HUMOR Digest - 3 Jun 1998 to 4 Jun 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 327 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Doggy sex
  2. My Home Town (again)
  3. God's Light (not off.)
  4. Play on words...
  5. Bad news at the White House!
  6. Fishin with Grandpa <adult>
  7. Ol' lady <adult>
  8. Huh???
  9. Rum (Pun)
 10. Serves Them Right! <clean>
 11. Remote Shopping
 
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Date:    Wed, 3 Jun 1998 15:31:06 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: Doggy sex
 
Two friends were discussing having sex with their wives.  The first
man says "Me and my wife sometimes do it doggy style. How about
you?"
 
The second man replies replies "Well, not exactly. We do it
trick-doggy style."
 
"Is that kinky then?"
 
"Well, not really. You see I start it by sitting up like a dog and
begging for sex. Then my wife rolls over and plays dead!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Jun 1998 03:45:30 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: My Home Town (again)
 
The jokes I did the other day on "My Home Town is so small..."
brought quite a response.  Here are some of the additions:
 
 
our city limits signs are both on the same post !
                                                (Markey)
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
the City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell
the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch
the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2
the mayor had to annex property to eat a foot long hot dog
the New Years baby was born in October
                                                (Matt)
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
the one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions
                                                (D.C.)
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
there's no place to go that you shouldn't
a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
the phone book has only one page
                                                (Suzie Q)
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
there's nothing doing every minute
 
                                                (Maria)
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
at the last beauty contest, nobody won 1st, 2nd or 3rd
 
                                                (Pam)
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
the ZIP code was a fraction
second street is in the next town
                                                (Laura)
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Jun 1998 07:08:12 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: God's Light (not off.)
 
An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor
said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."
 
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I
know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
 
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
 
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord
wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in
the middle of the night." The doc was concerned.
 
"You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the
Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
 
"Yep," the old man repeated, "Whenever I get up to go to the
bathroom,  the Lord turns the light on for me."
 
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's
wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what
her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your
husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental
condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the
bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
 
"He what?" she cried.
 
"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the
Lord turns the light on for him."
 
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the
refrigerator!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Jun 1998 07:46:02 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Play on words...
 
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed (and eventually disfigured) and dry
cleaners depressed?
 
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and
depleted!  Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players
will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer
operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, the
BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will
eventually decompose.
 
As a student, I spent all my time wishing to be detested and
degraded.
 
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians
will be devoted.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Jun 1998 14:25:05 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Bad news at the White House!
 
A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little
late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face --
some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the
room.
 
"What's the matter" he asked
 
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"
 
"What's the bad news?"
 
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test
site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China
is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that
may go nuclear."
 
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
 
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Jun 1998 11:15:37 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Fishin with Grandpa <adult>
 
A man and his grandson, Little Johnny, are fishing by a peaceful
lake, beneath some weeping willow trees.  The man takes out a
cigarette and lights it. Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, Can I try
some of your cigarette?"
 
"Can you touch your a**hole with your penis?" the grandfather asks.
 
"No" says Little Johnny.
 
"Then you're not big enough."
 
A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and
opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your
beer?"
 
"Can you touch your a**hole with your penis?" he asks.
 
"No" says Little Johnny.
 
"Then you're not old enough."
 
Time passes and they continue to fish.  Little Johnny gets hungry
and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and
eats one.  The grandfather looks at him and says, " They look good.
Can I have one of your cookies?"
 
"Can you touch your a**hole with your penis?" asks Johnny.
 
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
 
"Then go f**k yourself," says Johnny, "these are my cookies!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Jun 1998 19:13:19 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Ol' lady <adult>
 
An aging lady was a frequent visitor to the face lift clinic, until
one day her doctor said: "All right, mam. That was the last face
lift I can do to you."
 
The lady was shocked and asked: "Why?", to which the doctor
replied: "Because after next time you are going to have a beard."
 
 
http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Jun 1998 13:57:12 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Huh???
 
quoted a line from a Twin City-Valley Press story about the South
Charleston Police Department receiving a grant to help it combat
the DUI problem:
 
"Proceeds of the grant will be used for the purpose of placing an
 additional officer on the roadways while under the influence."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Jun 1998 14:26:11 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Rum (Pun)
 
A high ranking official from the Clinton Administration was invited
to speak at a banquet tendered by the Don Q Rum Corp. in Puerto
Rico. The man delivered his speech nobly, but for one fatal flaw.
He persisted in referring to his hosts as the "makers of that
wonderful Bacardi rum."
 
Every time he mentioned the competing name "Bacardi", an official
from Don Q would jump up and correct him saying, "Don Q, senor,
Don Q !"
 
The smiling Clinton aide would answer... "You're welcome."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Jun 1998 09:52:38 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Serves Them Right! <clean>
 
A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats
and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed
chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other
wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the
other leg, sniffed it.
 
Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up
to her and said, "Madam, could *you* pass such a test?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Jun 1998 22:08:06 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Remote Shopping
 
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.  As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a
remote control for a television set in her purse.
 
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
 
"No," she replied.  "But my husband refused to come shopping with
me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
 
          --from Maryann Stathoulis
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jun 1998 to 4 Jun 1998
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