HUMOR Digest - 29 May 1998 to 30 May 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 405 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Orphanage (Pun)
  2. Kids
  3. HOW HOT IS HELL?
  4. Deep Hole
  5. Titanic (language)
  6. On the door of a music store
  7. Clinton and Gates
  8. TOP TEN MICROSOFT NON-MONOPOLISTIC SLOGANS
  9. Carol Channing Limerick!
 10. Incredulous comments & questions about contemporary life
 11. Heart attack <adult>
 12. humor, pizza joke <offensive to blacks>

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Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 23:29:54 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Orphanage (Pun)

It would be the concert of the decade. And for such a worthy cause.
The orphanage where several of the greatest of the rock stars had been
raised had deteriorated to such an extreme, that it was about to be
condemned and the residents scattered to other institutions around the
country. Elton John had decided he would not allow that to happen and
had obtained promises from his friends, some of the greatest names in
the industry, to agree to participate.

The concert would be held on the grounds of the orphanage. Enough
funds would be raised to totally refurnish the institution. But the
grounds where the concert would be held was in as bad a disarray as
the building itself. Paint was pealing off the outer walls of the
building. The grass was eight inches high. The rose gardens were
primarily weeds, the swimming pool was covered with a lichen-like
plant., and the walks were cracked.

The group agreed that they would not only participate in the concert,
but that each of the rock stars would do his part to rejuvenate the
grounds. They would do it all themselves without outside help.

And if you had visited the orphanage on that week before the concert,
you would have seen an amazing sight. Paul McCartney and Sting
painting the building, David Lee Roth cutting the lawn, David Bowie
and Roger Dantry pulling out weeds, Bruce Springstein and David Crosby
repaving the walks.

As the day of the concert approached, the participants took a tour
around the grounds. Everything looked great. Until they reached the
swimming pool which was still covered with the thick green growth.
John checked his roster to see who was supposed to clean the pool, and
found him sitting at the side of the pool staring out into space. It
was Mick Jagger, and he had not done the job he had been assigned.
John approached Jagger to ask what had happened, and received the
solemn answer almost in tears. "You should have known, I couldn't do
it," Mick replied, ... "A Rolling Stone gathers no moss." (By Stan Kegel)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 03:54:17 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Kids

* When I was a coach for Little League Baseball, I used about the
  same opening speech every year:  "We have to use sportsmanship
  at all times.  There will be no yelling at the umpires or other
  players and no being poor losers.  Do y'all understand ?" At
  that point the kids would generally nod, then I'd add, "Good !
  Now please go home and explain all that to your parents."
                                - - - - -

* We used to hide our daughter's Christmas presents where she'd
  never find them; in the linen closet next to the vacuum cleaner.
                                - - - - -

* It's easy to tell when a kid has matured.  They stop asking where
  they came from and don't want to tell ya where they're going.
                                - - - - -

* If Mrs JimJr and I would have waited until we could "afford" to
  have children, we'd be having kids now instead of Grandchildren.
                                - - - - -

* I've often wondered if any of the Hippies from the 60's imposed
  rules on their kids -- like, "Be home from the orgy at 11:00".
                                - - - - -

* My Granddaughter Christina came home from school the other day
  worn to a frazzle.  Seems the computers went down, and she had
  to write all afternoon.
                                - - - - -

* I've noticed the quickest way to get any kid's attention is to
  sit down and look comfortable.
                                - - - - -

*   During a rather heated argument when he was a teen, our son,
  JimJr Jr said, "I didn't ask to be born."
    I replied, "Good thing you didn't too. 'Cause the answer would
  have been 'no'."

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Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 07:00:30 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: HOW HOT IS HELL?

 A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
 students. It had one question:

 "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
 Support your answer with a proof."

 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
 cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
 variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
 need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
 are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
 Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
 souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist
 in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a
 member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
 one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
 religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With
 birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
 Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
 volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
 temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
 to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

 #1  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
     enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
     until all Hell breaks loose.

 #2  Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
     souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
     freezes over.

 So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese
 Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell
 before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still
 have not succeeded, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

 The student got the only A.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 08:00:53 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Deep Hole

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow... that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... and hear no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down
there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and
wait... and wait. Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face
and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me
carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes
from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It
rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running  as fast as it's legs
will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and
just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah,, says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat.  My goat was chained
to a railroad tie."

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Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 19:12:20 -0600
From:    Paul Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Titanic (language)

Another of my friends told me "Being a guy the best part of the movie is
probably when Leo (Leonardo DiCaprio) Falls off the damn ship."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 16:31:24 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: On the door of a music store

  Seen on the door of a classical music store:

   Gone Chopin
   Bach soon
   Try Handel


http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 11:03:05 -0500
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Clinton and Gates

MICROSOFT-LEWINSKY CONNECTION?

All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade.
Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other
scandals he's been accused of participating in.

Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the
"Bill-gates."

No, wait, that could be confusing.  After all, the president is accused
of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the
head of Microsoft is being accused of.. um... Oh never mind.

Ack Thhpt!  [rec.humor.funny]



* A good scientist is a person with original ideas. A good engineer is a
  person who makes a design that works with as few original ideas as
  possible. There are no prima donnas in engineering.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 12:56:36 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: TOP TEN MICROSOFT NON-MONOPOLISTIC SLOGANS

TOP TEN MICROSOFT NON-MONOPOLISTIC SLOGANS

10)  Competition is good.  90% market share is better.

 9)  We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a reasonable
     settlement with Microsoft.  We thought that our press release last year
     about Microsoft buying the US government took care of these little
     details.

 8)  We support a free marketplace.  So long as our support is visibly
     branded everywhere, at any price.

 7)  The Road Ahead:  Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes."

 6)  When in doubt, spend gobs of cash on ads in all the major newspapers
     on a one-day rampage against government.  That always beats befriending
     politicians and bureaucrats.

 5)  We value our customers.  That's why we only charge $75 per question on
     our toll-free tech support phone lines!  (Hey, at least the phone call
     is free)!

 4)  Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants
     down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our
     way out of this mess.

 3)  We love the idea of competition.  That's why we bought a huge chunk of
     Apple.

 2)  The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release
     Windows98 on time.  Yeah, and that also proves how insignificant and
     non-monopolistic we are as compared to our software competitors.

	 and finally,

 1)  No Netscape for you!


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 12:51:59 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Carol Channing Limerick!

That old broadway dame, Carol Channing
Has a lot of new things she if planning
        After forty one years
        She'll do forty one beers
And put out the fire she's been fanning


Original Humor Content - Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 14:24:12 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Incredulous comments & questions about contemporary life

I would like to see Elton John before I die, and I'd like to see the
Rolling Stones before they die.

I wish my neighbors parked on the street. They park in the yard.

I was pulled over by a trooper on a local interstate highway. He
said, "Ma'am you were weaving." "I wasn't weaving," I replied. "I was
dodging potholes."

I had a friend who once lived in a gated community, but he got better
and they finally let him out.

Clinton needs to do somethng about those enormous bags under his eyes.

The Republicans are caught on the horns of a political delimma: Do
they try to impeach a popular President before November and get voted
out of office, or do they risk waiting until after November, when
they will likely lose control of the House of Representatives and
never be able to impeach Clinton?

Maybe the NRA needs a new slogan. "Guns don't kill people. Children do."

Do you think people in China have trouble using forks when they order
American takeout?

I'm a high school teacher grading papers and I want you to get a lot
of this opening sentence: "Recently, a new age of technolgoical
advances has occurred rather quickly during the last fifty years."

Godzilla: Any critter that stomps New York can't be all bad.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 15:31:36 -0400
From:    a to z <taffy36@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Heart attack <adult>

A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on
the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding
in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough,
there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 22:26:21 -0400
From:    Mario Catelotti <mcatelo1@MCLA.MASS.EDU>
Subject: humor, pizza joke <offensive to blacks>

overheard on the Howard Stern Show...

  What's the difference between a pizza and a black man?

  A pizza can feed a family of four.



* "If everything is under control, you're going too slow."
                                            -Mario Andretti

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End of HUMOR Digest - 29 May 1998 to 30 May 1998
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