HUMOR Digest - 31 May 1998 to 1 Jun 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 457 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. School Production (Pun)
  3. House Majority Leader Dick Armey (risque)
  4. Not deliverable. Please return to sender. (Off? to Indians & Pakistanis)
  5. Tennis Anyone?
  6. Politiciand and baby diapers
  7. Strict Pull Hitter (May Be Offensive to Gays)
  8. <HUMOUR> Breast force discovered!
  9. In The News - Humorous News Quips

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Date:    Sun, 31 May 1998 05:02:16 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report

Good Morning y'all, here I am again with this week's Traffic
Report.  This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to
all of the HumorList subscribers once a month.

First of all, as I told the contributors in last week's report,
I must apologize to one and all for the misleading message this
month on the e-mail address change-over.  An important paragraph
was omitted which reminded everyone that they need take no action,
in-so-far as their current subscriptions are concerned.
I regret the error.

Please remember though to stop using old addresses by the end of
May. You should NOT have to take any action at all to continue to
receive Humor either in mail or digest form either now or later.

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                                                  JimJr
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             Traffic Report for HUMOR, 24 May 1998 - 30 May 1998

                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week

 24  Sunday           11        9        9        9       10
 25  Monday           21       10       11       18       10
 26  Tuesday          20       11        8       11       10
 27  Wednesday        18       15       13       13       12
 28  Thursday         12       15       14       14       11
 29  Friday           13       11       13        8       12
 30  Saturday         12        7       10        8        4

   (Average)          15       11       11       12       10

Subscriptions     10,820    8,513    8,430    8,318    8,333
Countries            100      107      107      106      106
Contributors         845      687      686      680      675

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.

       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium,
Belize, Bermuda, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei, Bulgaria, Canada,
Chile,  China,  Colombia,  Cook Islands,  Costa Rica,  Croatia, Cuba,
Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,  Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt,
El Salvador, England, Estonia, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji,
Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong,
Hungary,  Iceland,  India,  Indonesia,  Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy,
Jamaica,  Japan,  Jordan,  Kazakhstan,  Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia,
Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius,
Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand,
Northern Ireland,  Norway, Pakistan, Panama, Peru, Philippines, Poland,
Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore,
Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden,
Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Tanzania, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey,
Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Wales,
Zambia, Zimbabwe

Total countries: 106

           Email me if your country is not listed here.
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HUMOR GOALS

A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
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HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version)

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A few of the more widely used commands:

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Archived Files: [original text compressed to zip format]

A complete set of the UGA Humor Digests for 1997-1998 may be found at:
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

Last month's UGA Humor Digests may be downloaded from:
     http://www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")

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And now for a contribution of humor:

With more divorces in the US than marriages, a neighbor asked me the
other day what was the secret to Mrs JimJr and I staying together so
long.  I told her, "Simple.  It's all a matter of compatibility --
we both love to fight."

                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 30 May 1998 23:06:32 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: School Production (Pun)

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local
theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts
managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling
bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He
apologized to the audience for his clumsiness, prompting a heckler to
shout, "Don't worry, Freddy. ... It's just a stage you're going
through!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 31 May 1998 05:32:43 EDT
From:    Cathy Turner <CathyinTX@AOL.COM>
Subject: House Majority Leader Dick Armey (risque)

Recently, my husband came home with a phone number to call to make comments
to House Majority Leader Dick Armey.

I looked at the number and the notation "Dick Armey" and remarked, "Oh!  I
didn't know they had already cloned President Clinton!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 31 May 1998 13:22:15 -0400
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Not deliverable. Please return to sender. (Off? to Indians &
         Pakistanis)

 Reuters - Tensions created around the world by the recent
 "Anything you can do I can do better / I can do anything
 better than you" over-the-backyard-fence spat of nuclear
 testing between India and Pakistan were suddenly allayed
 by the realization that neither country had the means to
 deliver the weapons they'd wasted so much of their people's
 resources on developing.

 "Oops" said Hassan Ben Dover, head of the Pakistani nuclear
 program as he downed his daily meal of boiled water, the
 staple of the country's diet, "We sure forgot about that part."
 Krishna Mahaimajerka, head of India's nuclear program was
 unavailable for comment as he was trapped in a New Delhi
 traffic jam.

 Unidentified sources report that the Pakistani government has
 just commandeered all the country's camels as a "national
 resource" and ordered that the animals be brought to Islamabad
 immediately for induction into a "caravan to be dispatched to
 unnamed points south of here". In retaliation, the Indian
 government is said to be considering its options. "We have
 water buffalo" said Mr Mahaimajerka, whose cellular phone had
 inexplicably come alive. "Like that one, over there! We also
 have white cows roaming the streets! If push comes to shove,
 our delivery system will be ready in two to three months,
 tops!" Mr Mahaimajerka's transmission was interrupted by
 remonstrating lowing sounds and was suddenly terminated by the
 noise of stampeding hooves.

 In a separate development, Orthodox Hindus have declared that
 conscripting cattle of any kind, much less sacred cows, for the
 purpose of delivering nuclear weapons was canonically
 objectionable. Said one high-ranking member of the Indian
 government who asked not to be named, "In the Great Cycle of
 Being I'm gonna come back into this world one day; and I sure
 as hell don't want it to be as a steer with a nuke strapped to
 its back."

 So far, there has been no word from the camel front. A
 spokescreature for R.J. Reynolds however has stated that the
 company is "reconsidering its position in Pakistan".

 (c) 1997 Kanyak's Doghouse

 * Permisson to quote, copy, rework, plagiarize, and steal is
 granted provided the quoter, copier etc does whatever he can
 to stop these maniacs.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 31 May 1998 17:43:05 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Tennis Anyone?

Tennis can be dangerous

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his
shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting
for the lights to change.  A girl standing next to him eyed the large
bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked, ...  eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically,
"That must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 31 May 1998 17:23:27 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Politiciand and baby diapers

  What do baby diapers and politicians have in common?  They both need
  to be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 31 May 1998 18:27:35 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Strict Pull Hitter (May Be Offensive to Gays)

Dear Dr. Verne:

I can't stop fantasizing about you.  You seem like such a strong, viral
guy, the kind of man who is comfortable with his own male sexuality.  I
bet you look great in a pair of tight, ragged blue jeans and a T-shirt
with the sleeves rolled up.  Your butch lifestyle and macho attitude
make me twitter all over.

You obviously know how to treat a lady, but how about a man?  Have you
ever given any thought to an alternative lifestyle?  If so, I'm yours.

Bruce, Still Hiding in the Closet

Dear Bruce:

Thanks for the compliment, but Dr. Verne is a strict pull hitter.  If I
was to go kissin' men on the lips, I wouldn't have time to do no
philosophical waxin' on the major issues of the day, like why Coors is
for scabs and why the Dallas Cowboys is probably from West Des Moines.

See, while guys like you is spendin' all your time fantasizin' about
married guys -- which a priest would kick your ass for if he found out
-- I'm upholdin' the Glorious White Trash Culture over here.  Unless
you's name is Trixi, you put your makeup on with a power painter and
yous got a bar job so's I can score free shots of Beam, I ain't
interested.  If you's wanna get naked with a columnist, call up that
Iowa Boy.  He's always writin' about fruity stuff like bikin' and
opera.  My guess is he wears cologne, which means he hits to all fields.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 1 Jun 1998 10:59:54 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Breast force discovered!

NEWS FLASH!

Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered a
new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have dubbed
this new force ``breast gravity.'' It is the nearly irresistible force
that draws men's eyes down to women's breasts.

``The idea came to me out of the blue,'' says team leader Frank Leerer.
``I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine, and we saw a
woman in a string bikini. `Check out the globes on her!' he said. That's
when the idea hit me like a brick house.''

Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the biophysical
mechanism behind the phenomenom. It is believed that like the other
fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an
elementary particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle
the ``boobon.''

Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically. It
is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size. Also,
experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons, because
layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A large parka
can sometimes nullify the effect completely.)

Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are almost
all men's eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women's? How can it
be that the force is transmitted even through televised and printed images
of breasts?

Scientists everywhere are looking into it.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 31 May 1998 22:01:18 -0500
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited Excerpts from tha LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to the President, George Michael, OJ
Simpson, Dan Quayle. Sexual references.

Today is Weights and Measures Day. It's a big event on the Baywatch
set.

President Clinton will have lunch with Martha Stewart in June to
benefit Connecticut state Democrats. Marth will show the president how
to turn a distinguishing physical characteristic into a colorful party
favor.

Congress is furious that the CIA didn't know India was setting off
atomic weapons. This is the worst failure of intelligence in Washington
since Dan Quayle was sworn in. (Leno)

President Clinton wrenche his back last week, but he's going to be
fine. Doctors said he'll be up and out of his pants in no time. (Leno)

Clinton became the first president to ever attend an NHL game. He has a
lot in common with hockey players. He's always skating om thin ice but
manages to  score when he's not embroiled in fights.

Michael Carvin, charged with sending deaththreats to Howard Stern was
last heard from in the 70's when he pulled a toy gun on Ronald Reagan
and sent threatening letters to Gerald Ford. Reagan was not hurt in the
incident, but Ford stabbed himself while opening the letter.

Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin says the future of space expolration
depends on opening it up to paying tourists. Finally, an alternative
for families who can't afford Disneyland.

OJ Simpson said he's been working out and is in really good shape. He's
determined to beat his old record of six minutes from the Bundy crime
scene to Rockingham.

Anticipating that eventually it will be sold over the counter, Viagra's
manufacturers are searching for a more marketable name. It isn't easy
since "Stick-Ups", "Big Mac" and "Magic Johnson" are already taken.

Publishers are set to release a book about Viagra. It's a pop up book.
They promise it will never go soft cover.

Men are now the biggest customers at drugstores. They have Propecia for
the bald spot, Ben Gay for the sore spot, Viagra for the soft spot and
dog food for the dog Spot.

George Michael was sentenced to 80 hours of community service.
Apparently, the judge felt it was time he gave a hand to the community,
rather than just himself.

According to the latest medical report, there's a new pill that will
help people kick the gambling habit. Casinos are laying 2 to 1 odds
that it won't work.

The US Army has spent $400,000 on a new washing machine that can wash
400 pounds of clothes in an hour. Unfortunately, it takes 6,000
quarters to do one load.

Ford recently fired four managers who held parties with prostitutes and
exotic dancers. It wasn't the partying that bothered Ford. It was that
the parties took place in the back of a Chevy Suburban.

Twenty years ago the government announced hurricanes would no longer be
named exclusively after women. So, why do they still call them Gale
force winds? (The Daily Scoop)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 31 May 1998 to 1 Jun 1998
***********************************************

