HUMOR Digest - 5 Jun 1998 to 6 Jun 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 646 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:

  1. Driving
  2. Viagra in Italy
  3. Top Ten Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
  4. 25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should be Served at Work
  5. My Ex (adult themes, off. to anatomically robust women)
  6. Glass eye
  7. Professional Humor (Don't try this at home)
  8. Heavenly Transportation
  9. The Beer Incident
 10. World's hardest quiz
 11. Pets
 12. Insincere comments and questions about contemporary life
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 03:44:35 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Driving
 
* Mrs JimJr and I pretty much gave up taking weekend drives.  See,
  I always had to take Mondays off to refold all the road maps.
                           - - - - -
 
* Not many people in Howard County walk. Just last week in
  Columbia, I saw 3 cars chasing one pedestrian.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr has improved her driving over the years I'll admit.
  When she started driving, she was only getting 40 miles to a
  fender.
                           - - - - -
 
* During the 70's I tried that gas and alcohol fuel mix. The Howard
  County Police kept stopping me and made my car blow up a balloon.
                           - - - - -
 
* Always watch out for children on the road.
  Most of them are terrible drivers.
                           - - - - -
 
* I'm not saying we have too many cars on the road in Maryland.
  But most of the Bluebirds are really Sparrows holding their
  breath.
                           - - - - -
 
* Pollution is already starting here, and it's not even summer yet.
  The other day I put air in my tires, and they coughed.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs. JimJr has a Saint Christopher medal hanging from the
  rearview mirror.  Of course, her Saint Christopher is wearing a
  crash helmet.
                           - - - - -
 
* I hate to stop at a red light.  When people see my car, they rush
  over thinking there's been an accident.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 16:21:29 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: Viagra in Italy
 
I understand that the pill form of Viagra is not yet licensed in
Italy; however, you can obtain in a different form. One company is
now producing Viagra ice cream which is blue in colour. Apparently
the main buyers of this ice cream are women! One can see how the
concept of ice would fit into the marketing strategy - images of
icicles. However, another company is putting Viagra in cheese,
which is also selling well.
 
What I can't understand is why they're using a soft cheese?
 
          --from RTHK
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 07:02:23 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Top Ten Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
 
10. Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
 9. Susan Lucci - Trips & breaks her neck while running up steps to
                  accept an Emmy
 8. Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
 7. Frank Sinatra - Killed by Strangers in the Night
 6. RuPaul - Prostate cancer
 5. O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent
                   suicide
 4. Madonna - Exposure
 3. Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
 2. Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease
 
     and the "Predicted" Number one most ironic celebrity death
 
 1. Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 06:09:56 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: 25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should be Served at Work
 
 1. It's an incentive to show up.
 2. It reduces stress.
 3. It leads to more honest communications.
 4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management
    wants to hear.
 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
 8. It encourages carpooling.
 9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
    don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to
     work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at
    the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of
    drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
    break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
 
          --thanks to Ellen.Lee@quester.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 12:00:52 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: My Ex (adult themes, off. to anatomically robust women)
 
Man, I used to date a big fat fucking pig.
                     --------------------
 
-- Big girl. Keeps her vibrator on a gun rack.
-- Keeps her contraceptive foam in a fire extinguisher.
-- One night she forgot her diaphragm, we used a hubcap.
-- She took off all her clothes, laid in bed, spread her legs...
      I said to myself, "What am I doing in this lane?
      I don't have exact change."
-- But she was always fat. She was born an only twin.
-- She used to find money that was left under her pillow
      by the tusk fairy.
-- I mean, you know a girl is fat if she's standing in front of you
      naked and you can't see her pubic hair.
-- She had cheese in the folds of her neck.
-- She was built like the Liberty Bell, only her crack was bigger.
-- I didn't know whether to fuck her, or take the burro ride down.
-- Her last gynecologist quit. He's afraid of the dark.
-- She puts in her tampons with a bazooka.
-- One night there was a fire in her apartment building, and the
      firemen were using her diaphragm to catch the people who
      were jumping out of the windows.
-- Big girl. Her clit has a knee.
-- I took her to Mount Rushmore, she couldn't decide which
      face to sit on...
-- It takes her an hour to take a dump...
      Forty-five minutes just to line up the holes.
-- She's got boogers the size of Swedish meatballs...
      Hey, when she sneezes, we've got appetizers.
-- Of course, she insists that she's not fat, it's just that they
      built the sidewalks too close to her ass.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 13:11:57 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Glass eye
 
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and
put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell
into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to
see a young woman looking down.
 
"Is this yours?" he asked.
 
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
 
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a
drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she
said, "I'm about to have dinner.There's plenty; would you like to
join me?"
 
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As
the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a
marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
 
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man
you meet?"
 
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 14:08:01 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <JMICA@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Professional Humor (Don't try this at home)
 
  Doctors and Clergy are two of the oldest professions..
 
                    From the Pulpit:
 
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license.  The family
troops out the driveway where he is going to take them for a ride
for the first time.  Dad immediately heads for the back seat,
directly behind the newly minted driver..
 
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all
 those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me
 how to drive," says the beamish boy to the 'ole man.
 
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of
 yer seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these
 years."
                    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
                    From the Doctor's Mouth:
 
Yesterday I had a physical.  As with every guy "of a certain age,"
the Doc gave me a prostate exam.
 
So there I am, wearing one of them backless hospital gowns, lying
on my side on the examination table, with my Doctor's finger up my
what-its.
 
"You know," says the Doc, "there's been far too much hype and humor
surrounding Viagra.  As far as I'm concerned, I think --no pun
intended-- the whole phenomenon is just gonna peter out."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 15:16:23 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Heavenly Transportation
 
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved
in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at
the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will
all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around
heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your
transport chosen accordingly."
 
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You
cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around
Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
 
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but
you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will
forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."
 
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a
fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you
never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel
through heaven in a Ferrari."
 
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to
Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands,
crying.
 
"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set
 forever! Why so down?"
 
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just
saw my wife go by on a skate board."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 15:39:00 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Beer Incident
 
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.  "I've
somethin' to tell ya."
 
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But
where's my husband?"
 
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.  There was an
accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
 
"Oh, Lord no!" cries Brenda.  "Please don't tell me..."
 
"I must, Brenda.  Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
 
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking
chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into
it. She wept for many minutes.  Finally she looked up at Tim. "How
did it happen, Tim?"
 
"It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and
drowned."
 
"Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim.  Did he at
least go quickly?"
 
"Well, no Brenda... no."
 
"No?"
 
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/7045/
http://members.wbs.net/homepages/r/a/i/rainybow.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 15:28:34 -0700
From:    Matthew R Hirsch <hmatt@JUNO.COM>
Subject: World's hardest quiz
 
2+2 =
   A - All of the above
   B - 27
   C - Vermont
   D - 186,000m/s
 
The largest state in Texas is:
   A - The United States
   B - 300,000 square miles
   C - Beverly Hills
   D - Birmingham
 
The atomic number for hydorgen is:
   A - 3,907,0389,3.84893
   B - McDonnel's
   C - .2
   D - 5:1
 
The largest ocean in the world is:
   A - The Titanic
   B - Lake Superior
   C - Mt. Everest
   D - 400
 
The 7 continents are:
   A - Asia, Africa, N. America, Antartica, S. America, Europe,
       Greenland
   B - Asia, Africa, N. America, Finland, Antartica, S. America,
       Europe, Austrailia
   C - 17
   D - B, C, D, F, G, H, J
 
The "Old West" was in which of these modern countries:
   A - Scandinavia
   B - Rome
   C -France
   D - The Hindenburg
 
The acronym for the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics stands for
what:
   A - American Longshoreman's Union
   B - Heart Surgery
   C - The United State's Special Rival
   D - The North Atlantic Treaty Organization
 
Shakespear was:
   A - A  kind of "Sword rattling"
   B - A king
   C - A cult leader
   D - A town in New York
 
The international dateline runs through:
   A - Sandwich, England
   B - Greeneston, Missouri
   C - 1-800-555-5678
   D - Hong Kong
 
World War I is:
   A - What triggered the U.S. to join Pearl Harbor
   B - One of NATO's greatest succeses
   C - The battle won by Napoleon
   D - The first major modern conflict
 
The novel "1989" is about:
   A - The year 2014
   B - Thousands of rats
   C - 9891 kinds of subliminal messages
   D - A history book
 
Beethoven's 9th is:
   A - Beethoven's last child
   B - A Christmas carol
   C - Schubert's 9th song
   D - The ninth chapter in Beethoven's famous book "Origin of the
       Species"
 
7 x 6 =
   A - 904
   B - 76
   C - Trombones that led the big parade.
   D - A fishing term.
 
This is the end of "The world's hardest quiz".  Your score is: O%.
But if you can answer the final bonus question, you can earn a "B".
If, not, well then...
 
The final problem:
 
Tolstoy's novel, "War and Peace" has how many books:
   A - 15
   B - 4
   C - Alexander the great.
   D - 9 to the power of 5
 
The Answer is: A
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 18:58:09 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Pets
 
It is reported that the following addition to the Book of Genesis
was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic it would
answer the question, "Where do pets come from?"
 
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it
is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
 
And God said, "No problem, I will create for you a companion, that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love
for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see
me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may
be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you
as I do, in spite of yourself."
 
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was
a good animal. And God was pleased.
 
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his
tail. And Adam said, " But Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal."
 
And God said, " No problem! Because I have created this new animal
to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."  And Dog
lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam
was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged
his tail.
 
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to
the Lord and said, " Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He
struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one
has taught him humility. "
 
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion
who will be with him forever and who will see him for who he is.
The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know
that he is not worthy of adoration. "
 
And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam. And Cat would not
obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded
that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
 
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog wagged
his tail.
 
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 20:52:37 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Insincere comments and questions about contemporary life
 
Why is it that when I read these questions and comments about
contemporary life to my girlfriend she always laughs, but when I
read them to my wife, she never does?
 
If you live on Memorial Drive, is every day Memorial Day?
 
Are the children of DUI lawyers embarrassed on Career Day?

To the driver on Johnson Ferry Road with the "What Would Jesus Do"
license plate holder: I am sure He wouldn't be flipping cigarette
butts out the window like you do.
 
My girlfriend tried cooking an Asian dish last night - she could
talk the talk but just couldn't wok the wok.
 
Cultivate good habits. The bad ones grow wild.
 
When shampoo makers advertise that their products give you
"healthier-looking" hair, does it mean that your hair isn't rally
healthier, it just looks like it is?
 
I'd like to report a bank robbery! I just added up all of my bank
service charges for last month. Shouldn't they be wearing masks or
something?
 
I wonder how long it will take McDonald's to figure out that the
Teenie Beanie Baby business is more profitable than peddling
tasteless hamburgers.
 
I couldn't wait for success, so I went on without it.
 
          --from http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Jun 1998 to 6 Jun 1998
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