HUMOR Digest - 8 Jun 1998 to 9 Jun 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 513 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Frankie (Pun)
  2. Rejected Motel Six Slogans (Adult)
  3. The right gift.
  4. Home Town (one more time)
  5. Walking
  6. Frank's Legacy  <pun>
  7. The right-wing Christian Dictionary
     (May be offensive to some Christians)
  8. Duck News <time waster>
  9. Horseback riding
 10. Princess Di Jokes Part 3
     (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
 11. 11th-hour tweaks for Windows '98
 12. The Best Of The Worst! - Part 1/2 <clean>
 
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Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 23:39:26 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Frankie (Pun)
 
Many people are unaware that Frank Sinatra was an ecologist. He
found out that the herds of animals in Africa were being forced off
their native lands into game reserves where they were more apt to
be eaten by their natural enemies due to the crowded conditions.
 
These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of
water, but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes.
This resulted in abnormal losses in the herds.
 
Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a LOT of money to
trying to find out where there may be some open land to put the
animals so they wouldn't be so crowded. Frank's idea was to go to
the watering holes and load the animals on large barges and take
them to other lands and then set them free.
 
In order to accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a
best-selling song about it. We've all heard the song before. It
starts out "Start spreading the Gnus..." The title of the song was,
of course... "New Ark, New Ark."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 03:06:38 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Rejected Motel Six Slogans (Adult)
 
16) We're working on that smell thing, too.
15) Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14) As seen on "COPS"
13) If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the
    Sheets
12) Not just for nooners anymore.
11) We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10) You rented the room, now buy the video.
 9) Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't
    have money left over for a hooker.
 8) We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
 7) Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary
    there on *your* salary, pal!
 6) We don't make the adultery.  We make the adultery *better*
 5) It's Hookerriffic!
 4) Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
 3) Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art
    since 1962!
 2) Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
 
      and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
 
 1) We put the "Ho" in "Motel"
 
          --thanks to Charles Silver)
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
http://members.wbs.net/homepages/r/a/i/rainybow.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 09:21:24 +0100
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: The right gift.
 
A true story.
 
A local with a drinking problem  spent 2 months in a de-tox clinic
getting off the drink. He had all the treatments; psychological,
behavioral, positive reinforcement etc. Well after the 2 months he
was totally clear of drink and its effects.
 
WELLLLL to celebrate they threw him a party, and his closest
friends gave him a large bottle of champaign.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 04:55:06 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Home Town (one more time)
 
I must have struck a chord with the "My Home Town is so small..."
jokes.  People are still forwarding them to me.  These are from
Heavy Lenny.
                     -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 
My home town is so small it's built on a one-way street. If you
happen to pass it by mistake, you have to go clear around the
world to get back to it again.
 
It did have a town aquarium... with a live anchovy.
 
They gave me the key to the city and everyone changed their locks.
 
We had a town newspaper... yearly... the last headline was:
"Town Pigeon Mugs Town Squirrel".
 
It was founded on April Fools' Day as a practical joke.
 
The town flag has only 13 stars.
 
The Howard Johnson's has only one flavor of ice cream.
 
We don't have a hospital... we have a first aid kit.
 
It's also a strict town... you need a prescription to buy a malted.
 
It's also very dull... one day the tide went out & never came back.
 
For fun on Saturday nights, we'd bob for prunes.
 
We didn't even have a bank...
as soon as someone gets enough money, they'd leave.
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 07:03:07 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Walking
 
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the
women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how
to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
 
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
 
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the
group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.
 
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 10:21:43 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Frank's Legacy  <pun>
 
     [Duplicate post removed for Archival Purposes]
        (See Stan Kegel's "Frankie" post above)
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 16:20:42 -0400
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: The right-wing Christian Dictionary
         (May be offensive to some Christians)
 
Activist
Anyone you disagree with. Thus, "activist" judges, "activist"
unions, "activist" school boards, and "activist" homosexuals.
 
Agenda
All political objectives you oppose. Democrats, liberals,
feminists, gays, environmentalists have "agendas."  Right-wing
politicians have "hopes" and "dreams" and "godly plans of action."
 
Boycott
God's preferred method of social change. If the targeted
organization capitulates to a boycott, it is proof of "the power
of God to change hearts." However, if a boycott is unsuccessful,
it proves the organization being boycotted is "hardened" and "in
the grip of the Devil."
 
Broken families
Refers only to divorce and applies to ALL divorces. Families are
never "broken" or "shattered" by bad marriages, domestic violence,
child abuse, incest, or molestation.
 
Career
The greatest deception ever perpetrated upon women by "radical
feminists" and one of the primary causes for The Breakdown Of The
Family. Careers for women are "destructive" and "unfulfilling"
compared to full-time child-rearing and home education.  Women who
attempt to balance family and career are seen as "shirking their
God-given responsibility" and are responsible for creating another
"generation without values."
 
Civil rights
The concept of equal legal rights; applies to everyone except gay
& lesbian Americans for whom equal rights become "special" rights.
 
Deception
Term describing the state of being a fellow Christian is in if they
disagree with you on a social or theological issue. For example, if
another Christian holds views that are pro-choice, pro-gay rights,
or anti-death penalty, then they are "deceived."  If the same
Christian makes a logical, reasoned argument for their position,
then they are "misled." If the same Christian also makes a
Scriptural argument for their position, then they are "false
teachers," "rebellious," and guilty of "twisting the Word." See
"Liberal."
 
Death Penalty
A form of punishment not used often enough. Most right-wing
Christians long for the day when this is implemented against gays
and lesbians. (See "Compassion.")  The only time the death penalty
is not considered "God's mighty judgment" is when a death row
inmate has become a born-again Christian. Then, the death penalty
is "unnecessary" and seen as an "impediment to further ministry"
by the inmate slated for execution.
 
Disney
The main force behind The Collapse of Traditional Moral Values,
and one of society's greatest threats to The Family, second only
to gays and lesbians. Responsible for creating and popularizing
the idea of domestic partner benefits.
 
Domestic partner benefits
Given by most progressive businesses and large corporations years
before Disney offered them.  Seen as a sign of "collapsing moral
values" and as one of the largest threats to The Family. Main
impetus for implementing The Boycott, but only against certain
companies.  See "Disney."
 
Domestic violence
A mythical problem that does not affect The Family, does not injure
or kill Christian women, and is never to be addressed.
 
The Family
Unit of: heterosexual male head of household married for life to
hetero-sexual female homemaker, with biological homeschooled
children conceived without birth control at least 9 months after
marriage in conservative Bible-believing church.  No exceptions.
 
Feminist
Term (derogatory) for women not sufficiently submissive.
Responsible for:
neglected children, teenage pregnancy, unemployed males, poor SAT
scores, breakdown of The Family.
 
Gay/Lesbian
Homosexual is the preferred term, as it focuses more explicitly on
sex. With feminists and liberals, responsible for nearly all social
ills (with the possible exception of abortion).
 
Gay Christians
Not possible.  Those that claim to exist are "trapped" in a state
of Deception, and are first in line for the Lake of Fire because
they "twist God's Word."  To save them, right-wing Christians must
exercise "compassion" and tell them that God wants to kill them.
 
God
See "Republican".
 
Hate Crimes
Do not exist. Just another lie from "militant radical homosexual
activists."
 
Heterosexuals
Never used.  Assumed to be everyone on earth, except for tiny
number of "militant radical homosexual activists".
 
Hollywood
The source of all evil in Western Civilization. Controlled either
by Disney, feminists, liberals, and "militant radical homosexual
activists" or Time-Warner when a new rap album is released. Also
known as "Mystery Babylon" and "the pit of Hell."
 
Homosexuals
Tiny minority of "militant radical activists" seeking special
rights, hiring quotas and the destruction of The Family. Recent
phenomena signaling The End Is Near.
 
Judicial system
Varying definitions.  When ruling against you, the courts are a
sneaky way of subverting the "will of the people".  Otherwise, a
perfectly acceptable way of enforcing God's Will.
 
Materialism
Does not exist; therefore, not an issue.  Massive personal wealth
among leaders of organizations you support is further evidence of
"God's favor."
 
Media
No such thing.  Always "liberal, secular, biased media."
Responsible for:
teenage pregnancy, illiteracy, sexual addictions, earthquakes,
and the breakdown of The Family.
 
Militant
Never applied to political positions you agree with. Militant
pro-lifers, militant pro-family-ists, and militant Christians
are a contradiction in terms.
 
Persecution
Suffered if your position on an issue is actively opposed. Examples
of "persecution" include investigative journalistic reporting, any
lawsuit filed against a church organization by the ACLU, or being
yelled at by people you have harassed by fax or phone or
misrepresented in your fund-raising materials.
 
Physician
Any doctor, except those who perform abortions. Physicians who
perform abortions are "abortionists". See "baby-killer."
 
Radical
Applied to anyone who disagrees with you.  Thus, "radical"
homosexuals, "radical" feminists, "radical" environmentalists.
Right-wing Christians are not radical, they are "committed" and
"focused."
 
Republican
See "God."
 
Social engineering (syn. social experimentation)
Term for the "activist agendas" of political opponents.  Opposite
is the "natural God-given plan" as defined only by right-wing
Christians.
 
"Special" rights
Applied only to gay and lesbian Americans.  Refers to marriage,
adoption and other rights automatically granted to heterosexuals.
 
Supreme Court
"Activist" when ruling against you. But "evidence of the mighty
hand of God" when ruling in your favor or when Clarence Thomas is
admitted to the bench.
 
Supreme Court appointments
Varying definitions. A presidential right, if president is
Republican. Called "stacking the court" if president is Democrat.
 
Ten Percent
A lie about the percentage of the population that is gay or lesbian
popularized by "militant radical homosexual activists", when in
fact Right-wing Christian organizations have "proven" the figure
is closer to one percent. How one percent of the population is
responsible for The Destruction Of The Family is never clearly
explained. See "Avoiding Difficult Questions."
 
"Will of the people" 
Used only when the public votes your way. Acceptable method of
denying constitutional rights of minorities. Never used when public
opinion is against you (i.e. abortion, doctor-assisted suicide,
etc.).
 
Women
See "wives," "mothers," or "homemakers."  No other definition
available.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 15:25:11 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Duck News <time waster>
  
A duck that can't swim has become an honorary flight lieutenant in
the British air force at Marham, England, and has been outfitted
with a life jacket. To save taxpayer money he'll use his own
flippers.
 
This brings up several questions. Like:
  - If other ducks also want life jackets, might the RAF face
    charges of duck discrimination?
  - Is a duck in a life jacket more likely to waddle funny?
  - Does a duck need a security clearance to paddle around an air
    force lagoon?
  - If you don't salute him, can you be punished for dissing a
    duck?
  - Can this duck fly on his own, or will he need help there, too?
  - Duck flaps and twin turbos?
  - Will the other members of his flight team have to learn to
    quack?
  - If he can't swim, is it possible this duck may not actually
    know he's a duck, and could he run off with a good-looking
    young chicken?
 
          --from Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 18:11:13 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Horseback riding
 
A man was talked into going horseback riding -- something he didn't
want to do because he once dreamed he would die in the saddle. The
owner of the stables told him that the horse he would be riding
would, on its own, take him along the trails leading in and out of
the forests, through the fields and eventually back to the stables.
 
The owner told the nervous rider that there were only two things he
had to remember. The first was that if he wanted the horse to go
forward, he had to say, "Thank God" and if he wanted the horse to
stop, all he had to say was "Hallelujah."
 
About an hour into his ride, the horse suddenly bolted down a field
which, at the end of the field, was a deep chasm in which the
bottom was two hundred feet from the top of the cliff.
 
The rider yelled, "Whoa" but naturally that didn't work. As the
horse was about to leap into the chasm, the rider yelled,
"Hallelujah" and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
 
As the rider peered into the chasm, his heart began to beat rapidly
and he looked up heavenward and cried out in great joy, "Thank
God!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 15:21:38 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Princess Di Jokes Part 3
         (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
 
Did you hear that Di is going to get married again?
They say its a match made in heaven.
 
Why did Dodi invest in construction?
He wanted to make a big impact on the concrete industry.
 
Why did Henry Paul swerve into the pillar?
He wanted to see if a Mercedes Bends....
 
Why did Princess Diana get to the Pearly Gates before Mother
     Theresa?
Mother T. deserved a Royal Reception.
 
Did you see the wall Di drove into?
Neither did she.
 
Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her?
It's going to be called "Di hard" or "Live and Let Di"
 
How does one make mincemeat? Use a mincer...
How does the Government make mincemeat? They build tunnels.
 
Its politically incorrect to say that someone has Di'd.
You say someone's life came to an end.
 
Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
The Crash Test Dummies couldn't make it!
 
What does DIANA stand for?
Died in a nasty accident.
 
What does DODI stand for?
Died opposite Di.
 
What did Mother Theresa ask Diana the last time they met?
"Can you give me a crash course in media recognition?"
 
What did the Pope say when asked, "Why was Diana more popular than
     Mother Theresa?"
"Well, Di did have a more smashing personality."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 18:41:27 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: 11th-hour tweaks for Windows '98
 
          11th-hour tweaks for Windows '98 by Microsoft
 
10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up
    screen.
 9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site
    ending in ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that
    Microsoft is not a monopoly.
 8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros.
    Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my
    sweet Satan."
 7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an
    Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes
    your long distance carrier to AT&T.
 6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from
    your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.
 5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to
    the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products."
 4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed
    to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me."
 3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.
 2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of
    Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide
    economic collapse!
 1. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows:
    Assimilate."
 
          --from CNET.com
            thanks to Ellen.Lee@quester.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Jun 1998 09:37:11 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Best Of The Worst! - Part 1/2 <clean>
 
THE WORST HIJACKING
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the
most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever.  On a flight across America,
he rose from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.
"Take me to Detroit", he demanded.
 
"We're already going to Detroit", she replied...
 
"Oh... good", he said, and sat down again...
 
 
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank
of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving
doors... They had to be helped free by the staff and, after
thanking everyone, sheep-ishly left the building.  A few minutes
later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the
bank, but none of the staff believed them.  When they demanded
5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced
that it was a practical joke.
 
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
clutching his ankle...
 
The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the
revolving doors again...
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Jun 1998 to 9 Jun 1998
**********************************************
 
