HUMOR Digest - 14 May 1998 to 15 May 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 538 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Humor-- (sexual, self gratification)
  2. Viagra 3 of 4
  3. Professor Jones - Part 1/2 <clean>
  4. Pun: The Third Man
  5. Moore on Aging
  6. Signs That You Are No Longer A Kid
  7. Communication aids <clean>
  8. Too long <ADULT>
  9. The V-Files <Sex, Politics>
 10. Proofs
 11. Ancient Writings (poss. off. to Israelis, women, archaeologists)
 12. The Personal Ad
 13. relationship problems (mildly offensive)
 14. Professor Jones - Part 2/2 <clean>

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Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 02:15:52 -0400
From:    Mario Catelotti <mcatelo1@MCLA.MASS.EDU>
Subject: Humor-- (sexual, self gratification)

This is a little piece that appeared in my local newspaper...


LONG BRANCH, NJ (AP)-- A 51 year old man seeking sexual gratification with
a vacuum cleaner nearly bled to death when the machine cut off a half inch
of his penis, authorities said.
   The intoxicated man first told police that someone had stabbed him in
the crotch as he slept, Long Branch public safety director Louis Napoletano
said. However, officers who responded to Monday's call for help instead
realized the man had hoped to obtain sexual pleasure from the appliance's
suction, Napoletano said.
   "But what he didn't realize is that there's a blade in the vacuum cleaner
right under where the hose attaches that pushes the dust into the collection
bag," he said.
   When the man, who was not identified by police, turned on the vacuum
cleaner, the blade cut off part of his penis.  The victim told detectives
he did not remember the incident.
   Doctors at Monmouth Medical Center were able to stop the bleeding but
were unable to reattach the severed part, Napoletano said.  He was listed
in stable condition Tuesday...


* "If everything is under control, you're going too slow."
                                                 -Mario Andretti

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 01:49:35 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Viagra 3 of 4

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society. Here's
a list of what's on the drawing board:

NEGA-SPORTAGRA: This drug had the strange effect of making men want to
turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA: This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

Note: These appeared in the Memphis, TN  "Commercial Appeal"
      on Wednesday, 12 May, 1998.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 12:47:57 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Professor Jones - Part 1/2 <clean>

Fun Times Of An Absent-Minded Professor

Professor Jones and his wife were leaving church.
Professor : "Ha, ha! Who's absent-minded now ? You forgot your umbrella
and left it in church, but I remembered mine and I picked up yours,too."
Wife : "Fine -- but the trouble is, neither you nor I brought an
umbrella to church today!"


One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife
told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today.
If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."
Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that
afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"
He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see
a moving  van here today ?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Would you know which way it went ?"
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 00:19:27 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Pun: The Third Man

Harry Lime is best remembered by his portrayal by Orson Wells in "The
Third Man." During World War II, a British agent actually was known by
the code name, Harry Lime. This Harry Lime was very near-sighted and
wore thick glasses. His assignment behind Nazi lines as a German Officer
would have been impossible if the Americans had not invented a new form
of lens for the myopic. These "contact lens" were undergoing clinical
trials at the Walter Reed Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.
Arrangements were made to transport Harry secretly to Bethesda by
submarine to be fitted with contact lens. Harry was a womanizer and had
an old flame in nearby Washington. Afraid that Harry would use this
opportunity to take an unauthorized vacation, it was decided to give him
very explicit orders. Therefore, just before leaving for the ship, he
was called to his control's office where he was given this direct order,
... "You are to go directly from the sub, Lime, to the Reed oculist."

(By Spider Robinson)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 03:46:59 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Moore on Aging

* What's all this crap about slowing down when ya get older ?
  Next month, I'll be 56, and I guarantee y'all I can do just
  about everything I did when I was but 54.
                                - - - - -

* An old farmer out my way celebrated his 105th birthday.  He
  was asked by a reported to what he attributed his long life.
  He answered that he had given up whiskey, women and song.
    "And I give you a lot of credit sir." said the reporter.
  "How many years ago was that ?"
    "Oh let me see now..." the farmer pondered. "I guess about
  2-3 years now."
                                - - - - -

* So many of the older farmers out here still wear baseball caps.
  They have so many wrinkles though, they have to screw them on.
                                - - - - -

* My one neighbor, Mrs. Musgrove won't reveal her age to anyone.
  But there are a few clues -- like she has an autographed Bible.

* She has the only Maryland driver's license where the picture
  on it was done by Rembrandt.

* Her friends always tell her she looks like a million though.
  I agree -- every damn year of it too !
                                - - - - -

* Everybody thinks they're a stand-up comic these days.  When my
  son, JimJr Jr got married last year, he said I had to go to a
  special store for a fitting, since I needed an orthopedic tuxedo.
                                - - - - -

* My daughter Sandy's no better.  She asked if I wanted a rocking
  chair with an electric starter for my birthday this year.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 07:12:41 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Signs That You Are No Longer A Kid

 You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
 Your back goes out more than you do.
 You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
 room.
 You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
 You are proud of your lawn mower.
 Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't
 breaking any laws.
 Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
 You sing along with the elevator music.
 You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
 You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
 You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
 You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
 You make an appointment to see the dentist.
 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
 Neighbors borrow your tools.
 People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
 You have a dream about prunes.
 You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
 You send money to PBS.
 The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
 You take a metal detector to the beach.
 You wear black socks with sandals.
 You know what the word "equity" means.
 You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
 television.
 Your ears are hairier than your head.
 You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
 You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
 You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the
 Weather  Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
 You can go bowling without drinking.
 You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 14:06:28 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Communication aids <clean>

The other day, I wrote a letter to a friend of mine and replying to
one of his anecdotes, I typed something like, "That was a really funny
story." I then ran the grammar checker and got the message, "The word
'funny' is trite. Use sparingly." So I took the suggestion and changed
the sentence to read, "That was a really sparingly story."
Computers really improve our communications skills, don't they?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 09:26:21 EDT
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Too long <ADULT>

  A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
unable to get any women to have sex with him.  They all tell him that his
penis is too long.  "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any
way you can shorten it?"  The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is
nothing I can do.

  But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."  So the doctor
gives him directions to the witch.

  The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.  "Witch, my penis is
25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me.  Can you help me
shorten it?"   The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then
replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem.

  What you have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest.  You will see a
frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma.  First you must ask
the frog, will you marry me?  Each time the frog declines your proposal,
your penis will be five inches shorter."  The man's face lit up and he
dashed off into the forest.

  He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"  The frog looked at him
dejectedly and replied, "NO!"  The man looked down and suddenly his penis
was 5 inches shorter.  "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!

  But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me
again."  "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.  The frog rolled its
eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"  The man felt another twitch
in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.

 The man laughed, "This is fantastic."  "Fifteen inches is still a
monster" he reflected for a moment.  "Just a little less would be ideal." he
thought.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

 The frog looked back across pond shaking its head in disgust, "How many
times do I have to tell you?  "NO!"......"NO!"......and for the last  time
"NO!"


* "I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows
   through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic."
					-George Carlin

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 10:31:19 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The V-Files <Sex, Politics>

The V-Files:  Case Studies of Users and Non-Users of Viagra

#1996  Bob Dole

       Libbie Dole told TIME magazine that husband Bob was part
of the test group for Viagra.  She is said to have smiled and
assured TIME that Bob had good results.

       After his crushing defeat at the hands of the Great Satan,
Libertine, Dumb, saxophone playing Bill Clinton, Bob has gone on
to the closest thing to Valhalla for living Republicans.  He's
sold all of his old political ties to big companies that want to
subvert the democratic process, um, er, I mean: want to have some
control over senseless governmental interference in the holy
marketplace.

#1545  Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee (India)

       No, TIME didn't ask Vajpayee's wife if he was part of the
Viagra test group.  It's just obvious that he wasn't!  If he were
in the test group he wouldn't have needed to go for those three
killotonic pseudo-orgasms in north west India.  We'd be bettin'
that Viagra gives more "bang for the buck" than mere fissionable
material any day!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 11:42:35 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Proofs

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
 1. He went into his father's business.
 2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

 THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
 1. He never got married.
 2. He was always telling stories.
 3. His last request was a drink.

 THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
 1. His first name was Jesus.
 2. He was bilingual.
 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

 THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
 1. He talked with his hands.
 2. He had wine with every meal.
 3. He worked in the building trades.

 THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
 1. He called everybody brother.
 2. He liked Gospel.
 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

 THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
 1. He never cut his hair.
 2. He walked around barefoot.
 3. He invented a new religion.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 14:44:06 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Ancient Writings (poss. off. to Israelis, women, archaeologists)

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a
cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order
of appearance.

1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at Least
more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and
had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world
came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they
could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing
and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly
intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To
prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey,
so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even
had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is
the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby
the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were
evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said,
"I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite
simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to
right, but from right to left......

Now, look again..... It now says :

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 18:56:37 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Personal Ad

SBF Seeks Male companionship.
I love long walks in the woods.
Riding in your pickup truck.
Hunting
Camping
Fishing trips.
Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work.
Kiss me and I'm yours.
I'm a svelte good looking girl who loves to play.
Call 565-2121 and ask for Daisy.

The number is XXXXX SPCA and I'm an eight week old black Labrador.


--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  Just enjoy the Rainbow~
     RAINY
http://members.wbs.net/homepages/r/a/i/rainybow.html

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 May 1998 23:01:33 EDT
From:    GKat86573 <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: relationship problems (mildly offensive)

John comes home from work to find his girlfriend sitting on the steps of their
apartment with her bags packed.
"Hey, Honey," says John, "What's going on?"
"I'm leaving you" says Tracy, with tears in her eyes.
"My Goodness! Why?  When I left for the office everything was fine, and now
you are going?!!!!!
"Well," says Tracy, "One of my girlfriends called and told me you are a
pedophile."
"Whew" says John. "Pedophile........That's a pretty big word for a 10 year
old!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 May 1998 09:36:52 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Professor Jones - Part 2/2 <clean>

Fun Times Of An Absent Minded Professor - Part Deux

One of the worlds greatest scientists,Prof. Jones was also recognized as the
original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was
unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll
find it."
When the conductor returned, our professor still couldn't find the
ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure
you bought a ticket.  Forget about it."
"You're very kind," he said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know
where to get off."

Professor Jones was visiting a ranch out in Texas. He looked at a rope
in his hand and mumbled to himself, "One of the two things -- either
I've found a rope or lost a horse."

Professor Jones(sitting beside his bed with a shoe in his hand): "Now let's
see, am I going to sleep or waking up?"

Friend : "I hear your wife had twins. Were they boys or girls ?"
Professor Jones: "Well, I believe one is a girl and one is a boy, but it may
be the other way around."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 14 May 1998 to 15 May 1998
************************************************

