HUMOR Digest - 13 Jun 1998 to 14 Jun 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 355 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Noting Your Wife's Infidelity (Adult)
  2. Taxes
  3. The Will (Pun)
  4. Real-Life Idiots
  5. EuroEnglish
  6. Just Keep It Wet <Adult>
  7. Princess Di Jokes Part 7
     (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
 
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Date:    Sat, 13 Jun 1998 01:42:21 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Noting Your Wife's Infidelity (Adult)
 
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less
than faithful.  He hired a private investigator to follow her and
in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the
"other man".
 
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and
trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being
a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what
he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
 
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
 
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you
have been carrying on an affair with my wife.  So that we may
settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my
office at 3 PM on Friday next.
 
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner
and sent the following reply:
 
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning.
You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference
in your office's auditorium.
 
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Date:    Sat, 13 Jun 1998 03:36:06 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Taxes
 
* This year in the US, there were 7 different ways to file your
  income taxes.  Unfortunately, all of them were wrong.
                           - - - - -
 
* One old adage sez the only things certain in life are death &
  taxes,  Unfortunately though, they don't come in that order.
                           - - - - -
 
* Seems to me the only possible fair tax structure is one that
  allows everyone to cheat evenly.
                           - - - - -
 
* With the quality of education declining in the US, and even
  colleges turning out semi-literate idiots, I understand the
  IRS is considering a new simplified tax form where all you
  have to do is color it in.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Once a tax auditor came directly to my house.  My son answered
  the door and yelled to Mrs JimJr, "Ma, it's the tax man."
    She replied, "Well, give him a chair."
    He said, "If that's not enuff, should I give him the TV too ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* I remember vividly the first time I heard the teacher use
  the word "syntax" in English Class.  Naturally, y'all know
  it refers to the structure of a sentence.  But just imagine
  being a teenager and thinking that you had just learned that
  there was a tax on sin.  I mean, I could hardly afford gas
  for my car as it was.
                           - - - - -
 
* Alright you economists out there, explain this one to me. The
  other day in the newspaper were two separate articles in the
  financial section.  One stated that the US dollar is now worth
  about 30 cents.  The other article, dealing with taxes, said
  that 46 cents of every American's income dollar goes to taxes.
  No wonder I'm in the red every month !
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 13 Jun 1998 02:13:13 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Will (Pun)
 
Bjorn Swensen opened his mailbox to find a letter from a law firm.
Since the young man could not remember doing anything worthy of a
lawsuit and as he was too desperately poor to be worth suing, he
opened the envelope. Inside, he found notification that his Uncle
Juan had died, and the will mentioned Bjorn.
 
The will stipulated that if Bjorn changed his name and became old
Juan's namesake, he would inherit millions. The young man was
stymied.
 
He was already named after an uncle who he loved and respected.
 
Bjorn went to his loving girlfriend, and the two tried to decide
what was the moral, ethical and sane thing to do. Together, they
went to a judge to find out if a name change could be temporary,
and discovered it could. The young man decided he would temporarily
become "Juan."
 
The judge officiated the name change, and that evening the young
man and his love went to dinner with her parents, whom he had never
met. She introduced the young man to her mother and father, who
seemed puzzled to be meeting "Juan," instead of the Bjorn they had
heard so much about.
 
"Don't worry," his girlfriend explained quickly... "He was Bjorn
yesterday, and he'll be Bjorn again next week."
 
Her father replied, "Well, at least it was good that they made
him keep the name for a week I'd hate to think that there was...
Juan Bjorn every minute!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 13 Jun 1998 07:12:47 -0500
From:    Karen Schloss <carroll@SUBCELLAR.MWCI.NET>
Subject: Real-Life Idiots
 
I know for a fact that the following examples of idiocy are
true, because I myself was witness to their occurance.
 
In 1989, I was working in a state office in Kansas.  It was right
after the 1988 George Bush Presidential campaign.  Well, one day we
had been talking about pork rinds (if you'll remember, George Bush
was a great fan of the greasy snack food at the time), and our
supervisor brought in a big bag.  My deskmate was chowing into them
like there was no tomorrow.  I said, "Gee, I guess you really like
Bush's favorite snack!"
 
She responded, "Bush who?"
 
I said, "*George* Bush, Gina!"
 
She said, "Who's he?  Does he work here?" <rolling eyes>  Of
course, George Bush was the President of the United States by this
time...
 
Same office, a few months later.  There was an article in the
newspaper during the summer of 1989 decrying the fact that United
States high school seniors had a very poor knowledge of geography.
I was reading the newspaper in the break room, in the presence of
another co-worker of mine.  The column in the paper stated that
some huge percent (60%??  80%??) of graduating seniors couldn't
name the two countries that bordered the United States.  I turned
to my co-worker and said, "Oh, this is ludicrous!  *You* know which
countries border the United States, don't you?"
 
My co-worker responded, "Well, *yah*, duh!  To the north it's
Canada, and to the south, it's the *ocean*!"  <rolling eyes>
 
Okay, the last straw before I finally quit the job to stay home and
raise babies and hang out with *intelligent* and *educated* people
 
In the fall of 1989, 1960s US protestor and political activist
Abbie Hoffmann killed himself.  I was listening to National Public
Radio on my headset when I heard the news, and I said aloud, and a
little sadly, "Aw.  Abbie Hoffmann is dead."
 
 My deskmate chittered, "Oh really??  Who's she?"
 
<bonk>
 
 
http://www.signpost.mwci.net/

------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 13 Jun 1998 10:58:20 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: EuroEnglish
 
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be
known as "EuroEnglish".
 
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this
will make the sivil sevants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and
keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
 
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make
words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.  In the 3rd year, publik
akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage
where more komplikated changes are possible.
 
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is
disgracful, and they should go away.
 
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
 
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.  After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
 
ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 13 Jun 1998 10:08:47 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Just Keep It Wet <Adult>
 
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.  The pastor came to call on her one afternoon
early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
 
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut
glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water.  In the water
floated,  of all things, a condom.
 
Imagine his shock and surprise.  Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss
Bea had flipped!  But he certainly couldn't mention the strange
sight in her parlor.
 
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat.  The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange
floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no
longer.  "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this."  Pointing to the bowl.
 
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful!  I was walking down
town last fall and I found this little package.  It said to put
it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.
And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all
winter!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 13 Jun 1998 05:39:37 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Princess Di Jokes Part 7
         (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
 
What was Princess Diana's last dessert dish?
A turnover.
 
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
 
Why don't you want to buy golf clubs at Harrods?
Their drivers suck.
 
What was the last thing Dodi said to Di?
"You look smashing!"
 
What did the mortuary assistant say as he unzipped the body bag?
"Zippady Dodi, zippady Di!"
 
Whats the difference between George Best and the driver of the car?
George Best can still take corners when he's mad.
 
I guess it was true, princess Di did have her Eye on that arabic
     guy.
 
What were Diana's last words to the paparazzi?
No photos. I'm a bloody mess.
 
What's the difference between Ramsey Street and Prince Charles?
One has a Mrs Mangle, the other has a Mangled Mrs.
 
What does Princess Diana's bumper sticker say?
My other car's a decoy.
 
The paparazzi asked Prince Charles if he has had sex since
     divorcing Diana.
He replied, "infrequently." The paparazzi responded by saying,
     "Is that one word or two?"
 
Who attended the recent Diana gowns auction at Christies?
Michael Jackson. He asked "how much for her bones."
 
Have you heard about the Princess Diana computer virus?
Your computer speeds up, your driver runs into a post processor,
     and your hard drive crashes.
 
What kind of battery did the Mercedes have?
A DI HARD.
 
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?
Princess Diana never became a queen of England.
 
If Princess Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found
on the dashboard?
 
Apparently the chauffeur wasn't the only legless person in the car.
 
Bearing in mind the driver was pissed out of his head, Diana's
family should forget trying to sue the paparazzi... they haven't
got a leg to stand on.
 
Apparently, Diana had a pizza in the Ritz before the fatal journey
The silly girl asked for extra paparazzi.
 
What sound did the ambulance make?
.....Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi....
 
What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi?
Leeches fall off after you die.
 
How did The Royal Family stop the paparazzi from visiting Diana's
     grave?
By placing Land mines around it.
 
Why did dianna and charles get divorced?
They had a fight over who wore the skirt in the family.
 
What was the first question the paramedics had when they reached
     the crash site?
Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
 
In light of the recent death, OJ is now saying the paparazzi did
it.
 
What was Princess Diana wearing the night of the crash?
Crushed velvet.
 
What's the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?
Taxi.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Jun 1998 to 14 Jun 1998
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