HUMOR Digest - 13 May 1998 to 14 May 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 446 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. All Jewish Holidays In One Sentence
  2. The Third Man (Pun)
  3. Dentists
  4. Landmarks<offensive to Indian politicians>
  5. Viagra 2/4
  6. It could be worse...
  7. Elemental Man
  8. Updated oldie (offensive to atheists)
  9. More cannibals
 10. SUBJECT: Before and After Love
 11. Frivolous comments and questions about contemporary life
 12. The difference between wives
 13. War stories

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Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 02:42:07 -0400
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: All Jewish Holidays In One Sentence

They tried to kill us

We won

Let's eat.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 00:35:01 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Third Man (Pun)

Harry Lime is best remembered by his portrayal by Orson Wells in "The
Third Man." During World War II, a British agent actually was known by
the code name, Harry Lime. This Harry Lime was very near-sighted and
wore thick glasses. His assignment behind Nazi lines as a German Officer
would have been impossible if the Americans had not invented a new form
of lens for the myopic. These "contact lens" were undergoing clinical
trials at the Walter Reed Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.
Arrangements were made to transport Harry secretly to Bethesda by
submarine to be fitted with contact lens. Harry was a womanizer and had
an old flame in nearby Washington. Afraid that Harry would use this
opportunity to take an unauthorized vacation, it was decided to give him
very explicit orders. Therefore, just before leaving for the ship, he
was called to his control's office where he was given this direct order,
... "You are to go directly from the sub, Lime, to the Reed oculist."
(By Spider Robinson)

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Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 03:45:28 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Dentists

* I used to think I had long white teeth.  The dentist told
  me though that my gums are too short.
                                - - - - -

*   My dentist tells me that I'm lucky to still have all my
  own teeth, and most are in good condition too.
    Actually keeping all your teeth is easy. You should drink
  lots of milk, brush/floss often and mind your own business.
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of floss (I was) my dentist finally got me to try
  some.  Tell ya what though, I've been chewing the damn stuff
  for years, and I don't think it's helped one bit.
                                - - - - -

* I did get a crown put on one tooth.  From the price my dentist
  charged though, it must have been one of the Crowns of England.
                                - - - - -

* He's so technical though -- my dentist.  Mrs JimJr had a tooth
  replaced, and she insisted that it match perfectly.  It did.
  The thing even had a cavity.
                                - - - - -

* Next time the dentist tells ya to "Open wide" -- ask whether
  he's talking about your mouth, or your wallet.
                                - - - - -

* I have a neighbor who has very bad teeth though -- he's always
  going to the dentist.  Personally, I suspect even his wisdom
  teeth are retarded.
                                - - - - -

* For those parents who haven't been down that road yet, let me
  tell ya -- Until you finish with braces and such for the kids,
  you'll never know the true meaning of a "million dollar smile".

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------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 02:58:45 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Landmarks<offensive to Indian politicians>

  A Singaporean, a Chinese and an Indian were asked to compare their
Leaders with a National Landmark or Monument( Man Made or Natural)
  The Chinese wrote " My leaders are like the Great Wall of China...old
but still as strong as the bricks in the Wall."
  The Singaporean wrote " My leaders are like the many highrise
buildings in Singapore. They build our nation and bring us to greater
heights."
  The Indian wrote " My leaders are like the Himalaya Mountains. They
have been around for a long time, doing nothing."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 06:25:45 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Viagra 2/4

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society. Here's
a list of what's on the drawing board:

COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men who were
given this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. It is
currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.

BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to
buy their sweethearts expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this
drug for only two days. Still to be seen: Whether the drug can be continued
for a period longer than your favorite store's return period.

NEGA-VIAGRA: Has the opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing
clinical trials on sitting U.S. Presidents.


Note: These appeared in the Memphis, TN "Commercial Appeal"
      on Wednesday, 12 May, 1998.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 08:59:28 EDT
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: It could be worse...

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic
illness, requiring medication.  The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take
her meds orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository
for her. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by
the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.  Administering
the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to
distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

Do you know what all this means?

It means that five people have jobs worse than yours!
Now stop complaining and get back to work.


* "Work is the curse of the drinking class."
		  -Oscar Wilde

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 12:21:58 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Elemental Man

Elemental Man


Element        : MAN

Symbol         : Xy

Common Name(s) : Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!

Atomic Weight  : 180 +/- 100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out
of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as
easily as young, fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo (element Woman) any chance
it can get.  Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes
explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of
time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 11:06:08 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Updated oldie (offensive to atheists)

God called a meeting with the President of the United States, the
Premier of China, and Bill Gates. They each returned to their domains
to deliver a very different message.

The President of the U.S. told the American people:

"I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that we were
right trusting in G-d. The bad news is that the world will end in 30
days."

The Premier of China told the Chinese people:
"I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is that we were
wrong, there is a G-d. The worse news is that the world will end in
30 days."

Bill Gates reported to Microsoft:
"I have good news and I have great news. The good news is that G-d
thinks I'm just as important as the President of the United States
and the Premier of China. The great news is that we don't need to
worry about Windows 98 not releasing on time."


* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 15:49:02 -0400
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: More cannibals

Jim forgot a classic:

A band of cannibals raid a church on a Polynesian isle and capture a fat
bishop and a rather scrawny priest that they take back home with them in their
outriggers. They slaughter and dress their prey and then, after much debate as
to the best way to fix them, they decide to prepare an herb and seafood
stuffing for the bishop and spit roast him. (I won't go into the details.) The
priest however is such a starveling that they decide they only thing he's good
for is boiling, which they do. The broth turns out ok but the meat is so tough
and stringy that it's practically inedible. The habits of the two religious
are stuffed with straw and set up on stakes in the village square.

Time passes and one day a wise cannibal who's visited civilization calls at
the village. Seeing the two trophies he inquires about them and the villagers
relate the story. "We spit-roasted that one" they said, pointing to the stake
with the bishop's miter on it "and he turned out fine. But that one there, he
was bad news." The wise cannibal studied the garments on the second stake for
a moment and then asked "How did you fix him?" "We boiled him" they said. "But
even though we boiled him for six hours and he was still too tough to eat."

"Well there's your problem" said the wise cannibal. "You shouldn't have boiled
him. He was a friar."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 14:45:39 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: SUBJECT: Before and After Love

b- you take my breath away
a- i feel like i'm suffocating

b- twice a night
a- twice a month

b- she says she loves the way i take control of a situation
a- she called me a controling, manipulative, egomaniac

b- saturday night fever
a- monday night football

b- he makes me feel like a millon dollars
a- if i had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

b-is that all your having?
a- maybe you should have just a salad, honey

b- its like i'm living in a dream
a- its like he lives in a dorm

b- $60/doz.
a- $1.50/stem

b- we agree on everything
a- doesn't she have a mind of her own?

b- victoria secret
a- fruit of the loom

b- feathers and handcuffs
a- ball and chain

b- i love a woman with curves
a- i never said you were fat

b- he's completely lost without me
a- why won't he ever ask for directions?

b- time stood still
a- this relationship is going nowhere

b- croissant and cappuccino
a- bagel and instant

b- blind
a- nearsighted

b- you look so seductive in black
a- your clothes are so depressing

b- i can hardly believe we found each other
a- i can't believe i ended up with someone like you

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  Just enjoy the Rainbow~
     RAINY
http://members.wbs.net/homepages/r/a/i/rainybow.html

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 19:06:57 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Frivolous comments and questions about contemporary life

Do all the women in Paula Jones' trailer park drive a Mercedes-Benz?

I live with a teenager, I have Call Waiting and my calls are still
waiting. He won't answer them.

I mixed Viagra with Rogaine, and now my hair has that electric outlet
look.

I was thinking about running for office on the Republican ticket, but
my wife said I didn't have the necessary family values. I've only had
one wife.

I want people to stop talking about my bald spot.It is actually a
solar panel for a sex machine.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: Women and fractions.

It's called "Windows 98" because its real name, "The Repair Shop and
Help-Desk Full Employment Act of 1998," won't fit on the box.

A Starbucks dealer moved into our neighborhood and now I have a
$5-a-day habit.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with
"Quit while you're ahead?"

I'm willing to be different as long as that's what everyone else is
doing.

Boy, am I really disappointed in this new drug. Viagra. I took six
pills last night and only five of them worked.

What do you get when you mate someone of the moral righteousness of
Kenneth Starr with the personality of Newt Gingrich? Dan Burton.

Most of these items are taken from recent issues of the Atlanta
Journal Constitution's column the Vent.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 19:21:36 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The difference between wives

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

  The Catholic wife tells her husband to buy Viagra.
  The Jewish wife tells her husband to buy Pfizer.

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  Just enjoy the Rainbow~
     RAINY
http://members.wbs.net/homepages/r/a/i/rainybow.html

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 May 1998 21:22:33 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: War stories

        Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging
about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared
proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

        "Mine," boast another, "went down with custer at the Battle of
Little Big Horn."

        "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three,
"but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man
in the world."

        "What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

        "Nothing much. But he would be a hundred 165 years old."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 May 1998 to 14 May 1998
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