HUMOR Digest - 15 Jun 1998 to 16 Jun 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 703 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Not Tonight, Dear
  2. The Dating Game
  3. How to Give Your Cat a Pill ( offensive to cat lovers )
  4. NHL Lines???  (adult)
  5. Theological Engineering Exam <off. to the religious>
  6. Bottle Water
  7. The A-Z or Political Correctness (Part 2 of 26)
  8. Dennis Miller lines <sexual innuendo>
  9. Outlandish comments & questions about contemporary life
 10. Peanuts
 11. Princess Di Jokes Part 9 (Offensive To Diana Fans)
 12. That's not a foot!! (Adult)
 13. Rejection Lines
 14. Ugliest Baby
 15. Feeling Stressed? (Not offensive)
 16. Whadda U Call? (Adult)
 17. Doctor Jokes <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 23:45:09 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Not Tonight, Dear
 
          Not Tonight Dear (a play in one act)
          by Gary Hallock
 
He:     "?"
She:    "."
He:     "!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 03:35:50 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Dating Game
 
* Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law."
  Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your
           daughter."
                           - - - - -
 
*   An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of
  flowers.  She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and
  hard.  After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.  She
  exclaimed, "Oh !  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."
    "You didn't !" he replied. "I'm going to buy ya some jewelry."
                           - - - - -
 
* Father: "I spent $45,000 on my daughter's education and you want
           to marry her on your income of $ 14,000 a year ???"
  Suitor: "Well...  look at it this way 'Dad' -- that's over a 30%
           annual return on your investment."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Some guys are just born losers.  Fellow at work was all worked
  up about this blonde he had dated twice before.  He came in one
  day and said it was all over though.  I asked why.
    He said, "Well, on our last date, we went to her apartment,
  and she turned all the lights out after dinner.  I got up and
  left, because I can take a hint as well as the next guy."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Back when I was in high school, I "went steady" with a girl
  named Carolyn.  She was a beautiful girl, smart, witty, and an
  excellent student -- in other words, not my type at all.
    Anyway, a friend asked me how come I was going steady with
  her, and I replied that she was not like a lot of the other
  girls at all.  "How's that ?" he asked.
    "Well..." I replied, "for one thing, she agreed to go steady
  with me."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 05:48:59 -0400
From:    Junie Hoe <junchris@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: How to Give Your Cat a Pill (offensive to cat lovers)
 
 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow,
    just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently,
    "That's a nice kitty."  Drop pill into its mouth.
 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
 3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down
    with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke
    pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.
   (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
 5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled
    in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold
    your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left
    elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the
    pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you
    won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
 7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a
    good cry.
 8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway?
    Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly,
    "Who's the boss here, anyway?"  Open cat's mouth, take pill
    and... Oooops!
 9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those
    flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread
    towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.
    (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man
    or woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press
    its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a
    snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 07:21:36 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: NHL Lines???  (adult)
 
Here are some hockey player pick-up lines... which, I'm sure, have
never been tried on them because they hang with a better class of
male species...
 
              The Top 16 Hockey Player Pick-Up Lines
 
16> "What do you say we drop the gloves and go at it?"
 
15> "Look, my teeth spell out 'I love you' in block letters!"
 
14> "My other stick curves to the right"
 
13> "So this guy says he hates hockey players because they have no
     tact and are easily distracted, so I...  Hey!  Babe! Wanna do
     the nasty?"
 
12> "Bagy, yrrr so beurdiffle dat I feel I can be nacheral wif
     yoo."
 
11> "You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things."
 
10> "I said, 'Would you like a PUCK?'"
 
 9> "You know, less teeth means more tongue!"
 
 8> "I may be toothless, sweaty, and all black and blue, but I make
     a mean quiche Loraine."
 
 7> "I only drool when I'm standing upright."
 
 6> "Hi, I'm Zam.  How would you like a Zamboni ride?"
 
 5> "Well if I can't score, can I get an assist?"
 
 4> "Tho... What'th your thighn?"
 
 3> "C'mon baby, the iceman cometh... but never too soon."
 
 2> "Me take you eat"
 
      and The Number 1 Hockey Player Pick-Up Line...
 
 1> "We're gonna go beat up Scott Hamilton. Wanna cum?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 14:56:18 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Theological Engineering Exam <off. to the religious>
 
          Theological Engineering Exam 1
             5 Questions, 60 Minutes
 
You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the
Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all
problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D.
No praying during the exam.
 
1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves
   each an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's
   rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?
 
2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with
   sheep S.
     a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following
        the act if the sheep was not willing?
     b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being
        willing, could not be said to mind either?
 
3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit
   be the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec.,
   traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis.
   Everything is in Cartesian co-ordinates bespeaking subscription
   to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the
   Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved?
      (Hint: Assume a point soul.)
 
4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved
   human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the
   closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will
   remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?
 
5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin
   level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of
   pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right
   about, well, pretty much everything.
     a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
     b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons.
        He ain't so damn smug now, is he?
 
Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine
undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our
Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 12:40:47 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Bottle Water
 
Until a couple of years ago, things were simple. If you got thirsty
you'd walk over to the water fountain and take a swig. Or maybe
you'd pop the top on a soda. But designer water has arrived. And
things have gotten a lot more complicated. Here with his take on
this overflow, is Bob Langford.
 
On a hot summer day, everyone is carrying around a bottle of water.
But be honest... once that designer water bottle is empty, don't
you just go to the water fountain and refill it?  There are some
who swear their lips never touch water that has come out of a
spicket. But is it the water? Or the bottle? We thought it was
time for a little experiment.
 
We took three of your more well-known waters: Evian from France,
Crystal Geyser from the mountains of California, and Triton from
Burlington, North Carolina. We poured them down the drain and
filled them up with good old standard-issue Raleigh drinking water.
 
So which "bottle" did testers like best?
 
"I like the Evian better."
"Actually this one tastes like drinking out of a stream."
"I like the Evian better. Much better."
 
So the winning "bottle" is Evian from France. Then again, you know
what Evian spelled backwards is...
 
By the way, right on the bottle, it says "Do not refill."
 
<Paul interjects, "may be HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH", I suppose...>
 
          --from Daily Humor <jwk@mindspring.com>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 15:51:38 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: The A-Z or Political Correctness (Part 2 of 26)
 
BOTANICAL FRIEND
        Houseplant
 
BOTANICAL FRIEND CONSERVATIONALIST
        Prince Charles
 
BSE
        CJD
 
BOVINE OPRESSOR
        Cowboy
 
Correction for A
 
"ALTERNATIVELY CO-ORDINATED AND RECTALLY INCLIDING INDIVIDUAL"
 
          should read
 
"ALTERNATIVELY CO-ORDINATED AND RECTALLY INCLINED INDIVIDUAL"
 
and sadly I have no way of defining "GIT"!  Sorry. Simply put, a
git is not a compliment.  (like dickhead, or tosser)
 
 
http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 11:41:25 PDT
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Dennis Miller lines <sexual innuendo>
 
- the reason a Viagra-like pill will never be developed for women
  is because they'll fake taking it.
 
- they're now looking at a replacement for Ginger Spice, who has
  left the Spice Girls to pursue a solo career.  Front runner is
  a leaf blower with big breasts.
 
          --Dennis Miller (as heard on)
            Comedy Relief 8
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 15:56:05 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Outlandish comments & questions about contemporary life
 
Are Monica and Bill dating other people now?
 
Only humans could figure out how to destroy the much-needed ozone
layer anc create one at ground level that is harmful.
 
Amnesia: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through
         labor to have sex again.
 
Cursor: What some guys do when they are mad at their wife or
        girlfriend.
 
Am I the only one who sees the malevolent ghost of Richard standing
behind Bill Clinton?
 
Who will the GOP nominate Newt Gingrich or Dan Quayle?
I'm for Elizabeth Dole. Our party needs a transfusion.
 
I don't think Ken Starr has a sex life. He's just secretly enjoys
Bill Clinton's.
 
I want to know what President Clinton was doing the two times Air
Force One disappeared from the radar screen.
 
I don't think my sociology professor loves me anymore. He gave me
an A, but he's quit calling.
 
I was watching a local news program, and the reporter said a woman
broke two of her legs in an accident. Just how many legs did she
have?
 
 
Blame: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 15:14:17 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Peanuts
 
A guy goes to visit his grandmother, and he brings his friend with
him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts
eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As
they're leaving, his friend says to the grandmother, "Thanks for
the peanuts."
 
She says, "Yes, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off of them."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 04:19:59 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Princess Di Jokes Part 9 (Offensive To Diana Fans)
 
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Diana, Princess of Wales."
"Sorry, but I don't open the door for dead people."
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Mother Theresa."
"I thought I said I don't answer the door for dead people."
"Knock Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Elvis Presley."
"Hey, let's hurry! Burger King closes in an half hour..."
 
What does world hunger and a mercedes have in common?
Diana can't stop either.
 
What's the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes?
BMW doesn't get any royalties.
 
Dodi and Diana wanted a wedding made in heaven...
 
Versace was sent up first to get the wedding gown and decorative
preparations done for the occasion;
Then D & D went on together;
Mother Teresa went next to bless the couple;
An invitation was sent to Elton John to sing at the service but
somehow it was misdirected and went to John Denver instead...
 
Whats the difference between Princess Di and a blade of grass?
About 6 feet.
 
By the way, how many paparazzi does it take to screw in a
     lightbulb?
None. They're too busy taking pictures.
 
What does DODI stand for?
Died on direct impact
 
What is the new perfume named after Di?
Impact
 
Whats the diffirence between Diana an Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls, Diana can't
 
Did you hear about Elton John's new album featuring 'Candle in the
     Wind?
They decided not to call it 'Live in Paris'.
 
Whats the similarities between a broken arm and Princess Di?
You need to get a doctor in to remove the plaster of paris.
 
One of the paparazzi managed to get a last quote from Di after the
accident but is unable to release it publicly because of the ban...
All he could say was that she really needed to get something off
her chest.
 
Why was Princess Diana's car going so fast.
She was late for her flying lesson with John Denver.
 
Whats the difference between 39pence and Princess Di?
Its easier to scrape together 39pence.
 
Would Diana have been buried if she had been married to Dodi?
No, she would then have been mummy-Fied.
 
Why is Di like a moblie phone?
They both die in tunnels!!
 
...so St. Peter says to Diana, "other than that, how was Paris?"
 
What do Lady Di and the Beatles have in common?
They both made quite an impact over in Europe.
 
Doesn't it drive you up the wall to see so many Princess Diana
     jokes?
Makes ya want to go get drunk and drive into a post, doesn't it.
 
What's the difference between those who get offended by Princess
     Diana jokes and a puppy?
The puppy eventually stops whining.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 02:04:52 +0300
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: That's not a foot!! (Adult)
 
The drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office, mistaking it for a
whorehouse.
 
The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen
and stick it out.  So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen,
dropped his pants, and stuck his dick through the screen.
 
The nurse walked over, shrieked, & dropped her tray of instruments.
"That's not a foot!" she screamed.
 
The drunk replied, "Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a
minimum!!"
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 19:11:58 -0400
From:    Gregory Langen <glangen@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Rejection Lines
 
               Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Women
                   (and what they actually mean)
 
10. I think of you as a brother..
    (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek
     in"Deliverance.")
 
 9. There's a slight difference in our ages..
     (I don't want to do my dad)
 
 8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way..
     (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
 
 7.  My life is too complicated right now..
     (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may
      hear phone calls  from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
 
 6. I've got a boyfriend...
    (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..
 
 5. I don't date men where I work...
    (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system',
     much less the same building.)
 
 4. It's not you, it's me...
    (It's you.)
 
 3.  I'm concentrating on my career...
     (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better
      than dating you.)
 
 2. I'm celibate...
    (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
 
 1. Let's be friends...
    (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating
     detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's
     that male perspective thing.)
                    - - - - - - - - - - -
 
               Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men
                  (and what they actually mean)
 
 10. I think of you as a sister.
     (You're ugly.)
 
  9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
     (You're ugly.)
 
 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
    (You're ugly.)
 
 7. My life is too complicated right now.
    (You're ugly.)
 
 6. I've got a girlfriend.
    (You're ugly.)
 
 5. I don't date women where I work.
    (You're ugly.)
 
 4. It's not you, it's me.
    (You're ugly.)
 
 3. I'm concentrating on my career.
    (You're ugly.)
 
 2. I'm celibate.
    (You're ugly.)
 
 1. Let's be friends.
    (You're sinfully ugly.)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 19:34:12 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ugliest Baby
 
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's
the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her
fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the
bus.
 
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked
her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
 
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
 
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give
him a piece of my mind."
 
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 20:33:03 -5
From:    Mike Kidulich <mjkid@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Feeling Stressed? (Not offensive)
 
Picture yourself near a stream.
 
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
 
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world".
The smoothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with
a cascade of serenity. The water is crystal clear.
 
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head
you're holding under the water.
 
There now... Feeling better?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 21:07:44 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Whadda U Call? (Adult)
 
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
 
S&M&M
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Jun 1998 11:35:36 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Doctor Jokes <clean>
 
Patient: Doctor, I tend to get fat in certain places.
         What should I do?
Doctor : Keep away from those places.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Doctor : How were those pills I prescribed to improve your memory?
Patient: I forgot to take them!
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
A man walked into a doctor's office with his suit ripped and his
arms and face bleeding.
 
The nurse took one look at him and asked, "Have an accident?"
The man replied, "No thanks, I already had one."
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Patient: Doctor, something is wrong with me.  I keep thinking
         I'm a frog.
Doctor : How long has this been going on?
Patient: Since I was a tadpole.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Patient:  I feel funny, doctor; what shall I do?
Doctor:  Go on television as a comedian.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
I think it's only fair that a doctor who prescribes a placebo
should be paid with counterfeit money.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Jun 1998 to 16 Jun 1998
************************************************
 
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