HUMOR Digest - 22 Jun 1998 to 23 Jun 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 437 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Humor:Real life?clean..
  2. World Cup & hooliganism <mention of sex, maybe off. to the Engli
  3. Banks & Bankers
  4. Sad News
  5. Road Work <Dumb blonde joke>
  6. Jack And Jill <adult>
  7. The A-Z Of Political Correctness (Part 7 of 26)
  8. Today In History <Secret Service, New Jersey>
  9. Dog Dictionary
 10. Flying Around With Excel
 11. Newlyweds <adult>

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Date:    Wed, 17 Jun 1998 13:12:10 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Real life?clean..

SUPPOSEDLY.......

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say
the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.?
 Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
 cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
 wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
 cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
 cable."
".......Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
 securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
 in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
 have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
 computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
 when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Jun 1998 15:35:48 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: World Cup & hooliganism <mention of sex, maybe off. to the Engli

(Sent by Maurizio Morabito)

Top 10 reasons why hooliganism is better than sex

10. Finally something the English are the best at
 9. It gives a whole new meaning to the word gang-bang
 8. You can go on for hours and hours
 7. Free housing and food abroad
 6. No risk of catching strange diseases
 5. You can do it with grandmas and children, and none will think
    you're pervert
 4. Good physical exercise for the WHOLE body
 3. It's really better when you're completely drunk
 2. No risk of contributing to world's overpopulation (in fact, if
    done particularly effective, it may help the opposite)

	And the No. 1 reason:

 1. To hell with foreplay

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Jun 1998 03:58:05 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Banks & Bankers

* Listening to commercials on the radio for banks these days,
  with all the talk about conversion and redemption, I'm not
  really sure if they're promoting finance or religion.
                                - - - - -

* This one older lady, not quite up on the ins and outs of banks,
  was surprised to receive a notice demanding payment on her loan.
  She called the loan officer & said, "I can't return your money.
  I'm not finished with it yet."
                                - - - - -

*   Not all banks are as solvent as we imagine them to be.  I went
  into mine the other day and told the loan officer I was interested
  in a loan.
    He smiled and replied, "That's great Mr. Moore !  How much can
  you let us have ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Explaining their policy on not cashing checks for people who
  don't have accounts with their bank, the teller said, "Why if
  he didn't have an account here, I wouldn't cash a check for my
  own brother."
    The irate customer replied, "Well... you know your family a
  lot better than I."
                                - - - - -

*   While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and
  downs frighten a lot of small investors like me.  I went to my
  financial advisor at the bank and ask if he were worried.
    He replied that he slept like a baby.  I was amazed and asked,
  "Really ???  Even with all the fluctuations ?"
    He said, "Yes.  I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up
  and cry for a couple of hours."

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------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Jun 1998 06:56:38 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Sad News

                Here's your little snicker of the day:

 It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know....There was
 a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song
 "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble
 keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and ... well,
 you know the rest.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Jun 1998 11:13:21 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Road Work <Dumb blonde joke>

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with
Public Works.  She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must
stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde
had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!  "Great," he
told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only
accomplished 2 miles.  The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the
average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought,
"I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great.
The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you
only did one mile.  Why?  Is there a problem?  An injury, equipment failure?
What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away
from the bucket."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Jun 1998 09:51:53 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Jack And Jill <adult>

An office manager has two workers, Jack and Jill, who work hard at his
office. Both are equally skilled, and unfortunately, a day comes where
he has to fire one of the employees.  As he's sitting there trying to
decide, Jill gets up and gets an aspirin for her headache.

The office manager sighs and approaches her. "Look, Jill, I'm in a bit
of a dilemma."

"What's the problem?" asked Jill.

"Well, I've either got to lay you or Jack off."

"Jack off, then, I've got a headache."

            (from Australia, "Grant's Comedy List")


*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*:-:-:-:*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
I received a couple more thesaurus renderings (re: MicroTest)
           -----------------------
1) Open a new document in Word...
     go to:       Tools / Language / Set Language
     and set it to:      "English (United States)"
2) Copy / Paste the following phrases into the Word doc...
3) Highlight the entire phrase and select Thesaurus
     from the Tools menu or hit Shift F7.
           -----------------------

from Jeff Shepherd:
      I have trouble following directions

from Chris Brock:
      Who does Bill Clinton make love to?
      When will OJ confess?
      Turn off the radio.
      I have an erection.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Jun 1998 16:39:16 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: The A-Z Of Political Correctness (Part 7 of 26)

THE A-Z OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (TODAY IS G)

I could not think of anything for G so thanks to Paul Benoit and John
Wetherald for these... Much appreciated.


GASTRONOMICAL EXPRESSION
        Farting and Belching

GENETICALLY RELATED AMERICAN
        Redneck

GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP
        When a 17 year old girl dates a 53 year old man

GEOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED
     Hot Air Balloonist

GRAPHICAL USER INTERFACE DEFICIENT
     DOS User

GRAPHICAL USER INTERFACE GIFTED
     MAC User

GRAPHICAL USER INTERFACE CHALLENGED
     Windows User


http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Jun 1998 15:27:10 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Today In History <Secret Service, New Jersey>

The U.S. Secret Service was born on this day in 1860. The Secret Service
protects the President from the people. Unfortunately, there is no
organization that protects the people from the President.

New Jersey was chartered on this day in 1664. In America the Spaniards
already had taken the gold, and the French had taken the furs, so the
British took New Jersey.

Later, after opening casinos, New Jersey took everybody.


>From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Jun 1998 13:55:48 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Dog Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead
your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To
do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale
deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones  to consume and moldy crusts
of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to
warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls
and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out.  Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when
combined  with The Sniff.  See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Jun 1998 17:38:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Flying Around With Excel

From: Jim Miller

Believe it or not, there is a 3-D Flight Simulator in Excel 97.
Apparently the constant rain in Redmond has driven Bill's engineers to
obsessive flights of fancy.  Below you'll find instructions on how to
access a little flight simulator that was inexplicably hidden by
precipitation-maddened programmers deep inside Excel 97.

(1) In Excel 97, open a new blank work sheet.
(2) Press F5 and type X97:L97 in the "Reference" box, then click OK.
(3) Now hit your tab key once (you should end up in cell M97).
(4) press "Ctrl" and "Shift" while clicking once on the "chart
    wizard" icon (the one at the top with the blue-yellow-red bar chart).

Welcome aboard ! After a few moments you should be flying.  Steer with
the mouse, accelerate and decelerate with the left and right mouse
buttons respectively, and look for the monolith with the programmer
credits.  You can exit the screen by pressing Ctrl + Shift + Esc.
Enjoy the flight..............


---
 At the prompt, remove disk, spit on it, then retry.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Jun 1998 23:06:39 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Newlyweds <adult>

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new
husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they
should have separate suites.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the
festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door
she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They
unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of
her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is
again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further
coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her
a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep
for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he
is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow
the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age
has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than
half your age who were only good
for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already
here?"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Jun 1998 to 23 Jun 1998
************************************************

