HUMOR Digest - 25 May 1998 to 26 May 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 502 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Baseball <some profanity>
  2. New Age Acronyms
  3. Preparation H-Bomb! (scatological, adolescent)
  4. Breakfast <two words>
  5. Cat Riddles
  6. Derisive comments and questions about contemporary life
  7. Top5 - 5/26/98 - Signs Your Memorial Day Sucked
  8. Another Cat Riddle  <offensive to cat lovers>
  9. Abbot And Costello <clean>
 10. Government Control

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Date:    Mon, 25 May 1998 04:33:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Baseball <some profanity>

* For those of you not familiar with baseball, the Baltimore Orioles
  have pretty much been a contender for the championship annually.
  This year however, they're playing terrible.  In fact, the players'
  uniform numbers are higher than their batting averages.
                                - - - - -

* Some of the Orioles are hitting so poorly, they're able to strike
  out on just two pitches instead of three.
                                - - - - -

* The manager called an extra batting practice.  It was the first
  time ever that an automatic pitching machine threw a no hitter.
                                - - - - -

* Our team has been in the "cellar" (last place) for so long, all of
  their uniforms are damp.
                                - - - - -

* When I played baseball in high school, I couldn't hit a curve ball.
  Now that I play golf, I can't stop hitting them.
                                - - - - -

* I've often wondered in umpires dislike night games.  I mean those
  bright lights must make it hard to sleep.
                                - - - - -

* People are always making fun of "jocks".  Well, I've have y'all know
  that one of the Orioles just finished a book.  Now I understand he's
  gonna try to read a second one soon too.
                                - - - - -

* For those of you who've never been to a ballpark, they're religious
  places.  I mean, so often you hear, "For God's sake -- sit down !"

  And just about every home game for the Orioles these days, you'll
  hear 43,000 people shout, "Jesus Christ !" in unison.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 May 1998 07:35:09 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New Age Acronyms

               GENERATION X AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO

 Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
                 missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

 Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers
              go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by
              physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping
              speech in mid-sentence.

 Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.

 Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for
               references to one's own name.

 Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's
                   heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

 Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators
                 running .

 Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

 Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've
              just made a big mistake.

 SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

 Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

 Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
             experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip
             character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised
             the specs for the fourth time this week."

 CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills
           and charisma of a plastic action figure.

 Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by
                   addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I
                   just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got
                   a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

 Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's
                      code of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you.
                      AOL put me under mouse arrest."

 Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular
           pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he
           notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

 Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both
                     paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree
                     edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."

 Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's
                processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray
                bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for
                what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

 Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

 Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and
                   talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

 Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information
              effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're
              busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain
              fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that
              had more negative connotations.

 Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long
               time. A dead web page.

 It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used
                  sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that
                  you wish to gloss over.

 Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on
                   computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I
                   can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

 Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an
              office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around
              here."

 Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
                the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the
                adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
                irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

 Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young
               entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and
               established.

 Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
              only to get screwed in the end.

 Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
                       headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands .

 404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404
       Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
       Don't bother asking him, he's 404.

 Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity, Barney the
              dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 May 1998 10:22:44 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Preparation H-Bomb! (scatological, adolescent)

                PREPARATION H-BOMB!

(WASHINGTON DC, JRI) - NASA today announced plans for a massive project to
prepare planet Earth for a possible collision with a rock from deep space.
"Asteroids pose a real threat to the planet's population," noted Program
Director Payne Fellitch. "They are fiery balls which cause severe pain and
discomfort, such as is now experienced by my Uncle Lardbottom."

In cooperation with Miles Laboratories, NASA has developed a Preparation
H-Bomb to relieve the pain and swelling that an asteroid collision with
Earth would cause. The volatile ointment would be launched by missile and
detonated near the asteroid, coating it with a soothing protective gel.
"We'd like to thank the men and women on the Uranus project, whose work
was instrumental in developing this device," noted Fellitch. Today, we can
all rest a little easier.


Original Humor Content - Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 May 1998 12:53:50 EDT
From:    NoDbtGrr1 <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Breakfast <two words>

Breakfast Trouble

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.
The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin
swearing.  When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old
hatched the plan, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say
'Hell' and you say 'ass.'  The 4 year old happily agreed.

As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother
walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast.
The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

"WHACK!"  The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling
and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the
younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

"I don't know," the 4 year old blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it's not
gonna be Cheerios."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 May 1998 17:26:33 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Cat Riddles

What would you call a cat that likes to dig on the beach?
Sandy Claws.

Which is the cats' all-time favorite song?
"Three Blind Mice."

What is another name for a cat's home?
A scratch pad.

How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much?
Buy a twenty-pound cat!

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One means pause at the end of a clause, and the other means claws at the
end of paws!

If a cat is a flabby tabby, then what is a very small cat?
An itty bitty kitty.

What is the best award a cat can earn?
The Purr-litzer prize.

Can anything be smarter than a cat that can count?
Yes, a spelling bee!


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 May 1998 20:17:46 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Derisive comments and questions about contemporary life

If we teachers are to carry guns, will they be furnished, or do we
just pick out one for all the ones that are taken from our students.

I'm 22 years old and a university student. My parents keep telling me
these are the best years of my life. In the past week, I've failed two
tests, had my car stolen, and broke off a two-year relationship. If
this is as good as it's gonna get, I think I want to be five again.

[Road rage alert] If refuse to allow you to limit my life. If you want
to go slow then get out of the fast lane.

Do all smokers litter, or are all litterbugs smokers?

At last, a real life "battle of the Titans." Microsoft vs The US Govt.

Want to reduce smoking without taxes. Make the cigarette packs as hard
to open as CD wrappers.

Does anybody know when fall starts? I am already sick of this heat.

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it
in more places.

Viagra Users: Be careful! If you don't swallow the pill fast enough,
you might get a stiff neck.

Sinatra's last words: Man, that Seinfeld finale sucked!

Selected from: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 May 1998 22:28:41 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 5/26/98 - Signs Your Memorial Day Sucked

       The Top 16 Signs Your Memorial Day Weekend Sucked

16> Huge grill marks on your ass.

15> Stay in the local burn ward now part of the family
    cookout tradition.

14> Your secret weekend "get away" is actually a web site.

13> Image of Grandpa in his Speedo is indelibly burned into
    your memory.

12> Your improbable kebob skewer mishap headlines local paper.

11> Just as you and the gang settled in to watch the Three
    Stooges Marathon, the FBI cut the power to your ranch.

10> You can now lip-synch to that entire "Thighmaster" infomercial.

 9> Your barbeque fire consumed 10,000 acres.

 8> You attended the annual beef barbecue at the British Embassy.

 7> Regardless what the marriage license says, you don't remember
    going to Vegas.

 6> Your five-year-old took the phrase "weiner roast" literally.

 5> Emulating that North Korean fighter pilot, neighborhood punks
    try to "defect" on your front lawn.

 4> While you baked in the sun, drinking buddies placed DUMBASS
    stencil on your forehead.

 3> Didn't shoot your limit in San Diego's Wild Animal Park.

 2> Held seance to raise spirits of dead war heros, only got
    Gomer Pyle.

	  and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Memorial Day Weekend Sucked...

 1> Your Ball Park Frank didn't plump, if you know what I mean.


	[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
	[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
	[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 May 1998 23:23:09 EDT
From:    SteveYoth <SteveYoth@AOL.COM>
Subject: Another Cat Riddle  <offensive to cat lovers>

Q:  How do you make a cat say "WOOF"?

A:  Douse it with gas and light a match!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 May 1998 09:29:08 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Abbot And Costello <clean>

Abbot and Costello Meet Windows 95

Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn
it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start
it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but
no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we
started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 May 1998 22:00:29 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Government Control

GOVERNMENT CONTROL

In the past, government controlled people with the big lie.  Modern
information technology has made that impossible, though.  So, now, facts
are diluted by a constant flow of little lies.  Who says our leaders
aren't innovative?        -Jimmy Johnson, Arlo & Janis cartoon strip

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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 May 1998 to 26 May 1998
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