HUMOR Digest - 19 May 1998 to 20 May 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Debate (Pun)
  2. The Military
  3. Sidewinder <anatomically Xplicit lang.>
  4. Real Hungry < offensive to BJP supporters>
  5. blondes
  6. Viagra, Anyone?
  7. Dear Paula by Elisabeth (Am political satire)
  8. Glib questions and comments about contemporary life
  9. E Mail Precautions
 10. Windows 2000
 11. Surd-Times : Questions! <clean>

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Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 00:26:08 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Debate (Pun)

Did you catch the recent two hour debate on the Public Broadcasting
Network. The heated discussion included artists, Peter Max and Norman
Rockwell, NASCAR champion, A.J. Foyt, legendary jockey, Johnny Longdon
and sprinter, Carl Lewis. Their topic was ... Race and Color.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 04:07:05 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Military

* A lot of people wonder how they came up with the design for the
  military's camouflage outfits.  Easy -- they patterned it after
  Army and Marine food.
                                - - - - -

* If you think I'm kidding about the food, ask anyone who's ever
  been in the Marines or the Army.  About the worst punishment you
  could be given while in Boot Camp was "seconds" at the Mess Hall.
                                - - - - -

* Those camouflage outfits are pretty effective though.  One solider
  fainted while in formation and they couldn't find him for 2 days.
                                - - - - -

* One recruit found that all of the uniforms he was issued fit him
  perfectly.  He began to worry that he was deformed.
                                - - - - -

* Pity the French solider who wins their Croix de Guerre these days.
  With AIDS everywhere, they can't find a General who'll make the
  award and kiss the solider during the ceremony.
                                - - - - -

* If you think it's really true that "old soldiers fade away" ask
  any of them to put on their old Army uniforms.
                                - - - - -

*   The Marine aboard ship was beyond seasick.  A Navy Corpsman
  said, "Can I get you something ?"
    The young Marine replied, "How about an island ?"
                                - - - - -

*   During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was
  falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me
  say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
    The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

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------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 13:17:06 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Sidewinder <anatomically Xplicit lang.>

 A young girl goes to her doctor very embarassed with a problem
 downstairs! after a lot of persausion the doctor finally gets her to
 remove her knickers which reveals that the girl has three vaginas!!!
 One on the left one as usual in the middle and one to the right. The
 doctor is very perplexed and scratches his head muttering things under
 his breath and disappears into the pharmacy next door. He comes back a
 few minutes later and opens up a pack of waterproof plasters. He takes
 two plasters out and places one over the right hand side
 vagina and the other over the left hand sided vagina. The young girl
 asks the doctor "will this cure me doctor"? The doctor replies, "No,
 but it will stop you getting fucked left, right and centre".


* "Testing Nukes for destruction capabilities is like offering Ghandi a
   Burger;  Testing Nukes in response to Nuke testing is like offering
   Ghandi a Rump Steak"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 04:47:46 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Real Hungry < offensive to BJP supporters>

A Sardarji walks into a London restaurant with three huge dogs in tow
and asks the owner, " Do you serve Hindus? "
" Yes," says the owner , "Of course we do."
" Good " says the Sardarji, " fry my dogs a dozen."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 15:06:35 +0300
From:    Alamoudi's <kurbi@SAHARA.COM.SA>
Subject: blondes

From: Mish Alamoudi
Subject: blondes (maybe off. to blones)

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M Company?

Because she kept Throwing away the W's


------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 13:43:02 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Viagra, Anyone?

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and  stuttering,
finally manages to say,"Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.
Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud
physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that
does the trick!  You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you!
This drug is a miracle!  It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does
your wife think about it?"

"My wife?" asks the man, "I don't know, I haven't been home yet."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/xoomstart.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 16:53:30 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Dear Paula by Elisabeth (Am political satire)

(Fan mail to Paula Corbin Jones which was subpoenaed by Congressman Dan
Burton which he is  selectively releasing for the purpose destroying his
enemies).

Dear Paula,

I want you to know that I for one don't think you are trailer park trash.
You can't help who your parents are. It is not like Arkansas is famous for
high standards of housing. Why I understand they still have outhouses down
there.

Men don't understand what a woman has to do to get ahead in life. Myself, I
had to go to a college for three years before I found a man who would take
care of me. I think you did the right thing to go to those wonderful
Christian lawyers at the Rutherford Institution. Dear me, it was bad enough
that you had to take than awful state government job to support yourself,
but it is too ghastly to put into words that a married buba would
repeatedly send that brute of a highway patrolman to proposition you. That
redneck only made $35,000 a year. Why Bill Clinton can't even afford a
wife, letalone a wife and a mistress.

Others may forget what you did for the Republican Party and the Christian
Coalition, but I never will.

I'm praying for you,
Elisabeth Wentworth Northumberland

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 19:44:27 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Glib questions and comments about contemporary life

Most of these items were taken from recent issues of the Vent column
of the Atlanta (Georgia, USA) Journal-Constitution:
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

Now that India has started joyfully exploding nuclear bombs, where
will the wisdom of human aspiration find a new home?

The federal government better stop messing with the tobacco companies.
If they decide to pull ad money from sports program, who'll step in
and sponsor things like the Winston Cup racing series? Somehow the M&M
Racing series doesn't sound quite right.

It's spring and fishing season is here. When they aren't biting, my
6-year-old says to me, "You know, Mama, the easiest way to catch a
fish is to have someone throw you one."

If Richard Nixon had had Dan Burton to edit his tapes, Tricky Dick
would never have resigned.

When I die I want to be able to say that the only thing I didn't get
to do was see the Biggest Ball of Twine in Darwin, Minnesota.

I hear that Ken Starr is going to indict Webster Hubbell's dog for
accepting hushpuppy money.

Newt seems to offend people wherever he goes - now it's New Hampshire.
Why can't we send me to Iran and Libya?

At one of the local nursing homes, a little old man got ahold of his
son's Viagra. He took off all his clothes and ran through the
cafeteria during lunch yelling, "Super Sex! SUPER SEX!" One little old
lady in the back was heard to say, "I believe I'll have the soup."

Be carefull with Viagra. It affects your short-term memory.
Be carefull with Viagra. It affects your short-term memory.

Do Eskimos eat American Pies?

You might have heard about New Gingrich successful book Lessons
Learned The Hard Way. Well, less publicized is three book set entitled
Lessons Easily Forgotten.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 16:26:12 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: E Mail Precautions

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  Just enjoy the Rainbow~
     RAINY
http://members.wbs.net/homepages/r/a/i/rainybow.html
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/7045/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 16:34:47 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Windows 2000

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
for the planned Windows 2000:

  1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
  2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
  5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
  6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
       game?
  9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.
       Please log off."
11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you
      and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have
      security?
24) Required Government Warning:  After we got caught in cahoots
      with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill
      your hard drives, the following message is now required as you
      save your files in Word.
      "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file
      as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential
      viruses.  Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file
      as a Word file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
       have been deleted.  The police are on the way.


--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  Just enjoy the Rainbow~
     RAINY
http://members.wbs.net/homepages/r/a/i/rainybow.html
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/7045/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 09:57:07 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd-Times : Questions! <clean>

Why do Sardars always smile during lightning  storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

Why do sardars have "TGIF" written on their  shoes?
Toes Go In First.

How can you tell when a sardar sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't sardars dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone

A sardar and a american were walking outside when the american said
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
The sardar looked  skyward and said   "Where,    where?

What do smart sardars and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see  them.

Why does it take longer to build a sardar snowman as opposed to a
regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 19 May 1998 to 20 May 1998
************************************************

