HUMOR Digest - 6 Jun 1998 to 7 Jun 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 493 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Dogs
  2. The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"
  3. The Accident
  4. Your Tax Dollars at Work? <offensive to government workers>
  5. New Movies (puns)
  6. Mom's Brownies
  7. Dear Paula from the NBA (political satire)
  8. Games
  9. Princess Di Jokes Part 1
    (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
 10. Born loser
 
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Date:    Sat, 6 Jun 1998 03:45:08 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Dogs
 
* A dog is a man's best friend because it wags its tail --
  not its tongue.
                           - - - - -
 
* I was bitten on the leg once by a dog. Mrs JimJr asked if I had
  put anything on it. I told her, "No, he liked it just as it was."
                           - - - - -
 
* I got a spam mail the other day that was actually a little bit
  interesting.  Claimed I could make a lot of money selling dog
  biscuits that tasted just like a mailman's leg.
                           - - - - -
 
* After years with a psychiatrist, a man who thought he was a dog
  declared cured.  A friend asked him how he felt now.  The former
  patient replied, "Fine !  Just feel my nose."
                           - - - - -
 
* A Yuppette was hired as an Animal Control Warden (aka
  "dogcatcher") by Howard County.  On her first day, her supervisor
  explained that her duties would be primarily catching stray
  animals.  She paused and reflected, then asked, "At what ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog.  I went to
  see how he was & found him writing furiously.  I told him rabies
  could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.
    He said, "Will, what will ?  I'm making a list of people I'm
  gonna bite."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Fox Hunts are still held in Howard County.  Once, by mistake, a
  female dog in heat was placed in the pack.  An observer asked,
  "How's it going ?"
    An official replied, "Well, I can't tell for sure yet.  But I
  think the fox is running about fifth."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Jun 1998 09:49:38 -0400
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"
 
15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
 
14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite
     loop.
 
13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0,
    the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is
    left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
 
12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
 
11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999
    years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
 
10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
 
 9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny...
    oops, too late!
 
 8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-
    laden formula becomes legal again.
 
 7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's
    almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899,"
    which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
 
 6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the
    "Gatesian" calendar.
 
 5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL
    programmers.

 4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is
    only 103.
 
 3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever
    Assassinate President McKinley"
 
 2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson
    mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
 
    ...and the # 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the Millennium Bug
 
 1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe
    understaffing of fast-food restaurants.
 
 
http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/summit/300
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Jun 1998 09:24:59 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Accident
 
A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his
parked car is rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he
read it.
 
On the paper is written: As I'm writing this, about a dozen people
are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number,
and insurance company.  But I'm not............
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Jun 1998 14:22:49 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Your Tax Dollars at Work?
         <offensive to government workers>
 
                    Government Workers
 
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his
tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.  He stood by his
car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along
the roadside.  One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and
then move on.  The other man came along behind and filled in the
hole.  While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet
behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow
with the soft drink and went on down the road.
 
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash
 container and headed down the road toward the men.  "Hold it, hold
 it," he said to the men.  "Can you tell me what's going on here
 with this digging?"
 
"Well, we work for the government," one of the men said.
 
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
 You're not accomplishing anything.  Aren't you wasting the
 taxpayers' money?"
 
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on 
 his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us --
 me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree,
 and Mike here puts the dirt back. "Now just because Rodney's sick,
 that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Jun 1998 11:34:20 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: New Movies (puns)
 
I have an inside source in Hollywood who sends me information about
some of the new movies that are currently in production at the
various film studios. Here are some samples:
 
Julia Roberts and Richard Gere will star in a movie aobut a former
prostitute who gets a job answering phones for a urologist. It's
called AN OFFICE WHORE AND A GENITAL MAN.
 
Richard Dreyfus is working again. He plays a well dressed man who
is bombarded by birds from outer space. It's called CLOTHES
ENCOUNTERS OF THE TURD KIND.
 
Barbara Streisand and Nick Nolte are working on a film about a
photographer who shoots pictures of laundry detergents. The working
title is PRINTS OF TIDES.
 
Debra Winger will narrate a serious nature documentary exploring
the mystery of a caribou burial ground. DEERS OF INTERMENT
 
In a bio-pic based on the life of Natalie Cole, Sissy Spacek will
portray the popular singer in her very early years as she tries to
live up to her father's expectations. It's called COLE'S MINOR
DAUGHTER
 
Sly Stalone will go one more round in yet another sequel. Rocky
quits boxing and takes a coaching position for a slow-pitch
softball team comprised of prostitutes who are trying to form a
league of their own. It's called ROCKY'S WHORE PITCHES SLOW.
 
Ben Kingsley has been cast in the role of Rhet Butler in the long
awaited double sequel. GHANDI WITH THE WIND. In this story Rhet has
bought the farm and left Scarlett to care for his sacred cow. The
film closes with Scarlett ruminating, "Here today, Ghandi morrow,
but tomorrow is an UDDER day."
 
Jimmy Swaggart will play himself in an autobiographical flim that
highlights his weakness for women in black silk stockings. It's
called THE PREACHER IS A BLACK LEG GOON.
 
Glen Close will star in yet another remake of the classic, KING
KONG. She will play the role made famous by Faye Raye, the
screaming woman with whom the giant ape is fascinated. You guessed
it, FAYE DOLL ATTRACTION
 
Arnold Schwartzenegger has finally been cast in a role where his
accent will make sense. He plays the title role in the Jeffrey
Dahmer story. THE GERMAN ATE HER TOO.
 
Some clever editing has allowed the producers to finally finish
George Burns' and John Denver's last project. It's a monster flick
called OH GODZILLIA.
 
          --by Gary Hallock
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Jun 1998 15:00:54 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mom's Brownies
 
- Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
- Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
- Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
- Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
- Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
- Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
- Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
- Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while
  removing shortening from cat's tail.
- Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
- Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and
  windows for ventilation.
- Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the
  call was a mistake.  Call operator and attempt to have direct
  dialed call removed from bill.
- Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
- Let cat out of refrigerator.
- Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
- Bake 25 minutes.
- Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.  Explain to kids that
  you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.  Throw cat outside
  while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
 
                        FROSTING
 
Mix the following in saucepan:
- 1 cup sugar
- 1 oz unsweetened chocolate
- 1/4 cup margarine
- Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it
  away -- far away.
- Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you
  didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for
  the street.  Put Jr in playpen.
- Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for
  2 minutes.
- Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a
  garden hose in man's front door mail slot.  Promise to pay for
  ruined carpet.
- Tie Billy to clothesline.
- Remove burned brownies from oven.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Jun 1998 15:28:22 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Dear Paula from the NBA (political satire)
 
(Fan mail for Paula Corbin Jones which was subpoenaed with the
 approval Judge Kenneth Starr by Congressman Dan Burton and
 selectively released to the public in order to destroy their
 political enemies).
 
Dear Paula,
 
On behalf of the National Bomb Association, I wish to invite you to
become our 1998-1999 Queen and chief spokes-lady. Our motto is
"Bombs don't kill, terrorist kill." We are a well-financed by
construction, manufacturing, mining, and fishing concerns.
 
We look forward to negotiating a generous salary. If you find our
contract suitable, you can expect to receive at lease a 50% raise
over your annual earnings from the Rutherford Institute. We also
have special fringe benefits. You will have lifetime free rental
(including water and sewage) at our Los Alamos, New Mexico, Mobile
Home Park (homes must be no smaller than a standard double-wide).
 
You will have an opportunity to invest in our new venture, the
Roswell, New Mexico, Mobile Home Park and Pure Breed Aliens Casino.
We can arrange special financing through the Silverado Savings and
Loans with a minimum investment. For as long as you or your husband
work for our Association, you will have unlimited use of our
Environmental Resort on Bikini Atoll.
 
And there is of course the prestige of being associated with
correct-thinking, loyal, conservative, Christian, patriots,
freedom-loving, God-fearing, rich Americans.
 
The National Bomb Association is a nonpartisan, nonprofit
organization.
 
We have carefully reviewed your qualifications for this job. We
have a few minor requirements. First, you will be given a free
breast augmentation. Your husband will be even more proud to be
seen with you. Second, you will never go near nor say the words
"Oklahoma City." Third, you will take a Dale Carnegie public
speaking course.
 
We at the National Bomb Association look forward to an fulfilling
association with you. As our Queen, we have ever expectation that
our association will experience an explosive growth in membership.
 
In hope of your acceptance,
 
Dupont "Larry" Nobel
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Jun 1998 18:56:36 -0400
From:    alyssa j chase <taffy36@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Games
 
I believe men, like women, play games. They are just much simpler.
Kind of like comparing playing house to neurosurgery.
 
          --Lane Rohrbaugh
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 19:05:03 -0700
From:    ryan c tirrell <t.nexus@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Princess Di Jokes Part 1
         (Offensive To Princess Di and Her Fans)
 
WARNING. If you are offended by Princess Diana jokes
         PLEASE DO NOT READ!
 
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a few weeks ago?
Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood...
 
Why did the tunnel in Paris get so red?
Because they got Di all over it.
 
What does Princess Di turn into at midnight?
The wall.
 
How did they know that the driver had dandruff?
They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
 
What was the last thing Diana & Dodi had to drink?
4 Harvey Wallbangers, 2 Slammers, followed by 6 chasers.
 
What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
He's got a better driver.
 
There's a new organization out there to fight drunk driving....
M.A.D.D. Monarchs Against Drunk Drivers.
 
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Porsche?
Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Porsche!
 
Dodi said to his driver when in England...
Do you want to come to Paris with me and "Di"?
 
What does a mercedes and a squid have in common?
Nothing - you have to cut them both open to get the "Di" out.
 
What was the last thing Di said to Dodi?
Don't you think were taking this thing a little too fast?
 
What's the difference between Princess Di and the Notre Dame
      Football Team?
Notre Dame made it out of the tunnel.
 
Why is Nancy Reagan miffed at Princess Diana?
Because Diana gets to wear the next Versace collection before she
     does.
 
Diana's last words: "I said 'Beat them all', NOT 'Eat the wall!!!'"
 
          --thanks to the Dead Celebrities Home Page
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Jun 1998 22:41:56 -0500
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Born loser
 
George was walking on the beach cliffs by his house thinking of his
4 failed marriages, his 3 gay children and how he'd missed winning
the $150 million lottery by just one number when he stubbed his toe
on something that sent him plummetting over the cliff.
 
He'd tripped on a magic lamp that was plummetting down with him,
thereby awakening the genie who poked his head out, saw the danger,
and asked "If you could live your life over again, what would you
do differently?"
 
Immediately George replied, while plunging to his doom, "Live MY
life over again?  Couldn't I live somebody else's?"
 
 
http://members.tripod.com/~Purple9999
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Jun 1998 to 7 Jun 1998
**********************************************
 
