HUMOR Digest - 21 Jun 1998 to 22 Jun 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 499 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. practical first aid guide. (part II)
  2. Moore on Fathers
  3. New Office Lingo
  4. Lawn Mowing
  5. Seinfeld on Sex (somewhat adult)
  6. Politics (adult)
  7. Stories
  8. Scornful comments and questions about the Southern Baptist  Conv

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Date:    Sun, 21 Jun 1998 01:41:04 -0500
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: practical first aid guide. (part II)

And now the second part of this practical first aid guide.

Strange objects in eye:
In this case, you have to examine the nature of the object, if it exceeds
the value of the eye, say, a diamond, one gold coin, a beef steak or 1 oz
of uranium, the best thing to do is to extract the eye and leave the object
in the eye's place. That person will be benefitiated with the change,
because in this days profits are everything.
But if the person wants to keep his own eye for sentimental reasons, you
must extract the object, carefully rinse it and when dry, place it on other
people's eye, this person must be less sentimental and more material. Then
you can apply the first procedure.

Syncope:
Also known as swoon or faint. In the past very popular between ladies.
Nowadays is very popular between males, especially parents, who have to pay
for tuition, taxes, credit cards among other calamities of our days. The
best thing to do, or at least the most humanitarian thing to do, is to let
this poor guy die, so he can at last rest in peace.

Hiccup:
In the past, the best thing to do in this case, used to be to scare the
patient, unfortunately nowadays people have lost the capability to get
scared of anything, so the best thing to do is to spend some time with the
victim of this disease, drinking something like chivas regal whisky or
maybe bacardi rum, you have to keep him telling you a really long speech,
like the ones in the congress.

Bite:
( some explanation needed: in Mexico we call bribes 'mordidas', that
translates in bite. )
If it is a dog bite, you'd better take that person and the dog to a health
institution, but if it is a cop bite or a bureaucrat bite, there is nothing
to do, you have to pay or you may suffer lines, paperwork, lost of time and
documentation. Sorry, no known remedy.

Stork visit:
Even it happens in the home, most of the times in the bedroom, we can't
consider this a home accident, so we refuse to talk about it. And once you
have knowledge of this situation, you can't do anything, unless you are the
kind of person who believes in premature uncorking.


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Jun 1998 03:38:19 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Moore on Fathers

* Neither of my kids ever understood my logic.  Both of them failed
  to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.
                                - - - - -

* A friend of mine had 5 kids.  When the youngest finally turned 16,
  and was the last one left at home, my friend posted a sign on the
  kid's bedroom door: "Check-out time is 18".
                                - - - - -

*   I once had this long-haired hippy ask me what my daughter was
  like.  I told him she was a knockout.  He grinned & said, "She's
  that pretty, huh ?"
    I said, "No, she holds a black belt in karate."
                                - - - - -

* So many Fathers of teens these days are convinced their kids
  are interested in becoming astronauts.  They say that's the
  only reason they can think of for them sitting around at home
  taking up space.
                                - - - - -

*   When JimJr Jr was little, he'd ask a hundred questions daily.
  Once I told him, "What would happen if I asked as many questions
  as you do ?"
    Without a pause he replied, "Well, then, you might be able to
  answer some of mine."
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of JimJr Jr (I was), he once asked me why this boy came
  around all the time to visit Sandy, his sister, when the boy had
  a sister of his own right at his house.
                                - - - - -

*   When Chelsea was about 7, one nite she asked her Mother to tell
  her a bedtime story.  Hillary was not thrilled with the request,
  since it was about 3 in the morning.
    "Tell ya what..." she said, "you just lay in bed with me & when
  your Father gets home, he can tell us both one."

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------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Jun 1998 10:58:03 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: New Office Lingo

Blame storming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers
go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms,
goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid sentence.

Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.

Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for
references to one's own name.

Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators
running .

Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've
just made a big mistake.

SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been
dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this
week."

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and
charisma of a plastic action figure.

Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by
addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours
surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's code
of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you.  AOL put me under mouse
arrest."

Glazing - Corporate speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular
pastime at conferences and early morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that
half the room was glazing by the second session?"

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both
paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San
Francisco Chronicle..."

Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's
processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across
the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to
that CAD rendering."

Open Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent
are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long
time. A dead web page.

It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used
sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss
over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad
case of keyboard plaque."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an
office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the       adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young
entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed in the end.

Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands .

404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.  Don't
bother asking him, he's 404.

Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity, Barney the dinosaur's
Elvis year was 1993.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Jun 1998 14:50:13 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Lawn Mowing


A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life & practice
his hobby of yard work.  Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to
buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale.
He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The
preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind
the house.

The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along
at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed
a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on
a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied
the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and
watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well,  how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher
and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it
after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said,
"Preacher, you keep on pulling  that rope and it'll all come back to ya."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Jun 1998 20:12:59 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Seinfeld on Sex (somewhat adult)

"Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is
that men are like firemen.  To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter
what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes.  Women, on the other
hand, are like fire.  They're very exciting, but the conditions have
to be exactly right for it to occur."    -Jerry Seinfeld



- "Between kindness and honesty, I choose kindness every time,
   giving or receiving."                -Robert Heinlein

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Jun 1998 22:32:52 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Politics (adult)

 A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says,
 "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the
 family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of
 the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of
 your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her
 the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now,
 think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off
 to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

 Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
 check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So
 the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
 asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the
 door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
 nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy
 says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics
 now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
 think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, while
 Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep,
 the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Jun 1998 20:13:57 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Stories

Johnny was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good
size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to
be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," Johnny said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.  It's very powerful and if
you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.  In fact, it might even kill
him."

But Johnny was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of
washing his dog.

About a week later Johnny was back in the store to buy some candy.

The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the  boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog
died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your
dog."

"Well," Johnny replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed
him."

"Oh?  What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"
			---------------------

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep
hole.  "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in
there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big
rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey... over here in
the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we
toss THAT sucker in, it's  GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound
comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind.
It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as
its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of
the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did!  Craziest thing I ever seen!  It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Jun 1998 00:14:36 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Scornful comments and questions about the Southern Baptist  Conv

Taken from recent issues of the Vent, Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

Before we turn to the SBC, let's look at one scornful father's day
card: "You're a lousy father, but you're the only one I've got, so
here's your card."

People in the rest of the country have doubts about Southerners'
intelligence. The Southern Baptists aren't helping our reputation one
bit.

I bet I'm not the only one who's totally given up on organized
religion because of the likes of Pat Robertson and the Southern
Baptist Convention.

Southern Baptists are smarter than the rest of the country. We
recognize sin as sin and we're fighting to stop it and save our
children.

Is it really a sin to be a Democrat?

Hey, Southern Baptists, your vote on Clinton tells me that Southern
Baptists is the new word for hypocrisy.

The Southern Baptist Convention edict of gracious submission is as
much about politics 2000 as it is about sex and femme fatale phobia.

Why is it that the more the Southern Baptists try to explain what they
really meant, the more frightened I get?

I told my wife to submit, and she said, "You haven't finished the
dishes yet."

The Southern Baptists are just giving unreasonable men an excuse to
abuse their wives.

You have to admire the Southern Baptists. They are the only major
American religion with guts enough to stand up for Stone Age ideals.

I don't think Southern Baptists have figured out that God is a woman.

Totally giving up on organized religion because of the likes of Pat
Robertson and the Southern Baptist Convention is like totally giving
up on restaurants because of the likes of McDonald's and Burger King.

Hey, I'm a Southern Baptist and, turst me, our religion is not
organized.

The Southern Baptist position is easy to understand ... just read your
Bible! They didn't write it, you may not agree with it ... but do you
have the ego to change God's word?

The last time I check self-righteousness, hypocrisy and excessive
pride were considered sins. If that is true, then the Southern Baptist
Convention is going to have a lot of explaining to do when they get to
heaven.

(These items were selected from the Vent and I only wrote one of them).

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Jun 1998 to 22 Jun 1998
************************************************

