HUMOR Digest - 9 Jun 1998 to 10 Jun 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 811 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. History Lesson (Pun)
  2. See the USA
  3. Top5-6/9/98 (Signs Your Lawyer Isn't Working Out)
  4. Darwin Award <clean>
  5. Man on the Moon (adult)
  6. Tatoo (anal inference - may be offensive)
  7. Semi-Deep Thoughts
  8. Laughable comments & questions about contemporary life
  9. Viagra Tongue In Cheek News(Adult)
 10. Little League Baseball Week <just plain dumb>
 11. Idiots at work
 12. One Liners
 13. The Questionnaire (may be offensive to some believers)
 14. The Best of The Worst - Part 2/2 <clean>
 15. Princess Di Jokes Part 4
     (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 23:15:36 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: History Lesson (Pun)
 
I remember well the spring of 1778. I had just received my degree
from Oxford and was ready to take my place as a partner in my
father's shipping and trading company. Father had made his fortune
trading along the St. Lawrence Seaway and the new colony of
Newfoundland.
 
I had joined Father for less than a week, when he had a visit
from his old friend, James Cook. Cook, who had been instrumental
in starting our family business, had just returned from a voyage
to the South Pacific where he had discovered a new group of islands
that he claimed for England and named after the first lord of the
British Admiralty, the Earl of Sandwich, in honor of the Earl's
contribution to sea faring in discovering a new way to feed the
sailors without their having to leave their posts by serving their
meals between two slices of bread.
 
Cook told us the he had landed at the southernmost and largest of
the Sandwich Islands where a peaceful tribe of natives who called
themselves Hawaiians had treated him like royalty. In fact, his
sailors stated that the natives thought James Cook was God. In
spite of their reverence for Cook, he could not interest them in
trade as they were set in their primitive ways and interested in
the gifts Cook had brought.
 
However, they spoke of the tribe of Waikikians on an island to
the north who had mastered sailing and traded frequently with
remote islands to the west. Cook was certain that we could
duplicate our success in Newfoundland by expanding to Waikiki.
 
Father agreed to accompany Cook on his next trip to the Sandwich
Islands provided I could accompany them so that I could learn first
hand how to develop business in virgin territories. Thus, it came
about that my first ocean voyage was around the Cape of Good Horn
and to the tropical splendors of the Sandwiches.
 
The voyage was very rough having to go through a severe cyclone
around the Cape, and the seamen were very restless when we landed
on the beach at Waikiki. Several left the ship shortly after
landing and unfortunately drank too much and ended up ravishing
several of the native women. A riot ensued and several natives and
crew members were killed in the battle.
 
Now the Waikikians had a strong judicial tradition and held the
leader responsible for the actions of his crew. So the ship was
boarded by a group of Waikikian soldiers, James Cook was arrested
and tried for rape and murder. He was convicted and was sentenced
to die by boiling with his remains to be served to the families of
the departed.
 
We were all required to be present while this inhumane punishment
took place. I turned to my father and asked him how something like
this could ever happen. I'll never forget his answer. He turned to
me and said, "Let this be a lesson to you... one man's meat is
another man's poi, son.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 03:45:23 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: See the USA
 
* Went to Philadelphia once.  It wasn't hard to see what they need
  most there -- a good detour to bypass the town entirely.
                           - - - - -
 
* Every once in a while you hear about a real dry spell in Texas. 
  I always thought the stories exaggerated until I got a birthday
  card last week.  The stamp was attached with a staple.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country.
  When he returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
    "Jimmy," he replied, "have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van
  with those you thought you loved ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* Any of you ever been to Las Vegas ?  Some hot-shot arrives in his
  private jet, puts on an outfit that costs 2 or 3 thousand
  dollars, works with 80 musicians, eight back-up singers, and
  opens his show with "I Gotta Be Me !"
                           - - - - -
 
*   New Englanders are known for their dry wit and logic.  Once in
  Martha's Vineyard a hotel clerk asked me if I wanted a room with
  a shower or a tub.  I asked what the difference was.
    He replied, "Well sir, in a tub, you can sit down."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A few years ago Mrs JimJr and I vacationed at a rather fancy
  hotel on Hilton Head Island, an ocean resort in South Carolina.
    After the bellboy carried the luggage up to our room, I found
  that I had nothing smaller than a hundred dollar bill, having
  chosen not to carry a lot of smaller bills en route.  I asked
  him if he had any change, so that I could properly tip.
    He replied, with a hint of scorn, "Mr Moore, HERE, a hundred
  dollar bill IS change."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 06:06:26 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5-6/9/98 (Signs Your Lawyer Isn't Working Out)
 
         The Top 16 Signs Your Lawyer Isn't Working Out
 
16> His idea of a key immunity deal involves penicillin shots.
 
15> Open argument in which he called the prosecutor a "Doo-Doo
    Head" could hurt your case.
 
14> Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
 
13> In the middle of your trial, he crawls underneath the bench
    and actually tries to "please the court."
 
12> Uses rhyming couplets like Johnny Cochran, but they all end
    with "Nantucket."
 
11> Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
 
10> Keeps trying to call a witness named "Johnny, the Trouser
    Troll."
 
 9> A closer look at his diploma reveals it's from Yale
    Lock School.
 
 8> The only question she can come up with during cross-
    examination is, "Isn't it true that you're a lying bastard?"
 
 7> Constantly raising objections to the "vibes" he's getting
    from the jury.
 
 6> Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he
    screams, "Yahtzee!"
 
 5> Dental problem forces her to use short, concise sentences
    comprised of commonly used, clearly understood words.
 
 4> Instead of saying "Your honor, I object," he now just rolls
    his eyes and says, "Whatever."
 
 3> Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the
    "discovery" processes.
 
 2> Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.
 
     and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Lawyer Isn't Working Out...
 
 1> "Nice breasts, Your Honor."
 
 
   [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
   [ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 13:00:30 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Darwin Award <clean>
 
This happened a few days ago on a list (let's call it LIST) where
every post has a footer automatically attached to it, with
instruction on how to unsubscribe (original message, cut and
pasted):
 
Please take me off this list
               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
To unsubscribe send an e-mail to  LISTSERV@LISTSERV.AOL.COM
with SIGNOFF LIST in the body
                  - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
The polite, but somewhat pointed response from the listowner was:
Read the <expletive deleted> footer, you MORON!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 07:03:51 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Man on the Moon (adult)
 
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the
moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one
giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several
remarks, including the usual com traffic between him, the other
astronauts and Mission Control.
 
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the
enigmatic  remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
 
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, they found that
there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space
programs.
 
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just
smiled.
 
Just two years ago (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL), while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the
26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could
answer the question.
 
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of
his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs.
Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong
heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex? You want Oral
Sex!!!???  You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 09:40:23 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Tatoo (anal inference - may be offensive)
 
A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a
massive crush on Brigette Bardot and ignores her completely. To win
back his attentions, she goes to a tattoo artist to have the
letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts.
 
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make
this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo
on her butt instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a "B"
on each buttock.
 
When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by
turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the
artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says.
 
"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 10:43:30 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Semi-Deep Thoughts
 
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
 
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to
pound in the correct screw.
 
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
     cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
     with that?"
 
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
 
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs
or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese
couldn't care less.
 
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
 
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
straps.
 
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
 
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
 
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
 
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
 
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
that way.
 
I couldn't wait for success, so I went on without it.
 
Life is antagonistic to the living.
 
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
        don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots
        in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pant's zipper supposed to be in the front?
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 11:02:01 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Laughable comments & questions about contemporary life
 
Seen on a bumper sticker: "We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
You will be assimilated."
 
Is it required that all female country singer be gorgeous?
 
Isn't it amazing that the CIA couldn't tell that India was
exploding nuclear weapons, but NASA thinks that a planet 450 light
years from Earth is twice the size of Jupiter?
 
To the guy who flipped me off and then cut me off in rush hour, who
says life ain't fair? I saw smoke coming from the hood of your car
down the road.
 
I saw a guy in a Pinto with about 10 bowling trophies on the back
shelf over the rear seat, and boy was I impressed.
 
When I get a call from a telemarketer, I patiently wait until
he/she is done with the presentation and then sweetly say: "I
didn't get all of that, would you please repeat it?"
 
Newt Gingrich donning his yarmulke brought back memories of Michael
Dukakis sporting his tank helmet.
 
Modem: A Computer communications device or how to get rid of your
dandelions.
 
Take some good advice: Never try to baptize your cat.
 
Isn't it amazing how political candidates can give you all their
good points and qualifications in a 30 second TV commercial?
 
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
If you want to know the true nature of a person, just watch the way
they act when they're behind the wheel of an automobile.
 
Did some nice Republican gag Congressman Dan Burton (R-Indiana), or
what? I sure miss his articulate rambles. Any chance California
will restore Bullet Bob Dornan to Congress?
 
 
source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 13:44:06 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Viagra Tongue In Cheek News(Adult)
 
The makers of Viagra have announced a plan to use proceeds from the
sale of Viagra to finance the development of a pill for women that
will make elderly men desirable.
 
Also, the National Organization of Potent Men has announced a plan
to protest the distribution of Viagra.  A spokesman for the
organization stated "Viagra gives an impotent man the ability to
sustain an erection for up to 4 hours. This causes feelings of
inadequacy, a leading cause of impotency, in normally potent men".
 
The organization fears a sudden and dramatic shift in the
demographics of it's membership.
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
In other news, Kenneth Starr is reportedly investigating a rumor
that the Republican Party had used Bob Dole's supply of Viagra from
clinical trials to spike fast food deliveries to the White house.
 
The White house has confirmed a report that the entire male staff
had participated in a "blind" clinical study in which all but one
individual had received a placebo.  There was no comment as to the
identity of that individual.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 15:34:45 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Little League Baseball Week <just plain dumb>
 
This is National Little League Baseball Week. I played Little
League baseball. My dad was so proud he had my protective cup
bronzed.
 
I'll never forget the Little League game when I got hurt. I went to
sleep and fell off the bench. After that my mother made me wear a
bench belt.
 
My mother was always afraid it would rain. I had to play every game
in galoshes. Ever try to run in galoshes?
 
Mom never missed a game. She vacuumed the dugout. Waxed the bench.
Watered the petunias in the on-deck circle.
 
We had the only ballpark in town with satin bases. And a doily on
home plate that said, "Home Sweet Home."
 
 
          --from Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 18:18:24 -0400
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Idiots at work
 
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents.  Two for a dollar.
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card.  She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
 
So I signed the credit card in front of her.  She carefully
compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.  My boss
said, "Really?  Where is Monosyllabia?"
 
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it
was just south of Elbonia.
 
He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically
to lubricate your eyes."
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
 
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer
wanted them to cross there.
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers.  One night he got a call from a
woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal.  Do you guys have a fire
downtown?"
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that
the next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab partner
became visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her
that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.
Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photo-
copy machine.  The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,
and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect was telling a lie.  Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 20:51:10 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: One Liners
 
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
          --Rita Rudner
 
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with
that?"
          --Jay Leno
 
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second day you're off it.
          --Jackie Gleason
 
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected
          --Red Buttons
 
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I
wanna know your name"
          --Mike Binder
 
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long
enough to get money from it.
          --Stephen Leacock
 
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window.
          --Steve Bluestone
 
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
          --George Carlin
 
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
          --Ellen DeGeneres
 
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
          --Carol Leifer
 
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew
hair under my arms instead.
          --Sue Kolinsky
 
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.
          --Roger Simon
 
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax,
tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
          --Pearl Williams
 
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
          --Billiam Coronel
 
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
          --Dave Edison
 
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.
          --Johnny Carson
 
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper
dryin' on the clothesline.
          --George Lindsey
 
Never moon a werewolf.
          --Mike Binder
 
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
          --George Gobel
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 21:24:38 -0400
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: The Questionnaire (may be offensive to some believers)
 
     God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
 
Manufacturers of God would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage of our product. In order to better serve your needs, we
ask that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
 
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
 
1. How did you find out about God?
   __ Newspaper               __ Bhagavad-Gita
   __ Television              __ Divine Inspiration
   __ Word of mouth           __ Near Death Experience
   __ Koran                   __ Communist Manifesto
   __ Tabloid                 __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Bible                   __ Other sources
   __ Torah                      (specify):__________________ 
 
2. Which model God did you acquire?
   __ Yoweh                    __ Father, Son & Holy GhostTriplet
   __ Jehova                   __ Jesus
   __ Alah                     __ Satan
   __ God                      __ None of the above, I was taken
   __ G_d                         in by a false god
 
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good
   working order & with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
   __ Yes                          __ No
   If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered
   here: ______________________________________________________
 
4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
   Please check all that apply.
   __ Indoctrinated by parents       __ Needed a reason to live
   __ Indoctrinated by society       __ Needed focus in who to
                                        despise
   __ Imaginary friend grew up       __ Hate to think for myself
   __ Wanted to meet girls/boys      __ Fear of murder by a
                                        missionary
   __ Wanted to piss off parents     __ Needed a day away from work
   __ Desperate need for certainty   __ Like Organ Music
   __ Need to feel Morally Superior  __ My shrubbery caught fire
                                        and told me to do it
 
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?  Is so, which false god
   were you fooled by?  Please check all that apply.
   __ Odin                          __ Cthulhu
   __ Zeus                          __ The Almighty Dollar
   __ Appolo                        __ Left Wing Liberalism
   __ Ra                            __ Barney T.B.P.D.
   __ The great Spirit              __ The Great Pumpkin
   __ The Sun                       __ Bill Clinton
   __ The Moon                      __ A burning cabbage
   __ The Bomb                      __ Other: ________________
 
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
   addition to God?  Please check all that apply.
   __ Tarot                        __ Lottery
   __ Astrology                    __ Television
   __ Fortune cookies              __ Ann Landers
   __ Psychic Friends Network      __ Dianetics
   __ Palmistry                    __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
   __ Self-help books              __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
   __ Biorythms                    __ Bill Clinton
   __ Tea Leaves                   __ EST
   __ Mantras                      __ Jimmy Swaggert
   __ Crystals                     __ Human Sacrifice
   __ Pyramids                     __ Wandering around a desert
   __ Insurance policies           __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Barney T.B.P.D.              __ Other: _____________________
   __ Barney Fife                  __ None
 
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve
   the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.  Which
   would you prefer  (circle one)?
         a. More Divine Intervention
         b. Less Divine Intervention
         c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
         d. Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?
 
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
   miracles.  Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
   following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
         a. Disasters
              flood                              1   2   3   4   5
              famine                             1   2   3   4   5
              earthquake                         1   2   3   4   5
              war                                1   2   3   4   5
              pestilence                         1   2   3   4   5
              plague                             1   2   3   4   5
              AOL                                1   2   3   4   5
              Windows 98                         1   2   3   4   5
         b. Miracles 
             rescues                             1   2   3   4   5
             spontaneous remissions              1   2   3   4   5
             stars hovering over towns           1   2   3   4   5
             crying statues                      1   2   3   4   5
             water changing to wine              1   2   3   4   5
             walking on water(except Cuyahoga)   1   2   3   4   5
             talking flaming shrubbery           1   2   3   4   5
             VCR that sets its own clock         1   2   3   4   5
             Sadam Husein still alive            1   2   3   4   5
             Marlins winning the Series          1   2   3   4   5
             Clinton's re-election               1   2   3   4   5
 
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
   the quality of God's services?  (Attach an additional sheet if
   necessary)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Jun 1998 09:31:50 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Best of The Worst - Part 2/2 <clean>
 
The Worst Homing Pigeon.....
This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and
was expected to reach its base that evening.  It was returned by
post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil...
 
The Worst Animal Rescue.....
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken
over emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out
by an elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had
become trapped up a tree.  They arrived with impressive haste and
soon discharged their duty.  So grateful was the lady that she
invited them all in for tea.  Driving off later, with fond
farewells completed, they ran over the cat...
 
Worst Speed Trap.....
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeders... But he wasn't catching anyone.  One day the officer
found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of
the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD".  A little more investigative work led the officer to the
boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar
trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of
change...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 05:32:00 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Princess Di Jokes Part 4
         (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
 
Dodi said Di and she did.
 
What would Di be doing if she were alive today?
Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
 
Why did Elton John take his boyfriend to the funeral?
So at least one old queen would be seen to cry in public.
 
If you go out on the grog, then get in a car with a Wog and a Frog
and drive like a hog, you'll be as dead as a dog.
 
Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Di....
Roxette - Crash! Boom! Bang!
Michael Jackson - Blood on the dashboard
 
What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last greatest hit was the WALL.
 
What did Dodi say to Di before they left the Ritz?
"Do you want to sleep here or crash in the car?"
 
What does Diana and George Burns have in common?
They both died when they hit 100.
 
What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind?
The dashboard.
 
How did Di and Charles dissagree about Modern Archectecture?
Di was wrapt about pre-stressed cement.
 
What's worse than getting red wine off carpet?
Getting Di off the uphostery.
 
What do Di and Darren Millane have in common?
They both didn't make it home from the tunnel.
 
What was Princess Diana's last words to the paparazzi?
"Leave me alone, I'm a bloody princess. You photographers drive me
 up the wall."
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Jun 1998 to 10 Jun 1998
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