HUMOR Digest - 24 May 1998 to 25 May 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 487 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Dining Out <some adult humor>
  2. Di You Ever Wonder???
  3. Understanding your wife
  4. Riddle (offensive to women)
  5. True Newspaper Headlines
  6. Teasing The Gorilla <adult>
  7. Marketing Mistakes
  8. I Like Monkeys...
  9. Sure sign the economy will crash soon
 10. Skool Jokes <clean>

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Date:    Sun, 24 May 1998 03:58:51 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Dining Out <some adult humor>

* People who eat out frequently will notice like I did --
  the bigger the pepper mill, the worse the restaurant.
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the cook who once got his hand caught in the
  dishwasher.  They were both fired.
                                - - - - -

* I have a question.  Should you drink the water in authentic
  Mexican restaurants ?
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the cook who told the waitress to push the soup
  du jour because it was a week old.
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying it wasn't a good restaurant or anything, but the
  catch of the day was fish sticks.
                                - - - - -

*   You'd think I'd know better by now, but I still like to try
  new restaurants, even when they're in Columbia Maryland.  I
  asked our waiter if he had any suggestions.
    He said, "Don't wear that color tie with that suit."
                                - - - - -

*   We've all stopped in places that didn't look all that clean.
  I was traveling to a meeting with a fellow named George.  He
  promptly decided that all he wanted was coffee and told the
  waitress to make sure the cup was clean.
    A few minutes later she came back with our coffee and said,
  "Which one of you wanted the clean cup ?"

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------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 24 May 1998 11:49:56 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Di You Ever Wonder???

 Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

 Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
 bright until you hear them speak?

 If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
 tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

 Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
 dead?

 Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't
 they be called builts?

 Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

 Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what
 time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

 Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?

 The light went out, but where to?

 Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
 already know you don't have?

 Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

 Why is the alphabet in that order?

 If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
 expanding, what is it expanding into?

 If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the
 taxi driver end up owing you money?

 What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

 If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
 other trees make fun of it?

 Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

 When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It
 sounds like a near hit to me!!

 Do fish get cramps after eating?

 Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

 Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
 everything outdoors?

 Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

 If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

 When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

 Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
 not adoor?

 If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

 Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid
 contains real lemons?

 Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

 Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

 Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
 apes?

 Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

 Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

 Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM
 longer?

 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
 section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 24 May 1998 11:39:45 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Understanding your wife

           "The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife"

     WIFESPEAK                 ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
     ---------                  ------- ----------
* You want             <==>    You want
* We need              <==>    I want
* It's your decision   <==>    The right decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want     <==>    You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk      <==>    I need to complain
* Sure,... go ahead    <==>    I don't want you to
* I'm hungry           <==>    (a) Make me something to eat
                               (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
                                   your last $$, and go drive across town
                                   and get me something to eat. ... I don't
                                   care if what you are doing is important.
* I'm not upset        <==>    Of course I'm upset, you moron
* You're,... so manly  <==>    You need a shave and you sweat a lot
* You're certainly     <==>    Is sex all you ever think about?
  attentive tonight
* I'm not emotional!   <==>    I'm having my period
  And I'm not over-
  reacting!
* Be romantic, turn    <==>    I have flabby thighs
  out the lights.
* This kitchen is so   <==>    I want a new house
  inconvenient
* The car is empty     <==>    Go fill it up
* The trash is full    <==>    Take it out
* The dog is barking   <==>    Go outside in your underwear and see what is
                               wrong
* I want new curtains  <==>    and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
* I need wedding shoes <==>    the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture      <==>   NO! I mean hang it there!
  there
* I heard a noise      <==>    I noticed you were almost asleep
* Do you love me?      <==>    I'm going to ask for something expensive
* How much do you love <==>    I did something today you're really not going
  me?                          to like

In answer to "What's Wrong?"

* Nothing              <==>    Everything
* Everything           <==>    My PMS is acting up
* Nothing, really      <==>    It's just that you're such an asshole
* I don't want to      <==>    Go away, I'm still building up steam.
  talk about it

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 24 May 1998 12:39:40 -0400
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Riddle (offensive to women)

Q: What does an older woman have between her breasts that a younger
   woman doesn't?

A:   A belly button.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 24 May 1998 12:56:12 +0100
From:    Alan Waldie <alan@MAIL.MYRIAD.NET>
Subject: True Newspaper Headlines

These are headlines for various newspapers in '97 (we will protect the
guilty by not mentioning from whence they came):

   * Include your children when baking cookies.
   * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.
   * Police begin campaign to rundown jaywalkers.
   * Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
   * Iraqi head seeks arms.
   * Prostitutes appeal to Pope.
   * Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.
   * British left waffles on Falklands Islands.
   * Teacher strikes idle kids.
   * Clinton wins on budget, but more lies ahead.
   * Plane too close to the ground, crash probe told.
   * Miners refuse to work after death.
   * Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
   * Stolen painting found by tree.
   * Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.
   * War dims hope for peace.
   * If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while.
   * Cold wave linked to temperatures.
   * Enfields couple slain; police suspect homicide.
   * Red tape holds up new bridges.
   * Typhoon rips through cemetery, hundreds dead.
   * Man struck by lightning faces battery charges.
   * New study of obesity looks for larger test group.
   * Kids make nutritious snacks.
   * Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy.
   * Local high school dropouts cut in half.
   * New vaccine may contain rabies.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 24 May 1998 14:53:11 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Teasing The Gorilla <adult>

It is a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's 20
wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.  As
they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla,
the beast goes crazy.  He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and
his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.  The
husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor
fellow.  The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and
the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs."  This drives the gorilla
absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door,
slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.  " Now, tell HIM you
have a headache."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 24 May 1998 15:40:21 EDT
From:    NoDbtGrr1 <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Marketing Mistakes

GREAT MARKETING MISTAKES

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
   "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
   American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to
   find out that "mist" is slang for manure.  Not too many people had use for
   the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
   packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label.
   Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on
   the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
   notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
   which promoted the Pope's visit.  Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa),
   the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
   brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender
   chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make
   a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la," meaning
   "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on
   the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic
   equivalent "Ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
    to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you," Instead,
    the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to
    embarrass, so the ad read:  "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
    pregnant."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 24 May 1998 14:45:47 -0700
From:    "Todd C. Nessen" <tnessen@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: I Like Monkeys...

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.  I thought this was
odd since they were normally a couple thousand.  I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.  I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home.  I have a big car.  I let one of them drive.
His name was sigmund.  He was retarded.  In fact, none of them were really
bright.  They kept punching themselves in the genitals.  I laughed.  They
punched me in the genitals... I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room.  They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment.  They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall.  Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they
all dies.  No apparent reason.  They all just sort of dropped dead.  Kinda
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.  Damn cheap
monkeys.

I didn't know what to do.  There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.  It looked like
I had 200 throw rugs.  I tried to flush one down the toilet.  It didn't
work.  It got stuck.  Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred
ninety-nine dead dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend they were just stuffed animals.  That worked for a while,
that is until they began to decompose.  It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to
call a plumber.  I was too embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.  Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every
2 minutes.  I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go
bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable.  I
had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my
freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my
bed.  The odor wasn't improving.

I because agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I
really had to use the bathroom.  So I went and severely beat on of the
monkeys.  I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed
to dispose of charred primates.  I told him I had one wet one.  He couldn't
take it either.  I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution.  I gave them all out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't quite know what to say.  They pretended to like them, but
I could tell they were lying.  Ingrates!  So I punched them in the genitals.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 24 May 1998 21:50:26 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Sure sign the economy will crash soon

Yes, you've seen those books entitled "The Complete Idiots Guide ..." Who
would buy such a book. Yeah, I know! Now I can top that.

Today, I was reading the Business section of the Atlanta
Journal-Constitution. You're not going to be believe this, but they have a
column called "Ask the Fool." The column is complete with two smiling young
men in coat and tie each wearing a jester's cap. A year from now, experts
are going to be telling us that any fool could have predicted the collapse
of the economy. After all, business people in 1998 were asking admitted
fools for investment advice.

If you want to ask these fools a question you can write them at
Fool@ajc.com (Attention: The Motley Fool).
Please don't tell them I recommended them. I don't.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 May 1998 09:23:17 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Skool Jokes <clean>

1. A boy come home from skool with his exam results.
       "What did u get?" asked his father.
       "My marks are under water," said the boy.
       "What do u mean 'under water'?"
       "They are all below 'C' level"

2. Teacher: "Spell 'WATER',"
     Girl:    "HIJKLMNO."
     Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER',"
     Girl:    "Yes, it does  it's all the letters from 'H to O'."

3. Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such master pieces?"
     College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."

4. "Mum, teacher was asking me today if i have any brothers or sisters
     who will be coming to school."
     "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she
     say when u told her u are the only child?"
     She just said, "Thank goodness!"

5. Teacher: "Where were u born?"
     Student: "Singapore, Sir."
     Teacher: "Which part?"
     Student: "All of me, Sir."

6. Teacher: "Chong, u missed skool last Friday."
     Chong:   "You're wrong, Sir."
     Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
     Chong:   "I was absent, yes but i certainly didn't miss it!"

7. A skool girl was having an eye test.
      "Can u read out the letters on the chart on the wall?" asked the
      optician.
      "What chart?" asked the girl.

8. A teacher was asking her class:
   "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
     Only one hand shot up.
    "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.
     "'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and
    'illegal' is a sick eagle."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 24 May 1998 to 25 May 1998
************************************************

