HUMOR Digest - 18 May 1998 to 19 May 1998
There are 18 messages totalling 749 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Why Sardarjis are called Surds <clean> (2)
  2. Home Games
  3. Li'l Johnny<Sex. innuendo>
  4. Topical Jokes (some adult themes)
  5. Top5 - 5/18/98 - Signs Your Teacher is Nuts (fwd)
  6. Truths From Kids
  7. My Three Sons
  8. Look out! (adult)
  9. URGENT!
 10. Baltimore Maryland
 11. V-Files II (sex, politics, guns, will offend many...)
 12. a skin graft
 13. ONE MORE URGENT!
 14. love at first site
 15. Almost There? <adult>
 16. Mary Kay
 17. Out of the Mouths of Babes

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 12:03:36 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Why Sardarjis are called Surds <clean>

Do you know why Sardarjis are called Surds?
Well, there is a reason for it and a scientific, mathematical one.

Here it is!

Assume  x = A Stupid Sardarji ,
        y = An Intelligent Sardarji

Now the complex equation will be
x + iy = 0, where x is "real" and y is "imaginary"

and secondary school algebra will remind you such eqs. are called

"surds".......

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 17 May 1998 23:50:34 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Home Games

HOME GAMES

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting.  "It's still
winter," I replied.  "Forget it."

In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex.  I said that
it was still too cold to paint.

In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the
ladder so she could start painting.  Then I went inside to get a beer.
As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a
neighbor passed by.  "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked.  "How can you sit
there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the
house?"

Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."

Robert S. Kowalski

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 10:03:26 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Li'l Johnny<Sex. innuendo>

Little Johnny comes home from school one day. His mother asks "How was
school?" Little Johhny replies "I had sex for the first time today!"
Little Johnny's mother is infuriated. She tells Little Johnny to go to
his room and wait for his father to get home. Later, Little Johnny's
father comes to his room, sits down and says "Don't tell your mother but
congratulations my boy! Sex is great, isn't it?"

The next day, Little Johnny comes home and his father asks "Did you have
sex again today, Little Johnny?" Little Johnny replies "No, my ass still
hurts from yesterday."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 06:55:26 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Topical Jokes (some adult themes)

Memo to India and Pakistan: Your "How To Be A World Superpower" memo
is UPSIDE-DOWN! "Use Nuclear Weapons" comes after "Feed At Least Half
Your People."

We're already starting to see some changes from the Mercedes-Chrysler
merger. For instance, you can get some incredible financing on a
Chrysler under a new program called the Marshall Plan.

Martha Stewart and President Clinton will co-host a $5,000-a-plate
fund raising dinner in Westport, Connecticut. The President is anxious
to ask Martha how to get out a stain that a friend has on her dress.

I think I know where those missing Rose Law Firm billing records are.
Will someone please check in Webster Hubbell's jaw.

The fight is set between 49-year-old George Foreman and 48-year-old
Larry Holmes. It will cost you $39,95 to see it on Pay-Per-View,
$29.95 if you use your AARP discount.

It's expected that if the Secret Service does testify, it will be
pretty damaging to President Clinton. Apparently, he had one of those
Carnival signs outside the Oval Office that said "Your hair must be
this high to sleep with the President."

The Population Reference Bureau says that the 20th Century began with
1.6 billion people and will end with 6 billion. Amazingly, a full 1
billion of them call Sean Kemp "Daddy."

In a posthumous book, James McDougal says he made cash payoffs to Bill
Clinton of $2,000 a month and that the President promised to pardon
Susan McDougal. Clinton responded that the only written by a corpse
which he trusts is Al Gore's "The World in the Balance."

Negotiations between Microsoft and government lawyers collapsed
Saturday. However, Bill Gates says it's not a problem -- just turn
them off and on and everything should be okay.

Paleontologists who years ago found a dagger-like fossil tooth
scattered on Madagascar have now found the dinosaur skull that housed
those deadly incisors. They have named it the Marvosaur.

I think it's time for Strom Thurmond to give retirement some serious
thought. When a Congressman spoke about the President's meeting at
this weekend's summit of G-8 countries, Thurmond shouted "Bingo!"

A vicious crow terrorized a Frankfurt, Germany suburb and provoked a
fight between two residents, the city's environmental authority said
Friday. "It appeared to be a bird," said authorities, "but we haven't
ruled out Jerry Springer on some kind of wires."

Matt Lauer, the Today Show's hot hunk, has gotten engaged. After
several years of marriage, Al Roker and Willard Scott both predict a
cold front moving in.

Michael Jackson has announced plans to organize and headline a series
of concerts to benefit needy children and families around the world. A
portion of the proceeds will be set aside to fund future Jackson
settlements with the children.


Original Humor Content - Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 07:08:02 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 5/18/98 - Signs Your Teacher is Nuts (fwd)

16> Even though you're all seniors, she insists on having
    "Show 'n' Tell," just so she can show everyone that tattoo
    on her ass again.

15> If you're late you have to sit up front for a special lap dance.

14> Finishes introducing himself by saying, "...and if I'd have
    known she was a statue, I wouldn't have gone anywhere near her!"

13> Every morning the "current events discussion" has the same
    topic: those panty-waist losers he served with in 'Nam.

12> Attempting to be cool, she says her college roommate was Lilith
    Fair.

11> For the 182nd consecutive day:  The Zapruder Film

10> New haircut -- check.  Fresh clean blackboard -- check.
    Puddle under desk -- uh, oh.

 9> She insists that a 36 year old teacher actually had a baby with
    a 13 year old student.

 8> Refusing to admit summers over, sits on lawn chair at the front
    of the room and screams for the cabana boy to bring another
    Mai Tai.

 7> Eats paste 'n' crayon sandwiches that melt all over his shirt.

 6> Constantly hounding patent office about his revolutionary
    in-pants lesson plan filing system.

 5> Always cracks himself up by announcing, "Now we're gonna go
    into Chapter 13... just like your parents!"

 4> She keeps a tip jar on her desk.

 3> Continually re-seats the class by outfit color, so if you
    squint your eyes it looks like Manet's "Dejeuner sur L'Herbe."

 2> Says that if he had his way, the biology class would be
    dissecting "mall rats."

    and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Teacher is Nuts...

 1> Constantly asking class if anyone knows how to get blood
    stains off a clown suit.

	[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
	[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
	[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 11:50:59 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Truths From Kids

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned


* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
  They always catch the second person.

* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

* School lunches stick to the wall.

* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts,
  no matter how cute the underwear is.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 12:32:00 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: My Three Sons

Thanks to Pearl for sending this:

Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and
prospered.  They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old
mother.

AVRAHAM, the first, said:  "I built a big house for our mother."

MOISHE, the second, said:  "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

DAVID, the youngest, said:  "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the
good book.  Now she can't see very well.  I sent her a remarkable rare
priceless parrot that recites the whole book in yiddish -- Mama just has to
name the chapter and verse, and he does it perfectly."

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.

"AVRAHAM", she said, the house you built is so huge.  I live only in one
room, but I have to clean the whole house".

"MOISHE", she said, "I am too old to travel.  I stay most of the time at
home so I rarely use the Mercedes.  And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a
pain in the tuchas".

"But DAVID", she said, "THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 12:51:35 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Look out! (adult)

 Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
 They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it,
 "Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The
 gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting.
 There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the
 gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,
 "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this
 way! Take us to your leader  or I will fire!" The other alien shouted to
 his comrade "No, you mustn't anger him.....but before he finished his
 warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both
 of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

 When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the
 other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But,
 how did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If
 there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's
 that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick
 into his own ear, don't screw with him!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 15:23:04 EDT
From:    Jay Harman <jay_harman@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: URGENT!

To all subscribers and contributors to Humor.  Hopefully, this will
be the last communication regarding our cutover to the new server.

The statement from Jim Moore, Jr., below, was contained within the
Weekly Traffic Report this week.

     "Well, I've been informed that it's time now to change all
      mailings to the new addresses.  Hopefully, everyone will make
      the switch prior to the end of the month.  The addresses are:

          To Subscribe:  listserv@listserv.uga.edu
          Submit Jokes:  humor@listserv.uga.edu
          All Commands:  listserv@listserv.uga.edu"

Jim's comment about "everyone making the switch prior to the end of
the month" has created quite a stir on the server as each of our
8,500 subscribers rush to change something.  A key piece of information
was left out of this paragraph and perhaps I didn't communicate it clearly
enough to Jim or the two of us thought everyone would simply understand!

IF YOU ARE CURRENTLY SUBSCRIBED TO THE HUMOR LIST AND/OR ARE A
CONTRIBUTOR, YOU DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT, HAVE TO DO ANYTHING DURING
THIS CUTOVER!  Your address for subscription delivery has been
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                      to:  listserv@listserv.uga.edu
and you need to NOTHING at this time.

Between now and June 30th BOTH addresses will work equally as well.

Contributions and postings can be made to:

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        OR
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But you should start getting used to using humor@listserv.uga.edu

After June 30, however, you WILL need to address all Humor
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The Bill Edwards Listowner address (bedwards@uga.cc.uga.edu) is no
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NOTE:  AFTER June 30, 1998, the listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu will no
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If you have any additional questions or comments, please contact me
at:  jay_harman@hotmail.com

Thanks and we now return you to our regularly scheduled programming!

Oh yeah, here's a bit of humor....
		****************************

A 24 year old girl went to her doctor with a problem.  She said,
"Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The doctor said, "Really?   What are you taking for it.?"

"Pepper!", she replied!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 16:56:30 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Baltimore Maryland

* Half the people in Baltimore dream of having their own house.
  The other half dream about breaking into them.
                                - - - - -

* Amazing city Baltimore.  Where else can ya bet on a horse race
  like the Preakness with your welfare check ?
                                - - - - -

* Most of the natives in Baltimore aren't very friendly. In fact,
  if it weren't for muggings, there'd be almost no personal contact.
                                - - - - -

* Baltimore still has a Zoo where a lot of the animals are still
  behind bars.  Of course, that's for their own safety & protection.
                                - - - - -

* There's a snazzy new restaurant in the Inner Harbor that specializes
  in seafood.  The prices are so outrageous though, that when you find
  a pearl in your oyster, you just about break even.
                                - - - - -

* Chivalry isn't dead yet though.  A lady, her arms loaded with a
  lot of packages, boarded a bus and although no one offered her a
  seat, one fellow whispered to her, "Be alert now, I get off at the
  stop after next."
                                - - - - -

* In Baltimore, there are people from all walks of life --
  most run however.
                                - - - - -

* Baltimore is one of the few towns I know of where you can park your
  car, walk a couple of blocks, and find it for sale.
                                - - - - -

* But seriously, Baltimore is one great town where something happens
  every minute; unfortunately, most of it goes unsolved though.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
New Addresses in effect; Please stop using old addresses
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Send all commands to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
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------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 17:14:00 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: V-Files II (sex, politics, guns, will offend many...)

The V-Files:  Case Studies of Users and Non-Users of Viagra

#1545  Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee (India)  (UPDATE!!!!)

In my first report, I fear I implied that the Prime Minister has
a wife.  A couple of our HUMOR readers from the subcontinent have
written to inform me that this is not the case.  One said the
Prime Minister is a confirmed bachelor and the other said that he
didn't need a woman to do anything for him.  In the interest of
international peace, I shan't pursue the question of the Prime
Minister's sexual orientation any further.

#AK47  Charlton Heston

 Now, seriously, if he were on Viagra, would he have this curious
attachment to assault rifles?  I'd wager that, though he is a
star of some caliber, in other departments he may well be (have?)
a small caliber bore.

LATE BREAKING NEWS... ... ... ... ...

 BBC News reports that Viagra is "selling fast on the black
market in Saudi Arabia."  This despite the fact that "smuggling
drugs into Saudi Arabia carries a mandatory death sentence."

 BBC News also reports that we may soon be faced with a new
problem in the wake of the Viagra epidemic:  Viagra Widows.
These will be "older women" who "may not be able to keep up with
the sexual demands of their newly-reinvigorated husbands."  And
we thought "Golf Widows" were a sad lot.

 Finally: no confirmation of the rumor that President Clinton has
ordered Pfizer to airlift tons and tons of Viagra to Pakistan in
an effort to stave of any further atomic orgasms. And here we
thought it was the old Puritan Ethic with it's suppression of
sexuality that lead leaders to lust after the big O.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 17:53:43 EDT
From:    Minnstrall <Minnstrall@AOL.COM>
Subject: a skin graft

The Accident

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body
because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his
own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would
have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would
tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends
and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion
at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 19:34:36 -0400
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Re: Why Sardarjis are called Surds <clean>

> x + iy = 0, where x is "real" and y is "imaginary"
>
> and secondary school algebra will remind you such eqs. are called
>
> "surds".......

This example defines a complex function while surd is acutely a class
of irrational numbers which can express as fractional powers of an integer
like square root of 2 or cube root of 3 etc.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 21:10:14 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: ONE MORE URGENT!

I will reiterate what I said this afternoon and state:  "I hope this
is the LAST time I will have to provide an administrative update to
the entire Humor List"!

I have been informed by the staff at UGA and several other folks that
the correct address for ALL subscriptions, signoffs, information and
anything other than contributions should be addressed to:

        listserv@listserv.uga.edu

DO NOT USE:  humor-request@listserv.uga.edu


			* TO JOIN THE LIST *
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(not the subject line), write:  "HELP" or "INFO"  (without the quotes).
HELP will give you a short help message and INFO a list of the documents
you can order.

Now that I have you totally confused, we will move on and continue our
move to the new server.   I regret the confusion and multiple e-mails to
get it sorted out, but I believe we are now where we should be......

      ALL command, sign-up and signoff e-mails are to go to:
        listserv@listserv.uga.edu

      Contributions are to go to:  humor@listserv.uga.edu

      Complaints and abuse directed toward me are to go to:
        jay_harman@hotmail.com

Sorry to bother you once again, but I think we've gotten it set this time!

Your humble listowner.....Jay

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 19:24:16 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: love at first site

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said,
"That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she
consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice
resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,
this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said," That
was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You
see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

She got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty
laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the
canal."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 09:39:15 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Almost There? <adult>

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an
affair  with a woman - almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean,'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50 in  the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his
prayers,then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said
it was the same as putting it in!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 18 May 1998 21:47:43 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Mary Kay

Mary Kay LeTourneau, the teacher who had the child of her 13-year-old
student, was given a seven-year sentence.  She was charged with being a
one-woman Parent Teacher's Association.

Mark Russell

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 19 May 1998 01:43:42 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Out of the Mouths of Babes

Shortly after returning home from a trip to Sea World in Florida, a
friend went shopping for swimsuits with her children.  When she
emerged from the dressing room in a contrasting black-and-white suit,
her four-year-old son, C. J., exclaimed his approval:  "Oh, Mommy, I
love it!  You look just like Shamu!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 18 May 1998 to 19 May 1998
************************************************

