There are 7 messages totalling 352 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Happy Father's Day
  2. The law of gravity <clean>
  3. True story
  4. How To Annoy People
  5. Orchestra <pun>
  6. Women Vs. Men (off to dumb men :o)
  7. Practical first aids for home accidents

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Date:    Sat, 20 Jun 1998 03:22:57 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Happy Father's Day

* A Father is a combination advisor, counselor, policeman and
  loan officer provided by Mother Nature.
                                - - - - -

* A Father is a man with pictures in his wallet, where he used
  to keep his money when he was single.
                                - - - - -

* All Fathers were kids once themselves.  In fact, most of the
  Mothers keep telling them they still are.
                                - - - - -

* One Father's Day my kids asked me what I wanted special. I said,
  "Breakfast in bed."  They put a cot in the kitchen.
                                - - - - -

* Reflecting Father: "If my son is getting half as much out of
  college as the college is getting out of me, he'll be a success."
                                - - - - -

* Father's Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were growing
  up.  I was always afraid they were going to give me a present
  that I couldn't afford.
                                - - - - -

* With divorce and remarriage so common these days, pity the poor
  kids.  Most of them know what to buy for Father's Day -- they
  just don't know which "Father" to give it to.
                                - - - - -

* I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines
  in the house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager. I use
  2 computers, 3 ISP's and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers
  & one weekly one. I watch both the local & network news every
  evening.  And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date:    Sat, 20 Jun 1998 09:52:58 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The law of gravity <clean>

On a list I subscribe to, there was a lengthy debate - totally
asinine IMO - on whether gravity is a reality or a myth. Sanity was
finally restored by a listmember, with the following post:

1) Find yourself a bridge, a skyscraper or any tall structure.
2) Climb to its highest point.
3) Jump off.

If you remain floating in the air, you may draw the conclusion that
gravity is a myth and you will, I'm sure, be duly noted in the annals
of history and science as a great discoverer.  On the other hand, if
you end up dead, you may safely draw the conclusion that you were
wrong.  When you've completed the experiment, send me an e-mail and
tell me how it went.
                                    <signed>

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Date:    Sat, 20 Jun 1998 04:45:04 -0500
From:    Fred <fredb@LINKUP.NET>
Subject: True story

When I was in college I used to go to the fraternity house quite often, I
got some very strange looks one day when I was sitting alone and started to
laugh. They asked me what I was laughing about and I said that I had just
told myself a joke I had never heard before.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 20 Jun 1998 09:58:54 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How To Annoy People

34 Different Ways to Annoy People


 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper,
    99 copies.

 2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they
    slow down

 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

 4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to
    others.

 5. Sing along at the opera.

 6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
    conditions "to keep them tuned up."

 7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

 8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

 9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to
    your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the
    room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist
    to others that you "like it that way."

16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
    mints by the cash register.

20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear
    that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by
    tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce,
    "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
    parakeet.

29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the
    answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

33. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY
    BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD!

34. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they
    sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 20 Jun 1998 14:20:53 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Orchestra <pun>

An orchestra was giving a huge concert, playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.
Since this is a rather long and difficult piece of music to play, there was a
scheduled intermission immediately before the last movement.

During this time, the bass players decided to run across the street from the
concert hall, and grab a few quick drinks to help them make it through the
last movement.

The first and second chair clarinet players were having a secret affair, and
snuck into the practice rooms for a rendezvous.

Not to be left out, the concertmaster thought that it would be REALLY cute to
play a practical joke on the conductor, who he had a running feud with for
several years.  He snuck up to the podium during intermission, and with some
string that he had hidden in his suit coat, he proceeded to tie knots around
the musical score that the conductor used to lead the orchestra.

Finally, the intermission was over, and the conductor walked up to the podium,
ready to lift his baton to begin the final movement.  He immediately
discovered the problems facing him.....it was the bottom of the Ninth, the
basses were loaded, two were out, and the score was tied.........

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 20 Jun 1998 22:52:35 +0300
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Women Vs. Men (off to dumb men :o)

This may be one clear indication of who is the smarter. A woman and a
man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out
of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm
a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

"The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from
God!

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't even
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune. "Then he hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs
from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?

"The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/

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Date:    Sun, 21 Jun 1998 00:00:40 -0500
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Practical first aids for home accidents

Looking on my archives i found this wich I posted on the list back in 1994,
so I think It's as good as not have been posted for a while. This article
was published by Marco A. Almazan, a great mexican humor writer. It first
appeared in a book called The gormondios of Marfesia (Los gormondios de
Marfesia) ed. J.U.S. Mexico 1975.

and now...

Practical first aids for home accidents.
There are a lot of small home accidents that relly doesn't are dangerous by
itselfs, However the real danger is that you leave the victim of this
accident laid on the floor until you call a doctor who does not made
homecalls or if he does, charges you an amount of money that equals the
price of your home. It happens that this guy stays on the floor until
someone kills him by accidentally stepping on him, or he dies from natural
causes.
To offer a remedy to this unconfortable situation, ioll give you the most
effective and simple procedures for the most common home accidents such as:

Electric Shock:
If the guy who suffered an electric shock had caused a short circuit that
blows a fuse, in the first place, you should try to fix your fuse box, or
you might apply first aids to another person and do not notice or pay any
attention to the guy who had suffered the accident.
After fixing the fuse box you will procced to screw a lightbulb in his/her
theeth, if the lightbulb doesn't turn on, that means that this guy does not
have enough volts in his body and he/she will be o.k. in a couple of
minutes, after having a couple of drinks or if you give him/her a shower
with cold water. This last procedure is not recommended in winter time, or
this home remedy may turn into a worst situation.
If the light turns on, the best thing to do is to take this guy to the
outside of the house and hang him over the door, put some music and he/she
will receive the full benefits of fresh air, and he/she will also receive
an standing ovation from the people at the street and the neighbours that
are watching this odd show of light and sound.
Poison ingestion:
If someone ingests rat poison, lye, or just pork meat at any taco stand,
this is the correct procedure. Lie down that person in decubito supino
possition (on his back), put yor knee on his chest and a plumber helper on
his face (the kind you use on your sink). While you are making the suction
procedure, you must shout at the guy 'I knew this will happen one day, I
told you a thosand times, This is happening because you are an idiot, That
happened to you for eating so much trompa,buche and nenepile tacos (
diferent kind of tacos made with pork meat that you can buy near almost
every bus stop or subway station (Metro). Don't ask wich part of the pig,
belive me, you don't want to know).
If the person is a stranger, you don't have to say nothing, just use the
plumber helper as directed before and wait for an ambulance.


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Jun 1998 to 21 Jun 1998
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