HUMOR Digest - 14 Jun 1998 to 15 Jun 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 675 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Princess Di Jokes Part 8
     (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
  2. Airline Hazard (Pun)
  3. Mrs JimJr at Large
  4. Primate Committee
  5. The A-Z of Political Correctness (Part 1 of 26)
  6. Diary of a mad Viagra Housewife(Adult)
  7. CBN, TWC Form Joint Venture (satire)
  8. "Pregnant Woman Gets Shot"
  9. Elephant Jokes
 10. Dutch riding <adult reference>
 11. Come out, Come out...
 12. The American Flag (insp)
 13. The Origin Of The Middle Finger <adultish..>
 
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Date:    Sat, 13 Jun 1998 10:43:39 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Princess Di Jokes Part 8
         (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
 
What's the difference between Princess Di and Henri Paul?
One had Royal Crowns the other had Crown Royals.
 
Did you hear that Diana had Blue eyes?
Yep, one blew out the left window and the other out the right
     window.
 
What did Di and Mother Theresa have in common?
They were both chaste/chased.
 
What does DODI stand for?
Died Of Driver Intoxication.
 
What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and Princess Di?
The Bears don't die until after they come out of the tunnel!
 
Was Princess Diana crazy that night?
No, but she was nearly in Seine.
 
What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in
     common?
They both came from France in a wooden box.
 
Elton John is now writing his next song about himself...
It's called "Like a Gerbil in the Wind."
 
Why didn't the capsized Haitian boat that drowned 300 people make
     big news for more than a day?
It was discovered that none of them on board was a princess.
 
What are the paparazzi charged with at the scene of the crime?
Ma'am slaughter.
 
Princess Diana was once a kindergarten teacher?
Now she's history.
 
If you throw Kitty Kelley's new book about Princess Diana out of a
car window, does it become Kitty litter?
 
Princess Diana was found to be the favorite royal in a recent pole.
 
Its a good thing Gianni Versace died first...
The news of Dianna's death would have killed him.
 
Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing
     match.
It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.
 
Why did the Princess cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
 
What's on the "B" side of Candle in the Wind?
Crash, Bang, Wallop what a picture!
 
Did you know that Princess Diana had AIDS?
   - Automobile Impacted Diana Spencer
   - Another Idiot Driver Smashed
 
If Teddy Kennedy was driving, they would have taken the bridge.
 
With Mother Teresa also dying it's...
Catholics one, Protestants one.
 
They found a new job for Harald Junke.
As a Driver at the Paris Rytz
 
Bad news for Princess Diana's Bulemia...
She's losing weight again!
 
Bill Gates was dissapointed to hear how Diana died...
Her Crashes affect more people than his.
 
What does Di and Freddie Mercury have in common?
Both had to die to get away from Queen.
 
When is a princess not a princess?
When she turns into a pole.
 
What's Diana's newest title?
The Lady in Red.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 00:58:23 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Airline Hazard (Pun)
 
The Toilet tanks on commercial airlines often leak. This results
in the formation of deposits of blue ice on the fuselage. The ice
is composed of feces, urine and blue-liquid disinfectant. Now,
occasionally, when a plane must descend very rapidly from a great
height, as in the Rockies, chunks of blue ice ranging up to two
hundred pounds can, and do, break off and shell the countryside.
 
I have seen a UPI wirephoto of an apartment in Denver that was
demolished by a fifty-pound chunk of blue ice. The airline bought
the occupants a house. Neither was hurt, and for a while, until it
began to melt, they were actually grateful for the coolness the
bolus provided. It was summer, you see, and the impact had
destroyed their electric fan.
 
So even if you live where there are no strategic military targets,
you can still be attacked by... an icy B. M.
 
          --by Spider Robinson
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 04:15:50 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Mrs JimJr at Large
 
*   The doorman at a hotel where we were saying told Mrs JimJr that
  I always tipped more than she did.
    Without a pause, she said, "That's because he has a wife who is
  thrifty and saves money.  I haven't."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Mrs JimJr and I once visited the Tower of London.  She still
  talks about the affable Briton who approached us with the remark
  "You're Americans, aren't you ?  I thought so from your accent."
    After he was out of earshot, she fumed, "The nerve of that guy,
  HE was the one with the accent !"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Again, while in London, we were walking along when the music of
  some wonderful chimes from a near-by Cathedral were playing. I
  said, "Aren't those chimes beautiful ?"  Receiving no answer, I
  asked again.
    Mrs JimJr said, "I can't hear you.  Those pesky bells are
  making way too much noise."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Once on a cruise I was truly honored to be asked to sit at the
  Captain's table the first nite out.
    The ever practical Mrs JimJr was insulted however.  She said,
  "What ???  As much money as all this is costing us and we have to
  eat dinner with the crew ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   At Hilton Head Island, Mrs JimJr and I made friends with
  another couple after a few sets of tennis.  The woman suggested
  dinner and Mrs JimJr named a restaurant.  The lady said that they
  had already dined there and if we wouldn't mind, could we eat
  somewhere else.
    Mrs JimJr replied, "Of course.  I understand completely, I
  don't like to leave large tips either."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 10:08:45 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Primate Committee
 
               Primate Committee Thinking Experiment
 
Start with a cage containing five apes.  In the cage, hang a banana
on a string and put stairs under it.  Before long, an ape will go
to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.  As soon as he
touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.  After a
while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the
apes are sprayed with cold water.
 
Turn off the cold water.
 
If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes
will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
 
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.  To his
horror, all of the other apes attack him.  After another attempt
and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will
be assaulted.
 
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with
a new one.
 
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.  The previous
Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
 
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one.  The new one
makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
 
Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the
beating of the newest ape.
 
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes
which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.  Why not?
 
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
 
Sound familiar?
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 15:14:30 +0100
From:    Ian Harris <I.C.Harris@BTINTERNET.COM>
Subject: The A-Z of Political Correctness (Part 1 of 26)
 
ACCESS CONTROL SUPERVISORY TECHNICIAN
        Bouncer
 
ACUTELY OPTICALLY INCONVENIENCED
        Blind as a bat
 
ACUTELY OPTICALLY AND CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
        Blind drunk
 
ALTERNATIVELY BODILY IMAGED
        Lard Arse
 
ALTERNATIVELY ACQUIRED
        Nicked
 
ALTERNATIVELY LIVING
        Dead
 
ALTERNATIVELY CO-ORDINATED
        Clumsy
 
ALTERNATIVELY CO-ORDINATED AND RECTALLY INCLIDING INDIVIDUAL
        Clumsy Arse
 
ALTERNATIVELY EDUCATED
        Illiterate
 
ALTERNATIVELY INTERESTING
        Boring Git
 
ALTERNATIVE VIEW DISSEMINATION SPECIALIST
        London Cabbie
 
AQUA TECHNICIAN WITH BOVINE OPPRESSIVE TENDENCIES
        Plumber
 
ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
        Liberalese for "Maladjusted Little Thug"
 
 
http://listen.to/ian_and_paul_show
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 10:02:53 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Diary of a mad Viagra Housewife(Adult)
 
Dear Diary:
 
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to
celebrate.  When it came time to re-enact our wedding night,
HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
 
Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he
says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he
tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break.  He's
been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
 
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw
a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
 
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will
fix his er...  "problem."  It's called Viagra. I told him that if
he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding
night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join
us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the
Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)
 
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended).
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a
Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER
YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!
 
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of
mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
 
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much.
To make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard
Cider!  The photo of Janet Reno isn't working.
What am I going to do?
 
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning
blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet,
and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
 
Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with
Black and Decker.
 
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep
saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!
 
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my
eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud
missile.  Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100
days.
 
Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even
started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs
his motor.
 
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to:
stiff.  With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.  Argh!
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 10:27:43 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: CBN, TWC Form Joint Venture (satire)
 
(WASHINGTON, JRI) - Pat Robertson, candidate for the 1988
Republican presidential nomination announced plans for "Hostile
Climate," a joint venture between his Christian Broadcasting
Network & The Weather Channel. Earlier in the week, Robertson said
on television: "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way
of some serious hurricanes and I don't think I'd be waving those
flags in God's face if I were you,'' referring to rainbow-colored
gay pride flags flying from city lampposts in June for Gay Pride
Month. The twice-daily weather segment will feature Robertson's
forecast for various Bound-For-Hell populations segments, including
the popular "Fire and Brimstone" warnings and watches.
 
"We'll be using a powerful new CBN-developed Gaydar to detect the
movement and flow of homosheksheeeuls across the nation," beamed
an increasingly-insane Robertson. Robertson claims to have learned
all he needs to know about the subject at the "Americn Hetero-ology
Institute," an organization which he claims accredits "non-queer
weathermen." The segment debuts in the fall.
 
 
Source: http://www.wirecom.com/jim
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 15:37:51 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: "Pregnant Woman Gets Shot"
 
A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first
available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and
she is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the
hospital where she gets fixed up. As she leaves she asks the
doctor about her baby.
 
The doctor says, "You're going to have triplets. They're fine but
each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the
bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
 
As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and
says, "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing".
 
Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I
passed a bullet into the toilet". The woman comforts her and
explains all about the incident at the bank.
 
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears
streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing". The
mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet,
right?".
 
The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes. How did
you know?". The mother comforts her child and explains about the
incident at the bank.
 
A month later her son comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very
bad thing".
 
The mother says, "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?".
 
The son replies, "No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 17:19:14 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Elephant Jokes
 
Q: What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
 
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
 
Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.
 
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
 
Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats?
A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.
 
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
 
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream: "OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO!!!"
 
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly, there is only one Tarzan!
 
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the
   jungle?
A: Tarzans fridge is not large enough to hold them all.
 
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
 
Q. What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A. Optimistic!
 
Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A. Free Parking.
 
Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A. Sole use of the elevator.
 
Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: It doesn't, you get down from a duck.
 
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.
 
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
 
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
 
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
 
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
 
Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over
   the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
 
Q: What did he say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on,
   coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
 
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.
 
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
 
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
 
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work then.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 19:01:59 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dutch riding <adult reference>
 
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back
streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards
dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two
girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and
says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
 
The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Jun 1998 01:10:47 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Come out, Come out...
 
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue
a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing
ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out & give himself up.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 00:01:58 -0400
From:    Junie Hoe <junchris@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: The American Flag (insp)
  
     [Message deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Jun 1998 09:43:18 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Origin Of The Middle Finger <adultish..>
 
          The Historical Origin of the Middle Finger
 
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of
all captured English soldiers.  Without the middle finger, it would
be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be
incapable of fighting in the future.
 
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the
act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to
the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the
defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!  PLUCK YEW!"
 
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
symbolic gesture.  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say
(like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to
go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the
difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed
to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in
conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to
have something to do with an intimate encounter.
 
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Jun 1998 to 15 Jun 1998
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