HUMOR Digest - 2 Jun 1998 to 3 Jun 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 576 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Cat Rules
  2. Homesick < offensive to Indians/Hindus>
  3. Cat in the Store (Pun)
  4. Life in General
  5. Paedophiles, priest, disgusting - <adult>
  6. Walking with your partner
  7. Growing up... (language)
  8. Flying into Frankfurt
  9. Flying High <adult & language>
 10. Presidential Clock (adult)
 11. Spice Girls Shock! ( off. to SG fans )
 12. New Spice Girl
 13. On the train
 14. Hypnosis In Church <mild language warning>
 15. [Send your message.]
 16. Playing father
 17. Catholic Schoolroom
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Jun 1998 23:33:26 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Cat Rules
 
 1. The cat is not allowed in the house.
 2. The cat is allowed in the house,
    but only in certain rooms.
 3. The cat is allowed in all rooms,
    but must stay off the furniture.
 4. The cat can get on the old furniture only.
 5. The cat is allowed on all the furniture, but
    it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
 6. The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the
    covers or on the pillow.
 7. The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow
    by invitation only.
 8. The cat can sleep under the covers every night
    and on the pillow too.
 9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover
    with the cat; only the cat can sleep on the pillow.
10. The cat gives humans a haughty and dismissive look whenever
    they deign to use the cat's pillow.
 
          --thanks to Ellen Lee
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 00:19:21 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Homesick < offensive to Indians/Hindus>
 
   A Hindu living on the streets of India hits a lottery and
decides to emigrate to America. He buys a posh mansion. Within
weeks of moving in he suffers headaches and nausea.
   He goes to see an American doctor. The doctor tells him to
splash urine and rub faeces into the basement of his mansion.
The Indian reluctantly agrees.
   The mansion stinks but sure enough, he gets better day by day.
On his final visit to thank the doctor, he asks the doctor what his
ailment had been.
   "You were not sick," says the doctor, "you were just homesick."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 00:25:01 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Cat in the Store (Pun)
 
So this guy is in the supermarket, keeping a mental record of
how much he'll spend when he gets to the cash register. "That's two
dollars and a cat... Five dollars, fifty cents, and a cat... Nine
dollars and a cat... Thirteen dollars, sixty five cents, and a
cat..."

A fellow shopper asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'and a cat?'"
 
"Oh, I'm sorry," the fellow said. "I've got an add-a-puss complex."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 03:45:32 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life in General
 
* First, let me say that no matter how bad you think life is,
  when you consider the alternative -- it ain't all that bad.
                        - - - - -
 
* Have ya ever noticed that some people go through life looking
  as if their contents settled during shipping.
                        - - - - -
 
* A philanthropist is a man who in his waning years of life gives
  away in public the fortune he stole in private.
                        - - - - -
 
* How many times have you heard someone say, "If I had my life
  to live over..."  I've thought about that, and I'd probably
  make the same damn mistakes, but a lot sooner.
                        - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr is indeed an old-fashioned girl.  She said that she
  married me for life, but she wants to know how come I haven't
  shown any lately.
                        - - - - -
 
* Husband: "Darling, I've really have taken you over the bumps
            of life, haven't I ?"
     Wife: "That's true dear.  I don't believe you've missed any."
                        - - - - -
 
* As you get older, you tend to slow down a bit.  Like last year,
  Mrs JimJr and I toasted the New Year's at home.  She had rye,
  and I had whole wheat.
                        - - - - -
 
* Some guys just breeze thru life never taking it seriously at all.
  I have a friend who even if he were the sheik of a harem, he'd
  still have a girl or two on the side.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 09:45:15 +0000
From:    Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Paedophiles, priest, disgusting - <adult>
 
Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came
across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one
picks them up, smells them and goes "Aahhh... A seven year old
girl".
 
The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes "No,
no... Definiteley an eight year old girl!"
  
The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An
eight year old!"
 
"No, a seven year old!"
 
"Definiteley an eight year old!"... and so on.
  
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't
help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first
paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the
argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff,
and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and
goes: "Definiteley an eight year old girl...  but not from my
parish!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 05:46:44 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Walking with your partner
 
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the
women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to
give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
 
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt
you to take  the time to go walking with your partner!"
 
The room really got quiet.
 
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
 
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 05:53:14 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Growing up... (language)
 
The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher
wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer
in kindergarten.  She told them to use grown up words instead
of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did
during the summer.
  
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.  The teacher
said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother.  Use the grown up
word."
 
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.'
That's the grown up word."
 
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the
summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked
what book he had read.   He puffed out his chest and in a very
adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 05:39:22 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Flying into Frankfurt
 
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered
lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but
how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with
some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio
call Speedbird 206) after landing.
 
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
                active."
 
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
 
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
 
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
 
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location
                now."
 
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
never flown to Frankfurt before?"
 
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 12:45:12 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Flying High <adult & language>
 
Passengers couldn't believe their eyes when a couple on flight SAA
233 from London to Johannesburg this week started having sex.
"It was the most callous display of lust I have ever seen." said a
young mother who was accompanied on the flight by her husband and
two sons. "They had no shame or regard for the other passengers -
it was as though we weren't there," said the Cape Town woman, who
asked not to be named. Her husband added: "I could understand it if
they covered themselves with a blanket, but no, it was wham, bam.
right there in the seat - in the missionary position -and just
after she had performed a sex act on him in full view of all of
us." The couple, a white male in his 40s who spoke with an English
accent and an Indian woman, boarded the aircraft in what was
described as a "jovial" mood.
 
     --from The Sunday Times of Johannesburg, SA. 31 May 1998
			- - - - - - - - - -
 
At the check-in counter:
Attendant: "Would you like a screwing or non-screwing seat, sir?"
Passenger: "Actually, I would like a smoking seat, please."
Attendant: "A SMOKING seat?? Are you some kind of freak??"
  
On Board:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude. You
may now unfasten your seat belts and take your favourite position.
Our cabin staff will be happy to assist you in any way they can to
ensure that your flight with us will be an enjoyable experience."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 07:05:33 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Presidential Clock (adult)
 
Laura walked into the White House for her first day of her
internship and was greeted by the President. After a short tour
of the White House the President asked "How would you like to see
the Presidential 'clock'?"
 
Laura looked troubled and said "I don't know, Mr. President. I have
heard some pretty bad things about you. I don't think that would be
a good idea."
 
"Nonsense", said the President."its just a clock".
 
Laura agreed and the president lead her into the oval office where
they were alone. As he closed the door he dropped his pants and
pulled out his cock. Laura gasped."Oh! That's not the Presidential
clock... that's the Presidential cock!"
 
To which the president responded: "Laura honey, you put a face and
two hands on it and it's a clock!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Jun 1998 21:27:27 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Spice Girls Shock! ( off. to SG fans )
 
Oh woe is us!  Geri, The Ginger Spice, has left the Spice Girls.
This disaster has shocked thousands of fans, of which reportedly
almost two were over 12 years old!
 
"Shocks like these make you really think what life actually is
about anyway..", said a 12-year old orphan drug addict after
hearing the news.
 
But not to worry, we already have a new Spice: Pamela Andersson!
Come on, now! She has posed nude, she has starred in a movie which
sucked big time, and she has done some singing, althought she can't
sing. Just like Geri!
 
All Pamela has to do is to gain a couple of dozen kilograms and use
whatever dye Geri used on her hair.. And we have out new Spice
Girl, Silicon Spice!
 
 
http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 09:06:21 EDT
From:    Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: New Spice Girl
 
With the exit of Ginger Spice, the girls have been looking for her
replacement.  Their newest member:  Cher, who will affectionately
known as Old Spice.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 09:53:05 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: On the train
 
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passangers join in conversation, which very soon turns to
the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will
give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."  The men, charmed by this
young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
 
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.  Then
she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you
my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten
dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.
 
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken
off their coats.  Then the young girl says, "If you will give me
$100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
 
Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns
to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says
"There!"
 
     --This joke, translated from French,
       originated with Michael Dupont.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 10:16:04 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Hypnosis In Church <mild language warning>
 
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday.  Someone suggested to him that
perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving
more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
 
"It is very simple.  First you turn up the air conditioner so that
the auditorium is warmer than usual.  Then you preach in a
monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in
a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the
collection plate."
 
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.  Now, the preacher
did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every
Sunday.  So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then
tried his mass hypnosis again.
 
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the
chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud
thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
 
"Shit!" exclaimed the pastor.
 
It took them a week to clean up the church.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 18:45:33 -0400
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: [Send your message]
 
     [Message removed for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 20:30:43 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Playing father
 
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge
and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother
enters the kitchen.  She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't
have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time.  Go outside and
play."
 
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
 
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK.  I'll play with you.  What do
you want to play?"
 
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
 
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine,  I'll play.  What do I do?"
 
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
 
Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes
upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and
opens the utility closet.   He dons his fathers old fishing hat.
As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ash-
tray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner
of his mouth.  At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom
doorway.
 
His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
 
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get
that kid some ice cream!"
 
          --thanks to Ellen.Lee@quester.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Jun 1998 20:47:33 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Catholic Schoolroom
 
A couple of fifth-grade boys were horsing around in their Catholic
schoolroom when, to their amazement, the teacher spied them out of
the corner of her eye.
 
She duly reprimanded them, then overheard the following
conversation:
 
"How did she see us?" one boy asked.
 
Wayne replied, "You forgot.  She has good parochial vision!"
 
 
          --"Kids Are Still Saying the Darndest Things"
             by Dandi Daley Mackall
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jun 1998 to 3 Jun 1998
**********************************************
 
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