HUMOR Digest - 4 Jun 1998 to 5 Jun 1998
There are 18 messages totalling 765 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Time to Diet ?
  2. A flame analysis <long, 80 lines & language>
  3. Is it "Work or Play" on Sundays??!! (adult)
  4. Dog Riddle
  5. some sexual innuendo
  6. Horny Toad. Suggestive.
  7. Amish Spring Break Activities (mild language warning)
  8. Densa Test, clean
  9. Anticipation
 10. Safe Boating Week <just plain dumb>
 11. Meeting her parents
 12. Play on Words Part 2
 13. Tape Worm <couple of words>
 14. Offensive to MicroSoft Fans
 15. Prison vs Work
 16. In a London Classroom <adult,off. to Pakis.>
 17. Baking Cookies
 18. AIDS <offensive to Indian politicians and AIDS patients>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 03:52:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Time to Diet ?
 
I heard on the news this week that one-third of all Americans
should go on a diet at once, & that over half of US citizens
are overweight.  I thought maybe some diet advice would help.
 
First, how do you know if you need to diet.  Well, if it takes
you three trips to go thru a turnstile -- maybe ya oughta diet.
Remember... your bath tub is not supposed to be form fitting.
 
I knew it was time for a diet myself when I started putting
mayonnaise on my aspirins.
 
 
* Unfortunately, the first thing that most people lose on any
  diet is their patience.
                                - - - - -
 
* Just think though, if half of the population goes on a diet,
  then America can truly be called a "melting pot".
                                - - - - -
 
* The second day of a diet is always a lot easier than the first;
  By the second day, most people are off the diet.
                                - - - - -
 
* Exercise is important too. With diet & lots of exercise, you'll
  soon find those extra pounds from your stomach all behind you.
                                - - - - -
 
* Be careful of sugar substitutes.  I had a friend who overused
  substitute sweeteners.  She died of artificial diabetes.
                                - - - - -
 
* Also, watch out for that "Drinking Man's Diet".  I went on that
  for 2 weeks once, and all I lost was 10 days.
                                - - - - -
 
* The banana-coconut-wine diet doesn't work too well either. You'll
  lose some weight, but ya keep falling out of the trees you climb.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 12:14:09 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: A flame analysis <long, 80 lines & language>
 
                         The flame
 
Listen you bitch, you obviously don't have anything better to do
than writing rude e-mails all day.  Be glad that I am sending this
to you personally and not the whole list, since I now understand
how it works thanks you your great and wonderful knowledge.  You
obviously think that you know everything about mailing lists so why
don't you just start your own one, get off this one and do us all a
favour!
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
I got your message loud and clear the fucking first time thank you!
The message that you are having a hernia about now was sent the day
before I received your first rude e-mail! I hope I never have to
read your bloody e-mails again! Get a fucking life!
                            Signed: "Margaret"
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
                         The analysis:
 
Ok, this is a fine example of how to conduct a good old-fashioned
flaming of someone (I might add, someone who has given you calm
advice and been ignored, then given you not so calm advice and
still been ignored and finally given rude advice and gotten a
response at last).
 
This person had the good-heartedness to send this to me personally
and not to the list (note that this is pointed out in the second
line of the flame - just so that I can know exactly how thankful
to be). Well, now the list has this fine example to wonder and
marvel at. I must admit that I am a tad under-whelmed at the
obviousness of the thinly veiled threat, and can only rate this
at a 4 out of 10. An opening move is such an important thing! You
must never throw it away in such a tedious fashion. Mercifully, the
flaming skill improves in buckets.
 
Far more interesting is the proposition that I have nothing better
to do all day than to write 'rude e-mails', specifically rude
e-mails to this person. Now, that shows a certain creative thought
process at work, that gets a 6 out of 10.
 
The once-upon-a-time eyecatching opening 'Listen you bitch' is a
classic example of how not to start a flame to a person with a
androgynous first name. Bitch just doesn't have the same effect on
a man... If you must use this tired old horse at the very least
scream it! Don't meakly peck out the word, stamp your fury on it
BITCH!!!
 
This at least shows that you mean it. Sorry Margaret, I have to
rate that cheap and nasty shot at a 1 out of 10.
 
The central core of a flame needs to show conviction, desire to 'go
the distance'. Margaret, you started weak but boy did you make up
for it in the heart of your flame. Not only do you slap me in the
face, in the very next breath you tell me that your sudden
comprehension, your epiphany, your theophany, almost, is all
because of little old me!
 
This is a great demonstration of a little used skill employed by
some expert flamers, the 'love/hate' mail. Hurt me and then kiss
me, thrill me, kill me... you get the picture. 9 out of 10 for such
a forceful ploy.
 
Margaret then proceeds to turn the tables yet again! What skill
Margaret! Now I only think that I know what I am doing! Casting
doubt in the mind of your perceived nemesis is a key tactic, 8 out
of 10.
 
Now, we come to the penultimate insult, Margaret speaks for the
entire list! Yes, I would be better off turning my attention on
myself and in desperation begin my very own mailing list. Not only
is the writer bringing their full force to bear, no, that is no
longer sufficient!
 
Margaret now wields the entire list like a scimitar, taking me off
at the knees. 9 out of 10 for such a magnificent approach.
 
After building us up to the ultimate insult it comes as, well, to
be frank, a disappointment. 'Get a fucking life'. Margaret, what
can I say? Weak, very weak. Especially as a closing gambit. 0 out
of 10. Let this error be a warning to all the fledgling flamers out
there, end with vigour and strength; end on a note of overwhelming
power so that your vanquished foe quivers with fear at the very
thought of reading a mail from your poison pen.
 
I would like to take this chance to thank Margaret for her highly
entertaining input. This is after all a humour list, and I for one
found her mail uproariously funny.
 
                               Signed:
                               "Robert"
 
          --(An actual exchange from another list)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 06:52:27 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Is it "Work or Play" on Sundays??!! (adult)
 
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is
not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion
on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My
son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is
not permitted on Sundays."

 
The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to
Minister, a married man, experienced, for the answer. He queries
the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for
the Sabbath!
 
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge, A Rabbi. The
Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely
play."
 
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others
tell me sex is work?"
 
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the
maid do it."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 12:07:05 +0100
From:    Nik Makepeace <psuol@CSV.WARWICK.AC.UK>
Subject: Dog Riddle
 
How do you make a dog go, "Meeeeeooooowwww!"
 
Strap it to the table and get handy with your buzzsaw!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 07:42:14 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: some sexual innuendo
 
Once upon a time, in the Deep South, a minister was siezed by a
terrible suspicion during the singing of a hymn in one of his
services, and just HAD to know if there was any truth to his
doubts; he signalled the choirmaster to silence the choir and
organ, and sure enough most of the congregation was merely mumming
the hymn, moving their mouths without producing any sound.
 
Appalled, he laid into them with a blistering extemporaneous
sermon, explaining the importance of the hymns as a part of the
liturgy, recounting the history of the use of hymns and music as
an integral part of worship, and informing them of their duty to
participate in common prayer and song.
 
He warmed to the theme, telling them in no uncertain terms that
they'd be sure to be damned for all eternity for having only
pretended to sing along, and didn't spare his descriptions of
the firey fate surely awaiting fakers. As an exercise, he told
them that he wanted them to FEEL the spiritual message of the
musical worship, and that he wanted them to all come dressed
up as their favorite hymn the following Sunday, and that any
parishoner not so costumed could expect to be denied entrance
to the church.  The meeting ended on this disquieting note,
the flock wanndering off lost in serious contemplation and
introspection.
 
Well, the next Sunday he was up at the church door bright and
early, to make sure that his orders were obeyed and that his
interdiction was enforced. No sir, he wasn't about to allow
admission to any disobedient slackers!
 
The first of the churchgoers showed up with a largish boulder
chaned to his ankle, almost like the ball-and-chain drawn on
prisoners by most unoriginal cartoonists.  The minister asked
what that was for, and the memeber excplained it was supposed
to represent the 'ROCK OF AGES'.
 
Nodding, the minister ushered him in, asking only that he shove
the rock under his pew in order that nobody trip over it.
 
Next to show up at the door was a fellow on stilts, claiming that
he was 'NEARER MY GOD TO THEE'.  With a warning to duck his head,
the preacher let him in, too.  He was glad to see that his flock
had taken him seriously, even though he had hoped for more
interesting costumes.
 
His attention was diverted from these thoughts by the arrival of
a young lady, in her early twenties, totally naked.  "What do you
think you're doing, child?" he asked, whipping off his jacket to
try to cover her.
 
"Why Reverend," she replied, "You told us to come as our favorite
hymn, didn't you? Well, I'm 'JUST AS I AM'."
 
Before the Rev could collect his wits enough to respond with just
what he thought of this, a young man of about the same age walked
up, almost as naked as 'JUST AS I AM'.  All that he wore was a
string around his waist, from which dangles bits of vegetation:
wheat, barkey, oats, rapeseed, rye, canola, rice, amaranth,
triticale, etc.  "And just what the Hell hymn are you supposed to
be?" demanded the pastor, not at all liking the tendancy towards
nudity that he was noticing, so upset that he forgot to watch his
language.
 
"Well, Reverend," the young mas grinned, eyeing his partially
jacket-covered predecessor, "I thought I was 'BRINGING IN THE
SHEAVES', but if you don't get 'JUST AS I AM' covered up, I'll
going to be 'COMING THROUGH THE RYE!!!'"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 13:56:31 +0100
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: Horny Toad. Suggestive.
 
What did the horny toad say to his wife?
NeeditNeeditNeedit.
 
What did his wife say in return?
RubitRubitRubitRubit.
 
So he went to the Adult Book store and asked the sales clerk to
show him some Adult books. The clerk did, and the horny toad kept
saying... ReaditReaditReaditReadit.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 09:13:18 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Amish Spring Break Activities (mild language warning)
 
               Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
 
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
 9. Wet bonnet contest.
 8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
 7. Buttermilk kegger.
 6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
 5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns."
 4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with
    zippers.
 3. Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
 2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite butt.
 1. Churn butter neeked.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 11:18:34 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Densa Test, clean
 
You've heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ's of 140 and
above? Well this test is similar, it's from DENSA.  It's a lot more
fun. Give it a try:
 
Write down or remember your answers and DON'T CHEAT!!!!!
 
 1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?  Yes/No
 2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
 4. How many outs are there in an inning?
 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's
    sister?    Yes/No
 6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
 7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do
    you have?
 8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one
    every half an hour.  How many minutes would the pills last?
 9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are
    left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he
    weigh?
12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. A plane crashes on the Canadian - US border.  In which
    country you bury the survivors?
14. What is the least amount of coins it takes to make 55
    cents if one of  the coins is a quarter?
 
Don't read any further until you've answered all the above
questions !
		- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
   
The Densa Test, Your Evaluation
Give yourself one point for each correct answer... Good luck!
 
 1. Is there a fourth of July in England?
    Yes, it comes after the third of July!
 2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
    Just one!
 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
    12, all of them!
 4. How many outs are there in an inning?
    6, three per side!
 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's
    sister? No - because he is dead!
 6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
    70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)
 7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you
    have? 2, you took them, remember?
 8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every
    half hour.How many minutes would the pills last?
    60, Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd,
    then 30 minutes for the 3rd.
 9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
    9  (If 8 out of 17 die, all but 9 die, eh?)
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
    Zero... it wasn't Moses... it was Noah
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he
    weigh? Meat, a butcher weighs meat!
12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
    12 There are 12 -2cent stamps in a dozen!
13. A plane crashes on the Canadian - US border.  In which country
    you bury the survivors? The survivors would probably rather
    wait until they die to be buried!
14. What is the least amount of coins it takes to make 55 cents if
    one of the coins is a quarter? Three coins.  One is a quarter,
    the other is a quarter and also a nickel.
 
          _________________________________
          Add Your Score... How did you do?
 
Correct Answers Rating
 
13-14      Genius
10-12      Above Normal
 7-9       Normal
 4-6       Slow
 1-3       Idiot
  0        Brain dead
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 11:47:43 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Anticipation
 
Anticipation is everything
 
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does
it cost?"
 
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
 
"That's fine,"  replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
 
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the
clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it
out teasingly.
 
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her.  "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 13:13:30 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Safe Boating Week <just plain dumb>
 
This is Safe Boating Week, so remember:
 
When launching a boat, always back the boat into the water. Pulling
the boat into the water can really mess up your carburetor.
 
When water skiing, never allow a feisty duck to hitch a ride on
your skis.
 
Always stay at least five boat-lengths behind the whale in front of
you.
 
While sinking to the bottom of a lake or ocean, screaming does not
help.
 
When boating, always wear a swimsuit with suspenders. This makes it
easier on the guys with the grapling hook when they're trying to
retrieve your body.
 
Drowning can cause severe shortness of breath. And you don't even
want to think about what it does to your complexion.
 
Always wear a life jacket in case you fall overboard. Also, it's a
good idea to take along something to read, in case you're swallowed
by a whale. Most whales seem to enjoy Moby Dick.
 
Boating while intoxicated is not illegal in some states, but it's
stupid in all of them.
 
          --from Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 11:46:27 -0700
From:    Jack Falk <jackfalk@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Meeting her parents
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to
go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is
ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacist to get some condoms.
 
The pharmacist helps the boy for about 30 minutes, explaining the
different product types, lubricated versus non, large versus extra
large (this is just a marketing gimmick... isn't it, any ways back
to the story). He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
 
At the check out, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he
would like to purchase, a 3-pack or 12-pack. The boy insists on
the 12 pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being
his first time and all.
 
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets
his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the
dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
 
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally,
the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no
idea you were this religious."
 
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"
 
 
http://home.earthlink.net/~advantagegrp
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 18:06:06 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Play on Words Part 2
 
Real estate developers could be distracted, software writers
deprogrammed, movers demobilized, mink ranchers deferred,
fishermen debated, bookkeepers discounted, broadcasters
demodulated, grammarians denounced, social activists deactivated,
pilots dealated, sailors debarked, arborists debarked, dogs
debarked, database operators debased, hair stylists distressed,
moralists debauched, McDonald's disenfranchised, Lawyers could also
be debriefed, dermatologists debrided, collection agencies
debilitated, but it is unlikely that an accountant attacked by a
dog could be debit.  An agoraphobic might be debouched, an
entomologist debugged, a cow decaffeinated, and a drill sergeant
could fall into decadence.
 
The guy who puts the lines on athletic fields could be decalcified,
and boy and girl scouts might be decamped.  A wine steward could be
decanted and a tribal headman or a headwaiter could be decapitated.
A coal merchant could be decarbonized, and a dentist could just
decay.
 
Disk jockeys could be derecorded, Cain's brother could be disabled,
liars should be disabused, and those guys who collect duty at the
border might be disaccustomed.  As an American Airlines frequent
flier, I live in fear of being disadvantaged, and when I left the
Air Force, I was quickly deblued.  Brothers might be disaffiliated,
and IRS agents disallowed, and one can foresee the possibility of
mediators being disagreeable.  Many public officials could (and
should,) be disappointed, but could the fair-haired boys be
disannointed?  The Beatles have already disbanded, and junior
attorneys could be disassociated.
 
		--from Robert_R._Marquardt@oxy.com
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Maybe the old folks can be degenerated, ugly people defaced,
earthquake scientists defaulted, terrorists defused!  And then
Swineherds will be disgruntled, Farmers will be distracted,
Scarecrows will be distraught (de-strawed), and I guess sex workers
will be laid off.
 
And another of my own:  Guitar players could be unstrung, denoted,
and disconcerted.
 
		--from Bill Stebbins
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 19:22:03 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Tape Worm <couple of words>
 
A guy goes to the doctor because he has a tape worm. The doctor
says that the only way to cure it is to bring him an apple and a
sugar cookie. He does this, and the doctor shoves both of them up
the patient's ass. The doctor tells him to do this twice a day for
two days. Two days later the man comes back and says, "well, I did
what you told me, but I still have the damn tapeworm".
 
The doctor says, "now go get me an apple and a hammer." The man
gets what the doctor requests and brings the things back. The
doctor takes the apple and shoves it up the man's ass. Two minutes
later, the tapeworm sticks it's head out of the man's ass and says,
"Hey! Where's the damn sugar cookie?"
 
BAM!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 20:47:23 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Offensive to MicroSoft Fans
 
Back in March, Bill Gates of Microsoft, testified before a
congressional committee that if automobiles had enjoyed the same
gains in productivity that computers have achieved in the last 10
years, then we'd all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 miles to
the gallon.
 
True, perhaps, but as our resident fax guru Pete Davidson in his
FaxWire newsletter noted, Gates left out a few crucial points in
the analogy.  If, in fact, cars were PCs:
 
- Your car would crash two or three times a day, sometimes just
  sitting in park
 
- Apple would make a solar-powered, highly reliable car that would
  be twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on 10% of the
  roads.
 
- Every time the transportation department built a new road, we'd
  have to buy a new car to travel on it.
 
- Then, if we bought a new car, the brake, accelerator, and
  steering wheel would all be in different places.
 
- Every time you put your foot on the brake, a message window would
  pop up on the dashboard and say:  Are your sure?  Yes/No.
 
- Once or twice a week your car would stall in the middle of the
  freeway. Then you would have to call a mechanic in another city
  who would tell you over the phone how to remove and reinstall the
  engine.
 
          --from Office Systems 98
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 19:17:44 -0700
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Prison vs Work

 
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
  AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
  AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay
            for it
 
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
  AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
 
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
  AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and
            open all the doors yourself.
 
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
  AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
 
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
  AT WORK...you have to share.
 
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
  AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
 
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
            required.
  AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
            they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
            prisoners.
 
IN PRISON...you spend most of your time looking through bars from
            the inside wanting to get out.
  AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
            inside bars.
 
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
  AT WORK...they are called managers.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Jun 1998 09:55:14 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: In a London Classroom <adult,off. to Pakis.>
 
Teacher: Children! We are having surprise history test.
Who said "I came, I saw, I conquered?"
 
Class: mutter... grumble... [nobody knows except...]
 
Mohammed: Miss! It was Julius Caesar in 320 BC!
[Dates don't have to be accurate ..... ]
 
Teacher: Ah! A new face. What is your name?
 
Mohammed: Mohammed, Miss.
 
Teacher: Well thank you Mohammed. Now who said "We shall fight them
on the beaches, we shall fight them in there air, we shall never
surrender"?
 
Class: mumble... mutter... [again nobody knows except Mohammed]
 
Mohammed: Miss! Winston Churchill in 1939!
 
Teacher: Well done Mohammed. And I hope that the rest of the class
is suitably embarrassed. This little boy from another land knows
more about this country's history than all of you put together!
 
Voice from the back: FUCK the Pakis!
 
Teacher: Who said that?
 
Voice: Mike Gatting, Miss! In 1987!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 22:08:45 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Baking Cookies
 
Not realizing our mother had left some leftover turkey in our
oven's broiler, my sister, 19, turned the oven on to bake cookies.
Once the oven was hot, she put in the cookies and came back to
check on them ten minutes later.  When she pulled open the oven
door, flames shot out, and my sister shouted, "Mom!  Fire!" as she
closed the door.
 
Immediately our mother called the fire department and rushed all of
us out of the house.
 
The firefighters were over in a flash, and they quickly hosed the
oven down with some foam, then helped us clear the house of smoke.
As one of the young firemen was leaving, he turned to my mother and
said, "Your daughter is cute.  I would ask her out, but I only date
women who can cook.
 
          --from Donald Kamadulski
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 22:31:08 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: AIDS <offensive to Indian politicians and AIDS patients>
 
An Indian Minister hangs himself when he realises that the black
money he has been hiding and the kickbacks he has been getting are
on the verge of being revealed by a newspaper that doesn't accept
bribes.
 
His death certificate has the following as the cause of death: AIDS
His enraged relatives rush down to the mortuary to clarify that he
had been hale and healthy before his death.
 
"I know," said the coroner, but this AIDS means Accumulation of
 Income Derived Secretly".
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jun 1998 to 5 Jun 1998
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