HUMOR Digest - 23 Jun 1998 to 24 Jun 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 503 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Drug Store (Pun)
  2. Life in the USA <adult humor>
  3. Women's Compact Instruction Booklet (off. to men)
  4. Two-Story House <Adult>
  5. The Laws of Work
  6. Deep Thoughts From The Young - Part 1
  7. Diana software (offensive to Di and Gates fans)
  8. The Writing on the Walls <some are adult>
  9. The Way it Came to Pass
 10. Silly comments and questions about soccer

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Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 00:58:31 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Drug Store (Pun)

My son went to the local pharmacy where he purchased a six-pack of
Coca Cola and a paperback edition of "Of Human Bondage." His saw some
friends come in, put his packages on the counter and went over to talk
to them. When he returned the book was gone. He started searching the
premises The pharmacist noticed him walking back and forth and asked
him if there was a problem. He answered, . . . "I've found my pop but
I've lost my Maugham.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 04:03:49 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life in the USA <adult humor>

* Only in Texas:  I understand that all the flashers not very well
  endowed are tried for their exhibitionism in Small Claims Court.
                                - - - - -

* The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.  A "Safe
  Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a safe without knowing
  the combination; in Georgia it's an AIDS-free girl on the pill.
                                - - - - -

* Hoping to attract more tourists, the Washington State's Chamber
  of commerce encouraged travel related groups to register with
  them.  One new organization was listed until the acronymic name
  was noticed: Women Helping Others Relax & Enjoy Seattle.
                                - - - - -

* Returning home unexpectedly, the Boston Society Lady was shocked
  to find her husband in a passionate embrace with the upstairs maid
  on the living room sofa.  "Diane !" the dowager said sternly, "May
  I inquire just what you are doing downstairs ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Two Howard County Detectives were investigating a burglary in a
  house where the owners were away on vacation.  One policeman said
  to the other, "Well, one thing for sure Pete... the crime was
  committed by two gay Yuppies from Columbia."
    The other plain clothes officer was astounded, "How in the
  world could you possible know that Mike ?" he asked.
    "Simple." replied his partner.  "They left a note with a dozen
  suggestions on how the place ought to be redecorated."

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------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 07:04:50 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Women's Compact Instruction Booklet (off. to men)

 1.  Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the
     house was spotless.
 2.  Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
 3.  Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
 4.  What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?  You shut the door.
 5.  So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
 6.  If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all
     there.
 7.  Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
 8.  Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out
     alone.
 9.  The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance
     or buy drinks.
 10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
 11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
 12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is
     unquestionably gay.
 13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell
     them apart.
 14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
     make some woman miserable.
 15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself
     types.
 16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too
     old for it.
 17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
 19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
     in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
 20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
     checkbooks.
 21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh alright,  I'll stay
     the night."
 22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even
     bother to have lunch with.
 23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
     means you laugh at his.
 24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just
     practicing.
 25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
 26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "you may be, you look
     familiar."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 07:52:20 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Two-Story House <Adult>

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What's
the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a
headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month'."

	       * * * * * * * ( . )( . ) * * * * * * 

Re: Yesterday's Billgatesian Thesaurus phrases,
           if you couldn't determine the outcome:

-  I have trouble following directions
          -- I should say so
-  Who does Bill Clinton make love to?
          -- whoever
-  When will OJ confess?
          -- when you will
-  Turn off the radio.
          -- Turn one on
-  I have an erection.
          -- I should say so

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 09:19:22 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Laws of Work

 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't
 be promoted.

 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
 done and what you're going to do.

 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
 month than you did before.

 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
 will happen to you the rest of the day.

 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
 talking about themselves.

 If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
 damn fool about it.

 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
 the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

 To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
 supposed to be doing.

 Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
 really good, you will get out of it.

 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops
 by your desk.

 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
 number of pens that person is carrying.

 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

 Following the rules will not get the job done.

 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

 When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
 reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

 No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
 everything that goes wrong.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 14:15:50 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Deep Thoughts From The Young - Part 1

Some humor from a surprisingly visionary group. From an actual newspaper
contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by
Jack Handey."

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life?  Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.  Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any
old yokel vote.  Age 10

Home is where the house is.  Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.  Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people
think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.  Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out.  Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I
didn't want to upset him.  Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear
beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to
die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that
I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him
a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more
than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of
kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest
of the night lighting farts.  Age 15


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 11:28:49 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Diana software (offensive to Di and Gates fans)

[Thanks to JoAnne Schmitz); from the INTERNUTS Digest, vol. 01, # 13]

London, Sunday

 A joint press release from Buckingham Palace and Microsoft announced
 today that the latest operating system from Microsoft, Windows 98,
 is to be renamed prior to launch as Diana, Princess of Windows.

 A spokesman for Microsoft said that this was in tribute to the late
 ex-royal and is a fitting name in that the product will look flash,
 be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and crash
 spectacularly.

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 15:17:01 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Writing on the Walls <some are adult>

Beauty is only a light switch away.
      -Perkins Library.  Duke University.  Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
      -Houghton Library, Harvard University.Cambridge,Massachusetts.

God made pot.  Man made beer.  Who do you trust?
      -the Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
      -men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
      -women's's restroom, Dick's Last Resort.  Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
      -men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
     -Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
    -written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.  Hell, do both, get married!
     -women's restroom, The Filling Station.  Bozeman, Montana.

      God is dead.  -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead.  -God
     -the Tombs Restaurant.  Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
     -Revolution Books.  New York, New York.

JESUS SAVES!  But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
     -men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
     -men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.


"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
   					-James Taylor

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 17:55:59 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Way it Came to Pass

Dear Jenny,
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to
get the word out.  Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try
and explain.

It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten-year-old
boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual
camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire, you know.
There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music,
military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. We tried
to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year.  (He
made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni).  Billy
would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was
for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if
only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened.
He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my
little Billy's letters.

Dear Mom,
   The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part.  We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
to program, so they let us stay up.
   Love, Billy.


Dear Mom,
   Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We
all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the
way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go,
it's time for the flowchart class.
   Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell
checked,  too.


Dear Mom,
   Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the
glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat.  I don't have much
of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the
computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last
year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
   Love, Billy.


Dear Mom,
   I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough.  This is the best
camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real
funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more
money?  I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes.
I've got to chip in on the phone bill.  Did you know that you can talk to
people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
   Love, Billy.


Dear Mother,
   Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry
I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting
onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the
university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's
going to show me how.  Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart.
He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
   Signed, Bill.


Dear Mother,
   How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears
them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I
thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some
money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000.  Anyway, I've
paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
   Regards, Bill.


Mother,
   Stop treating me like a child. True... physically I am only ten years
old.  It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again.
Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. the bank, credit bureau,
and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.?  I won't write again,
and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
   Sincerely, Bill.


See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy.
What can I do, Jenny? I know that it's probably too late to save my
little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE
CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.

   Thank you very much,
   Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Jun 1998 18:23:06 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Silly comments and questions about soccer

What is the World Cup anyway, some kind of athletic protector for the
planet?

So who won the first World Cup soccer riot?

Why does it bother nonsoccer fans so much that some Americans do like
soccer?

Eleven ties in the first 24 games. The World Cup is really exciting,
isn't it?

And the USA couldn't even get a tie. So boring.

Lately, I've had a touch of insomnia, so I can hardly wait for World
Cup soccer telecasts.

Unlike the World Series, the World Cup includes more than one country
- 32 of them in fact.

If you're participating in a riot at a World Cup match, are you
allowed to use your hands?


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

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End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Jun 1998 to 24 Jun 1998
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