HUMOR Digest - 23 May 1998 to 24 May 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 398 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Hollywood
  2. Titanic
  3. Instructions for life
  4. Mergers (Puns)
  5. Travel Humour
  6. 3 Priests
  7. Cursory comments and questions about contemporary life
  8. Another corporate merger

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Date:    Sat, 23 May 1998 03:57:46 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Hollywood

* Hollywood is a real wild town from what I hear.  I understand
  they even play strip Monopoly there.
                                - - - - -

* Two co-stars just got married.  It's just as well really.
  They weren't getting along anyway.
                                - - - - -

* Where else but Hollywood could you go out on a blind date and
  end-up with your own wife ?
                                - - - - -

* Hollywood couples have strange relationships.  Some couples live
  together, but don't marry; others marry, but don't live together.
                                - - - - -

* One Hollywood star, having problems with his image, hired three
  press agents to let the world know how modest he is.
                                - - - - -

* Another Hollywood starlet just came back from her honeymoon.
  The tape will be on the market as a work-out video next month.
                                - - - - -

* These days, actresses can still make it to the top by wearing
  clothes that don't.
                                - - - - -

* Where else but Hollywood can ya find jewelry stores than will
  rent engagement rings ?
                                - - - - -

* An actor or actress works all their lives to gain recognition;
  they make guest appearances, spend a lot for publicity people
  and agents etc.  Then, when they finally become well known,
  they complain they cannot go out in public anymore.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date:    Sat, 23 May 1998 10:02:18 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Titanic

	[Personal Message deleted for Archival Purposes]
	
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Date:    Sat, 23 May 1998 15:33:22 +0300
From:    Alamoudi's <kurbi@SAHARA.COM.SA>
Subject: Instructions for life

 1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
 2. Memorize your favorite poem.
 3. Don't believe all you hear,  spend all you have or sleep all you want.
 4. When you say, "I love you" - mean it.
 5. When you say, "I'm sorry" - look the person in the eye.
 6. Be engaged for at least six months before you get married.
 7. Believe in love at first sight.
 8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
 9. Love deeply and passionately.  You might get hurt but it's the only way
    to live completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly.  No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask,
    "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great acheivements involve great risk.
15. Call your family.
16. Say, "Bless you" when someone sneezes.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self - Respect for others
    Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone.  The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to.  As you get older, his/her
    conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remeber that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life.  Then when you get older and think back,
    you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is important.  Do all you can to creat a
    tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation.
    Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge.  It's a way to acheive immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray-there's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you're being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a lover doesn't close their eyes when you kiss them.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make alot of money, put it to use while you are living.  That is
    wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules, then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other
    is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 23 May 1998 10:40:51 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Mergers (Puns)

There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the
Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale
Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporate entity
known as ... "Hale Mary Fuller Grace." (By Gary Hollack).

Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape. ...
Net'n'yahoo. ... It didn't work out because they were afraid they would
have to relocate the headquarters ... InTel Aviv. (By Gary Hollack)

A great number of years ago there was a proposed merger between
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new
company would be called ... Fairwell Honeychild. (By P. C. Swanson)

It was announced that Wurlitzer is merging with Xerox. They are going to
market ... reproductive organs. (By Brian Near)

There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers,
and Keebler. It will be called ... Poly-Warner-Cracker.


3M & Goodyear = mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi

Playboy & Toys R Us = Boy Toy

Crabtree & Evelyn  and Apple computer = Crab Apple

Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da

Folger Coffee & Detroit Edison & Rolex = Folderal

Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisschese

Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine

3M & JC Penny & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penny Opera

Mattel & Pacific Gold = Ma & Pa

Sears Roebuck & Rogers Cable = Buck Rogers (By Doris Goodnard)

Cracker Jacks + Maxwell House = Crackhouse

Luvs Diapers + Hertz Rent-a-car = Luv Hertz

Grey Pupon + Dockers Pants = Grey Pupon Pants

Buttmaster + Sunkist = Buttkissed

Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW

Upjohn + Chuckie Cheese Pizza = UpChuck

White Castle Burgers + Glad Trash Bags = White Trash Bags

Uncle Ben's Rice + Ben Gay = Uncle Ben's Gay

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Date:    Sat, 23 May 1998 13:55:58 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Travel Humour

 The following are actual conversations between clients and travel agents:

 A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over
 all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California
 and  then take the train to Hawaii?"

 I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started  to
 explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
 interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown
 is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid
 one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in
 Africa." Her response....click.

 A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angles. She gave me
 various  names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her
 fax me  the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New
 Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and that
 New Orleans  was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back,
 she was  not even embarrassed.

 A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what  was
 wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view
 room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
 middle of the state.  He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on  the map
 and Florida is a very thin state."

 I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
 Canada?" I said, "No."  He said "but they look so close on the  map."

 Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  When I
 pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
 When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard  Dallas
 was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to  save
 time."

 A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
 flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I
 tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois but she
 could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the
 plane went very fast, and she bought that!

 A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical  description on
 your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"  I said, "No, why do
 you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they
 put a  tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
 connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
 it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code
 for  Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination
 tag on her luggage.

 I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
 plane  to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he  replied,
 "I  was  told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes
 have numbers on them."

 A woman called and said, " I need to fly to pepsi-cola on one of  those
 computer planes."  I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
 plane.  She said, "Yea, whatever."

 A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
 in  order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,
 I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
 times and never had to have one of those."  I double checked, and sure
 enough, his stay required a visa.  When I told him this he said, "Look,
 I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my  American
 Express."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 23 May 1998 15:19:50 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 3 Priests

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home
to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely
lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in
embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would
get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I
would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost
his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets
to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and
dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to
Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when
you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Sat, 23 May 1998 15:36:13 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Cursory comments and questions about contemporary life

Is there some kind of rule that syas major league umpires must be
overweight slobs?

I saw a billboard proclaiming a "new tradition of service." Isn't a
tradition something that has been going on a long time?

My solution for telemarketers: I tell them I'm dead.

The U.S. Postal Service needs that extra penny to cover the cost of
storage.

Why is it when the dentist has both of his hands in your mouth, he
wants to carry on a conversation?

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

The same government that has squandered and mismanaged our tax dollars
into a $5 trillion national debt somehow feels qualified to give
business advice to Microsoft, one of the most successful enterprises
of the century?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if it were deregulated?

The funniest thing about the last "Seinfeld" was the laugh track. You
know what those people were laughing at? Nothing.

What are all those bank tellers doing back there other than ignoring
all of us who are standing in line?

You know your luxurious cruise vacation is over when you find yourself
at Burger King eating a Whopper


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

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Date:    Sat, 23 May 1998 14:43:37 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Another corporate merger

Federal Express and UPS will become Fed Up.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 23 May 1998 to 24 May 1998
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