HUMOR Digest - 26 May 1998 to 27 May 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 505 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Money
  2. The Make Women Happy Game
  3. More Little Johnny <suggestive language>
  4. Rules for cats who have a house to run - Part 1
  5. Dismal comments and questions about contemporary life
  6. The Search Committee (mildly religious)
  7. From the mouths of babes
  8. The World's Smartest Man <re: Bill Gates>
  9. Godzilla Unrealistic
 10. In The News - Humorous New Quips

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Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 03:41:10 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Money

* Always remember -- Money isn't everything.
  Hell, sometimes, it's not even 97 %
                                - - - - -

* All my life I've considered myself fortunate not to have any
  money problems.  Lack of money problems -- yes, tons of those.
                                - - - - -

* I always try to save my money.  Who knows, maybe it'll become
  valuable again someday.
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying my neighbor is rich or anything, but I noticed
  he has a calendar in his kitchen from the World Bank.
                                - - - - -

* Ya know, it's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.
                                - - - - -

* Bill Gates is what you would call rich by any standard.  He has
  bills so big, we don't even have Presidents for them.
                                - - - - -

* Budgets aren't really that tricky a deal.  When ya get right down
  to it, they're just a systematic way of living beyond your means.
                                - - - - -

* The last time the wolf was at my door, I just showed him the
  budget Mrs JimJr and I had worked out.  He gave me $20 & left.
                                - - - - -

* The US Government sez that the life of a twenty dollar bill is
  about 6 months.  What I'm trying to do is find out where these
  things go to die and strike it rich.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 06:58:55 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Make Women Happy Game


                      Simple Duties
 - You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car..........+1
 - You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to
   the nearest gas station...-1
 - You make the bed........................................+1
 - You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.............-1
 - You check out a suspicious noise at night................0
 - You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.....+5
 - You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10
 - It's her father........................................-10


                     Saturday Afternoon
 - You go to the mall together.............................+3
 - You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the
   car...+4
 - You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a
   sporting event...-2
 - You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk...+3
 - Most of it snack food for watching football games.......-6
 - You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den...+15
 - Or adding a second floor...............................+18
 - Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.....-6


                      A Night At Home
 - You watch TV together....................................0
 - You rent a movie........................................+1
 - You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...........+3
 - It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5
 - It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep............-1
 - It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and snore..-2


                         Driving
 - You lose the directions on a trip.......................-4
 - You lose the directions and end up getting lost.........-10
 - You won't stop and ask for directions...................-15
 - You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15
 - You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
   and personal...-25
 - She finds out you lied about having a blackbelt.......-60

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Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 14:05:13 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: More Little Johnny <suggestive language>

Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing.  His mum looks out of
the window to see him eating a couple of Smarties, licking the family
cat and then, standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and
sitting down again.

Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to.  By the time she gets to
him, he's done the same set of actions another four times. 'Johnny', she
cries, 'What are you up to?!!' 'Mum, I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel -
I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on'

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 11:03:43 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Rules for cats who have a house to run - Part 1

Rules for cats who have a house to run - Part 1

I. DOORS:    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door
opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach
under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest
reaction.  Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you
have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and
think about several things. This is particularly important during very
cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the
mosquito season.  Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS:    If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed
chair quickly.  If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental
rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When
urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as
long as a human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS:    Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.)
It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING:    If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering".
The following are the rules for "helping":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
   You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped
   on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
   unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
   appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least
   the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out
   and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract
   you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and
   needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans
   may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes
   or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to help!
   First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly
   from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around
   on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being
   removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the
   table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
   jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 12:26:11 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Dismal comments and questions about contemporary life

This past Mother's Day I receive a very appropriate card from my son
in college. It read, "Happy Mother's Day from Wash Your Face and Hands."

Do French people American kiss?

It's a sad state when television viewers can accept killing and murder
and yet not accept sex and the act of love. Seems perversion in
America is more than warped.

I told a postal worker the other day that e-mail was much better than
U.S. mail. He told me that he was going to have to kill someone.

What ever happen to the clear Pepsi?

To my husband's ex-wife: You thought the "grass was greener." You
wanted out. Bad choice, but you made it. The entire family is sick of
your whining about "being alone." Get a life! And Get out of Ours!

You can always spot a Dunwoody woman in mourning. She's the one with
black tennis shorts.

To the people who keep using the terms "Yankee" and "southerner" or
whatever. The American civil war has been over for 120 plus years.
Care to join the rest of us before the century changes again?

As a smoker and a believer in liberty I regret that I have but two
lungs to give for my FREEDOM.

Last year over four thousand smokers died of pneumonia after being
sent outside!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled whining for this announcement.
Apart from all of our little problems, this really is a beautiful city
to live in. Thank you, and enjoy the show.

To the people who hate cigarette butts - I drive a green Mazada, why
don't you follow me around and pick my butts up for me when I throw
them out the window.

If you pull the legs off a fly what does it become? A walk?

Selected from: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 11:29:51 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: The Search Committee (mildly religious)

[Thanks to Ellen Lee]

                 THE PASTORAL SEARCH COMMITTEE
                  - Submitted by John Bright
                 ------------------------------

PASTOR SEARCH COMMITTEE REPORT
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch
sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by
the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The
list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should
you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral
placements.

NOAH: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.

MOSES: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses
his temper over trivial things.

ABRAHAM: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got
into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.

DAVID: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have
been considered for minister of music had he not 'fallen.'

SOLOMON: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice
what he preaches.

ELIJAH: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.

HOSEA: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a
prostitute.

JEREMIAH: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the neck.'

AMOS: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.

JOHN: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a
hippie.  Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.

PETER: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.

PAUL: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, his appearance is
contemptible, and he preaches far too long.

TIMOTHY: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.

JESUS: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially
Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search
committee with his pointed questions.

JUDAS: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares
for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are
looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.

         Pastoral Search Committee chairman

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 16:24:42 -0700
From:    Lloyd Johnston <lloydj@COMPUSMART.AB.CA>
Subject: From the mouths of babes

My four year old cousin came home and told her father that she
learned how to make babies.  After he picked himself off the floor,
he asked her how they do that.

She replied, "Drop the 'y' and add 'ies'."


Lloyd Johnston, Elementary Education
University of Alberta, Class of 1998
http://www.compusmart.ab.ca/lloydj

* If you can read this, thank a teacher.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 21:39:47 EDT
From:    NoDbtGrr1 <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: The World's Smartest Man <re: Bill Gates>

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill
Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator
exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to
fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the
compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that
we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four
parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door
and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the
world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's
greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of
the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world
needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute,
too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama
spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the
bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a
parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 18:28:33 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Godzilla Unrealistic

Let's be honest -- the movie "Godzilla" is unrealistic and out of date.
Today, a predatory creature devouring everything in its path would look
more like Bill Gates.  Nerdzilla.

King Kong clung to the Empire State Building, but in my movie Nerdzilla
meets his match when he is unable to climb Janet Reno.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 22:59:29 -0500
From:    Lambert Ed <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous New Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to the Clintons (I doubt they read me anyway :), impotent men, killer bees,
Yugo and Geo owners, OJ Simpson (it just won't go away), postal workers, Spice Girls. Mild language,
adult themes. I think that covers it.

This week is National Anxiety Week. I don't know why, but for some reason that makes me nervous.

Headline of the Week: Hillary Clinton charms French in top to bottom visit. Sounds like a simple case of
revenge...

Hillary Clinton, in a speech about America's historic sites, said we can't remember events that happened
150 years ago. Us? The Clintons can't even remember events that happened in Arkansas 10 years ago.
(Leno)

India joined the nuclear club by setting off three bombs. After the third one, they said they wouldn't do it
again, but just to be safe, Clinton ordered his intern to stay under his desk. (Maher)

Ted Kaczynski was transferred to the same prison in Colorado where Timothy McVeigh resides. Maybe
they should put the two together in a cell, throw in a chemistry set and let nature take its course... (Leno)

State agriculture officials announced that killer bees have reached Nevada. They discovered two swarms
of the aggressive bees in Laughlin. They plan to trap them by setting up a number of sting operations.

According to a new study, 20% of men do not know how to properly put on a condom. You know what
they call these men? Dad. (Leno)

The company that makes Viagra, the anti-impotency pill, is trying to make the pill work even faster.
Apparently, some guys think an hour is too long to wait for a couple of minutes.

Insurance companies are balking at paying for Viagra. You have to actually prove that you need it. When
you go into a pharmacy, they have a sign that says, "You must be this small..." (Leno)

Viagra is "popping up" everywhere. Look for Viagra candy bars, "Oh, oh, oh Henry!" (Leno)

Archeologists are excited about the discovery of fossils at an excavation in Kenya that indicate man's
early ancestors were walking erect over 4 million years ago. They base this conclusion on small traces of
Viagra found at the dig site.

William Henderson was named the new postmaster general. Postal workers gave him a 21 gun salute.
(Cutler Daily Scoop)

OJ Simpson told reporters that he's been working out again, and he's in great shape. Apparently, he's
stalking 20 miles a day.

Crown Books is in financial trouble and may file for bankruptcy. Their new slogan, "If you paid full price,
we wouldn't be in debt." (Daily Scoop)

Not to be outdone by the Chrysler-Benz merger, Geo and Yugo are considering a merger to manufacture
quality golf carts.

This years Mother of the Year crown went to a New York woman with 21 children which, if I'm not
mistaken, also qualifies her for the Mrs. Congeniality award.

NBC will air a TV miniseries titled, "The Bible". It will run for six straight nights after which you can rest.

The Mondavi Winery will open a restaurant and wine-tasting area at Disney's California Adventure. Their
motto: You can be damned sure this is the happiest place on Earth!

The producers of the Jerry Springer show said they're taking steps to make sure the guests don't hurt
each other. In fact, they had an entire new set designed by Nerf. (O'Brien)

What if Jerry Springer and Jerry Seinfeld did a series together. It would be a whole show about people
fighting over nothing.

With the last Seinfeld over, networks are trying to cash in on the hype, by coming up with their own
theme: Jerry Springer will now be described as a show about roughing. The Food Network is planning a
show about stuffing. Court TV has a show about bluffing.

Sporty Spice (I kid you not) turned 22 this week, or as she calls it, "This many plus this many plus two."

McDonald's has dropped a lawsuit against a Vienna hairdresser who called his salon McHair. Uh, ew.
McDonald's originally found it offensive when the salon offered McCrewCuts, McHighlights and McToners.
"We McSettled out of McCourt," said a McDonalds McLawyer.

And finally, Las Vegas' latest attraction, the New York, New York Hotel and Casino is really authentic...
the only difference is that you get mugged *inside* the buildings...

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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 May 1998 to 27 May 1998
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