
Then he notices an empty seat right at the 50 yard line and decides,
"Hey, I deserve that seat.  That's a seat for an Employee of the Year."
He gets down there and he asks the guy sitting next to the vacant spot,
"Is anyone sitting there?"
The guy answers no.  So our friend sets himself down in the seat and
remarks,"How could someone give up a seat this beautiful?  I wonder who
this seat belongs to?"
"It belongs to me,"  the other man answers.
"Why do you need two seats?," our friend asks.
"Well, actually,"  He pauses and chokes on his tears,"it was my wifes
seat."
"She didn't show up," our friend asks.
"Actually, she died."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, this is our first Superbowl apart."
He continued,"We've come to every game together."
Our friend asks,"And you didn't have anyone else that you could bring?
No friends, no family?"
"No, they're at the funeral."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 04:41:40 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Real Life Definitions

A friend of mine, Lee Daniel Quinn, "Quinn's Devious Dictionary",
has been trying his hand at writing my style of quickie quips. As
another volley, here's Part 2 of JimJr's Real Life Definitions:
                        =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Library Director - a bureaucrat with a fancy title...  but with
                   little to do; how often do libraries get lost

Marriage - oceans of emotion surrounded by expanses of expenses

Modesty - self-confident feeling that the world already knows;
          or at least, will soon find out everything about you

Obsolescence - what happens to your computer & software after
               you get it set-up & working the way you want

Parable - a heavenly story with no practical earthly meaning

Pessimist - a person who complains about the noise made when
            opportunity knocks

PhD - a degree which causes the bearer to proceed from cocksure
      ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty

Resourceful wife - one who prepares pit bar-b-que for dinner
                   while waiting for the Fire Dept to arrive

Silence - the only part of any conversation which can never be
          misquoted by others

Tension - the price you pay for being a race horse instead of
          a plow horse

Tolerance - allowing idiots to find happiness in their stupidity
            when they wouldn't listen to your own sage advice

Vision - looking farther than anyone else can see

Yawn - opening one's mouth, wishing others would close theirs

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 06:49:45 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Negotiation Skills!! (adult)

 Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following
 conversation ensued:

 First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
             golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will
             paint every room in the house next weekend."

 Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
              her a new deck for the pool."

 Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
             will remodel the kitchen for her."

 They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
 not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what
 you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

 Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes
              off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and ask,
             'Golf Course or Intercourse?' She says, 'Wear your sweater.'

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 13:54:08 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Predictions <clean>

(Selection compiled by Jamie Nash)

"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV,
relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid
for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European
championships. England didn't win a game.

"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before
he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.

"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in
1973.

"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first
showing of The Wizard Of Oz.

"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." -
Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.

"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is
scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin,
1897-9.

"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing
Elvis Presley in 1954.

"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive,
advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.

"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film
company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.

"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." -
Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank
Whittle's plan for the jet engine.

"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World
Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301
cases.

"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada,
1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.

"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in
explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.

"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun,
April 15 1912.

"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.

"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times
editor Rex Lambert, 1936.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the
US Patent Office, 1899.

"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris
in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the
late 1960s.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 10:42:43 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Seinfeld on Marriage

Jerry Seinfeld on weddings...

"Don't get me wrong, the wedding ceremony is a beautiful thing.  The vows, the
costumes.  I think the idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view is
that 'Men are all the same, we might as well dress them that way.'

"That's why, to me, a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful,
glowing bride, and some guy.  The tuxedo is a wedding safety devise, created
by women because they know that men are undependable.  So in case the groom
chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next
guy.

"That's why the wedding vow isn't, 'Do you take Bill Simpson?'
Its, 'Do you take this man?'"


* "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
   & it's our job to stomp on them & keep them in the dark until
   they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 11:39:16 -0400
From:    "Paul J. Grabarz" <pauljg@WISI.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 11:45:53 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Plumbing Problems? <about toilets)

Plumbing Problems?  Call RENT-A-JOHN.  We have all types of portable johns
to help solve your waste disposal crisis.

Eight Comfortable Models to Select From:

1.      Dear John               (the double seater)
2.      Head of the Class       (our campus special)
3.      Johnny-Come-Lately      (six months of free suppositories)
4.      Johnny-on-the-Spot      (fast operation model)
5.      Farmer's Haven          (need we say more?)
6.      Johnny-Jump-Up          (with floral motif)
7.      Johnny-Be-Good          (a toilet-training favorite with parents)
8.      Can-Can                 (comes with bidet; imported from France)

Contact RENT-A-JOHN, a subsidiary of JOHNS-R-US
Number 2, Relief Prospect
Flushing, NY

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 09:18:40 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: You might be a school teacher if... <offensive to school teachers,
         maybe>

YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL TEACHER IF:

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt
   lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8
   to 3:20 and have summers free."

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the
   report card.

7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says
   "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
   children you do not know and correct their behavior.

9. You have no life between August to June.

10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much
    simpler.

11. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food
    group.

12. You think people should be required to get a government permit
    before being allowed to reproduce.

13. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

14. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the
    "lounge."

15. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

16. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools
    or home schooling.

17. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without
    having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

18. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would
    "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

19. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a
    child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you
    heard it uttered.

20. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

21. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I
    have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such
    fun."

22. You smile weakly, and want to choke a person when he or she says
    "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime
    for you."

23. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card
    time.

24. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is
    this kid like this?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 12:44:00 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Revenge

Revenge Is Sweet!

A man walks into a bar one night.  He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents," he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.  "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 14:09:13 EDT
From:    Eric Barr <EricBarr@AOL.COM>
Subject: Gems from Children

Actual responses given by children in Bible classes around the
country:
 1. The first book of the Bible is "Guiness" in which Adam and Eve were
    created from an apple.
 2. Noah's wife was called Joan of the Ark.
 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
 4. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the Ten Commendments.
 5. The Seventh Commandment is:  Thou shalt not admit adultery.
 6. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
 7. Soloman had 300 wives and more than 700 porcupines.
 8. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate distraction.
 9. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
10. One of the opossums was St. Matthew.
11. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
12. Paul preached acrimony which is another name for marriage.
13. David fought the Frankensteins, a race of huge people who lived in
    biblical parts of the country.
14. A Christian should have only one wife, which is called monotony.
15. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic
    Genitals.


http://members.aol.com/ericbarr/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 21:22:04 +0300
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Art Exhibition (Offensive)

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY
naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench.  What was unusual was
that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in
the middle had a VERY PINK penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out,
the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion?  "Can I help
you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the gentleman.  We were curious about this picture of
the black men on the bench.  Why is it that the man in the middle has a
pink penis?"

"Oh" said the artist? "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting.
The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in
the middle went home for lunch!"


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 14:38:51 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Clinton in China <Democrats, Chinese>

In China President Clinton declares that a commitment to human dignity
and freedom is just as "vital to the strength and success" of China as
it is in America. In other words, China, accept democracy and freedom
and you, too, can be in debt $6-trillion.

Today in Beijing, meeting with Chinese President Jiang Zemin, President
Clinton apologized for Americans' past mistreatment of the Chinese--like
the time on Bonanza when the Cartwrights cut off Hop Sing's pigtails for
serving moldy egg foo yung.

For the Chinese, getting missiles off the launching pad is their
second-biggest problem. Their biggest problem is getting pigeon stains
off the Great Wall.

On Saturday in Beijing President Clinton will attend a State banquet at
the Great Hall of the People. And in the tradition of American
presidents before him, he=92ll want to be sure and throw up on his host.


>From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 16:05:11 -0400
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Thoughts on real-life definitions (off to lawyers)

>JimJr sed:
>Lawyer - a cat that settles differences between two mice

Back in the early 19th century when we `Mericans were still novices at this
sort of thing, two states got into a tiff about the jurisdiction over
something or other. So they took the matter to the Supreme Court, which
considered it at length and decided that jurisdiction belonged to them.

>From A. Bierce's Devil's Dictionary:

* lawful (adj) compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction

* lawyer (n) one skilled in the circumvention of the law

* dice (n) small polka-dotted cubes of ivory, constructed like a lawyer to lie
  on any side, but commonly on the wrong one


Kanyak's Doghouse
http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/summit/300/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 18:47:15 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Engineers

         You May Be an Engineer if...

If you truly believe aliens are living among us

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters
your mind

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember
where they are

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they
work

If You can not comprehend that vindictiveness is a behavior characteristic
of small people with very small minds.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 20:01:52 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Trains

 A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a
friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

 While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears
this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

 Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

 After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea
kettle?"

 The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Jun 1998 18:52:57 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: true story

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt, fed
his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more
than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up
pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him like a dump truck full of mud.  "The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he
struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued
to evacuate his bowels on top of him", said flabbergasted Paderborn police
detective, Erik Dern.  With no one there to help him, he lay under all
 that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during
that time he suffocated.  "It seems to be just  one of those freak
accidents that happen sometimes - a billion-to-one shot, at least." >

The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when
the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African
elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty.

"Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that
severe constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt
Herrman recalled.  "He told me he was going to stay late that
Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema.
"I offered to help, but he sent me home, saying he had everything under
control."  But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter
Pleuger  found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of shit, his body
visible only from the knees down.  "I had never really thought about it
before," Det. Dern said.  "But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a
very dangerous activity and not something that should be attempted alone."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Jun 1998 to 26 Jun 1998
************************************************

