HUMOR Digest - 22 May 1998 to 23 May 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 273 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Cotton (pun)
  2. Psychiatry
  3. Teachers
  4. OXYMORONS (not off.)
  5. MS-DOJ v 1.0
  6. The Creation Story as told by a dog.
  7. tarzan   (adult)
  8. Choices (adult)

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Date:    Thu, 21 May 1998 23:36:21 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Cotton (pun)

   A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?"
he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's
gone for cotton."
   The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir,"
she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
   When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for
cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a
week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was
poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ... "Gone, But Not for
Cotton."

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Date:    Fri, 22 May 1998 03:09:07 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Psychiatry

* A psychiatrist is a doctor you see when you're going crazy,
  and they help you.
                        - - - - -

* In Columbia Maryland, 3 out of 5 Yuppies go to a shrink.
  The other two are psychiatrists.
                        - - - - -

* One psychiatrist likes to work in the great outdoors --
  instead of a couch, he uses a sleeping bag.
                        - - - - -

* Ever wonder if you're treated for multiple personalities,
  if you qualify for a group rate ?
                        - - - - -

* I once went to a shrink.  He told me to speak freely.
  I did.  Then the damn fool tried to charge me $90 an hour.

* I stopped going to him after a while though.  He always
  asked me the same question Mrs JimJr always does --
  "Who do you think you are ?"
                        - - - - -

* The patient pulled out a gun and told the psychiatrist,
  "You're a great doctor, and you've helped me a lot.
  But now, you know too much."
                        - - - - -

*   A patient walks into a psychiatrist's office and says,
  "Doctor, you've got to help me, I'm a schizophrenic."
    The doctor replied, "Don't worry about a thing.  The
  four of us can handle it."


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------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 May 1998 11:51:43 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Teachers

 Why is it that when a teacher tries to eat candy or gum or whatever during
the lesson, he/she does his/her best not to be seen eating? Pretending to
pick up something, the teacher pop the sweetie in his/her mouth. Or tries
to look very busy going through his/her bag/purse and eats a chokolate bar
from there.

 Come on, people! There are dozens of eyes pointed directly at you! You
have no chance of making you business in secrecy! You might as well show
whatever you are trying to eat to everyone and then eat it AND enjoy the
envy of others. Since nobody brings apples to the teachers anymore, I think
are entitled to a few candy bits every now and then.


http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/

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Date:    Fri, 22 May 1998 07:03:18 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: OXYMORONS (not off.)

        Top 47 OXYMORONS:

          47. Act naturally
          46. Found missing
          45. Resident alien
          44. Advanced BASIC
          43. Genuine imitation
          42. Airline Food
          41. Good grief
          40. Same difference
          39. Almost exactly
          38. Government organization
          37. Sanitary landfill
          36. Alone together
          35. Legally drunk
          34. Silent scream
          33. American history
          32. Living dead
          31. Small crowd
          30. Business ethics
          29. Soft rock
          28. Butt Head
          27. Military Intelligence
          26. Software documentation
          25. New York culture
          24. New classic
          23. Sweet sorrow
          22. Childproof
          21. "Now, then ..."
          20. Synthetic natural gas
          19. Passive aggression
          18. Taped live
          17. Clearly misunderstood
          16. Peace force
          15. Extinct Life
          14. Temporary tax increase
          13. Computer jock
          12. Plastic glasses
          11. Terribly pleased
          10. Computer security
          09. Political science
          08. Tight slacks
          07. Definite maybe
          06. Pretty ugly
          05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
          04. Diet ice cream
          03. Working vacation
          02. Exact estimate

          And the Number one top Oxymoron:

          01. Microsoft Works

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 May 1998 07:57:56 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: MS-DOJ v 1.0

(REDMOND WA, JRI) - The war is on. Microsoft today announced the release of
MS-DOJ v 1.0 -- software designed to replace in its entirety the U.S.
Department of Justice (DOJ). "The DOJ is irrational," declared Bill Gates.
"This new software will replace the capricious whims of lifetime bureaucrats
with the cool logic of digital analysis."

Industry analysts, concerned over the effect of the DOJ's masive investigation
into Microsoft, hailed the move as "brilliant." In a presentation before a
packed auditorium, Gates demonstrated some of the features of the new program,
including the helpful MS-DOJ v 1.0 Monopoly Wizard. This digital aide guides
you through the determination of whether a corporation has used monopolistic
practices.

First question: "Does the corporation start with "Micro?" If yes, it's not a
monopoly! Microsoft claims the entire DOJ can be run from the software, which
also requires the purchase of Windows98, Microsoft Internet Explorer, and
tickets to Bill Gates favorite charity raffle.

Original Humor Content - Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 May 1998 14:08:26 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Creation Story as told by a dog.

The Creation Story as told by a dog.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the
horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the
good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might
not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and
the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 May 1998 21:21:19 +0300
From:    Alamoudi's <kurbi@SAHARA.COM.SA>
Subject: tarzan   (adult)

Tarzan had been living  alone in his  jungle kingdom for 30 years with
only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously  thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally,
overcome by this display  of animal passion Jane came out into the open
and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big
kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 22 May 1998 23:03:54 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Choices (adult)

A pompous Southern minister was seated next to an attorney on a recent
flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for
drink orders. The attorney asked for a gin and tonic, which was brought
and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The
minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!!"

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm
sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 22 May 1998 to 23 May 1998
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