HUMOR Digest - 24 Jun 1998 to 25 Jun 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 520 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Architect (Not Off.)
  2. JimJr's Real Life Definitions
  3. The Tie (Pun)
  4. Answering Machine messages <adult>
  5. Neat Trick<adult-rated, offensive>
  6. Deep Thoughts From The Young - Part 2
  7. Advice
  8. Humorous Signs from England
  9. Billgatesian Thesaurus / Swapping <adult>
 10. June 25th in History <Native Americans>
 11. The Wall
 12. Patterns
 13. Satricial comments & questions about contemporary life

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Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 13:55:46 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Architect (Not Off.)

Recently, a party was held at the top of Boston's Prudential Center.
In the course of conversation, a man mentioned that it was somewhat
surprising that in a city the size and character of Boston, no one had
ever leaped off the roof.

"Wouldn't matter if they did," said one man.

"What do you mean, it wouldn't matter?" asked the man who brought
it up.

"I'm the architect who designed this building, and it's absolutely
suicide proof."

"What does that mean?"

"Simple.  Through a careful combination of design and location,
I've managed to harness the winds coming in off the Charles River
as a safety measure.  The winds swirl constantly around this building.
Anyone who leaped off of it would be caught by the winds and brought
back to the top."

"I don't believe you."

"I'll show you," the architect replied.  The two men found a
janitor to let them onto the roof.  "Watch," the architect said. He
stood on the edge of the roof for a moment,  wobbling from a few too
many drinks, and eventually he toppled backward.  He fell halfway to
the ground, then sure enough, his descent was slowed, and he was
returned to the top of the building.

"What do you think of that?" said the architect.

"That's great!  It looks exhilirating!  I'll try it!"  The man
went to the edge, stepped off, and plummeted hundreds of feet to a
messy death.

The janitor, who had witnessed all this, came up to the architect and said,
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you've had a few."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 03:45:54 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Real Life Definitions

A friend of mine, Lee Daniel Quinn, "Quinn's Devious Dictionary",
has been trying his hand at writing my style of quickie quips.
Alright !  Fair's fair !  In retaliation, here's Part 1 of JimJr's
Real Life Definitions:
                =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Ability - what ya gotta get by on if you don't kiss-up to the boss

Adult Education - a strenuous effort to learn stuff that bored you
                  when you were young enuff to profit from it

B.A. - a degree indictating the holder has mastered the first two
       letters of the alphabet -- backwards

Bride - a woman who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband
        carries her across the threshold

Career Girl - a woman who gets a man's salary w/o marrying one

Clever Girl - a woman who knows how to give a man her own way

College - an institution where you learn how to use punctuation
          marks, but not what to put between them

Domestic harmony - music produced when a husband plays second fiddle

Education - what you have left over when you subtract what you've
            forgotten from what you've learned

Experience - what you think you have 'til such time you acquire more

Good breeding - that quality which enables a person to wait in well
                mannered silence, while the loudmouth gets service

Idiot - any person who fails to see your point in a discussion

Lawyer - a cat that settles differences between two mice

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 01:08:58 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Tie (Pun)

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my
tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so unstylish," I
complained. He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?" I
replied, . . . "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you
play the game!" (By Parry Johnson)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 11:01:11 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Answering Machine messages <adult>

 Answering Machines Actual answering machine answers recorded and
 verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering
 Machine Answers.

 1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
 your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
 2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
 not here. So leave a message.
 3. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
 money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial
 aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends,
 you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of
 money.
 4. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
 telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
 toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
 incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort
 is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
 5. "Hi. Now you say something."
 6. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can
 talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering
 machine. What are you?"
 7. (From a Japanese man in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
 message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
 8. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
 Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
 of these magnets."
 9. "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped
 with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want any-
 thing cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
 10. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
 messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
 carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not
 need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
 number and they will get back to you."
 11. "This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic
 thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
 reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
 about returning your call."
 12. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
 Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."


"Not only is the glass half empty, but somebody else will probably
 come along and drink it before I get to it."      -Jeff Gates

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 10:16:20 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Neat Trick<adult-rated, offensive>

Try this neat trick witha digital calculator.
It goes along well with a story.

Between 7.40 pm and 9.54 p.m 7 women walked up and down my apartment.

Key in 7409547 as you relate the tale.

They did this 5 times.

Hit the x sign and 5

I asked them what they were selling.

And this was the answer they gave me.

Overturn the calculator to read the display.

Ans: 37047735

Bingo.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 13:19:29 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Deep Thoughts From The Young - Part 2

Some humor from a surprisingly visionary group. From an actual newspaper
contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by
Jack Handey."


When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.  Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a
lawn mower.  Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the
wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for
some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more
desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire
and everyone died.  Age 13

I like to go down to the  dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.  Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up.  Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is,
I used to, until she got an unlisted number.  Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there.  Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had
that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could
come up with!  Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally
wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"  Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So
I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?  Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started.  Age 15


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 13:40:00 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Advice

Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you are a mile away from them,
and you have their shoes.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 13:52:34 EDT
From:    Eric Barr <EricBarr@AOL.COM>
Subject: Humorous Signs from England

IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes
when the light goes out.

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring
it back or further steps will be taken.

IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand
upside down on the draining board.

ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This
door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines
etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council.

NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more
than 30 days will be disposed of.

IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
there is a day care on the first floor.

NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but
the bull charges.

MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to
get lessons.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door -
the bell doesn't work)

SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order.  Please use
floor below.


http://members.aol.com/ericbarr/

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Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 13:41:44 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Billgatesian Thesaurus / Swapping <adult>

First, more Billgatesian Thesaurus Phrases:
  from homegrown sources:
    1) Time to go for another drink, lady?
    2) Aren't you going to look at my nipples?
    3) Golf pro shows the ladies his... ?
    4) Dismayed at what she did to Bobbitt
	from listmember Glen McBride:
    5) I am not impotent... feel this!
  	from listmember Maurizio Mariotti:
    6) Bill Clinton has another affair; Hillary's response:
    7) Blowing her boyfriend in a convertible
    8) "I'll take Viagra," I told my wife.
    9) "Wife In Bed With Court Jester" said the headline.
  10) Is Bill Gates rich?

(find the answers below)
		*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

SWAPPING
There was these two guys, and they had been very close friends
almost forever. One day one of them told the other that his sex life
with his wife had become so monotonous, he really could use a
change. His friend came up with a bright idea: he offered to change
spouses for a day! The first guy accepted the offer gratefully.
That night in bed, the first guy said to his new spouse, "So, what do
you think our wives are doing now?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Billgatesian Thesaurus Replacements:
  1) time to go to bed
  2) areola
  3) gonads
  4) dismember
  5) I appreciate it
  6)  bill of divorcement
  7) blowing in the wind
  8) I'll drink to that
  9) wife of a king
10) is expedient [adj: governed by self-interest]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 14:28:12 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: June 25th in History <Native Americans>

On this date in 1876 Lt. Colonel George Custer was massacred at the
Little Big Horn in Montana, seriously damaging his military career and
any chance of promotion. Custer and 200 cavalrymen marched on 2,500
Sioux warriors. After that, West Point refused to commission any officer
who couldn't count.

Sitting Bull was the big star at the Battle of the Little Bighorn, and
then he went to Canada. If it happened today, he probably would go to
Disney World.

Custer had been a general but was demoted after the Civil War and things
just kept going downhill. At the Little Big Horn he decided right then
and there not to reenlist.

Not many people know it, but Custer finished last in his class at West
Point, whereas the winner at Little Big Horn, Chief Sitting Bull,
finished first in his class at Sioux A and M. The A and M stood for
Ambush and Massacre.


>From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 18:08:49 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: The Wall

[Thanks to Varda Ullman Novick]

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment
overlooking the Wailing Wall.  Every day when she looks out, she sees an
old Jewish man praying vigorously.  So the journalist goes down to the
wall, and introduces herself to the old man.  She asks: "You come every
day to the wall.  How long have you done that and what are you praying
for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25
years.  In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood
of man.  I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the
eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed.  "How does it make you feel to come here every day
for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly: "Like I'm talking to a wall."


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 18:42:35 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Patterns

Pete was working on a problem where printing grey colors was
causing symmetrical curvelinear patterns over his entire layout. Jim
looked over his shoulder and said, . . . "When the lines are all
curves and it gets on your nerves, That's a Moire!"
(By Anne Warren)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Jun 1998 21:56:11 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Satricial comments & questions about contemporary life

I see that Martha Stewart recently hosted a fund-raiser for Bill
Clinton. Did I really need another reason to hate that woman?

Avoid mailmen. They're carriers!

So Newt thinks that laptop computers will replace textbooks? Has the
man ever spent an entire day staring at a computer? If this comes to
pass, I sure would like to be in the eye=strain business.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

My doctor asked me if I was having any side effects from Viagra.
"Yes," I said, "I smile all day."

It used to be, "Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a
path to your door." Nowadays, if you build a better mousetrap, the
feds will beat a path to your gate.

I think Gateway Computers and Chick-fil-A should merge. Think of all
the money they would save hiring cows for their ads.

The state is discriminating against me. They won't give me a driver's
license just because I failed their test.

If you are not in shape to play golf, you are one seriously poor
physical specimen.

The physical demands of golf fall into the same category as jacks,
checkers and bowling.

Basically, I think the words basically and utilize are getting
utilized way too much around here.

I haven't seen the movie Titanic yet, but now that you've printed the
ending, I don't guess I need to.

The funeral directors are having a hard time closing the caskets - the
men are OD'ing on Viagra.


Blame: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent
The Atlanta J/C's the vent column

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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Jun 1998 to 25 Jun 1998
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