HUMOR Digest - 7 Jun 1998 to 8 Jun 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 514 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:

  1. Exercise
  2. Computer Viruses
  3. Dat's A lotta Words
  4. Justice Department Sues Women
  5. Princess Di Jokes Part 2
     (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
  6. Men Bashing <offensive to men, plus adult & language warning>
  7. Pet Appreciation Week <just plain dumb>
  8. Research Papers
  9. Ironic comments & questions about contemporary life
 10. Indian Improvements<offensive to Indians>
 11. Maternity Problems <adult>
 
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Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 04:55:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Exercise
 
* I woke up the other morning with a real desire to exercise --
  So I stayed in bed till the desire went away.
                           - - - - -
 
* I walk everywhere for my health --
  but I never find it.
                           - - - - -
 
* I may not jog or workout --
  but I'm a very brisk eater.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr has come up with a brand new exercise --
  she shops faster.
                           - - - - -
 
* Somebody told me to try walking backwards for increased exercise.
  I put on eight pounds.
                           - - - - -
 
* I even get exercise from magazines.  I bend over to pick up all
  those subscription cards that keep falling out.
                           - - - - -
 
* I don't believe in jogging or working out at a gym.
  When I die, I want it to be from some illness.
                           - - - - -
 
* My cardiologist says I have the body of a 35 year old.
  He even told me where the guy was buried.
                           - - - - -
 
*   I was bragging to a neighbor the other day that I could still
  do everything I did when I was thirty.
    Mrs JimJr spoke up and said, "Yeah.  And you should have seen
  what terrible shape he was in when he was thirty."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 09:51:26 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Computer Viruses
 
   Please be Alert - These New Viruses have Shown up Recently!
 
* Woody Allen Virus
  Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
 
* Tonya Harding Virus
  Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.
 
* Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
  Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
 
* Ollie North Virus
  Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
                    ====================
 
 Warning - These Viruses may Cause Infectious Laughter
 
* Jane Fonda Virus
  Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
 
* Oprah Winfrey Virus
  Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB then slowly
  expands to 300MB.
 
* Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
  Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back...
 
* O.J. Simpson Virus
  It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of
   your files and vows to find the virus that did.
                    ====================
 
Beware these Dreaded Computer Viruses...
 
* Ronald Reagan Virus
  Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
 
* Ross Perot Virus
  Activates every component of your system, just before the whole
  darn thing quits!
 
* Government Economist Virus
  Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything
  is fine.
 
* Politically Correct Virus
  Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an
  "electronic micro-organism".
                    ====================
 
More Hilarious Viruses to Watch For...
 
* AT&T Virus
  Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're
  getting.
 
* MCI Virus
  Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying to much for
  the AT&T virus.
 
* Adam and Eve Virus
  Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
 
* Freudian Virus
  Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard or
  becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 11:51:38 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Dat's A lotta Words
 
A husband proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed
her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 1,100
words a day, where as women use 2,200 words a day.
 
She though about this for awhile and then told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say.
 
He said "What?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 10:26:23 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Justice Department Sues Women
 
(WASHINGTON, JRI) -- The U.S. Justice Department, 50 states and
Washington, D.C., formally filed antitrust lawsuits against the
female gender today for the bundling of affection with sexual
gratification. "Women have a monopoly on that thang," announced
Janet Reno, ironically the sole exception to that rule.  "For years
now, they have extorted affection and in some cases marriage from
men who simply seek access to said thang."
 
The lawsuit seeks to establish a true marketplace for sexual
satisfaction, free from the distortion of anti-competitive
practices.  Women's organizations were quick to dismiss the suit
as "frivolous."
 
"However," noted NOW President Jill Ireland, "in order not to
further distort the legal process, we will refrain from all but
true procreative sexual activity for the duration of the lawsuit
so that no juror bias is possible."  A settlement is expected soon.
 
          --Jim Rosenberg
            http://www.wirecom.com/jim/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 00:43:38 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Princess Di Jokes Part 2
         (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
 
Where does Princess Di stay when in Paris?
Any place she can crash.
 
What did the Queen Mother give Fergie for her birthday?
A Black Mercedes and a trip to Paris.
 
What do you give the princess who has everything?
A seatbelt and an airbag.
 
What did St Peter say to Di at the Pearly Gates?
Wipe that "merc" off your face.
 
What's Di getting for Xmas?
The Queen Mother.
 
What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz?
You get mints after dinner at the London Ritz and minced after
     dinner at the Paris Ritz.
 
What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy
     Egyptian?
A solidly-built Pole.
 
Of course, I could add that the police at the scene didn't need to
add chalk outlines... There was Di all over the road.
 
What's the difference between a Mercedes 600 and a can of spam?
They give you a key to get the meat out a can of spam.
 
Why was it questionable if Princess Diana would have made a good
     queen?
She had tunnel vision.
 
How many paparazzi does it take to kill Di?
50. One to drive infront of Di and 49 to take pictures.
 
How can you tell which one was Charles at the funeral?
He was the one talking to the flowers.
 
What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?
5 days.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 16:14:21 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Men Bashing
         <offensive to men, plus adult & language warning>
 
                    Another Case of Men Bashing
 
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you
 
Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns
 
Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
A: No mind - No business
 
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped
 
Q: Why is it hard for a woman to find men who are sensitive,
   caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends
 
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches
   you'll get  or how long it will last
 
Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 15:53:48 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Pet Appreciation Week <just plain dumb>
 
This is Pet Appreciation Week, a time to do something special for
your pet, something they'll really appreciate, like:
 
Lick your dog in the face.
 
Bring your cat a dead bird.
 
Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.
 
Make a concerted effort to learn to purr.
 
Eat supper on the floor.
 
Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really
awful.
 
          --from Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 19:05:01 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Research Papers
 
   Glossary for Research Papers:  Strictly Speaking
 
THEY WRITE                                      THEY MEAN
  
It has long been known that...         I haven't bothered to look
                                       up the original reference
 
of great theoretical and practical     interesting to me
importance
 
While it has not been possible to      The experiments didn't work
provide definite answers to these      out, but I figured I could
questions.                             at least get a publication
                                       out of it.
 
The W-Pb system was chosen as          The fellow in the next lab
especially suitable to show the        had some already made up
predicted behavior...
 
High purity...                         Composition unknown except
Very high purity...                    for the exaggerated claims
Extremely high purity...               of the supplier
Super-purity...
Spectroscopically pure...
 
A fiducial reference line               A scratch
 
Three of the samples were               The results of the others
chosen for detailed study               didn't make sense and were
                                        ignored..
 
handled with extreme care               not dropped on the floor
during the experiments
 
Typical results are shown               The best results are shown
 
Although some detail has been lost      It is impossible to tell
in reproduction, it is clear from       from the micrograph
the original micrograph that...
 
Presumably at longer times...           I didn't take the time to
                                        find out
 
The agreement with the predicted        
curve is:
     excellent                          fair
     good                               poor
     satisfactory                       doubtful
     fair                               imaginary
     good as could be expected          non-existent
 
These results will be reported at       I might get around to this
a later date                            sometime
 
The most reliable values are those      He was a student of mine
of Jones
 
It is suggested that...
It is believed that...                  I think...
It may be that...
 
It is generally believed that....       I have such a good
                                        objection to this answer
                                        that I shall now raise it.
 
It is clear that much additional        I don't understand it
work will be required before a
complete understanding...
 
Unfortunately, a quantitative           Neither does anybody else
theory to account for these
effects has not been formulated
 
Correct within an order of magnitude    Wrong
 
It is to be hoped that this work        This paper isn't very good
will stimulate further work in          but neither are any of the
the field                               others on this miserable
                                        subject
 
Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for         Glotz did the work and Doe
assistance with the experiments         explained what it meant.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 19:38:07 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ironic comments & questions about contemporary life
 
If you are going to tailgate me that closely, please don't push in
your cigarette lighter.
 
Is anyone else sick and tired of putting your knife into a quart
mayonnaise jar that's not quite empty and getting mayonnaise all
over your fingers? Mayonnaise jars should be short and fat, not
tall and round.
 
I know people who are fastidious. I also know people who are
slowtidious.
 
I have always wondered what I look like with a blindfold on.
 
Ever since I crossed the shamrock with the poison ivy I've had a
rash of good luck.
 
A nuclear family is one with boom boxes, because it's radio-active.
 
Teachers will soon be appreciated: Should is almost out and the
free baby-sitting service will end.
 
We took prayer out of our school and now they have guns.
 
You know you have finally arrived when the entire crew of the
Waffle House calls you by your given name.
 
When I was in school, my only fear was being caught chewing gum.
 
If I owed $5.4 trillion on my credit cards and got a $39 billion
tax refund, I certainly would consider it a "surplus."
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Jun 1998 18:39:48 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Indian Improvements<offensive to Indians>
 
In a contest to pick the people with the best brains a Scientific
Institute issues a rubber hose. It is sent to the Russians. They
put a circuit into it to generate music.
 
It is sent to the Japanese. They improve on the circuit to allow
tiny pictures to be displayed on a screen.
 
It is sent to the Indians. After a week it comes back totally
intact. There has been nothing done to it.
 
The scientists are curious. "What have you done to it," asks the
head scientist.
 
The Indian turns over the hose and points to the tiny lettering at
the back. It reads " Made in India."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Jun 1998 11:02:50 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Maternity Problems <adult>
 
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has
to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might
happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while
now... Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees
the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the
empty air, filled with hopeless desire...
 
Feeling sorry for her husband,she opens the top drawer of the
cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill,and gives it to him:
- Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this & go to the
woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and
remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about
it again.
 
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may
change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.  A few
minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says
with much disappointment: She said this is not enough, she wants
sixty...
 
The wife's face slowlyturns red with anger:
- Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant & her husband came over
here... I charged him only fifty...
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Jun 1998 to 8 Jun 1998
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