HUMOR Digest - 16 May 1998 to 17 May 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 338 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support
  2. The White House (Pun)
  3. Fast Women -- Luv 'em <innuendo>
  4. Everything is bigger in Texas
  5. Lawyer Joke
  6. GREETING CARDS YOU WON'T SEE IN A STORE (part 1)
  7. ass-cons cont (language)
  8. Humor:  Job performance quotes
  9. Be careful what you wish..
 10. Shorties (2)

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Date:    Sat, 16 May 1998 02:06:22 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

  Frequently Asked Questions of Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

  Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over
     the screen.
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  Q: How do I create a New Document window?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
  A: Don't shake it.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 16 May 1998 00:51:55 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The White House (Pun)

Overheard at the White House:

"I can't believe he did it right in the Oval Office."

"You know, he doesn't consider the shape to be oval, and in addition, he
did not think it was a sexual relationship. He feels that it's only an
Oval Office if you do it there with a small breasted female undercover
agent."

"What?"

"Don't you see? ... Its never oval 'til the flat lady stings."

By Gregg Opelka

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 16 May 1998 04:03:09 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Fast Women -- Luv 'em <innuendo>

* I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she's the kind of
  woman who drives home from a walk
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she's the kind of
  woman who knows more tricks than Houdini
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she met her current
  husband at Lamaze Class
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she's the kind of
  woman who can do more things with leather than with Gucci
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she's the kind of
  woman who you can soften up by soaking in money
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she has her phone
  number listed in the Yellow Pages under "Entertainment"
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she has over thirty
  towels in her "Hope Chest" -- each from a different hotel
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she's the kind of
  woman who gets a new wardrobe by taking off the old one
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she's quite an
  athletic woman -- in fact, she'll play ball with anybody
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she had 2 kids with
  her 1st husband; 2 with the 2nd husband and 3 on her own

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 16 May 1998 06:14:56 -0700
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Everything is bigger in Texas

There is a blind man on his way to Texas. He is on the airplane, and he
is in First Class. He goes to his seat, and feels them, they are huge. He
asks the stewardess "Aren't these seats kinda' big?" She replies "Oh,
everythings bigger in Texas."

Then he gets to Texas, and he goes to his room.  He walks, and walks and
didn't hit the wall for a few minutes, and he was walking in a straight
line. He asks the BellBoy "Isn't this room kinda' big?" The BellBoy
replies "Yes, everythings bigger in Texas."

Then he gets thirsty after a little while, and goes down to the bar, and
orders a little glass of beer. the Bartender gives him a gallon big
glass. The blindman feels it, and says "I said a SMALL glass." The
Bartender says "Everythings bigger in Texas."

So after the blindman finishes the big Texas beer, he asks "Where's the
restrooms?" The Bartender says "The third door on the right."

The blindman is walking, feeling the doors, and he trips. He goes to the
4TH door instead of the 3rd. the 4th door goes right out to the pool.

The blindman opens the door, and falls in, thinking it was the restroom.
He falls, looks frantic, waves his arms, and yells "DON'T FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!


Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 16 May 1998 11:36:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Joke

Two lawyers, Frank and Harry, meet for a drink.
Frank says, "You know what happened?  An angel was sent down
to compile a list of the dishonest lawyers on earth.  Six
months later he dragged himself back to Heaven, exhausted.
'Believe me', he told God, 'it'd be easier if I just made
note of all of the honest lawyers on earth.  In fact, I
think I could do that in a weekend.'
God said, 'Fine.'
Come Monday morning, the angel turned in his list
and God said, 'That's terrific.  Now I think you should send
all the lawyers on this list a note of congratulations.'"
Frank pauses and sips his Scotch.  Then he says,
"There was a postscript to the angel's note.  You know what
it was?"
Harry says, "No."
"Aha!  So you didn't get one either!"


---
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my drive?

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 16 May 1998 14:12:47 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: GREETING CARDS YOU WON'T SEE IN A STORE (part 1)

Greeting Cards you'll never see in the stores:


Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I got one,
I got real snippy.

I heard you had herpes,
And I feel terrible.
I'd say "Get well soon."
But I know it's incurable!

My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
But when I looked at the tire,
There was your cat.

You had your bladder removed,
And now you're on the mends.
Here's a big bouquet of flowers,
And a large sized box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
And won't that be a laugh,
When they find out you're one
Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 16 May 1998 05:09:43 -0600
From:    Paul Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: ass-cons cont (language)

Ass-con Meaning
_______________________
{_o_}     Rubber ass
{__o__}   Large rubber ass
(_^_)     Fucked up ass
(_@_)     Cyber ass
(_50%_)   50% of an ass
(_P_)     Tounge in ass
(_:-_)    Butt head
(_:-)_)   Smiling ass
(_v_)     Fucked down ass
(_:-(_)   Mad ass


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pointe/5276/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 16 May 1998 20:39:30 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor:  Job performance quotes

Got these from Loran Flynn and am forwarding them with permission:

Believe it or not, these quotes were taken from actual performance
evaluations.

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and
 has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
 definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
 rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
 whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
 achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the
 better."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 16 May 1998 22:57:33 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Be careful what you wish..

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed,
shall we say.  In fact, it's 25 inches long.  Can't get any women to have
sex with him.  No men either, one would think.  Anyway, the doctor says
there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he
thinks might be able to help.  Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!)
and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to
a frog that lives there.  "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the
frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."  Worth a try, he thinks, and
off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would.
Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.
"Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.  Frog looks at him,
disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.  Hey, this is great,
he thinks -- let's try that again.  "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"  Twitch -- the guy's
down to 15 inches.  Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks.  Down
another 5 would be perfect.  So he calls across again, "Will you marry
me?"  Frog yells back, "Look -- how many times do I have to tell you?  No.
No. NO!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 17 May 1998 00:47:27 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Shorties (2)

A unbreakable toy is the one a child uses to break the other toys.

A cynic is a person who tries to make the world a bitter place to live in.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 May 1998 to 17 May 1998
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