HUMOR Digest - 16 Jun 1998 - Special issue
There are 13 messages totalling 1022 lines in this issue.

Topics in this special issue:

  1. Harmonica playing?
  2. Husbands and Wives
  3. Expert Witness (Pun)
  4. Ten Ways The Wizard of Oz Would Be Different If It Were Made Today
  5. Great Bumper Stickers
  6. U Might Be a cajun..AAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEEEE!!
  7. The Navy Seals of Computing
  8. The A-Z or Political Correctness (Part 3 of 26)
  9. On Chain Letters...
 10. A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
 11. Sarcastic comments and questions about contemporary life
 12. Darwin Awards
 13. <risque, may offend elderly>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 18:52:49 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Harmonica playing?

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be
stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.
A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote
her a letter.
" My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very long time.
Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in
the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive
native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not
tempted? "
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play
this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
"Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make
passionate love!"
"First let's see you play that harmonica!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 03:25:48 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Husbands and Wives

* Nothing makes a little knowledge so dangerous as assuming
  your wife doesn't know it too.
                                - - - - -

* Whenever I displayed the same strength of character at home
  as I did at work, Mrs JimJr always said I was "stubborn."
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of Mrs JimJr (I was) I think I still have the knot on
  my head from when she said, "I've changed my mind." and I said,
  "Thank Goodness !  Does it work any better at all now ?"
                                - - - - -

* I've given up trying to win any argument with Mrs JimJr.  It
  always costs me more to console her than it would if I would
  have given-in in the first place.
                                - - - - -

* Remember back in the 60's when women were first getting into
  politics.  The argument was put forth they had no experience
  in parliamentary procedure.  Wrong !  Most wives had been the
  "Speaker of the House" even back then.
                                - - - - -

* Mrs JimJr agrees that I do indeed lead a "dog's life".  The
  way she puts it though is: "He comes in with muddy feet, makes
  himself comfortable by the fire, and expects to be fed."
                                - - - - -

* Husband in movie: "Can you see, dear ?
              Wife: "Yes"
           Husband: "Is your seat comfortable ?"
              Wife: "Yes"
           Husband: "Is there a draft on you ?"
              Wife: "No"
           Husband: "Good !  Let's change seats."

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------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 00:51:35 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Expert Witness (Pun)

"Now Dr. Freudlein, you have testified that you are an expert in
forensic psychiatry."
"That is correct."
"And that you are the author of several books on serial killers."
"Yes, sir."
"What books on the subject have you written?"
"'The Sociopathology of Serial Killers' and 'One Man's Meat, The
Story Of Hannibal Lector.'"
"You conducted several interviews of the defendant, Jeffrey
Dahlmer."
"Yes, I spent approximately sixteen hours interviewing him."
"And you conducted several psychological tests on Mr. Dahlmer."
"Yes, sir."
"And what tests did you give him?"
"The Thematic Apperception Test, The Rorschach Test, The
Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory and the Milton Clinical
Multiaxial Inventory."
"And on the basis of your experience in this field, your
interviews with Mr. Dahlmer and the tests you administered, you have
come to some conclusions about Mr. Dahlmer?"
"That is correct."
"Then Dr. Freudlein, would you give the court your impression of
the defendant, Jeffrey Dahlmer."
Sir, I'm a psychiatrist, not an entertainer. . . . I do not do
impressions."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 05:18:45 -0400
From:    Junie Hoe <junchris@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: Ten Ways The Wizard of Oz Would Be Different If It Were Made Today

         Ten Ways The Wizard of Oz Would Be Different
                   If It Were Made Today

  10.  Grizzly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of
       the sky with an uzi

   9.  "Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight
       for Oz!"

   8.  Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!"

   7.  Instead of "oil," tin man moans, "Viagra."

   6.  Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for witch

   5.  It would be named "Twister II"

   4.  To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would
       actually have his brain removed

   3.  Lovable dog Toto replaced by lovable droid T.O.T.O.

   2.  "Lions and tigers and bears, oh sh**!"

   1.  New title -- "Wiz Got Game"


Presented on the May 7, 1998 of the Late Show with David Letterman

------------------------------
Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 07:39:27 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Great Bumper Stickers

"Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."

 The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.

 Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

 Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

 I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

 He who laughs last thinks slowest!

 Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

 Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 "More hay, Trigger?"  "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

 A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

 Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

 There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

 Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

 Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.

 I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

 What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?

 Assassins do it from behind.

 Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

 I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

 Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

 I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.

 Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

 Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

 Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.

 We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 10:31:04 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: U Might Be a cajun..AAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEEEE!!

-You Might be a Cajun if you consider Breaux Bridge the state capitol and
 Lafayette the nation's capitol

- You Might be a Cajun if you think the Mason-Dixon line runs through
  the  Winn Dixie in Bunkie

- You Might be a Cajun if you have never vacationed north of the old
  Mississippi River Bridge on U.S. Hwy 190

- You Might be a Cajun if you think of the coastline between Holly Beach
  and Cypermont Point as the "Cajun Riviera"

			  Seasons and Climate:

- You Might be a Cajun if  you consider the seasons of the year to be
  Winter, Spring, Summer, and Hunting

- You Might be a Cajun if you are asked to name the four seasons and
  your reply is "onions, celery, bell pepper, and garlic"

- You Might be a Cajun if you refer to Louisiana winters as "gumbo weather"

			 Sports and Past-times:

- You Might be a Cajun if you have ever used a gill net to play
  volleyball, tennis, or badminton

- You Might be a Cajun if your outboard motor has more horsepower than
  your car

- You Might be a Cajun if your boat has a higher appraised value than
  your house

- You Might be a Cajun if you use a #3 washtub to cover your lawn mower
  or outboard motor

- You Might be a Cajun if you use 2 or more pirogues to protect your
  tomatoes from a late frost

- You Might be a Cajun if after a hurricane you pray for a little rain
  shower to wash the mud off of the grass

- You Might be a Cajun if you would pass up a free trip abroad if the
  date was in conflict with the Crawfish Festival in Breaux Bridge

- You Might be a Cajun if you played your first game of Bourre while
  sitting in a high chair

		  Music, Dancing, and Entertainment:

- You Might be a Cajun if you stand when they play Jole' Blon

- You Might be a Cajun if your high school band's rendition of the
  national anthem starts with "Jambalaya, Crawfish Pie, File Gumbo"

- You Might be a Cajun if you make the sign of the cross when you pass
  by Floyd's Record Shop in Ville Platte

- You Might be a Cajun if you think the Fab Four are Doug Kershaw, Wayne
  Toups, Clifton Chenier, and Rockin Doopsie

- You Might be a Cajun if watching "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom"
  makes you hungry

- You Might be a Cajun if Fred's Lounge in Mamou means more to you than
  the Grand Ole Opry

- You Might be a Cajun if your favorite band has an accordion player and
  fiddler, but no guitarist

- You Might be a Cajun if your favorite talk show hosts are Okra Winfrey
  & Bryant Gumbo

- You Might be a Cajun if the females in your family can't dance until
  they take their shoes off

- You Might be a Cajun if you think "Baywatch" is an environmental group

- You Might be a Cajun if you think "Damn Yankees" is a play about a
  cracker from North Louisiana

			  Food and Drink:

- You Might be a Cajun if any of your dessert recipes call for jalapeno
  peppers

- You Might be a Cajun if you start making an Angel Food cake with a roux

- You Might be a Cajun if you think boudin, hog's head cheese and a Bud
  is a snack

- You Might be a Cajun if you think the four food groups are boiled
  seafood, fried seafood, broiled seafood, and beer

- You Might be a Cajun if you take one bite of 5 alarm chili and reach
  for tabasco

- You Might be a Cajun if in describing a gourmet dinner you use the
  term "deep fat fried"

- You Might be a Cajun if you describe a yard of boudin and a pound of
  cracklins as breakfast

- You Might be a Cajun if your Mama announces each morning, "Well, I've
  got the rice cooking. What are we going to have for supper?"

- You Might be a Cajun if you let your black coffee cool off and find
  that it has jelled up

- You Might be a Cajun if you think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids

- You Might be a Cajun if you think gravy is a beverage

- You Might be a Cajun if your favorite book starts with "First you make
  a roux..."

- You Might be a Cajun if you sit down to eat boiled crawfish, and your
  host tells you, "Don't eat the dead ones..." and you know what he means

- You Might be a Cajun if you have ever given up tabasco for lent

- You Might be a Cajun if you can estimate the amount of gravy required
  to cover the rice while it's still in the field

- You Might be a Cajun if you think four dozen oysters and a six pack
  constitute a 10 course meal

- You might be a Cajun if you have ever used a trash can lid for a pot
  cover

			 Faith, Family, and Friends

- You Might be a Cajun if your name ends in "-eaux" or "-oux"

- You Might be a Cajun if you have ever gone to confession to confess
  for coveting a shrimp boat

- You Might be a Cajun if you've ever passed up communion but got in the
  line for the sacramental wine

- You Might be a Cajun if you've ever greeted someone at the Lafayette
  Airport by shouting, "AAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEEEE"

- You Might be a Cajun if when your wife gives you an angry look, you
  describe it as "she passed me a pair of eyes"

- You Might be a Cajun if you don't know any of your friends' real names,
  only their nicknames

- You Might be a Cajun if you have more than one relative whose first
  name is "T" or "Boo"

- You Might be a Cajun if your wife can stir a pot of gumbo by holding
  the spoon with her toes while slicing an onion with her hands

- You Might be a Cajun if you have relatives whose first names are
  "Taunt" and "Nonc"

- You Might be a Cajun if you have a "Parrain" instead of a godfather

				 Miscellaneous:

- You Might be a Cajun if you know the difference between Zatarains,
  Zydeco, and Zeringue

- You Might be a Cajun if your dog's kennel is the bed of your pickup truck

- You Might be a Cajun if you know what an envie is, but you have never
  heard of a craving, urge, or yen

- You Might be a Cajun if you think the former head of the United
  Nations is Boudreaux-Boudreaux Guillory

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 10:29:43 -0500
From:    Karen Schloss <carroll@SUBCELLAR.MWCI.NET>
Subject: The Navy Seals of Computing

>From my good friend David Vasquez:

This was an actual posting between some of our employees:

One said:
"Being a Mac user is like being a Navy SEAL: a small, elite group of
people with access to the most sophisticated technology in the world,
who everyone calls on to get the really tough jobs done quickly
and efficiently."

The other responded:
"Being a Mac user *is* like being a SEAL: a shrinking, endangered
group of animals that bark very loudly but are harmless, who are
economically valued only when they are dead."


http://www.signpost.mwci.net/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 15:24:38 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: The A-Z or Political Correctness (Part 3 of 26)

THE A-Z OF POLITICAL CORRECT TRANSLATIONS (TODAY IS C)


CEREBRALLY DIFFERENT
        Stupid

CEREBRALLY DIFFERENT PERSON OF PHALLOCENTRIC POLARITY
        Stupid Prick

CHRONOLOGICALLY INEXPERIENCED CLIENT OF THE CORRECTIONAL SYSTEM
        Young Offender

CHRONOLOGICALLY INEXPERIENCED CLIENT OF THE CORRECTIONAL SYSTEM SKILLED
IN ARTISTIC SELF-EXPRESSION
        That c*nt of a young offender on day release who scratched his
        keys all down the side of your car

CHRONOLOGICALLY INEXPERIENCED, OBJECTIVELY ADVANTAGED AND MELANIN
ENHANCED
        Young, gifted and black

CJD
        BSE

CONSENSUAL RAPE
        Heterosexual Sex

CONVENTIONAL WORLDVIEW NON-POSSESSOR
        Crank

CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST
        Quiet person                    (Thx:Paul Benoit)

COSMESTICALLY DIFFERENT
        Paul Daniels (only funny to British people)

COVERT TACTILE SELF-STIMULATION
        Masturbation

CRANIALLY NON-VIABLE
        Dead Head

CRANIALLY ASSOCIATED MELANIN ENHANCED DERMATALOGICAL FEATURE
        Blackhead

CRUELTY FREE PRODUCTS
        Products that only hurt when you see the price tag

CULTURALLY DISPOSSESSED, ECONOMICALLY EXPLOITED, ALTERNATIVELY ODOURED
PERSONS OF DIFFERENT INTELLIGENCE
        The Working Classes

CULTURALLY DISPOSSESSED, ECONOMICALLY EXPLOITED, ALTERNATIVELY ODOURED
PERSONS OF DIFFERENT INTELLIGENCE WITHIN MASS DOMICILIARY UNITS
        Council House Estate


http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 11:22:15 -0400
From:    Mikhail M Rozhanovsky <mmrbass@JUNO.COM>
Subject: On Chain Letters...

	There are four basic types of chain letters:

Chain Letter Type I:  Make a wish!!!


Really, go on and make one wish!!!


Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!


Wish something else!!!


Not *that* either, you pervert!!


Is your finger getting tired yet?


You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!


Wasn't that fun?  Hope you made a great wish.  Now, to make you feel
guilty, here's what I'll do.  First of all, if you don't send this to a
certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, youwill be raped by a
mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true!   Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake
ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!  Here's how it goes.

Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.

10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.

20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset
with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chain Letter Type II

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter.  You see, there is
a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms,
no legs, no parents, and no pecker.  This little boy's life could be
saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be
donated to the Starving Legless Armless Parentless Peckerless
Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.  Remember, we
have no way of counting letters sent.  So go on, reach out.

Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.  Oh, and a reminder-
if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly
and a mad goat will rape your dead body.  Thanks again!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chain Letter Type III

Hi there!!  This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.
This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then
and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters.
So this is how it works. Pass this on to 1,5067 people in the next
7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday.
She had recently received this letter and ignored it.  She then
tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was
gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying
out over a waterfall.  Not only did she smell nasty, she died.
This Could Happen To You!!!

Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and
ignored it.  Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his
boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at
Oklahoma City University).  They both died and went to hell.
They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed
to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.  This Could
Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did.  Just send
this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.

Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward
this on and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the
suburbs, had 2.3 children and lived happily ever after.

Right up until he started working late every night, started an
affair with his secretary and boozing.  Then she started sleeping
with the golf pro at the local country club, became addicted to
sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs.
Then everything went to hell, and they got divorced.  She got
the house and the kids, and he got the car and child
support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment,
lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift
at the local McDonald's.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chain Letter Type IV

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.  Send it to every one
of your friends.

Friends
- A friend is someone who is always at your side,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
- A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
- A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
your
    loser life,
- A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
you
    should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
- A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets
the
    check and leaves and doesn't speak much English
    no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,

Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room
in your sleep!!

There.   Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain
letters, onto the ironic part.  In order for this to get any popularity,
send it on!!!  If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but
otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!!  If you don't, I
don't care.  Thanks!

Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore
it. TRASH IT!!!  If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't
forget to delete the chain letter part.  But if it's gonna make people
feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or
nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just
DELETE it.

Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say
NO!!! to  BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!"  Thank you.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 14:00:26 -0400
From:    Junie Hoe <junchris@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

 As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
 towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on
 products that present hazards to the general public.  Yet we must also
 offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however
 well-intentioned,  merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary
 in this important area.  This is especially true in light of the findings
 of 20th century physics.

 We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join
 together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the
 conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging
 of every product offered for sale in the United States of America.
 Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

 WARNING:  This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

 WARNING:  This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
 Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
 Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional
 to the Distance Between Them.

 CAUTION:  The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of
 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

 HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE:  This Product Contains Minute Electrically
 Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
 Miles Per Hour.

 CONSUMER NOTICE:  Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
 Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
 Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

 ADVISORY:  There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
 Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously
 Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in
 the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile.  The Manufacturer Will
 Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

 READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE:  According to Certain uggested
 Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
 Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next
 Four Hundred Million Years.

 THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT:  In the Unlikely Event That This
 Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
 Explosion Will Result.

 PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW:  Any Use of This Product, in Any
 Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
 Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is  Warned That This
 Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

 NOTE:  The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
 Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and
 Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

 ATTENTION:  Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
 Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists
 Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

 NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER:  The Manufacturer May technically
 Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the
 Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond
 Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New
 Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be  Detected.

 PLEASE NOTE:  Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
 Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
 or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

 COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE:  The Subatomic Particles Electrons,
 Protons, etc.)  Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
 Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
 and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

 HEALTH WARNING:  Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, ince
 Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative
 to the User.

 IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS:  The Entire Physical Universe,
 Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally
 Small Space.  Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence
 of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.


The above is from Volume 36, Number 1
The Journal of Irreproducible Results
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 14:06:11 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Sarcastic comments and questions about contemporary life

If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy all her friends?

I have developed a formula to determine how many slobs will bother to
calculate their Body Mass Index.

I'm going to graduate from high school in a week, and they still have
to put "Front of Cap" in the front of my mortarboard.

So Dodi's father thinks there was a CIA and British intelligence plot
to kill his son and Princess Diana. One wonders how such an idiot
could become so rich.

If Dodi's father would make a significant contribution to President
Clinton's favorite political party, I bet he could get a commission
created to investigate the conspiracy to cover up the murder Princess
Diana and her lover.

I've been watching the Kroger Grocery Store parking spaces for
pregnant women, and you'd be amazed at how many fat old men are
expecting children.

Hey McDonald's, 99 cents is a great price for your chicken biscuit,
but I'd be willing to pay $1.19 if you would add some flavor.

Recently, I called the telephone company to inquire about call waiting
service, and after being put on hold for eons, I finally understood
what it's all about: I call and I wait.

I think it is just awful how American journalists are ignoring that
poor Paula Jones.

My wife told me she had to go shopping to buy clothes to shop in.

If you don't believe in the "dumbing down" of America, you have not
taken a "package tour" lately.


Most credit to: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 15:02:23 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Darwin Awards

There were a few nominees up here that I had heard before, but this one
takes the cake:  And the winner is:

Japan Times-April 16, 1997

"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of "Pumping", a
spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this
perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."

He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had
been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.

"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the
nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a
momentary high.  This act is a sin against God."

Charnchai took it further still.  He started using a two-cylinder foot pump,
but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that
he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station.
They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.  Not
realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his
rectum, and placed a coin in the slot.

As a result, he died virtually instantly, passers-by are still in shock.

One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started
clapping.
"We still haven't located all of him.", say the police authorities.
"When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly
exploded.  It was like a bomb went off or something."
 "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan, "
Ratchasima concluded.
"Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it
cannot tempt you."

 Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin
Awards recipient!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 15:32:03 -0400
From:    Gregory Langen <glangen@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <risque, may offend elderly>

A dutiful son reluctantly decides he has to put his father in a nursing
home.  As he was leaving, he asked the floor nurse to make sure his
father was comfortable that first night and tips her generously.  The
nurse, who was both gorgeous and very dedicated to her job, checked on
the old man that night as he had just gotten into bed.  As she tucked him
in, she noticed his stiffening erection under the sheet.  Noticing his
condition, the nurse asks if the old man would like some help with it.
Having been without sex for many years, the old man quickly agrees, and
the nurse climbs aboard him and satisfied him in ways he forgot were
possible.  He fell asleep thoroughly happy and content.

The next day, his son comes to visit and is told by his father how happy
he is to be at the nursing home.  The son is ends the visit feeling
relieved that the placement is working out so well.

That night, the old man fell down as he was getting ready for bed fell
and was struggling back to his feet.  Just at that moment, a 6'4" orderly
named Buck was passing by the old man's room and noticed the old man's
naked rear end in the air as he tried to stand up.  Now Buck had recently
been released from prison and seeing the old man reminded him of some of
his favorite prison memories when someone would drop the soap, if you
know what I mean.  Buck comes into the old man's room, locks the door,
and savagely has his way with the old man's rear end.

When his son visits the next day, the old man tells him that he hates the
nursing home and wants to leave right away.  Not understanding why the
old man would love the place one day and hate it the next, the son asks
for an explanation.  The old man relates all the raptures of his first
night and the horrors of his second night.

After hearing the story, the son reflects on how difficult it was to find
a nursing home he could afford, and tells his father he must learn to
take the good with the bad.
The old man responds, "Good with the bad?  I get it up once a year - I
fall down three times a day!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Jun 1998 - Special issue
*************************************************

