HUMOR Digest - 12 Jun 1998 to 13 Jun 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 651 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Gold Standard (Feghoot Pun)
  2. Viagra in Hong Kong
  3. Vacation Planning
  4. Sherlock Holmes & Watson (not offensive) & Idahoan Drivers
     (offensive to Idahoans who've lost their funny bone)
  5. The Universal Grade Change Form
  6. Numerology & The World Cup <clean & prophetic>
  7. Catholic school <perhaps offensive to Catholics>
  8. MicroSoft Rrdefines Comic Strips!
  9. MicroTest (adult)
 10. Vacations
 11. Rodney Dangerfields Best One Liners (adult)
 12. You Have the Right to Remain Stupid
 
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Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 23:02:25 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Gold Standard (Feghoot Pun)
 
When the Galactic Senate announced, in 2366, that all planets
would vote on whether or not to abandon the silver standard, no one
was as alarmed as W. J. Bryan Rothchield of New Comstock, a world
known as the financial hub of the universe. He at once summoned
Ferdinand Feghoot.
 
"Please save me!" he wept. 'My financial empire is based entirely
on silver. If we go over to gold, I_who have arranged half the
loans in the galaxy_will be ruined. My signature will never again
appear on writ, contract, or even promissory note! Never will I
have another occasion to write it. Oh, Ferdinand, it is too
terrible to contemplate!"
 
Feghoot agreed to assist him, and he spent weeks making speeches,
writing articles lobbying, and touring the back-planets. At the
last moment, he returned to watch the results in Rothchild's
company. They left no doubt as to his effectiveness. Gold was
defeated by fourteen to one.
 
"Saved!" shouted Rothchild, hastily scribbling a check in six
figures. "Feghoot, I can hardly believe it_you have triumphed once
more!"
 
Hi-yo!" replied Feghoot as he took his departure... "This
silver ballot means that the Lone Arranger writes again!'
 
     --by Thomas C. Gutheil, M. D.
       based on a character by Grendel Briarton.
 
Winner of a Feghoot contest sponsored by
Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction in 1973
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 14:31:28 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: Viagra in Hong Kong
 
SCMP newspaper report in Hong Kong:
 
In a swindle people in Hong Kong are being invited to apply to act
as testers for Viagra (not yet licensed here) by phoning a number
for which they are then charged international rates. No such
clinical trials exist.
 
The headline reads:  Phoney Viagra line stiffs callers
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 04:15:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Vacation Planning
 
* For those of us in the US, it's time to start planning our summer
  vacations.  Although you can't shoot them any more, you can still
  get a thrill by photographing animals in the wild.  The last time
  I was in Africa though, I got a double hernia from carrying
  around the stupid rhino decoys.
                           - - - - -
 
* Hawaii is also a possibility, assuming one can afford it.  The
  last time I was there, I got a terrific tan.  Near as I can
  figure, it cost me approximately $65 a square inch.
                           - - - - -
 
* Japan is another spot worth considering.  Be careful in the
  cities though.  They all drive sub-compacts.  It's been over ten
  years since any American pedestrian was hit above the waist.
                           - - - - -
 
* If you can't stand hot dry air, I'd avoid any country that's
  mostly desert.  At most funerals, they have to prime the
  mourners.  They still do baptisms, but have to use a damp cloth.
                           - - - - -
 
* In India, it's not uncommon to see people praying in the streets.
  While we have the same thing in the US, it's pedestrians
  crossing.
                           - - - - -
  
* Mexico is famous for all its festivals.  I went down there once
  for the annual Kaopectate Festival.
                           - - - - -
 
* Once in Paris I told Mrs JimJr that I'd been there four days and
  hadn't been to the Louvre yet.  She replied, "Don't worry, maybe
  it's just the water."
                           - - - - -
 
* But if ya can't get away for a vacation, just tip every third
  person you see.  It'll be about the same.
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 08:43:28 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Sherlock Holmes & Watson (not offensive) & Idahoan Drivers
         (offensive to Idahoans who've lost their funny bone)
 
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking
trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the
sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
 
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
 
"And what does that mean to you?"
 
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow.
What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
 
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
               +------------------------+
 
Driving With Directionals (or How To Drive in Idaho)
 
  * Signal only when you feel like it.
 
  * If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they
    blink only once, then turn them off.
 
  * Signal only after you change lanes.
 
  * When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional
    is blinking at  all times.
 
  * Signal as you approach a curve in the road.
 
  * If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.
 
  * If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.
 
  * When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down.
    When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn
    off the signal and go straight.
 
  * When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately
    6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you
    approach them.
 
  * Always apply your brakes way before you signal.
 
  * When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light
    to turn green before you turn on your signal.
 
  * Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to
    use your signals.
 
  * If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use
    your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side
    window.
 
          -- from Teresa Carrigan
             via RELHU
             originally Kitty's Daily News
             via HAND!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 07:33:47 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Universal Grade Change Form
 
                 Universal Grade Change Form
 
                 ____________________University
 
 To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________
 
 I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
 changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
 
 
 ____  1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than
          I did.
 
 ____  2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than
          I did.
 
 ____  3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I
          won't get into:
            ___ Law School              ___ Graduate School
            ___ Medical School          ___ Fraternity/Sorority
            ___ Dental School           ___ Tri County Tech
            ___ The Mickey Mouse Club
 
 ____  4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
          _______________.
 
 ____  5. I'll lose my scholarship.
 
 ____  6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find
          a copy of your exam.
 
 ____  7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
          did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
 
 ____  8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
          little fact.
 
 ____  9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
          asked about general principles.
 
 ____ 10. You are prejudiced against:
          ___ Males         ___ Jews         ___ Blacks
          ___ Females       ___ Catholics    ___ Whites
          ___ Protestants   ___ Moslems      ___ Minorities
          ___ Chicanos      ___ People       ___ Students
 
 ____ 11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
          at least cut my allowance.
 
 ____ 12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
          following illness:
          ___ mono                  ___ broken baby finger
          ___ acute alcoholism
          ___ extreme allergies due to el Nino
 
 ____ 13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us
          exactly how you wanted that done.
 
 ____ 14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
 
 ____ 15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
 
 ____ 16. The lectures were:
          ___ too detailed to pick out important points
          ___ not explained in sufficient detail
          ___ too boring
          ___ all jokes and not enough material
          ___ all of the above
 
 ____ 17. This course was:
          ___ too early, I was not awake.
          ___ at lunchtime, I was hungry
          ___ too late, I was tired
 
 ____ 18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
          (book, notes, paper) for this course.
 
 ____ 19. Other_____________________________________________
               _____________________________________________
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 14:34:11 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Numerology & The World Cup <clean & prophetic>
 
Italy won the World cup in 1938
Before they won it in 1982
Add 1938 and 1982, it equals 3920
 
My brother-in-law, who plays midfielder in the Seniors' team of our
Parish, is 44-years old.
Add 3920 and 44, it equals 3964.
 
IT'S UNCANNY!!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 09:47:19 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Catholic school <perhaps offensive to Catholics>
 
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in
short, everything that they could think of. Finally, in a last
ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local
Catholic School.
 
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious
look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he
goes straight to his room and starts studying.  Books and paper are
spread out all over the room & Little Tommy is hard at work.
 
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock,
the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word.
In no time he's back hitting the books as hard as before.
 
This goes on for some time, day after day, while the Mother tries
to understand what made all the difference.
 
Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays
it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books. With
great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little
Tommy got an A in math.
 
She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says:
"Son, what was it? Was it the Nuns?"
 
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
 
"Well then," she replies "was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms, What was it??"
 
Little Tommy looks at her and says "Well, on the first day of
school, when I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign,  I knew they
weren't fooling around."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 10:18:54 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: MicroSoft Redefines Comic Strips!
 
Microsoft is at it again!  All my life, when I read comics, I
thought he "zzzz" in those little balloons indicated someone was
sleeping! Boy, did I miss the boat, and it took me all these years
to figure it out!  All that wasted time!
 
With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the light
bulb by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen
the light.  Now, I finally know what all those "sleeping" people in
those comics had on their minds!

If you want to see what I'm babbling about, start your Microsoft
Word, type in "zzzz" (4 z's without the quotes, of course) and hit
the spell check.  Now you too can be enlightened.
 
 
For those without MicroSoft Word, the spell checker cannot find
 "zzzz" and suggests "sex" as a replacement.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 10:56:49 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: MicroTest (adult)
 
Open a new document in Word - type:  Unable to follow directions
 
Highlight the entire sentence and select Thesaurus
from the Tools menu or hit Shift F7.
 
The thesaurus gives you a choice of an alternate phrase:
 
              "unable to have an erection"
 
I think it comes from Bill Gates' personal thesaurus (MicroSOFT)
 

------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 08:44:44 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Vacations
 
     A Really Good Vacation has to be an "Adventure"
 
Are you tired of the usual vacation to somewhere like Disneyworld
or Hawaii?  A really good vacation has to be an "adventure".
 
What is an "adventure"?  It is when things go so wrong on a trip
that the story you get to tell about what happened is much better
than the actual experience.  Like, after you get lost, your rented
car breaks down, it starts raining, no one speaks English, you
really need a ride to the airport 500 miles away, and you hitch a
ride on a bottle truck... that's when the "adventure" starts.
 
Shark Fishing off the Florida Keys:
For a few hundred dollars (no American Express), you can rent a
tiny little boat and fish for really big sharks with a hand line.
You hook a shark.  It must be a big shark.  A mean shark.  Bigger
than the boat.  Then a hurricane comes.  A big hurricane.  You
fight your way back to land.  For a few dollars more, you can get
another boat and crew who will videotape your Hemmingway-esq battle
with the "fish".
 
Hunting for a Parking Space in a Parking
Garage in Los Angeles Driving a Suburban:
The Quest makes for a very interesting adventure, but Monty Python
has already found the Holy Grail.  The typical suburban is 6 feet 8
inches tall, and the typical parking garage in L.A. has 6 feet of
clearance.  This is why Angelenos drive small cars.  Spend days
wandering about the city, searching for a place to park.  Hint,
there is one.
 
Take a Cab from Tepic to San Blas, Mexico:
Tepic is high in the mountains, and San Blas is about 12,000 feet
down a narrow, twisty mountain road.  Mexican cab drivers like to
drive very fast.  Notice the crucifix hanging from the rear view
mirror.  If you aren't religious when the trip starts, you will be
praying when it ends.
 
Walk 500 Miles from Phoenix to Los Angeles in July:
People actually used to do this.  Bring lots of water.
 
Ride a Train in Mexico:
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have ridden a train
in the 1930's?  The very same passenger cars are running on the
Mexican railroads.  A favorite trip is from Nogales, Sonora to
Guadalajara.  What makes this trip an adventure is that often, when
the train stops in Mazatlan to be reconfigured, they forget a few
of the cars and leave them behind on the tracks.
 
Fly America West Airlines:
America West flies out of Phoenix, and is cheap.  But, schedules?
They don't have no stinking schedules.
 
Watch your Government in Action:
Go to any state capital (or if you are really brave, to Washington,
D.C.) and watch your legislature in action.  It is more of an
adventure if you find out where all the people in suits are
standing around buying and selling your government.  Not for young
children.
 
Go Anywhere the State Department says not to:
If you don't mind being shot at, or kidnapped, the US State
Department has a list for you.
 
 
Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper
http://www.bandersnatch.com/
Copyright 1998 by Baja Arizona Publishing Company Frumious
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 12:42:56 -0700
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Rodney Dangerfields Best One Liners (adult) (fwd)
 
A girl phoned me the other day and said ...
Come on over, there's nobody home.
I went over.   Nobody was home.
 
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
 
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy...
I'd have nothing to play with.
 
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
 
One day as I came home early from work...
I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy... Hey buddy... why are you doing that for?
He said... Because you came home early.
 
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
 
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
 
I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
 
My mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
 
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
wallet.
 
When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but
he pulled through.  My mother had morning sickness after I was
born.
 
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to
my father. He said he wanted more proof.
 
Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him... do you think we'll ever find
them?  He said... I don't know kid... there are so many places
they can hide.
 
On Halloween... the parents send their kids out looking like me.
Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off!
Now its different... when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
 
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
 
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
 
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with
me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
 
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
I told him... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.
He said... Alright... you're ugly too!
 
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...
turned me over and said. Look... twins!
 
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 18:46:46 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: You Have the Right to Remain Stupid
 
Newark: A women was reporting her call stolen and mentioned there
was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the
phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read an as in the
newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the
thief was arrested.
 
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and
stole the bank's video camera while it was recording remotely (That
is, the videotape recorder was located somewhere else in the bank),
so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.
 
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved
it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and
hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems
the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event
was caught on videotape.
 
Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a
motor home near near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose
into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the
vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best
laugh he'd ever had.
 
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked in to a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because
he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
 
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided, leaving the $20 bill
on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
Fifteen dollars. {If someone points a gun at you and gives you
money, was it a crime?}
 
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put
him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The theif was then
taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID, to
which he replied "Yes, Officer... that's her. That's the lady I
stole the purse from."
 
Florida: [Uh, pardon our English] A thief burst into the bank one
day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the
guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A
F**K-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers
started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing.
It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his
gun. The thief ran away and is still at large to this day. In
memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall
engraved "Freeze, Mother-Stickers, This is a f**c-up!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Jun 1998 to 13 Jun 1998
************************************************
 
