HUMOR Digest - 28 May 1998 to 29 May 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 363 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Ladies of the Evening <adult-sexual>
  2. Divinity School (Pun)
  3. Two Jokes (adult)
  4. What's She Got That I Don't? <sexual innuendo>
  5. Why Studying Is Better Than Sex
  6. Hotel room <slightly suggestive>
  7. Skeptical comments & quesitons about contemporary life
  8. Driving Exams
  9. Titanic (sexualy sugg.)
 10. At The Zoo <clean>
 11. Empowered Employees

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Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 03:40:48 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Ladies of the Evening <adult-sexual>

* One hooker went to a plastic surgeon on her day off and asked if
  he could make it snappy.
                                - - - - -

* You can be suspicious of your new love if she has a sign over her
  bed -- "Ask about Our Group Rates".
                                - - - - -

* In Baltimore, there's a 50-year-old Lady of the Nite who's listed
  in the Yellow Pages.  In fact, she's the oldest trick in the book.
                                - - - - -

* I have a question.  When you or I get sick, the doctor tells us to
  spend 3-4 days in bed.  What exactly does he tell a prostitute ?
                                - - - - -

* I know a guy who was such a loser, he even dated a prostitute.
  After he plied her with food and drink he suggested they retire
  to his apartment.  She replied, "Not on the first date."
                                - - - - -

* In the mountains where poverty and unemployment were a way of life,
  a girl goes to the big city where she becomes a street walker. The
  Father is beside himself.  The Mother attempts to console him by
  saying, "Well Pa, she's the first kin to hold down a steady job."
                                - - - - -

*   A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment.
  He admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was
  able to amass such splendor.  She replies that those really were
  her Father's, that he was a politician for forty years.
    He said, "How come you didn't follow in his footsteps instead of
  choosing this way of life ?"
    She sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess.  Besides, I had my
  moral standards to uphold."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 01:52:15 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Divinity School (Pun)

Mr. O. Fiddle had a lifelong dream of going to Divinity School to get
his Doctor of Divinity degree and after years of saving at long last
he entered the university. He worked and studied hard and this June
his dream will come true when he finally receives his degree. From
that day forward, he will be known to one and all as ... O. Fiddle
D.D. (By Fran Krebs)

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Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 06:56:30 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Two Jokes (adult)

 Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were laying next
 to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here
 for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
 little nervous." The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about I
 had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they
 give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!!!" The second
 kid then asked, "What are you in here for?" The first kid responded,
 "Well, I'm here for a circumsision." The second kid said, "Whoa!! I had
 that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!!!"
			****************************

 Q: Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?
 A: Because Ken comes in a different box.

 Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
 A : Because they taste funny.

 Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
 A: He sold his soul to Santa.

 Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
 A: He bought a warehouse.

 Q: What has a bunch of balls and screws old ladies?
 A: A bingo machine.

 Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
 A: They both capture the moment.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 12:12:07 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: What's She Got That I Don't? <sexual innuendo>

An old man and an old woman lived in a nursing home.  Every night they got
together and watched tv in the rec room.  He held the remote, and she held
his penis.  That was all, nothing more.  After the news, they said good
night and went to their own beds.

One night, the old man didn't show up.  He didn't show up the next night
either.  On the third day, the old woman saw him zooming around the grounds
in his wheelchair.  She ran up to him and started yelling, "I've been
worried about you!  Where have you been?"

"I can't lie to you," he said.  "I've been with another woman."

"What do you do with her?"

"The same thing we do every night."

"Is she younger than me?  Is she prettier?"

"Nope, she's bigger, older and uglier."

"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"

"Parkinson's disease."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 11:55:29 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Why Studying Is Better Than Sex

[Thanks to Ellen.Lee@quester.com (Ellen Lee)]

TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX!
                    - Submitted by Harsh Javeri

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

 9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up
    where you left off.

 8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

 7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has
    opened it.

 6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

 5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a
    "book teaser."

 4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

 3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in
    the middle.

 2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

 1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
    roommate for help.


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 21:11:23 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Hotel room <slightly suggestive>

 A guy was telling his friend at a bar of a hotel they were staying at:
 You know, I had a woman beating on my door 'til 5 A.M last night!

 Oh, said his friend, what did you do at 5 A.M, then?

 The guy sighed and replied: Well, I had to let her out then...


http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 16:04:20 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Skeptical comments & quesitons about contemporary life

Maybe the back to school sales should start including bulletproof
vests.

By boss said he wanted to pick my brain. Unfortunately, he meant
literally.

The world is full of Homer Simpsons, and I'm a doughnut.

I think Janet Reno should take on the Ticket Master monopoly before
she takes on Bill Gates.

My daughter's science project is due today, and I had better get an
"A" on this one.

If you knew how bad my brakes are, you wouldn't pull out in front of
me like that.

I would ride my bike more to help out with the bad air situation, but
then I'm told the air is too bad to ride my bike.

If Kenneth Starr had a case on any issue to impeach Bill Clinton,
don't you think he would have already filed his report?

A little tip for men on dates: Don't let your mind wander. It's too
little to be left alone.

During Spanish channel Taco Bell commercials, does the Chihuahua speak
English?

Looking back over the last 45 years, I realize my life would be so
empty if I hadn't seen all that TV.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 17:42:31 EDT
From:    Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Driving Exams

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the
California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday
Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
   same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
   don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? '
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
   lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing
   yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a shithead all day long.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 09:27:12 -0600
From:    Paul Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Titanic (sexualy sugg.)

One of my friends recently saw the block buster Titanic (I of course am
among those sheltered few who have no reason to see it ).   I asked him
how it was and he responded "I cryed", this of course is not very
special.   Infact most people that I've talked to have cried during this
movie.   So just for the sake of a good conversation I asked him "Why did
you cry".

He responded "She put her shirt back on."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 May 1998 09:27:54 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: At The Zoo <clean>

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-
foot fence.  He was out the next morning, just roaming around
the zoo.  A twenty-foot fence was put up.  Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next
enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody
locks the gate at night!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 21:15:19 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Empowered Employees

EMPOWERED EMPLOYEES

Dilbert:  "Have you made any decisions since the boss made us all 'empowered?'"

Wally:  "I turned my cubicle into a revenue generating tourist
         attraction.  So far, business has been slow at 'sticky-note city.'"

Scott Adams

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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 May 1998 to 29 May 1998
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