HUMOR Digest - 27 May 1998 to 28 May 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 494 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Cars
  2. Medical Help (Pun)
  3. Train <adult>
  4. Top5 - 5/27/98 - Signs School is Out
  5. Old Maid (adult)
  6. Family Feud Follies <clean>
  7. Rules for cats who have a house to run - Part 2
  8. Court Transquips <adult subject matter on one>
  9. Microsoft Humor
 10. The Larger Sacrifice
 11. Shopping <adult>
 12. Farcical comments & questions about contemporary life

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Date:    Wed, 27 May 1998 03:36:05 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cars

* My son, JimJr Jr, fancies himself a comedian.  Last year for
  my birthday, he gave me bifocal headlights for my Mazda.
                                - - - - -

* With cars getting smaller and smaller, these days a man has
  to look left, right and down before crossing the street.
                                - - - - -

* In the US these days, a car company is considered successful
  if they sell more cars than they recall.
                                - - - - -

* I went thru one of those one minute car washes the other day.
  A Yuppie in front of me tipped the crew to hurry it up.
                                - - - - -

* I had a car phone for a while, but had to have it taken out.
  The phone bill was so high, I couldn't afford to buy any gas.
                                - - - - -

* You've all seen these rubber strips that help prevent nicks
  from people opening their car doors.  The way Mrs JimJr drives,
  I wish they made bumper pads to put all the way around the car.
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the Yuppette who took her Beamer into the shop.
  The mechanic told her she had a short circuit.  She replied,
  "I don't care what it costs.  Lengthen it !"
                                - - - - -

* They've just come out with yet another new Japanese sports car.
  It has a low-cut grille, shapely fenders, long, sleek lines and
  padded bumpers.  They brought one into Baltimore City the other
  day, and 3 Chevies chased it into an alley.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 May 1998 01:51:15 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Medical Help (Pun)

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant,
a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas
trans..." "Whoa. Slow down there fellow. What makes you think you need all
these organ transplants?" asked the doctor. "Well," replied the patient, "My
boss said if I wanted to keep my job ... I needed to get reorganized."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 May 1998 12:00:51 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Train <adult>

 A young couple travelling in a train (in bed, naturally) planned the
future of their future child. After a long discussion they chose an
engineer. When this was setteled, they started doing the engineer. Suddenly
the train jerked in a bend so roughly that the man fell from the bed. "Are
you all right?", his wife asked. "Yes", the man answered, and
continued:"But the engieer is a bit worse. He's over there on the window."


http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 May 1998 06:05:57 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 5/27/98 - Signs School is Out

                          May 27, 1998
               The Top 15 Signs School is Out

15> Ratings for Ricki Lake reach all-time high.

14> It's past noon and STILL no sight of the school bus.

13> Tuba sales plummetting.

12> Flashers relocate from schoolyards to playgrounds.

11> Gang violence back on the streets where it belongs.

10> Metal detectors moved from school entrance to mall entrance.

 9> X-rated theaters packed with restless crossing guards.

 8> Massive layoffs again in the Number 2 Pencil industry.

 7> Increase in FULLHOUSE-LIST messages from teenyboppers who
    obviously don't understand Bob Saget's comic genius!

 6> Refuses stunt double for steamy love scene with Brad Pitt
    -- Oops, that's a sign that Keanu Reeves is "out"!

 5> Every morning when you go out to check your bear traps,
    you gotta release a half-dozen kids.

 4> Clown-head voice is two octaves higher when blaring
    "Uh, you want fries with that?"

 3> You keep bumping into Woody Allen and his sweetie.

 2> All the best kickball players joining professional teams.

	    and Top5's Number 1 Sign School is Out...

 1> Normally dormant Alice Cooper heads for Vegas again with
    that new royalty check.

	[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
	[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
	[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 May 1998 06:53:48 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Old Maid (adult)

 A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her
 bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter
 playing with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mother. "Mom, I
 am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this
 is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking
 her head. The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the
 bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the
 vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. "His daughter replied,
 "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get
 married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father
 walked out of the room shaking his head. The next day, the mother came
 home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the
 other, watching the Superbowl on TV. "What on earth are you doing?" she
 cried. The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having
 a beer and watching the game with my son-in-law!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 May 1998 15:34:00 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Family Feud Follies <clean>

>From another list:

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on
the quiz show Family Feud.

Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with "moon" in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name something you put on walls - Roofs
Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Name something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Name something associated with the police - Pigs
Name a sign of the zodiac - April
Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
Name a non living object with legs - Plant
Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
Name a way of cooking fish - Cod

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 May 1998 10:31:11 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Rules for cats who have a house to run - Part 2

Rules for cats who have a house to run - Part 2

V. WALKING:    As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike
are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the
dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps
with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME:    Always sleep on the human at night.  If there are two
(or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat.
They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will
effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS:
1: only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the
operator will need your help.

2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and
cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and
the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to
the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for
a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.

3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as
possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice
aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.

4: always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since
it's your feline instinct to chase mice.

5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when
it's time to sharpen your nails.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 May 1998 11:26:37 EDT
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Court Transquips <adult subject matter on one>

 Here are some more classic Court transquips,  all
  recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...

  LAWYER:  What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
  WITNESS:  There were traces of semen.
  LAWYER:  Male semen?
  WITNESS:  That's the only kind I know of.
   -----------------------------------------------------------
  LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
  WITNESS:  I refuse to answer that question.
  LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
  WITNESS:  I refuse to answer that question.
  LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
  WITNESS:  No.
   -----------------------------------------------------------
  LAWYER:  So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it,
  what  did you observe with respect to your scalp?
  WITNESS:  I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the
  hospital.
  LAWYER:  It was covered?
  WITNESS:  Yes.  Bandaged.
  LAWYER:  Then, later on, what did you see?
  WITNESS:  I had a skin graft.  My whole buttocks and leg were
  removed and put on top of my head.
   -----------------------------------------------------------
  CLERK:  Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
  WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
  CLERK:  "That the evidence that I give..."
  WITNESS:  That's right.
  CLERK:  Repeat it.
  WITNESS:  "Repeat it".
  CLERK:  No!  Repeat what I said.
  WITNESS:  What you said when?
  CLERK:  "That the evidence that I give..."
  WITNESS:  "That the evidence that I give."
  CLERK:  "Shall be the truth and..."
  WITNESS:  It will, and nothing but the truth!
  CLERK:  Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth
  and..."
  WITNESS:  I'm not a scholar, you know.
  CLERK:  We can appreciate that.  Just repeat after me: "Shall
  be the truth and..."
  WITNESS:  "Shall be the truth and."
  CLERK:  Say: "Nothing...".
  WITNESS:  Okay.
  (Witness remains silent.)
  CLERK:  No!  Don't say nothing.  Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
  WITNESS:  Yes.
  CLERK:  Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
  WITNESS: Yes.
  CLERK:  Well?  Do so.
  WITNESS:  You're confusing me.
  CLERK:  Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
  WITNESS:  Is that all?
  CLERK:  Yes.
  WITNESS:  Okay.  I understand.
  CLERK:  Then say it.
  WITNESS:  What?
  CLERK:  "Nothing but the truth..."
  WITNESS:  But I do!  That's just it.
  CLERK:  You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
  WITNESS:  I WILL say nothing but the truth!
  CLERK:  Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
  "The", "Truth".
  WITNESS:  What?  You mean, like, now?
  CLERK:  Yes!  Now.  Please.  Just say those four words.
  WITNESS:  "Nothing.  But.  The.  Truth."
  CLERK:  Thank you.
  WITNESS:  I'm just not a scholar.
   -----------------------------------------------------------
  LAWYER:  On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the
  farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
  WITNESS:  I did.
  LAWYER:  And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the
  duckpond?
  WITNESS:  I did.
  LAWYER:  And did you observe anything?
  WITNESS:  I did.
  (Witness remains silent.)
  LAWYER:  Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
  WITNESS:  I saw George.
  LAWYER:  You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
  WITNESS:  Yes.
  LAWYER:  Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
  WITNESS:  Yes.
  (Witness remains silent.)
  LAWYER:  Well, would you kindly do so?
  WITNESS:  He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
  LAWYER:  His "thing"?
  WITNESS:  You know...  His thing.  His di... I mean, his penis.
  LAWYER:  You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good,
  you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
  WITNESS:  Yes.
  LAWYER:  Did you say anything to him?
  WITNESS:  Of course I did!
  LAWYER:  What did you say to him?
  WITNESS:  "Morning, George."


* "A bad day at the beach is still better than a good day at the office."
 				-- Ken Neppach

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 May 1998 17:14:53 -0700
From:    Chris Ryan <cryan@ACCLAIM.COM>
Subject: Microsoft Humor

The News:
    SAN FRANCISCO, May 26 (Reuters) - Netscape Communications Corp. lost
more share of the U.S. Internet browser market to Microsoft Corp. as of
January, market research firm ZD Market Intelligence said Tuesday.
    ZD said its data were obtained from questionnaires mailed to 50,000
households in the United States.

What they left out:
    The questionnaires were mailed to King County in Washington State,
which  happens to be the home of many Microsoft Employees.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 May 1998 20:53:32 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: The Larger Sacrifice

As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage
women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female
relationships.  Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about
whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective
gender characteristics when they get married.  To my surprise, Shelly
agreed with me that men give up far more than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said.  "Men generally give up doing their
cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."

Steven Johnson

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 09:42:43 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Shopping <adult>

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one
of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said.
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of
bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation
Army type, and the Baptist type.  Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked
"What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 May 1998 00:25:04 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Farcical comments & questions about contemporary life

Life is full of gross inequities - I can spend money every day but I
only get paid once a month.

While in school, children are now taught to study hard and be
successful, but not too successful because if you are, the government
will try to stop you!

Do fish in rectangular aquariums still swim in circles?

Never go out with a girl who pierces anything other than her ears.

Some of the new crop of gubernatorial candidates sound like they have
a full six-pack, but lack the plastic thingie that holds `em all
together.

If I had a choice as to which I trust most, Microsoft or the
Department of Justice, Bill Gates win hands down every time.

Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is very costly.

Why do people talk faster when leaving phone numbers on answering
devices.

Hockey will never replace beer-drinking and dog-fighting as the
official state sports of Georgia.

What's the line between fan and fanatic?

Since we're running a budget surplus, does that mean that Kenneth
Starr can hire more lawyers and investigators and pay better bribes to
more witnesses.

Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 May 1998 to 28 May 1998
************************************************

