HUMOR Digest - 10 Jun 1998 to 11 Jun 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 771 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Convent (Pun)
  2. New Borns
  3. The Importance of Proofreading
  4. Humor from 'daily humor",suggestive
  5. 2 Golfers
  6. Symphony joke
  7. College Student's Bible Version
  8. the complete installation history of Girlfriend 1.0
     [offensive to female list members, no foul language]
  9. Nonchalant comments & questions about contemporary life
 10. The Wise Rabbi(adult themes may be offensive to relious)
 11. A kid gets onto a bus... <adult>
 12. Other News <Clinton, mad cows, et al>
 13. Princess Di Jokes Part 5 (Offensive to Diana Fans)
 14. Tooth Fairy <Just Plain Silly>
 15. The Generation Gap
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 00:12:53 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Convent (Pun)
 
Percy Shelley was despondent. After banging out pamphlets and
poems, odes and dramas with ease he had suddenly run up against
that which all poets fear more than editorial rejection -- writer's
block. No matter how hard he tried, nothing came. Page after page
of jibberish went into the basket.
 
Pacing the streets of Oxford one morning he encountered his good
friend Keats. Keats was in fine spirits but soon became solicitous
when he heard of the poet's plight.
 
"The very thing happened to me last year," said Keats. "Upon the
advice of a friend I visited a small religious retreat, Mount St.
Michaela, off the coast of Cornwall. It is run by an order of nuns
and there is nothing to do but listen to the surf and the gulls. In
no time at all I was afire to put pen to paper."
 
"Then I shall do it," vowed Shelley, and he hurried off to make
arrangements.
 
Three days later, after a long, dusty and tiring coach ride, he
soon arrived in the small coastal village across from the nunnery,
and there he hired a skiff to take him over to the island three
miles distant. A wind was coming up and the sun was setting as the
fisherman methodically pulled the oars, drawing the boat ever
nearer. The waves grew angrier but finally the boat scraped along-
side a rock and Shelley jumped ashore. Scrambling up the stone
steps, he made his way to the front door of the convent and pounded
on the heavy wood. Soon a small window opened and a young woman
peered out.
 
I'm Percy Bysshe Shelley and I've come to stay here awhile. Please
let me in."
 
"I'm only a notitiate," a small voice answered. "Mother Superior
has retired for the night and only if I have her signature can I
allow you admittance."
 
"But a storm is coming up and the boat has gone back to the
village," pleaded the poet. "Surely you can authorize it yourself."
 
"I'm very sorry," answered the young sister. "You have to... wait
till the nun signs, Shelley."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 03:47:08 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: New Borns
 
* I was privileged to be at the hospital on Monday, this week
  when my daughter-in-law Bonnie and JimJr Jr had their baby
  girl.  The admitting Nurse asked me if I were to be in the
  delivery room. Trust me, the only delivery I wantta see is
  the Clydesdales arriving with my next shipment of beer.
                           - - - - -
 
* During her pregnancy, Bonnie tried to involve my Grandson,
  JimJr JrJr, in the birth.  She asked if he wanted a brother
  or a sister.  He thought about it, then replied, "If it
  wouldn't be too much trouble, can I have a pony instead ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   A woman at the hospital delivered triplets.  I was looking
  at them thru the Nursery room glass and a Nurse said, "Do you
  know that happens only once out of 12,000 times ?"
    I replied, "Wow !  Whenever did the Mother find the time to
  do the housework ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* Bonnie opted for natural childbirth -- you know, no eye make-up,
  no lipstick, no rouge...
                           - - - - -
 
* Whenever someone picks up a baby, someone else is sure to say,
  "Watch out for the head."  Believe me folks, that is NOT the
  end that needs watching.
                           - - - - -
 
* After the delivery, Bonnie was moved to another floor, along
  with the rest of the exhausted new Mothers.  Trust me on this
  one, that's the only time 60-some women are ever that quiet.
                           - - - - -
 
* A new baby brightens any home though.  I mean, it should --
  all the lights in the house are on all nite long.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 07:16:33 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Importance of Proofreading
 
                        Print Ads
                       ~~~~~~~~~~~
 
                         Dogs
 
Lost: Small apricot poodle - Reward. Neutered, just like one of the
      family.

Dog For Sale: Great Dames.

Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
                      From the Kitchen
 
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.  7 ounces of choice sirloin steak,
boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion
rings.
 
Dinner Special - Chicken or Beef $2.25; Turkey $2.35; Children
                 $2.00
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
                         Antiques
 
For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
 
For sale: Four-posted bed, 101 years old, perfect for antique
          lover.
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
                         Vacation
 
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
 
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
 
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
                          Wanted
 
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
 
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
 
Wanted: Part-time marred girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
 
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, 200 a month; References
        required.
 
Wanted: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
        Salary and Blue Cross.
 
Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions.
 
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires a person to
        assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
        contributing to growth of family.
 
Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool; Experience
        preferred.
 
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
                         Services
 
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals
and  smacks included.
 
Ears pierced - while you wait!
 
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
 
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.
 
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
                          Miscellaneous
 
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra
  pair to take home too.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
  condition.
- Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one per customer
- See ladies blouses. 50% off!
- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable
  that lots of women wear nothing else.
- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- Christmas tag-sale. Hand made gifts for the hard-to-find person.
- Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play
- Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and
  you'll never go anywhere again.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
  efficient beating.
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
- And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in
  variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in you home
  for $1.
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
                         Bite Your Tongue
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                           Radio Spots
 
 - Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous
   figure.
 - When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the
   green bottle with the big 7 on it and the u-p after.
 - Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs
   from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
 - Illiterate? Write for free information.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 08:38:38 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor from 'daily humor",suggestive
 
A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at
the Pearly Gates.
 
"Show me what you got, Pete," said the Texan. St. Peter swung open
the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers,
streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.
 
"We've got that in Texas.  We call it Supreme Ranch" said Texan
 
St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking
on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding
horses, bicycling, etc.
 
"We've got that, too.  We call it Six Flags."
 
Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell
and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of
flame sweeping over the entire area.  The blinding light and
heat were enormous.
 
"We don't have that," said the Texan, "but we've got a guy in
Houston who can put it out."
                    ---------------------------
 
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant
for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the
counter.
 
"I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
 
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,
located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly
beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk
retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around
the young man, looking in the same direction.
 
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the
clerk climb up and down.
 
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and
fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours
raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
 
"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it`s startin` to twitch."
 
 
          --from sebringb@cyberrealm.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 10:17:07 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 2 Golfers
 
Adverse Golfing Conditions
 
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see
the flag, but not the green.  Each hit their ball anyway.  When
they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from
the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
 
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they
were both using Titleist number threes.  Unable to decide, they
returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
 
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their
superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who
was playing the yellow ball ?"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 10:34:23 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Symphony joke
 
A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was going to perform
Beethoven's Ninth.  At this point, it helps for you to know two
things:
 
(1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins
    don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after
    page.
 
(2) There used to be a tavern right across the street from the
    Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
 
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass
players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they
were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage
rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty
minutes.
 
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot
across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the
first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd
be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
 
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the
first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more
time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's
score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow
the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and
fumbles with the string with the other."
 
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House,
a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one
look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious
trouble.
 
The conductor was furious! After all...
 
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses
were loaded.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 09:07:33 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: College Student's Bible Version
 
The top ten ways the Bible would have been different if it had been
written by college students:
 
10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
 
 9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and
    written in a large font.
 
 8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
 
 7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't
    cafeteria food.
 
 6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to
    abuse@romans.gov.
 
 5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
 
 4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not
    Armageddon.
 
 3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
 
 2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40
    years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like
    freshmen.
 
 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on
    the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it
    was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 15:43:50 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: the complete installation history of Girlfriend 1.0
         [offensive to female list members, no foul language]
 
I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've
kately been having some problems. I've been running the same
version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application,
and all the Girlfriend releases I've tried have always conflicted
with it.
 
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if Girlfriend is run in
background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed
to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run
them separately and it works OK.
 
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Leisure
3.1 and QuietTime programs, often trying to abort them with some
sort of timing incompatibility.
 
I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought
I might see better performance from Girlfriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have
enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require
a Token Ring to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my
cache, it uninstalled itself.
 
Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me
a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a
while to re-check my hardware. I very cautiously upgraded to
Girlfriend 4.0.
 
This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus
protection programme.
 
It worked OK for a while, until I discovered that Girlfriend 1.0
was still in my system. I tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with
Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a 'feature'
I didn't know about that automatically detects the presence of any
other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in the
background in some way, which results in the immediate removal of
both versions.
 
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.  Frankly
I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel,
rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best
connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated
contacts, which are very expensive.
 
I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally 'object-orientated',
as that interface is sometimes cumbersome & even counter intuitive.
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to
GirlfriendPlus 1.1, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version
of Girlfriend.
 
To his dismay, however, he discovered that GirlfriendPlus 1.1
expires within a year of the upgrade, if you don't upgrade AGAIN
to Fiance 1.0.
 
So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade YET AGAIN to
Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken
up all his space, so he can't load anything else. In fact, it has
even automatically deleted several of his other programs to make
room for itself, not the least of which was DrinkingBuddies 1.0
which used to be one of his favourite applications, as well.
 
This is particularly disturbing to me, as we used to run
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 on a network with several of our mutual
friends, and now he can't even connect anymore.
 
He told me one of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife
1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus, which sounded
great.  Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife
1.0 sometimes inexplicably prohibits access to FreeSexplus,
particularly when he starts the new plug-ins he wanted to try.
 
Also, for no apparent reason, the OralSex 1.0 module that worked
fine in his previous versions of GirlfiendPlus and Fiance, stopped
working the instant the upgrade to Wife 1.0 finished installing.
 
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be run on a well warmed-up system
before he can do anything with the FreeSexPlus module.  This
warming up process requires him to run the antiquated version of
ForePlay beta, which has an agonisingly slow interface and which
has an  unfortunate tendency to crash, requiring a cold reboot to
his system.
 
The real insult to injury however, is that even though he did not
ask for it, Wife 1.0 came embedded with MotherInLaw 2.0, which has
an irritating automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
 
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0 (which I had heard works
great in such situations), but he said he heard if you try to run
it without first understanding Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all
of your MSMoney files before doing an uninstall itself. Then
Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient
resources.
 
Please help me! I don't know what to do! Since the initial release,
I have had nothing but problems. I've heard that I would really
like the CoolGirlFriend 1.0 Deluxe Upgrade (which is supposed to
come bundled with a completely functioning version of
FreeSexDeluxe), but that release is nowhere to be found - not even
the beta version.
 
That release is also supposed to come with it's own resource
management module seamlessly layered in, so it won't conflict with
any of my other programs (barring previous versions of Girlfriend,
which I would happily delete).
 
Please advise.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 15:37:24 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Nonchalant comments & questions about contemporary life
 
How dare anyone try to prevent my God-given right to hunt deer with
a fully automatic assault rifle.
 
Charlton Heston may complaint about Clinton's policy about gays in
the military, but he didn't complain about gays on his movie sets.
 
Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but
doesn't really care where.
 
When I was a kid, all we had to do was just sit around and hope
somebody would invent television so we could play Nintendo.
 
What is the difference between NBA and pro wrestling? The wrestling
interviews are entertaining, informative, and the grammar is much
better.
 
Larry Holmes and George Foreman: Two Geezers at Caesars.
 
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad
judgement.
 
I am a cop and had a guy throw a cigarette butt on to the
windshield of my patrol car. The only difference between you and
me is that it cost $90 to throw a butt on my windshield!
 
If I have to hear the trendy phrase, "yada, yada, yada," one more
time, I think I might puke!
 
I'm 32 years old and my mother just met me and two of my friends at
the door at 6 AM, telling us we are all on restriction, while the
17 year old next door is greeted by HIS mother with a hug and a
"thank God, you're safe." Next time, I'm going to his house.
 
God help us from road rage in a few years. I just spent two days at
a girl's soccer tournament of eleven year olds!
 
 
Source: www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 14:42:25 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Wise Rabbi (adult themes may be offensive to relious)
 
The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on
opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an
ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.  "May I come in?" asked
the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.
 
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you
must be in the wrong place.  Here is where we--"
 
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "you don't think
I came here for chopped liver, do you?  Bring on the girls."
 
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the
madam had several girls line up.  The rabbi tottered from one to
another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous
breasts.  He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good!
I'll take those."
 
The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs.
 
She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the
nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his
clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi
performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable.  In
fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into
orgasm.  As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing,
Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?"
 
The rabbi said, "God has been good to me.  I am eighty-eight years
old."
 
"That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the
neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask
for me -- Rosie.  I would be delighted to oblige you."
 
The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I
should be in the mood again?  Let me sleep for five minutes right
now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again."
 
"Really, Rabbi?  Then please take a nap." "Okay."
 
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed
his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute.  This is
important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right
hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them.
Keep them absolutely motionless."
 
Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the
rabbi's testicles free of the sheet.  For five minutes the rabbi
slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready."  And so he
was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time
than the first.
 
As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one
thing I don't understand.  Why was it necessary to hold your
testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?"

"Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like
you very much.  Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and
over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five
hundred dollars."
 
          --thanks to Kenny
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 16:26:37 -0400
From:    Beth Frantz <efrantz@ANNA-MARIA.EDU>
Subject: A kid gets onto a bus... <adult>
 
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,
multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes
are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's
without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced
jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down
in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just
glares at him for the next ten miles.
 
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
"What are you looking at old man... didn't you ever do anything
wild when you were young?"
 
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I
was young & in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 15:24:41 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Other News <Clinton, mad cows, et al>
 
During his visit to China later this month, President Clinton will
be allowed to speak live on radio and television. It's still not
clear, however, whether he'll be allowed to give out his
900-number.
 
The mad cow ban on British beef may be lifted. Of course, the cows
themselves liked it -- so now they're really mad.
 
Prince Claus, husband of the Dutch monarch Queen Beatrix, has
undergone successful prostate surgery. The 71-year-old prince will
probably be more sensitive now. At least, he'll know what a royal
pain in the butt is.
 
In Florida an animal rights group is calling for a new probe into
the deaths of 30 animals at Animal Kingdom. Reportedly, a Ken Starr
investigator has already shown pictures of President Clinton to
three elephants and a right-wing ostrich.
 
          --from Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 10:55:26 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Princess Di Jokes Part 5 (Offensive to Diana Fans)
 
Why was Princess Diana so thin?
Crash diet.
 
Princess Di really lived up to her name.
 
What does Princess Diana have in common with Hugh Grant?
They both bought it in the backseat of a car.
 
Did the British Secret Service kill Princess Diana?
No, the French underground did it.
 
What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana?
One's composing, the other is decomposing.
 
What did Prince Charles say when he heard about the automobile
     accident?
Well, that's the way the Mercedes BENZ.
 
What did Princess Diana die of?
Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.
 
What was the last thing that Diana kissed?
The radiator.
 
What did Diana say to Dodi when he asked to marry her?
She wanted something more concrete in her life.
 
What vegetable is most like Princess Diana?
French squash.
 
Did you hear about the new Pink Floyd album?
"Another Brit in the Wall"
 
When Prince Charles was told of Diana's death he was all ears.
 
Where were Dodi and Di heading the night of the accident?
To paint the town red.
 
Di and Dodi Top 10 Records:
  Leader of the Pack
  Won't someone buy me a Mercedes-Benz?
  Die Like an Egyptian
  Dead Man's Curve
  Last Time in Paris
  How Much is that Dodi in the Window
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 15:57:15 -0700
From:    Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Tooth Fairy <Just Plain Silly>
 
Dear  ______________:
 
Thank you for leaving the tooth under your pillow last night. 
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
 
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for
    appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the
    tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time
    of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory,
    or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
    [ ] string
    [ ] pliers
    [ ] gunpowder
    [ ] hammer marks
    [ ] chisel
    [ ] part of skull attached to tooth
    [ ] no dental care
( ) other:
 
   Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the
   following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a
   retail store near you.
 
Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.
 
   Sincerely,
   The Tooth Fairy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Jun 1998 09:40:48 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Generation Gap
 
By the time a person realises that maybe his father was right, he
usually has a son who thinks he is wrong!
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Jun 1998 to 11 Jun 1998
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