HUMOR Digest - 11 Jun 1998 to 12 Jun 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 542 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Name (Pun)
  2. The Anniversary Dance(Adult)
  3. Fast and Loose <some adult humor>
  4. MicroTest (adult)
  5. Better than Suzy
  6. The Vicar <pun>
  7. Nonchalant comments & questions about contemporary life
  8. Great Truths About Life
  9. Little Johnny Yet Again
 10. Professor <adult theme>
 11. Princess Di Jokes Part 6 (Offensive to Diana Fans)
 12. Breast Gravity!! (adult)
 13. Elders To Address Baptist Men
 14. Microsoft Rifle Team
 15. Who Wins The World Cup Soccer Tournament? <clean>
 
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Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 23:52:16 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Name (Pun)
 
It is interesting how people arrive at the names to give children.
When one works in an orphanage, the problem becomes even more
difficult. One young fellow from Arizona had a mixed parentage. The
father, a Hispanic National was a traveling salesman for one of the
major insurance companies, Kemper Life, though the mother would not
give any more information. The mother was from a Native American
tribe in Northeastern Arizona. She called the boy Juan, after his
father it was believed, and she gave him up for adoption.
 
She left it to the kind people at the orphanage to take care of the
baby, including completing his name. Eventually they arrived at a
name that tied together all of his roots. People always bugged the
child about his name, but he liked it. They asked how he could put
up with such a motley melange, but he would stand tall and say with
great pride... "I am Juan Hopi Kemper.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 02:40:02 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Anniversary Dance(Adult)
 
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they
went to on their honeymoon.  Driving through the secluded country-
side, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the
road.
 
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here
forty years ago."  The guy stopped the car.  His wife backed
against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass
on a junebug. They made love like never before.
 
Back in the car, the guy says,  "Darlin', you sure never moved like
that forty years ago-or any time since that I can remember!"
 
The woman says,  "Forty years go that fence wasn't electrified!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 03:44:29 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Fast and Loose <some adult humor>
 
I'm not saying she's fast and loose...
she's really a "home girl", but doesn't care whose
 
I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...
she's leading a delightful sexistence
 
I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...
her motto is "to err is human, and it feels divine"
 
I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...
when she dances, she doesn't know the dif between writhe & wrong
 
I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...
she owes most of her jewelry to "The Power of Positive Winking"
 
I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...
she's climbing the ladder of success, lad by lad
 
I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...
she's kissed so many sailors, her lips move with the tide
 
I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...
when a guy sez "say when" pouring drinks, she sez "after this
drink"
 
I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...
she knows how to say "yes" in 17 different languages
 
I'm not saying she's fast and loose but....
in college, she was voted the girl most likely to
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 08:20:54 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: MicroTest (adult)
 
This is a good test to see where Microsoft is heading!
Follow the directions!
 
Open a new document in Word -  type: Unable to follow directions
 
Highlight the entire sentence and select Thesaurus
from the Tools menu or hit Shift F7.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 14:10:32 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Better than Suzy
 
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate
her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first
student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of
the day off.
 
She started with "This was England's finest hour."
 
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
 
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "You may go home." The teacher
then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
 
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out,
"John F. Kennedy".
 
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
 
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little
Johnny said, "I wish those little twits would just shut the hell
up."
 
Upon overhearing this rude comment, the outraged teacher demanded
to know who said it.  Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said,
"Bill Clinton."
 
"I'll see you Monday..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 14:38:19 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Vicar <pun>
 
Several years ago there was an Anglican minister from Korea named
Kim Rhee.  He had a wonderful singing voice. His strong point was
that he could trill.  His superiors decided to send him to Africa
to convert the heathen.
 
After his arrival, Rhee asked the townspeople why they didn't
attend church. They said the local shaman told them not to go or
they would suffer in ways unknown to so-called civilized people.
The minister laughed and told them to come to church on Sunday and
he would sing for them.
 
That Sunday, while Rhee held the audience spellbound with his
famous trill, the shaman entered the church. Rhee told the people
to ignore the old man.  The shaman produced a small doll, very much
in appearance like the minister, and placed it feet-first in a pot
of evil-looking, foul-smelling, boiling liquid.
 
Immediately, the minister fell to the ground and commenced to howl.
He tore off his shoes and those in attendance witnessed eruptions
of small pustules and blemishes on the soles on the poor man's
lower extremities.
 
The townspeople knew that the shaman's power had won out. And, from
that day forward, they committed to village lore "The trill of
Vicar Rhee and the acne of the feet."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 14:48:42 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Nonchalant comments & questions about contemporary life
 
I'm counseling a couple with an unusual problem. The woman has
every one of her past boyfriends' names tattooed on her back, in
alphabetical order. It is an extensive list. The problem is that
the new boyfriend does not know where he fits in.
 
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
 
Every day I drive the interstate, and it never ceases to amaze me
that so many people are willing to risk so many lives to get
somewhere a couple of minutes sooner.
 
Not only is it a requirement that female country singers be
gorgeous, it is the most important requirement. Far more important
than talent.
 
Blow your horn until you're blue, I will not run yellow so you can
run red.
 
I've had two cancers in two years and neither was as frightening as
dealing with the insurance companies.

Call it Whitewater, Foldergate, Travelgate, or the Lewinsky
scandal, it is all the same. Republicans like Ken Starr, Newt
Gingrich, and Dan Burton are sad sack poor losers.
 
When my son asked me to do his homework for him, I told him, "No,
that would be wrong." He replied, "That's okay, as long as you give
it your best effort."
 
Now that we have no smoking areas, can we get some no cologne
areas?
 
It frustrates me when I see parents disrespecting their children,
using physical force, humiliating them in public. Kids are people,
too!
 
If high school students fail the state graduation test five times,
let them march in dunce caps instead of mortar boards.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 09:35:13 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Great Truths About Life
 
     Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
 
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
 
* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
 
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.  They always catch
  the second person.
 
* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
 
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
 
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
 
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
 
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
 
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
 
* School lunches stick to the wall.
 
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
 
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.  No matter how
  cute the underwear is.
                           -----=|=------
 
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one
house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the
door even though the pastor had knocked several times.  Finally,
the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the
back of it, and stuck it in the door.
 
[Revelations 3:20: Behold, I stand at he door and knock.  If anyone
hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine
with him and him with me.]
 
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate.  Below
the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10".
 
[Genesis 3:10: I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid,
because I was naked; and I hid myself.]
 
 
Source: http://www.gcfl.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 15:09:18 -0400
From:    Mikhail M Rozhanovsky <mmrbass@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Little Johnny Yet Again
 
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents
did for a living.  One little girl said her father was a doctor,
another said her mother was an engineer.  When it was Little
Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
 
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's
office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in
class?" Johnny said "Yes"
 
"Well, what did the principal say?"
 
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an
apple and asked for my phone number."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 18:47:35 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Professor <adult theme>
 
The college professor had just finished explaining an important
research project to his class.  He emphasized that this paper was
an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would
be only two acceptable excuses for being late.  Those were a
medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate
family.  A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his
hand and spoke up.
 
"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would
 expect, the class exploded in laughter.  When the students had
 finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a
 glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write
 with your other hand."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 20:02:51 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Princess Di Jokes Part 6 (Offensive to Diana Fans)
 
What's the title of the new Princess Diana movie they are making?
One Wedding and a Funeral.
 
Once again Princess Diana proves a big hit in Paris.
 
Diana's name has been changed to:
The Royalty formally known as Princess Di.
 
Where did Diana go for her holidays?
All over Paris.
 
What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been
     drinking?
She hit the roof.
 
What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes?
They both make Royal Jelly.
 
How do you spoil Princess Diana?
Leave her out in the sun.
 
Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS?
Pulverized Mercedes Syndrome.
 
Now there is a new pizza place, the "Paparazzi Pizza" delivery.
You don't have to give them your address, they'll find you no
     matter where you are.
 
Elton John is writing a tribute for Mother Teresa.
He's calling it "Sandals in the Bin".
 
What's the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans?
The East Germans survived the wall.
 
What's the bumper sticker on Fergie's car?
I brake for Paparazzi.
 
What does Dodi and Dodo have in common?
They are both extinct.
 
What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess?
The frog turns into a wall and croaks.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 03:29:18 +0300
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Breast Gravity!! (adult)
 
NEWS FLASH!
 
Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered
a new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have
dubbed this new force "breast gravity."
 
It is the nearly irresistible force that draws men's eyes down to
women's breasts.
 
"The idea came to me out of the blue," says team leader Frank
 Leerer. "I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine,
 and we saw a woman in a string bikini. 'Check out the globes on
 her!' he said. That's when the idea hit me like a brick house."
 
Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the
biophysical mechanism behind the phenomenon. It is believed that
like the other fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity
is mediated by an elementary particle. MIT scientists have named
this theoretical particle the "boobon."
 
Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically.
It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast
size. Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb
boobons, because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the
force. (A large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.)
 
Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are
almost all men's eyes affected, but only a small fraction of
women's? How can it be that the force is transmitted even through
televised and printed images of breasts?
 
Scientists everywhere are looking into it.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 22:21:18 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Elders To Address Baptist Men
 
(ATLANTA, JRI) - Dr. Joycelyn Elders has been hired by Southern
Baptist men as a Special Consultant to handle the aftermath of
the new edict declaring that wives should "submit themselves
graciously" to the leadership of their husbands.
 
Married Baptist women reacted outwardly with approval to the edict,
but a 30 m.p.h. breeze was created in the auditiorium as they
closed and clamped shut their legs in unison, seemingly for the
long haul.
 
"It looks like we may be faced with a lockout," noted Otto
Eroticism, leader of the Baptist men. "We have hired Dr. Elders
to assist us in developing an, umm, alternative strategy for
getting a little rapture if you get my drift." For their part,
the Baptist women insisted "we are in complete agreement with
the Church, and look forward to submitting ourselves graciously --
and chastely to our men."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 23:14:57 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Microsoft Rifle Team
 
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted to be on the Bill Gates
Rifle Team. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a
rifle and bullets.
 
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the
target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The
tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the
rifle again, and then at the target again.
 
He put his finger over the end of  the rifle barrel and squeezed
the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown
off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area,"It's leaving here
just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Jun 1998 09:42:07 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Who Wins The World Cup Soccer Tournament? <clean>
 
Brazil last won the world cup in 1994.
Before that they won it in 1970.
Add 1970 and 1994, it equals 3964.
 
Argentina last won the world cup in 1986.
Before that they won it in 1978.
Add 1978 and 1986, it equals 3964.
 
Germany last won in 1990.
Before that they won in 1974.
Add 1990 and 1974, it equals 3964.
 
Here's the scary part:
England last won the cup in 1966.
Add it to 1998...
IT EQUALS 3964!!!!!!!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Jun 1998 to 12 Jun 1998
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