HUMOR Digest - 19 Jun 1998 to 20 Jun 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 880 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. <HUMOUR> Viagra virus
  2. The 23rd Eatin' Psalm
  3. Michael Jordan versus Bill Gates
  4. President Clintin
  5. Internet Addiction
  6. Elephant Q&A <clean and plain silly>
  7. Now that's getting 'em told!
  8. The Perfect Day
  9. Proud Fathers
 10. Sympathy... Plus+ <adult>
 11. Kids say the darndest things...
 12. The A-Z of Political Correctness (Part 6 of 26)
 13. FW: FW:Another MicroTest
 14. Father's Day
 15. 4 Surgeons <offensive to lawyers>
 16. Are you ready to be a parent?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 14:07:20 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Viagra virus

Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus,
it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 01:58:58 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The 23rd Eatin' Psalm

 23rd Psalm:  Contemporary Version

My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously;
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I shall be ?pleasantly plump? forever.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 03:23:00 -0400
From:    Junie Hoe <junchris@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: Michael Jordan versus Bill Gates

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he
averages about 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year,he'll be making
$178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hrs a night, he makes $52,000 every night.

If he goes to a movie, he'll pay $7.00, but he'll make $18,550.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a
whole 12 hours.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Next year, he'll make more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of
their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? . . .
BUT:
JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS
TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 04:44:19 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: President Clintin

* The way I see it, Clinton loves three things: money, power & both.
                                - - - - -

* Thankfully Clinton cannot run for President again.  No way could
  he stand on his record until he got his foot out of his mouth.
                                - - - - -

* When I heard Clinton say he was a self-made man, I thought, "Thank
  God !  He removed the responsibility from Society."
                                - - - - -

*   During a heated news conference, Clinton was asked, "What about
  the powerful interest that controls you ?"
    Clinton snapped back, "You leave Hillary out of this !"
                                - - - - -

* I see Clinton's going to China.  Well, I for one have never trusted
  them at all.  I mean any country with a billion people who tell us
  that ping pong is their national sport will lie about anything.
                                - - - - -

*   A White House intern is shopping at a flea market, and in looking
  an oil lamp, releases a genie.  He promptly grants her the standard
  three wishes. "First," she said, "I'd like two of the biggest boobs
  in the whole world."
    There's a puff of smoke -- Clinton and Hillary appear at her side.
                                - - - - -

*   Four of the Supreme Court Justices were lunching together. One
  shook his head sadly, a second let out a long suffering sigh and
  a third just sat there and moaned.
    Justice O'Connor stood up and said, "I'm going to my own table.
  You three men should know better then to discuss all the Clinton
  cases in public."

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------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 05:20:42 -0400
From:    Junie Hoe <junchris@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: Internet Addiction

     ***You know you are addicted to the internet when...***

     Tech Support calls you for help.

     Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.

     You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

     You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang
     out."

     You want to meet someone new and your first impulse is to
     turn on your computer.

     You've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face
     to face.

     You have to get a second phone line just so you can call
     Domino's.

     You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (the Spanish chat room)
     "just to work on my Spanish."

     You've ever typed "drinking on IRC is better than drinking
     alone."

     You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail letting
     everyone know you are going to be away. For just a little while.

     You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

     You no longer type with proper punctuation; Capitalization - or
     complete sentences... like the ones that run On and On and you
     never know when they are going to End or not but you don't really
     care anyway because you're online and nobody uses that stuff
     anyway

     You have met more than 100 AOL subscribers. In person.

     You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

     Someone at the office says, "What did you say?" and you reply,
     "Scroll up!"

     You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of
     the night when your spouse is alseep.

     You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't
     know you are online again.

     You know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do
     your own spouse's.

     You find yourself lying to others about your time online, and
     when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off
     the hook. Or that the dog ate it.

     You have an identity crisis if someone else is using a screen
     name similar to yours.

     You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from
     partying too much instead of being online all night.

     You change screen names so much that you have to get your profile
     to see who you are.

     You're broke, your modem burns out, and then you go out on the
     streets to sell your belongings so you can get a new one.

     You marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own
     computers and chat to each other from across the room.

     Your dog leaves you.

     You have to ask what time it is.

     You have to ask what day it is.

     You have written a letter like this: "dear tom, hiyas! how r u
     doin well i gotta go bbl!

     You look at an annoying person offline and wish you had your
     ignore button handy.

     You bring a bag lunch to the computer.

     Your significant other kisses your neck while you are chatting
     and you think "Uh oh... a cyber sex perv's after me!"

     You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
     than a few hours.

     You use online lingo in real life (applies only to those who
     still have a real life).

     You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

     Your notify list has over 100 people on it.

     You have blocked more than 100 people from putting you on their
     buddy lists.

     Your worst comeback to a bully is "I'll slap you with a rubber
     chicken."

     You wake up in the morning and get online before you have your
     first cup of coffee.

     You have your computer set up so that it goes online at startup.
     You don't know where the time has gone.

     You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing
     letters in longhand.

     You get up at 2:00 am to go the bathroom but go turn on your
     computer "to check for mail."

     You spell things out loud instead of actually saying the word.

     You don't even notice typos anymore. And you work as a
     proofreader.

     Twenty-three people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
     when you enter a room.

     You get mad when twenty-three people don't greet you with
     {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses*** when you enter a room.

     You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
     lemme.

     Your voice mail message is "BRB, leave your screen name and I
     will TTYL." And people do.

     You type faster than you think.

     You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL and are now undergoing
     therapy in private rooms instead of at the office.

     You want your computer to be buried with you when you die... or
     vice versa.

     You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

     You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that
     scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie, including the
     Best Boy, Dolly Grip and Production Accountant.

     People say, "If it weren't for the super reflexes in your eyes
     and fingers, you would have classified as a vegetable long ago."

     You dream in text.

     Being called a newbie is a MAJOR insult

     There is absolutely no interesting chat in the room and you are
     really bored - yet you don't want to leave in case you miss
     something.

     You double click your TV remote.

     You can now type over 70 WPM.

     You think about starting a 12 step recovery group for AOL
     junkies.

     You are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else
     you say "BRB" or "BBL."

     You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.

     You go into withdrawals during dinner. (Note: This does not apply
     to single people, who take their meals at the keyboard).

     You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
     everyone in a room.

     You stop speaking in full sentences.

     You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room and ended up
     giving advice to other addicts.

     You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws Of Life.

     The Jaws Of Life don't do the trick.

     Your last sexual experience was really just a textual experience.

     While cooking dinner, you "just wanted to check your mail," and
     while you were there you "just wanted to see who was on." The
     resulting fire caused $12,000 in damage.

     You meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their
     real name is, so you call them by their screen names.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 12:10:48 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Elephant Q&A <clean and plain silly>

Q:  Why are elephants big, wrinkled, large, grey and hairy?
A:  Because if they were small, round, smooth, white and hairless,
    they'd be aspirin tablets.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 03:35:54 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Now that's getting 'em told!

[Thanks to Varda Ullman Novick]

Actual statements from Hizzoner Mayor Marion Barry of Washington, DC.

 "The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against
 diversity during this long period of increment weather."

 "I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

 "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very
 low crime rate."

 "First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club.  And second,
 what can I say?  I'm a night owl."

 "Bitch set me up."

 "I am clearly more popular than Reagan.  I am in my third term.
 Where's Reagan?  Gone after two!  Defeated by George Bush and
 Michael Dukakis no less."

 "The laws in this city are clearly racist.  All laws are racist.
 The law of gravity is racist."

 "I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an
 international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel.  As mayor,
 I am an international symbol.  Can you deny that to Africa?"

 "People have criticized me because my security detail is larger
  than the president's.  But you must ask yourself: are there more people
  who want to kill me than who want to kill the president?  I can assure
  you there are."

 "The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were
 black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

 "I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves.
 The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the
 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

 "What right does Congress have to go around making laws just
  because they deem it necessary?"

 "People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if
 the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix
 them then?  WOULD IT!?!"

 "I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an
 intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 07:08:25 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Perfect Day

     The Perfect Day for Her:

 8:15  Wakeup to hugs and kisses
 8:30  Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
 8:45  Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
 9:15  Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
 1:00  Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
 3:00  Nap
 4:00  3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
 4:15  Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
 5:30  Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
 7:30  Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
 10:00 Hot shower (alone)
 10:30 Make love
 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
 11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms



            The Perfect Day for Him!

 6:00  Alarm
 6:15  Blowjob
 6:30  Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
 7:00  Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
 7:30  Limo arrives
 7:45  Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
 8:15  DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
 9:30  Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
 9:45  Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heineken's
 12:15 Blowjob
 12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
 2:15  Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
 2:30  Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas  (nap)
 3:15  Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
 4:30  Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs.)
 5:00  G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
 6:45  Shit, shower and shave
 7:00  Watch CNN newsflash:  Chretien resigns, Aline and Bouchard Farm
       animal video released and authenticated. (Aline has a secret mole,
       Bouchard looks real cold)
 7:30  Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York
       Steak
 9:00  Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
 9:30  Sex with three women (preferably at least two with mixed race
       origin)
 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
 11:45 Bed (alone)
 11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
 11:55 Sleep

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 08:01:30 -0400
From:    Junie Hoe <junchris@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: Proud Fathers

Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the
restroom. Three guys are left...

The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser
because he started out washing cars for a  local dealership. Turns out
that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars
that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just
gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started
out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break,  they made
him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate
firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a
new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you.  MY son started out sweeping
floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a
broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that
he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that
they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm
embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started
out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact
I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends.  But I try
to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new
Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 08:54:31 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Sympathy... Plus+ <adult>

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to their twin beds. [?]
However, the man was not yet ready to slumber, and called over to
his wife "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.
On the way, she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband, with a concerned look on his face says " Oh, did my
little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman just smiles, gets up and enters hubby's bed. The two
have passionate sex, and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she
is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet
and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife
lying on the floor and says "Clumsy bitch."

Re: MicroTest
Some folks just don't get it! No, that's not a comment on the lack of a
sense of humor in folks... I got EMail from a Unix user without Word, &
someone who's thesaurus came back with "clothed," another who got
"I would"...  So, here's what should have happened:

................<- original  -|-  thesaurus ->.................
i'd love to see you naked    -|-  I'll drink to that

Re: SuperNatural
A southern gentlemen sent an alternate punch line:

"Would you please rise, sir, tell us your name, and talk more about
  this sexual encounter with a ghost?"

"I am Professor Doctor Abrim Ragansamghabi of the University
  of Bagdhad. I beg your pardon.  I thought you said 'goat'."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 10:49:38 -0400
From:    Junie Hoe <junchris@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: Kids say the darndest things...

   Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep
   journals of amusing things their students have written in papers.
   Here are a few examples:

   - The future of "I give" is "I take."

   - The parts of speech are lungs and air.

   - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

   - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the
      population.

   - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
      gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

   - (Define H2O and CO2.)  H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

   - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

   - The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

   - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it
     through an aviator.

   - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

   - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

   - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and
       you sit on the bottom.

   - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our
      silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

   - One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

   - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
        constipated authorities.

   - One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

   - To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it
      drips into the throat.

   - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

   - The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

   - Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply
      religious feelings.

   - The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the
      top and plural at the bottom.

   - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

   - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and
      up the other.

   - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

   - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

   - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

   - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the
     winter.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 17:34:14 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: The A-Z of Political Correctness (Part 6 of 26)

THE A-Z OF POLITICALLY CORRECT DEFINITIONS (TODAY IS F)


FACIAL CONJOINING
        Kissing

FALSE CONSCIOUSNESS
        Everything we think we know is wrong, but only university
        professors can see right through it

FAMILIARY-REJECTED OVINE OF RACE
        The Black Sheep of the Family

FATEFULLY DESIGNATED, PARENTALLY DEFICIENT INDIVIDUAL
        Lucky Bastard

FATEFULLY DESIGNATED, PARENTALLY DEFICIENT INDIVIDUAL OF ECONOMIC
INDEPENDENCE
        Lottery Winner

FEMALE OBSERVANCE WITH VERBAL EMOTIVE EXPRESSION
        Ogling women and going "Phwoarrrrrrrrr"

FEMALE PERSON OF TRANSITORY STATUS AND MATERIAL SELF-SUFFICIENCY
        Bag Lady

FEMDARIN
        A Small Female Orange Originating from China

FEMET
        Edouard Manet's Wife

FEMIFESTO
        Politically Correct Expression of Feminist Ideas

FEMUFACTURING
        Self-expressing produce made by women FOR women

FEMURE
        Dung produced by female animals

FISH RAPIST
        Angler

FOLICALLY CHALLENGED
        Bald


http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 13:39:17 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Re: FW: FW:Another MicroTest

from Sierra L Halstead :

 I forwarded your microtest to a friend, and here's what he found out...
 the last one is my personal favorite!

  > I played around with the Thesaurus in Word a little after your
  > earlier post and discovered that it is easily manipulated because
  > if it doesn't find a suggestion it will simply list the closest
  > alphabetic sugestion.
  >
  > So, for instance, "little trouser snake" becomes "little woman,"
  > "martian food consumer" becomes "martyr,"
  > and "stupid Microsoft product" becomes "stupid mistake."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 15:02:55 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Father's Day

Sunday is Father's Day, a day to honor dear old dad, if you can find
him. Good places to look:

At the golf course, in the rough.

At the bank, cursing the automatic teller machine.

On top of the house, trying to nail the TV antenna to the chimney before
the game starts.

Under the car, watching the oil drip.

At the hardware store, bragging to a total stranger about his kids.


>From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 16:58:18 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 4 Surgeons <offensive to lawyers>

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate
on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate
on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical
order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're
heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are
interchangeable."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Jun 1998 14:47:23 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Are you ready to be a parent?

Are you ready to be a parent?

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery.  Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of
being a mother or father.

1. Women:  To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick
a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After
nine months, remove 10% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to
help himself. Next, go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your
salary paid directly to its head office. Go home. Pick up the paper
and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and
how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it's the
last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from
5 p.m. until 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep. Get up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again
with the bag until 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. Since you can't
go back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a pot of tea. Go to bed
at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off, sing
songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up.

Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers
in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains
with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this--all
morning.

6. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube.  Using only
scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last,
take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo
Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play
group committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette
player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down
the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!
Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out
again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it
again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect
minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty
tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream
that you've had as much as you can stand until all the neighbors come
out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You're now
just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child with you. A fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this DO NOT even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side.  Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from the ceiling and swing it from side
to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it
into the hole of  the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest into
your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.  You are
now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

12. Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends',
'Sesame street', and 'Power Rangers'. When you find yourself singing,
"I love you, you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Jun 1998 to 20 Jun 1998
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