HUMOR Digest - 12 May 1998 to 13 May 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 276 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Cannibals
  2. Why did the Mom cross the road?
  3. More Bar speak(not off.)
  4. Viagra spinoff 1 of 4
  5. A Riddle <adult>
  6. A little religion lesson
  7. May be offensive to companies
  8. L'amour... <not off.>

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Date:    Tue, 12 May 1998 03:38:40 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cannibals

* I have no idea if cannibalism is still practiced anywhere in
  the world or not.  But it still brings a question to mind.  If
  people who shun all meat are vegetarians, are cannibals then
  considered to be humanitarians ?
                                - - - - -

* One cannibal tells another, "My wife's not so hot." The other
  shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Boil her longer."
                                - - - - -

*   Two cannibal women are discussing life in general. One says,
  "I don't know what to make of my husband."
    The other replies, "Get a new recipe book."
                                - - - - -

*   Seated at dinner, the husband murmured, "I don't care for
  your friend at all."
    His wife replied, "So, eat your vegetables."
                                - - - - -

*   A man believes that he's inclined to be a cannibal and his
  wife convinces him to go see a psychiatrist.  When he returns
  home later, she asks, "So how was the psychiatrist ?"
    "Delicious." her husband replied smiling.
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the cannibal who ordered a pizza for a late nite
  snack with everybody on it.
                                - - - - -

* Pity the poor cannibal who ate his mother-in-law, and damn if
  she still didn't disagree with him.

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Date:    Tue, 12 May 1998 07:57:34 -0400
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@EXCHANGE.PADER.GOV>
Subject: Why did the Mom cross the road?

My wife got this for Mother's Day from a relative. Thanks to Shoebox
Greetings.

Why did the Mom cross the road?

No one could tell, really. She was mumbling to herself about peace and
quiet. She circled the block a couple times and came back a lot happier.

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Date:    Tue, 12 May 1998 12:27:24 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: More Bar speak(not off.)

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand
in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone & his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 12 May 1998 07:59:11 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Viagra spinoff 1 of 4

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society. Here's
a list of what's on the drawing board:

DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop to ask directions when they got lost,
compared to 0.2 percent of a control group.

PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge
to perform more child care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and
"little accidents."


Note: These appeared in the Memphis, TN "Commercial Appeal"
      on Wednesday, 12 May, 1998.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 12 May 1998 10:27:20 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: A Riddle <adult>

A Riddle:
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of
the earth:  one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the
other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman.  They are both
thinking the exact same thing to themselves... What are they thinking?

Answer: "Don't look down!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 12 May 1998 12:38:51 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A little religion lesson

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shown his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching YOU"

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching YOU."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.  Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.  "Did you say that?"  He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, the squawked, "I'm trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed.  "Warn me, huh?  Who are you?"

"Moses," replied the parrot.

"Moses?" the bugler laughed.  "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 12 May 1998 16:32:39 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: May be offensive to companies

Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters.....

 1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
    company someday.
 2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
 3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts
 4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
    fourteen times gives you job security.
 5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
 6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
    (We suck less!)
 7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
    killing all those who opposed them.
 8) We put the "k" in "kwality"
 9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
10) Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a
    scapegoat.
12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
    probably haven't completely understood the situation.
13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
14) We make great money! We have great benefits!  We do no work! We are
    union members!
15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
18) Plagiarism saves time.
19) If at first you don't succeed - try management.
20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
22) This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years
23) Never quit until you have another job.
24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

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Date:    Tue, 12 May 1998 21:44:09 -0400
From:    Barry Johnson <barryj@TECHNOLOGIST.COM>
Subject: L'amour... <not off.>

Found scrawled over the entrance to a 'Tunnel of Love'
ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pier/5132

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End of HUMOR Digest - 12 May 1998 to 13 May 1998
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