HUMOR Digest - 15 May 1998 to 16 May 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 678 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Flying
  2. Viagra 4 of 4
  3. The Will <clean>
  4. Computer Gender
  5. Embarassing Moments (adult)
  6. FDA Approves
  7. If you had their bits ..... <sexual>
  8. Over The Tree
  9. The Entertainers: Chicken Quotes
 10. Blonde Guy
 11. Facile comments and questions about contemporary life
 12. Spanish Fly vs Jewish Fly
 13. Jesus and the Redneck

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 04:05:09 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Flying

* The old adage "A journey of a thousand miles begins with the
  first step" doesn't quite hold true when it comes to airline
  travel.  There, a journey of a thousand miles usually begins
  with a delay of 2-3 hours.
                                - - - - -

* Those of you nervous about flying -- don't be.  These days,
  the biggest risk in flying is the ride to & from the airport.
                                - - - - -

* The easiest way to tell if the craft you're on is about to
  encounter severe turbulence is to watch for the stewardess
  begin to serve drinks.
                                - - - - -

* It was one of those cloudy, hot days in Texas.  The poor lil'
  commuter plane was being bounced around all over the sky.  The
  pilot came on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we
  are encountering some pretty bad turbulence, but don't worry.
  Should anything go wrong, you'll know immediately. Our co-pilot
  will become hysterical."
                                - - - - -

* I guess the pilot was trying to assure us that he was doing all
  he could to fly above the turbulence.  His calm voice came
  on the intercom with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have ascended
  three times now to try to miss these storms, but I'm afraid
  we're at the structural limits of the aircraft now."
                                - - - - -

* A stewardess explains to the passengers on a "No Frills Flight"
  that in case of emergency, the oxygen masks will fall down in
  front of them.  "If they don't however," she added, "please
  hold your breath while the pilot descends."

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------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 05:56:57 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Viagra 4 of 4

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society. Here's
a list of what's on the drawing board:

PRYAGRA: About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA: This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury, and
Presidential Strength versions.

Note: These appeared in the Memphis, TN "Commercial Appeal"
      on Wednesday, 12 May, 1998.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 13:26:13 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Will <clean>

The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the Will:

"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well
as the good, the house and $2 million. To my daughter Jessica, who
looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the
business and $1 million. And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued
with me and thought that I would not remember him in my Will, you
were wrong:   Hello Dan!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 06:43:16 -0500
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Computer Gender

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being
female. Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being female.
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
    computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
    informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
    certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
    for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think
that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their
reasons are:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
    time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had
    waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 07:49:54 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Embarassing Moments (adult)

 The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments
 Contest in New Woman Magazine:

 "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
 some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold of her
 after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
 her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be
 punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
 as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
 that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
 "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
 tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
 dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
 thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"

     -Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
			________________________

 "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but
 my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
 for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard
 the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give
 her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call,
 we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the
 stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and
 all my friends were standing there!  My girlfriend and I were frozen in a
 state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
 "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

    -Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
			________________________

 One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in
 a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount
 store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of
 her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker
 got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE
 CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."  That was bad enough, but
 somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
 "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back
 over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR
 THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 07:50:29 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: FDA Approves

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to
perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little
accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only
two days. Still to be seen:  whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorites store's return limit...  NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the
exact opposite effect of Viagra.  Currently undergoing clinical trials on
sitting U.S.  presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back
into food solids.  Special bonus:  Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).  Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note:  Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special
prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and
Presidential Strength

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 14:51:37 GMT+1
From:    Mark Mostert 08-601 7452 <MMT@HK.MOBILE.TELIA.SE>
Subject: If you had their bits ..... <sexual>

 Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
  9.  Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
  8.  See if they could finally do the splits.
  7.  See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
  6.  Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
  5.  Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
  4.  Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
      without sleeping first.
  3.  Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
      recorded on video.
  2.  Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
  1.  Finally find that damned G-spot.

 Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
  9.  Get a blow job.
  8.  Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
  7.  Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
  6.  Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
  5.  Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
  4.  Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it
      may seem.
  3.  Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as
      funny as it looks.
  2.  Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which
      occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member
      which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
  1.   Repeat number 9.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 11:16:59 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Over The Tree

A young man, an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one
afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get
in 9 holes before he had to head home.  Just as he was about to tee off
an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany
the young man as he too was golfing alone.  Not having any reason to say
no, he invited the old fellow to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly.  He didn't hit the
ball far, but moved along quite consistently and didn't waste time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot.  There was a large pine tree right in front of his
ball, directly between the ball and the green. After several minutes
of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know,
when I was your age I played this course many, many times.  Even had a
lie similar to yours.  Back then, I hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the younger man gave it his best.
He took a mighty swing, hit the ball up, and right back down.  He'd hit
it directly into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back to the
ground, not more than a foot from where it had originally been.  Taking
a deep breath, he tried again.  Same result.  Another deep breath, another
try, same result.  "Damn," he exclaimed, "How did you ever get the ball over
this freaking tree?"

The old man replied, "Well, when I was your age that pine tree was only about
3 feet tall."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 08:29:45 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Entertainers: Chicken Quotes

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

3. The Entertainers

Woody Allen:
(1) I mean, it was, it was... a chicken... of legal consenting age.
    It wasn't like it was my REAL daughter or anything. The heart wants
    what it wants. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)
(2) There is a cultural advantage to crossing the road.

Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Jack Benny:
(1) I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking
(2) She was no spring chicken.

Ed Byrnes: (Kookie): To borrow my comb.

James Cagney: He crossed twice. The dirty double-crosser.

Eddie Cantor: To make whoppie

Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon:.
     Johnny Carson: Let me tell you, it was so cold at that farm...
     Ed McMahon: How cold was it?
     Johnny Carson: It was so cold, that the chickens were mugging
                    the sheep to get wool for sweaters!

Cheech (or Chong): Just to be there, man.

Julia Child: Obviously the chicken tried to cross the road to get away
             from the likes of meself and my impeccably sharp cleaver!!!
             Take that, bird!! Wack!

John Cleese:
(1) Because it was very silly.
(2) This isn't a chicken license, you know! It's a dog license with the
    word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.
(3) This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life,
    it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road
    it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes
    are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain,
    shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible.
    This is an Ex-Chicken.
(4) Manuel from Barcelona: "Que? "
        Basil: "You know, a chicken crossing the road...."
        Manuel: "Que?"
        Basil: [looking it up in a dictionary], "Un Pollo..."
        Manuel: (interrupting) "No, No we out of chicken.." * WHAP!!*

Alastair Cooke:
Good Evening, and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight, we present the
epic British drama "How The Chicken Went," basedon the 1843 novel by
Herbert T. Poultry, and adapted for the screen by Joanna Drumstick.
Starring Susan Hampshire as the Chicken, and Anthony Hopkins as the evil
and unrepentant diner, Borstrom, this elegant period piece explores the
mores and morality of a society in which ordinary chickens had to face
their destiny of crossing the road to meet their fate at the hands of the
monied upper classes, regardless of their own ambitions or desires...

Rodney Dangerfield: I get no respect. I've been crossing the road since
                    1989.

James Dean:
(1) Life is so short. It wanted to experience as much as possible in as
    short a time as possible.
(2) To prove he wasn't chicken.

Clint Eastwood: Cross. Go ahead. Make my day.

W. C. Fields: The only good chicken is a dead chicken.

Peter Finch: He's mad as hell and is not going to take this any more.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs,
               which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

Greta Garbo: It vanted to be alone.

Yuel Gibbons: Because that's where the vegetarians live!

Hugh Grant: He was up to his old tricks.

Buddy Hackett: 'Cause there was a cook behind her trying to shove a
                rotisserie skewer up her behind!

Arte Johnson: To get a Walnetto.

Graham Kerr: What! "Chicken Crossing The Road"...not without a fine
             white wine and a cup of heavy cream.

Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Michael Lerner: When I was the leading chicken's rights activist in the
                60's, I actively studied the question. In the politics of
                meaning, no chickens will have to cross the road if they
                don't want to...

Jerry Lewis: For my kids.

Marcel Marceau: ...

Shirley MacLaine: After I was hatched from an egg in 1703, I recall
                  having to cross the road.

Chico Marx: It couldn't. It was a rubber chicken.

Groucho Marx:
(1) Chicken. You said the secret word and have won $100.00
(2) Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who
    thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed
    the eggs.
(3) The club on that side of the road wanted him to join.
(4) This morning I shot a chicken in my pyjamas -- and lemme tell ya,
    that chicken ran out of my pyjamas in a second!.

Harpo Marx: Honk! Honk! Honk!

Jackie Mason: Whaddaya want, it should just stand there?

Jack Nicholson: 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
                reason.

Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Marlin Perkins, on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom:
Watch, as the chicken mauls Jim yet again..

Monty Python: For Something Completely Different

Mr. Rogers: It wanted to be my neighbor!

Arnold Schwartznegger: It vill be back.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone think to ask
"What the heck was the chicken doing walking around all over the place
anyway?"

Red Skelton: He was a baaaad boy.

Jerry Springer: Next, chickens who bear their breasts at cock fights.

Dionne Warwick:
Now even chickens can call for their free 10 minute reading. "your sign is
coming into the 3rd house of Peterbuilt, I see you crossing a path of some
sort, there are lines on the path... umm... your lucky number is 14 (click!)"

Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Flip Wilson: The devil made her do it.

Oprah Winfrey: To avoid mad-cow disease

Jonathan Winters: It didn't. It was too chicken.

Henny Youngman:  Take this chicken ... please.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 11:31:47 EDT
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Blonde Guy

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.  As they were approaching
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.  As they stood
at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order,
could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you please pronounce
where we are...very slowly?

The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr,gerrrrr,  Kiiinnnggg."


* "And I'm not ashamed to say the wild boys were my friends."
					-Billy Joel

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 12:10:00 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Facile comments and questions about contemporary life

Being lectured by Newt Gingrich on ethics is like being called ugly by
a goat.

Sign seen on Clairmont Road: "For rent: One bedroom family apartment."

I heard a guy saying that having pay ten dollars of a Viagra pill was
excessive since he only spent twenty dollars on a date. If he only
spends twenty dollars on a date, he should have anything to worry
about. He won't need the pill.

I've found a way to scare telemarketers away. I answer, "My parole
officer won't allow me to invest in such products."

To the parent who emerged from the Barrett Parkway restaurant to find
a dirty diaper on the hood of your car: The parking lots of this
country are not suitable trash receptacles for your baby's dirty
diapers!

My buddy said now that he is taking his new medication he and his wife
are going on a second honeymoon to Viagra Falls.

When exactly did the three R's of education become reading, `ritin and
Ritalin?

If President Clinton and Hillary got a divorce, would get get the
house?

I put my contacts on inside out this morning. I had the feeling
somebody was watching me all day long.

The federal government better stop messing with the tobacco companies.
If they decide to pull ad money from sports programs, who'll step in
and sponsor things like the Winton Cup racing series? Somehow the M&M
Racing series doesn't sound quite right.

Selected from: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 12:51:04 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Spanish Fly vs Jewish Fly

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was
followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the
bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local
hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor.  "Jack, here's a
twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her
some Spanish fly."

"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer
gave me some Jewish fly."

"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"

"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and
find out?"

The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the
Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few
minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm
around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began
to rub the inside of his leg.

"You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight."

"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.

"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"


--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  Just enjoy the Rainbow~
     RAINY
http://members.wbs.net/homepages/r/a/i/rainybow.html

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 23:53:31 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Jesus and the Redneck

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.

  With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the
barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish
whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus
down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give
Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

  The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,
who moved very slow.  He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass
of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus
sitting at the end of the bar.  The bartender nodded, so the Italian said
to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

  The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the
bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!  Hey, is that God's Boy
down there?"  The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a
cold one, too.

  As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him
and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"  The Irishman felt the
strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

  Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head
and did a flip out the door.

  Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  Just enjoy the Rainbow~
     RAINY
http://members.wbs.net/homepages/r/a/i/rainybow.html

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 15 May 1998 to 16 May 1998
************************************************

